What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?
 

When I dated, my friends and I called them "strikes" (like in baseball). There would be "3 strike violations" and "1 strike violations".

The 1 strike violation would be to ask me to go somewhere on an alleged date that was unsafe, namely the beach in the middle of night. Since I lived in Southern California, there are only a few things that dates can do at the beach at night... None them altruistic and honorable... And I was not into that.

But flags are realitively easy to spot wen you know what you will tolerate for yourself. Everyone will "use" you, it is your duty whether you choose to be "misused"...

So if you dislike fake nails, would you date a "nail biter" with little mushroom knubs for fingers?

About familial background--what kind of family "future" do you envision for yourself?

No offense, but shouldn't your main priority be on her. You're not really dating her family, you're dating her. I know you got burned in the last relationship (saw your post on the other thread) but it's not healthy to carry baggage from another relationship on to this one. Obviously, you should fit in with the family, no doubt..but at the end of the day, you're building a relationship with "her".


A red flag for me would be someone who is judgmental, especially when it comes to women. He wasn't judging me, but other females. We have common friends, and he described one of them to have gained so much "weight". Red flag was up. It was unfortunate that this was a habitual thing for him. That was such a major turn off. He was a nice guy, but no second date, of course.

As crazy as this may sound, I actually like a nail biter:) . Women like that are so real to me. If she doesn't bite her nails that's cool, it doesn't really matter as long as they're not fake.

As far as family is concerned I just want the family backgrounds to be similar. No, they don't have to be exactly alike, but if they're similar then I think we would have more in common. All the women I've been in serious relationships with have had opposite family backgrounds from mine, and the relationships never worked.

A red flag for me is when he constantly bad mouths the women from previous relationships. We have all had bad relationships but there is no need to go on and on about what a bitch she was.
In my mind, it is just a matter of time before he is bad mouthing me.

Okey, so GC folks are ready to fight with you. You could decide to explain if you'd like...

Some GC folks will agree with you, the "equally yoked" thing again... It matters what is important to you.

The deal is that you have been going after women outside of your desired familial background conditions... Meaning that you have a recruitment problem... ;)

If you think you desire a woman with similar familial heritage as you, you need to go places where these women are... And church is just only ONE viable option... Women who care about family are usually the one's who put the entire Christmas Pageant together and are young... Or they work for campaign headquarters... Or the all of next year's health walks are coming up, they should be on the planning committees--especially for the Komen Race for the Cure in your city... Some powerhouse sistahs are namely school teachers for all levels... And if they are really involved with their craft they will be in graduate school or finish grad school...

There are only ~50 powerhouse sistahs that live in any average sized city... Only NYC or LA or Chicago or Atlanta or DC would have more... So you odds of actually meeting homegirl who is doing the kinds of things in her life and having a desirable familial background is extremely rare...

Dude, aside me from saying "I told you so" and "you were only looking at ass"... You can never make a "ho into a housewife"...

You discounted sistahs who you thought were "nerds" and "goofay". They didn't wear the cutest or revealing clothes. You chose ass and booty shaking over brains and beauty... Put it more bluntly, you chose a "Mary Magdelene" rather than the "Heavenly Sarah"... Dealing with a "Magdelene" and having her come to see the "light" is very different than loving a "Heavenly Sarah".

You chose to come under a legally binding "holy matrimonial" with a woman who failed to respect or understand the meaning of being with another human being. You disrespected yourself and your own family.

Really, rather than assessing the young lady's familial background, you need to start to love and respect yourself enough to include a woman who respects and loves you and your familial background...

It's that "let no one put asunder" and that "leaving and cleaving unto your mate".

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

The women I've dated in the past, I never tried to change. They pretty much told me the things I wanted to hear. I dated the representative and not the real person. My X told me that if she had been truthful to me from the start I wouldn't have been with her, so she felt she had to lie. That whole relationship was built on lies. I'm not perfect, I lack some things, but I have nothing to hide. You're absolutely right, no woman can fill all my desires, just like I can't fulfill all of hers, but there are somethings I won't settle for. My X was cool, we just drifted apart.

AKA_Monet you're one of the more intelligent GCers on here, but I can't agree with you when you say that getting serious with a woman based on family background is wrong. We'll have to agree to disagree on that. As far as my quest for a relationship, I'm not looking. Who knows I may run in to her, I may not. I may not be able to get everything I would like, but one thing I can say is that I'm not going to settle. If you settled, that's cool, and I hope your marriage continues to prosper, I hope I don't end up with someone who just settles for me. I hope I'm the one she really wants to be with. I'm not just pursuing women from other ethnic groups, I'm just saying if the right woman comes along, it doesn't matter what race she is, as long as we have a lot in common, respect and enjoy each other. As far as every woman I come into contact with just has to be herself. She doesn't have to tell me what I want to hear. I'll be the one to determine if I think she's compatible with me. The women I dated in the past when I was young, is in the past. I'm older now, and if I could do it all over again I would, because it was a good learning experience.