What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country.

.....

[aephi alum]

It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene.

But I'd say that my red flags would include:

- bragging about sexual exploits
- talking incessantly about ex's
- getting too drunk (drinking responsibly on a first date is ok, getting falling-down-drunk is not)
- smoking (social smoking is ok, but regular daily smoking is not)
- admitting to current, regular use of illegal drugs (get off the drugs first, then we'll talk)
- strong fundamentalist religious views (e.g. a woman's place is in the home, watch your skirt - you're showing too much ankle, etc.)
- dresses in a very sloppy manner (e.g. torn or stained clothes) or in a manner inappropriate to the venue (e.g. jeans or sneakers at a very nice restaurant)

Yellow flags:

- late without a good reason (this is the first date - even if you're so chronically late that you'd be late to your own funeral, you should at least try to pick me up / meet me on time!)
- not tipping, or lowballing the tip, unless the service was actually bad (I used to date a guy who would never tip waitstaff or cab drivers... )
- can't hold a conversation / gives one-word answers to open-ended questions
- dictates where we are going on the date. Asking me what type of food I like, asking me if I have a restaurant to suggest, suggesting a type of cuisine or a specific restaurant and asking me if I'd like that - all are good. But "I know this great place where they serve only liver and brussels sprouts, and that's where we're going!" is not ok.

Okay, so I'm picky.

[AchtungBaby80]

I agree with pretty much everything you said, aephi alum. Guess that means I'm picky, too! The only thing I would add to that list is if a gentleman alludes to the fact that he spends an inordinate amount of time with his mom, or bases all his opinions on what his mom thinks, etc. I love a man who respects his mother, but I've also had a good relationship damaged because of one loving mama who just couldn't bear to see any girl "steal" her precious son and it wasn't pleasant.

[agzg]

Red Flags:
Gratuitous use of curse words on a first date - if one slips out, that's fine (everyone's human) but I wanna know that if I take him home to meet my parents he's not going to drop the f-bomb in front of mom and dad!

Not even offering to pay. I'm a modern woman, I can pay my own way, but at least offer.

Sloppy dress... I get the trends and stuff, but if he looks dirty, it's definitely a no-go.

Talks more about work, school or TV shows more than hobbies, books, or movies. I'm not looking for someone that can pontificate for hours about heavy French Rennaissance literature, but watching TV for 100% of his free time instead of reading a book/fostering a hobby/even going out to the theater to see a play or a movie is definitely a red flag. And if he talks about work or school way too much, I get the feeling that there's no time in his life for me.

Brags about drinking skills. Laaaaaame.

[FAB*SpiceySpice]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Nah, I'm one of the luckiest humans on the Earth and I would probably tease her about this, even on a first date - however, it would be just that: teasing. I'm not sure there's really a difference, but it would probably be funny to joke about (especially w/ the mutual sarcasm thing), and first dates are all about getting over that kind of thing.

Also I can't imagine why any of this (other than maybe 'rents as doctors) would ever come up, so it's probably moot.

However, now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure I tease her for this right now, so I'm probably not the best judge. I'm definitely the mayor of my own town over here . . .

Thanks Rob, I love you too. I don't know why this kind of thing comes up as often as it does, but sadly it happens. If a guy asks me about my job (and I never hardly had one in college) he would always want to know how I could pay any of my bills with no income, people are just nosy I guess. And if they ever saw my car or even my stupid car keys (yeah that happened once) they'd immediately make fun of me for it. I can deal with teasing, that's not a problem, but I can also tell the difference between being teased (sarcasm or whatever) and someone who actually thinks less of me as a person b/c of these things.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by FAB*SpiceySpice

Thanks Rob, I love you too. I don't know why this kind of thing comes up as often as it does, but sadly it happens. If a guy asks me about my job (and I never hardly had one in college) he would always want to know how I could pay any of my bills with no income, people are just nosy I guess. And if they ever saw my car or even my stupid car keys (yeah that happened once) they'd immediately make fun of me for it. I can deal with teasing, that's not a problem, but I can also tell the difference between being teased (sarcasm or whatever) and someone who actually thinks less of me as a person b/c of these things.

Yeah - word, it's also probably the difference between growing up/going to school with people who drove Lexuses and didn't have to work (like, uh, the chapter ksigkid and I were in) and being used to it on some level, versus some sort of "we against they" mentality . . . the classic "oh you're one of those rich kids" uncomfortable reaction?

I can't imagine a bigger red flag than "thinking less of me as a person because of things that really aren't in my control" (which is essentially how this parses, when you really break it down) - well, maybe like "punching me in the face" or "locking kids in the car to meet for drinks at the bar" but there simply aren't many bigger.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by FAB*SpiceySpice

Red flags:
-Someone who makes fun of me b/c I drive a Lexus, have doctors for parents, and still get an allowance (this happens way too often sadly).

Definitely, and I think, for the most part, bringing up family money (or lack thereof) would be kind of tasteless on the first date anyway. That, is, unless it's like RC's case, where you know the person enough to get away with a little kidding around.

Like Rob said, some people are just more used to it because of maturity, environment, etc. I never really had to deal with it on dates; girls would ask why I was working two jobs during undergrad, but when I explained it was to pay for school, none really asked further. In fact, the only girl who got the full story was probably my wife...

However, a talk on money and/or family money would be enough to turn off anyone on the first date.

[FAB*SpiceySpice]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

I can't imagine a bigger red flag than "thinking less of me as a person because of things that really aren't in my control" (which is essentially how this parses, when you really break it down).

Exactly what I was trying to get at, thank you.

[southernelle25]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Let's say you were on a 1st date with someone and everything is going great. The conversation is good, and you're physically attracted to this person. During the conversation what would raise a yellow flag, and what would raise the red flag for you to say: "Oh hell no! There will not be a 2nd date!"

Red Flag Moments

I agree with you. IF the family background is not similar to mine, there won't be a 2nd date. IF he is white and informs me that he was once a dues-paying member of the KKK, it is over right then; and what Scandia said... IF he shows disrespect for women and disregard for "no", and dislikes puppies, these are all red flags.

Many past "sexual exploits"? Divorced?, Kids? All red flags. IF I find out he is a recovering alcoholic/drug addict,.... I am .

Yellow Flags include belonging to a different denomination, not opening the door for me, not listening to me, not paying, and not being a citizen of my country.

[laylo]

One of my goals in life is to break the line of my family's ways and to give my own children a completely different family life from the one I had; In fact I wonder whether I'm even going to let my future kids spend time with certain relatives. It's sad to know that some men wouldn't even give me that chance by judging me by my family. anyway...

yellow flags:
-playing music or suggesting movies that are degrading to women
-blatantly showing off wealth or talking a lot about money
-telling me I'm too quiet (noticing that I'm quiet is fine, but if he's acting like its a big problem, I'm not the one for him)

red flags:
-using language himself that is degrading to women
-trying to get sexual after I've made it clear that I don't want to
-badmouthing Christianity
-not being able to discuss current affairs/social issues or having views that are too different from mine

I might think of more later.

[PrettyBoy]

I forgot to mention tatoos and body pearcings are both red flags for me too. Everytime she tries to call she'll get the v-mail and no return call. And then I'll press the delete button.

No purple, pink, yellow ect hair either. All red flags.

Fake hair? Definite yellow flag, but after I got home and had time to dwell on it, it would turn into a red flag.

I once dated a girl and we went back to her place, once we got there she took her pony tail off. I looked at her, then I looked at the pony tail.
I had to cut her a loose. She tried to call, and I never returned her call, and then I would avoid her when I would see her on campus.

[AlexMack]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene.

But I'd say that my red flags would include:

- bragging about sexual exploits
- talking incessantly about ex's
- getting too drunk (drinking responsibly on a first date is ok, getting falling-down-drunk is not)
- smoking (social smoking is ok, but regular daily smoking is not)
- admitting to current, regular use of illegal drugs (get off the drugs first, then we'll talk)
- strong fundamentalist religious views (e.g. a woman's place is in the home, watch your skirt - you're showing too much ankle, etc.)
- dresses in a very sloppy manner (e.g. torn or stained clothes) or in a manner inappropriate to the venue (e.g. jeans or sneakers at a very nice restaurant)

Yellow flags:

- late without a good reason (this is the first date - even if you're so chronically late that you'd be late to your own funeral, you should at least try to pick me up / meet me on time!)
- not tipping, or lowballing the tip, unless the service was actually bad (I used to date a guy who would never tip waitstaff or cab drivers... )
- can't hold a conversation / gives one-word answers to open-ended questions
- dictates where we are going on the date. Asking me what type of food I like, asking me if I have a restaurant to suggest, suggesting a type of cuisine or a specific restaurant and asking me if I'd like that - all are good. But "I know this great place where they serve only liver and brussels sprouts, and that's where we're going!" is not ok.

Okay, so I'm picky.

Nah, I pretty much agree with everything you said AEPhialum. Regular use of drugs is a no-no. I can deal with occasional use, but not, 'I get baked every night, I can't survive without it.'
I couldn't deal with cosplay, anime or anything like that. However-I have friends who game (like Vampire, D&D). I don't do it, won't do it, do not see the appeal, but they're my friends and I love them. My SO used to game (doesn't anymore) and still has all the books etc. I do make fun of him for it occasionally, but he's not an anti-social, pasty white nerd so I just let it slide.

I'm also like Dolphinchica- make fun of my big bag o' drugs and you're gone. Once is cool, a couple of times, sure, but a consistent thing? Look, I need them to stay alive.

[southernelle25]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I forgot to mention tatoos and body pearcings are both red flags for me too. Everytime she tries to call she'll get the v-mail and no return call. And then I'll press the delete botton.

No purple, pink, yellow ect hair either. All red flags.

Fake hair? Definite yellow flag, but after I got home and had time to dwell on it, it would turn into a red flag.

I once dated a girl and we went back to her place, once we got there she took her pony tail off. I looked at her, then I looked at the pony tail.
I had to cut her a loose. She tried to call, and I never returned her call, and then I would avoid her when I would see her on campus.

You are a trip.

[southernelle25]

If dude has a curl, s-curl, or relaxer/perm... red flag.

[valkyrie]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I forgot to mention tatoos and body pearcings are both red flags for me too. Everytime she tries to call she'll get the v-mail and no return call. And then I'll press the delete botton.

LOL, if you're a grown man and not a child, it's generally a good idea to, you know, grow a pair and tell a woman you're not interested instead of avoiding her.