First signs of a bad first date

[33girl]

I think that depends on how the first date came about. If it's someone you met in real life first - through, shall we say, "traditional" means - the person who asked for the date should definitely pay, whether it's the man or the woman. But with online dating, I'm honestly more comfortable going Dutch (although I've had guys insist otherwise). The fact is if you were both on a site, you're both mutually looking for a date. And the other fact is you don't know this person from a hole in the ground. He could follow you out to your car and say "well, I bought you a shitty dinner at Bravo, you need to give me a BJ now."

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I think that depends on how the first date came about. If it's someone you met in real life first - through, shall we say, "traditional" means - the person who asked for the date should definitely pay, whether it's the man or the woman. But with online dating, I'm honestly more comfortable going Dutch (although I've had guys insist otherwise). The fact is if you were both on a site, you're both mutually looking for a date. And the other fact is you don't know this person from a hole in the ground. He could follow you out to your car and say "well, I bought you a shitty dinner at Bravo, you need to give me a BJ now."

It was through "traditional" means. I always offer to pay, regardless of how we met, and this is the first time someone actually brought it up first. It was definitely off-putting. The fact that he brought it up even before the bill came was a red flag to me more than anything else.

[TonyB06]

Originally Posted by 33girl

I think that depends on how the first date came about. If it's someone you met in real life first - through, shall we say, "traditional" means - the person who asked for the date should definitely pay, whether it's the man or the woman. But with online dating, I'm honestly more comfortable going Dutch (although I've had guys insist otherwise). The fact is if you were both on a site, you're both mutually looking for a date. And the other fact is you don't know this person from a hole in the ground. He could follow you out to your car and say "well, I bought you a shitty dinner at Bravo, you need to give me a BJ now."

Fair enough, but don't you feel just a teeny bit warmer toward the guy if, after offering to pay for the first date (even if you asked him out), he overrides and insists that he pay? ..call it a spasm of chivalry or something.

Why does online vs. traditional meeting makes such a difference to you?

I'm sure I'm probalby missing the subtext of your "entitlement" point. You're not saying you're more entitled to refuse him a BJ becuase you paid, are you? I mean, he's not "entitled" to services no matter who paid, right?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by TonyB06

Fair enough, but don't you feel just a teeny bit warmer toward the guy if, after offering to pay for the first date (even if you asked him out), he overrides and insists that he pay? ..call it a spasm of chivalry or something.

Why does online vs. traditional meeting makes such a difference to you?

I'm sure I'm probalby missing the subtext of your "entitlement" point. You're not saying you're more entitled to refuse him a BJ becuase you paid, are you? I mean, he's not "entitled" to services no matter who paid, right?

Yeah, it's nice, but I really don't care one way or the other. Personal baggage: my first boyfriend had ISSUES with money and the management thereof. He would do stuff like buying me a dozen roses, a stuffed animal and a card, and then 10 minutes later be like "honey, can I borrow $10? I need to get a haircut." I wish he would have skipped the stupid roses and used his money wisely. (When I met his family eventually, I COMPLETELY understood where this came from.) Needless to say I learned NOT to rely on a man for everything.

If I'm emancipated enough to ask a guy out, he should be emancipated enough to not think I'm cutting his balls off if I pay.

As far as traditional vs online meeting: if a guy I know in real life asks me out on a date, either I've known him long enough or he's been vetted enough by friends that I know he's probably not going to pull any passive aggressive dick moves, like making me feel "obligated" if he pays. Meeting someone for the first time from match.com or whatever - I have NO idea if this guy's going to be all he said he was. A guy who's seemed like a nice, sweet guy can pull PADMs like it's going out of style or be a straight up psycho. I would rather be on an even footing in the smallest things - like paying for a drink - than take the risk of having someone I don't know think I "owe" him in any way, shape or form.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Mitch

I get that, but if he didn't buy you anything, you'd probably complain about that, too.

Well, let me contrast him to the guy I dated for a very long time in my 30s. I never received a bought card from him - he MADE every birthday/Christmas card he ever gave me. He got me gifts that might not be traditionally "romantic" (a Beatles t-shirt, a waterfall, a book I wanted) but that meant a lot to me because he knew it was something I really wanted. And when he was out of work one year, he said "honey, Christmas is going to be pretty tight. I really want to be sure my niece who I love to bits gets something nice from me. Do you mind if we just skip it?" Of course I didn't.

Of course a lot of that is a difference in years and maturity...but no, if a guy was dirt poor, I'd rather he didn't buy me anything. I can take care of myself and I want to be with a guy who can do the same - that includes spending your money wisely, not for things you can't afford just because you think it'll impress a woman. I don't date men for what they can give me. If that's what they all believe all women are like, that's their problem, not mine.

I'm not completely against "traditional" gifts like flowers - they're lovely every once in a while - but with this guy, the FREQUENCY was f'ing ridiculous. He was using "bought" things to make up for his shortcomings. Did I mention he occasionally told me he didn't like what I was wearing and asked me to go change? Yep. This might not have fased me a few years later, but in my first relationship, and being VERY VERY sheltered and inexperienced and naive, it's a different story.