What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country.

.....

[aephi alum]

It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene.

But I'd say that my red flags would include:

- bragging about sexual exploits
- talking incessantly about ex's
- getting too drunk (drinking responsibly on a first date is ok, getting falling-down-drunk is not)
- smoking (social smoking is ok, but regular daily smoking is not)
- admitting to current, regular use of illegal drugs (get off the drugs first, then we'll talk)
- strong fundamentalist religious views (e.g. a woman's place is in the home, watch your skirt - you're showing too much ankle, etc.)
- dresses in a very sloppy manner (e.g. torn or stained clothes) or in a manner inappropriate to the venue (e.g. jeans or sneakers at a very nice restaurant)

Yellow flags:

- late without a good reason (this is the first date - even if you're so chronically late that you'd be late to your own funeral, you should at least try to pick me up / meet me on time!)
- not tipping, or lowballing the tip, unless the service was actually bad (I used to date a guy who would never tip waitstaff or cab drivers... )
- can't hold a conversation / gives one-word answers to open-ended questions
- dictates where we are going on the date. Asking me what type of food I like, asking me if I have a restaurant to suggest, suggesting a type of cuisine or a specific restaurant and asking me if I'd like that - all are good. But "I know this great place where they serve only liver and brussels sprouts, and that's where we're going!" is not ok.

Okay, so I'm picky.

[AchtungBaby80]

I agree with pretty much everything you said, aephi alum. Guess that means I'm picky, too! The only thing I would add to that list is if a gentleman alludes to the fact that he spends an inordinate amount of time with his mom, or bases all his opinions on what his mom thinks, etc. I love a man who respects his mother, but I've also had a good relationship damaged because of one loving mama who just couldn't bear to see any girl "steal" her precious son and it wasn't pleasant.

[agzg]

Red Flags:
Gratuitous use of curse words on a first date - if one slips out, that's fine (everyone's human) but I wanna know that if I take him home to meet my parents he's not going to drop the f-bomb in front of mom and dad!

Not even offering to pay. I'm a modern woman, I can pay my own way, but at least offer.

Sloppy dress... I get the trends and stuff, but if he looks dirty, it's definitely a no-go.

Talks more about work, school or TV shows more than hobbies, books, or movies. I'm not looking for someone that can pontificate for hours about heavy French Rennaissance literature, but watching TV for 100% of his free time instead of reading a book/fostering a hobby/even going out to the theater to see a play or a movie is definitely a red flag. And if he talks about work or school way too much, I get the feeling that there's no time in his life for me.

Brags about drinking skills. Laaaaaame.

[AlexMack]

Originally Posted by aephi alum

It's been a long time since I've been on the dating scene.

But I'd say that my red flags would include:

- bragging about sexual exploits
- talking incessantly about ex's
- getting too drunk (drinking responsibly on a first date is ok, getting falling-down-drunk is not)
- smoking (social smoking is ok, but regular daily smoking is not)
- admitting to current, regular use of illegal drugs (get off the drugs first, then we'll talk)
- strong fundamentalist religious views (e.g. a woman's place is in the home, watch your skirt - you're showing too much ankle, etc.)
- dresses in a very sloppy manner (e.g. torn or stained clothes) or in a manner inappropriate to the venue (e.g. jeans or sneakers at a very nice restaurant)

Yellow flags:

- late without a good reason (this is the first date - even if you're so chronically late that you'd be late to your own funeral, you should at least try to pick me up / meet me on time!)
- not tipping, or lowballing the tip, unless the service was actually bad (I used to date a guy who would never tip waitstaff or cab drivers... )
- can't hold a conversation / gives one-word answers to open-ended questions
- dictates where we are going on the date. Asking me what type of food I like, asking me if I have a restaurant to suggest, suggesting a type of cuisine or a specific restaurant and asking me if I'd like that - all are good. But "I know this great place where they serve only liver and brussels sprouts, and that's where we're going!" is not ok.

Okay, so I'm picky.

Nah, I pretty much agree with everything you said AEPhialum. Regular use of drugs is a no-no. I can deal with occasional use, but not, 'I get baked every night, I can't survive without it.'
I couldn't deal with cosplay, anime or anything like that. However-I have friends who game (like Vampire, D&D). I don't do it, won't do it, do not see the appeal, but they're my friends and I love them. My SO used to game (doesn't anymore) and still has all the books etc. I do make fun of him for it occasionally, but he's not an anti-social, pasty white nerd so I just let it slide.

I'm also like Dolphinchica- make fun of my big bag o' drugs and you're gone. Once is cool, a couple of times, sure, but a consistent thing? Look, I need them to stay alive.