What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

The women I've dated in the past, I never tried to change. They pretty much told me the things I wanted to hear. I dated the representative and not the real person. My X told me that if she had been truthful to me from the start I wouldn't have been with her, so she felt she had to lie. That whole relationship was built on lies. I'm not perfect, I lack some things, but I have nothing to hide. You're absolutely right, no woman can fill all my desires, just like I can't fulfill all of hers, but there are somethings I won't settle for. My X was cool, we just drifted apart.

AKA_Monet you're one of the more intelligent GCers on here, but I can't agree with you when you say that getting serious with a woman based on family background is wrong. We'll have to agree to disagree on that. As far as my quest for a relationship, I'm not looking. Who knows I may run in to her, I may not. I may not be able to get everything I would like, but one thing I can say is that I'm not going to settle. If you settled, that's cool, and I hope your marriage continues to prosper, I hope I don't end up with someone who just settles for me. I hope I'm the one she really wants to be with. I'm not just pursuing women from other ethnic groups, I'm just saying if the right woman comes along, it doesn't matter what race she is, as long as we have a lot in common, respect and enjoy each other. As far as every woman I come into contact with just has to be herself. She doesn't have to tell me what I want to hear. I'll be the one to determine if I think she's compatible with me. The women I dated in the past when I was young, is in the past. I'm older now, and if I could do it all over again I would, because it was a good learning experience.

[Scandia]

Red flags:

- Criticizing me: my manners, my weight, my hobbies, etc.
- Knowing things about me that are NOT easy to find out. I am NOT a private person- but there are some things that would take A LOT of prodding to find out. Especially back then when there was no Yahoo/Google/Zabasearch.
- Gossipping about other people's flaws.
- Too much interest too soon.
- Disrespect and rudeness- towards me or anyone else.
- Not taking no for an answer when I refuse physical contact too soon or to engage in a certain activity or go a certain place.
- Objective discrepancies that show a person is simply not for me, such as a very large gap in education level, or a religion that is just way too different from my beliefs.
- Doing drugs, or smoking in front of me.
- While one prejudiced or stereotyped remark is something that I can look the other way regarding, if the person constantly trash-talks groups AND individuals, it WILL make me very uncomfortable. Too negative. Conversely, if the person raises holy hell if someone makes an inaccurate remark or uses an out of date term, that is also unrealistic and too judgmental.

Yellow flags:

- Not liking animals.
- Too many specific phobias, especially if they have no explanation.
- Stating you like a certain kind of woman that I could never be.
- Not picking battles sensibly.
- After a few dates, if all the nice things you say about me are regarding the way I look, and all the things you dislike about me are regarding the way I sound, I may assume you want a woman who speaks only when spoken to and is seen and not heard. Hence I WILL hightail.
- Sarcasm and snark, even if not directed at me.
- Being creeped out by a certain item I collect (yup, it happened), or saying it is infantile to do so.

[sdsuchelle]

I agree with almost everything Scandia said.. except the smoking part. I can deal with an ocassional smoker.

Not liking animals, especially MY dogs, is grounds for disqualification.

[mulattogyrl]

red/yellow flags:

- those that talk too much about their ex
- arrogant attitude/chip on shoulder - BIG turn off
- too nice too soon; telling me what he 'thinks' I want to hear

[WVU alpha phi]

Red flags
-bad grammar (I can't stand it, and it's even worse when the person IS educated and talks like this anyway)
-talking about ex girlfriends. not on the first date.
-disrespectful to the waitress, movie ticket person, etc.
-ANYONE WHO TALKS NEGATIVELY ABOUT THEIR MOM. im a firm believer that a guy treats his mom/sisters the way he treats you.
-smoking. social smoking (like at a bar when you're drunk) doesn't bother me too much, but i could never date a "smoker"

Yellow flags
-someone who name drops.
-someone who hints they have money. it's SO annoying.
-someone who doesn't like animals, especially dogs.
-tennis shoes.. not on a first date, no way.
-making a comment about the price of dinner/movies, etc.
-lack of opening doors. i dont really notice if they open a car door, but a door to a building should definitely be held open.
-a democrat (if they have strong political views). i love george bush.
-acting way too interested way too early.

[Dionysus]

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

[tunatartare]

Answering your cell phone during dinner (unless it's a family emergency) will almost guarantee that there will be no second date.

Any mention of cosplay, anime, Dungeons & Dragons, etc. will guarantee that there will be no 2nd date. That shit freaks me out. Get a normal hobby.

If I catch him drinking a poosay drink -- White Zin, Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi O -- there will be no 2nd date. If I can handle my beer, and Jack, Jim, and Jose... my man should be able to as well.

If he mentions that he doesn't like smokers, there will be no 2nd date.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by OTW

Any mention of cosplay, anime, Dungeons & Dragons, etc. will guarantee that there will be no 2nd date. That shit freaks me out. Get a normal hobby.

I love you.

[FAB*SpiceySpice]

Red flags:
-Having no sense of humor and/or not being able to take my jokes (I can't help it, I've always been a sarcastic person and that's not ever going to change)
-Someone who makes fun of me b/c I drive a Lexus, have doctors for parents, and still get an allowance (this happens way too often sadly).
-Talking about themselves and how great they are constantly...so annoying
-Being "too nice" (ie always agreeing with me, telling me what they think I "want" to hear, being a pushover)
-Bad grammar, I can't stand it when guys say things like "I ain't done that yet" or "I seen them yesterday" or "He don't need my help with that"...wtf, seriously!!! I just don't get this at all.
-Someone who doesn't like dogs, especially MY DOG. My dog is like my child, and he sleeps in my bed everynight so if you don't like him, too bad...definitely not the person for me.
-Any guy that compliments me only on the way I look, after they've gotten to know me better. It's nice that you think I'm beautiful or whatever, but I love myself b/c of the person that I am, not b/c of what I look like...
-Constant talking about their ex and even worse comparing me to them

I'm sure I have lots more, but that's enough for now.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by FAB*SpiceySpice

Red flags:
-Someone who makes fun of me b/c I drive a Lexus, have doctors for parents, and still get an allowance (this happens way too often sadly).

I'd make fun of you, too.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by FAB*SpiceySpice

Red flags:
-Someone who makes fun of me b/c I drive a Lexus, have doctors for parents, and still get an allowance (this happens way too often sadly).

Definitely, and I think, for the most part, bringing up family money (or lack thereof) would be kind of tasteless on the first date anyway. That, is, unless it's like RC's case, where you know the person enough to get away with a little kidding around.

Like Rob said, some people are just more used to it because of maturity, environment, etc. I never really had to deal with it on dates; girls would ask why I was working two jobs during undergrad, but when I explained it was to pay for school, none really asked further. In fact, the only girl who got the full story was probably my wife...

However, a talk on money and/or family money would be enough to turn off anyone on the first date.

[DolphinChicaDDD]

Originally Posted by OTW

Any mention of cosplay, anime, Dungeons & Dragons, etc. will guarantee that there will be no 2nd date. That shit freaks me out. Get a normal hobby.

If I catch him drinking a poosay drink -- White Zin, Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi O -- there will be no 2nd date. If I can handle my beer, and Jack, Jim, and Jose... my man should be able to as well.

If he mentions that he doesn't like smokers, there will be no 2nd date.

I agree with most of those, particulary the drink. Except the smoking- You know me and my bag o' drugs. Bag o' drugs and I require a nonsmoker. Along with someone who can deal with the fact that anywhere we might go overnight, I need to bring a bag o' drugs.

Other flags:
-torturing animals as a child
-can't hold a conversation
-if when i mention my occupation he makes a comment along the lines of, 'i would totally fantazie about you if i were in high school.' i can handle the 'why did i have all old teachers in high school' but not the first.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country.

.....