What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by _Opi_

No offense, but shouldn't your main priority be on her. You're not really dating her family, you're dating her. I know you got burned in the last relationship (saw your post on the other thread) but it's not healthy to carry baggage from another relationship on to this one. Obviously, you should fit in with the family, no doubt..but at the end of the day, you're building a relationship with "her".


A red flag for me would be someone who is judgmental, especially when it comes to women. He wasn't judging me, but other females. We have common friends, and he described one of them to have gained so much "weight". Red flag was up. It was unfortunate that this was a habitual thing for him. That was such a major turn off. He was a nice guy, but no second date, of course.

Yes my main priority is her, but if her family is not like mine, it's not going to work. Yes I did get burned, but I don't carry over what happend in my past to current relationships. I look at that as a learning experience. Family is important. Here's an example. In my last realtionship, her family was totally the opposite of mine. She came from an abusive home, and her mother had been married several times. Not her fault and no offense to those who come from backgrounds like this, but anyway we went to one of her family members wedding and I was sitting in this van with her sister's husband and his friend, after a while they started smoking weed. That's not me. Nothing against weed smokers, but I don't like it. She's not a weed smoker, according to what she told me. A lot of things started to come out the longer we were together though. There were so many things I wasn't used to based on the way I was raised. I hated being around her ghetto family. This is one of the things that caused problems in our relationship. Back then I was only looking at her and not her background. Now I look at background. The way I was raised was nothing like her background. Opi I have to disagree with you when it comes to dating and what I think is important. You make some valid points though.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Yes my main priority is her, but if her family is not like mine, it's not going to work. Yes I did get burned, but I don't carry over what happend in my past to current relationships. I look at that as a learning experience. Family is important. Here's an example. In my last realtionship, her family was totally the opposite of mine. She came from an abusive home, and her mother had been married several times. Not her fault and no offense to those who come from backgrounds like this, but anyway we went to one of her family members wedding and I was sitting in this van with her sister's husband and his friend, after a while they started smoking weed. That's not me. Nothing against weed smokers, but I don't like it. She's not a weed smoker, according to what she told me. A lot of things started to come out the longer we were together though. There were so many things I wasn't used to based on the way I was raised. I hated being around her ghetto family. This is one of the things that caused problems in our relationship. Back then I was only looking at her and not her background. Now I look at background. The way I was raised was nothing like her background. Opi I have to disagree with you when it comes to dating and what I think is important. You make some valid points though.

Dude, aside me from saying "I told you so" and "you were only looking at ass"... You can never make a "ho into a housewife"...

You discounted sistahs who you thought were "nerds" and "goofay". They didn't wear the cutest or revealing clothes. You chose ass and booty shaking over brains and beauty... Put it more bluntly, you chose a "Mary Magdelene" rather than the "Heavenly Sarah"... Dealing with a "Magdelene" and having her come to see the "light" is very different than loving a "Heavenly Sarah".

You chose to come under a legally binding "holy matrimonial" with a woman who failed to respect or understand the meaning of being with another human being. You disrespected yourself and your own family.

Really, rather than assessing the young lady's familial background, you need to start to love and respect yourself enough to include a woman who respects and loves you and your familial background...

It's that "let no one put asunder" and that "leaving and cleaving unto your mate".

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Dude, aside me from saying "I told you so" and "you were only looking at ass"... You can never make a "ho into a housewife"...

You discounted sistahs who you thought were "nerds" and "goofay". They didn't wear the cutest or revealing clothes. You chose ass and booty shaking over brains and beauty... Put it more bluntly, you chose a "Mary Magdelene" rather than the "Heavenly Sarah"... Dealing with a "Magdelene" and having her come to see the "light" is very different than loving a "Heavenly Sarah".

You chose to come under a legally binding "holy matrimonial" with a woman who failed to respect or understand the meaning of being with another human being. You disrespected yourself and your own family.

Really, rather than assessing the young lady's familial background, you need to start to love and respect yourself enough to include a woman who respects and loves you and your familial background...

It's that "let no one put asunder" and that "leaving and cleaving unto your mate".

No, that's not true. If I just wanted ass, I could have gotten plenty of that daily from several women. Not trying to be arrogant, but it's true. I've only been in two serious relationships. I've always been the commited type. I've never slept around, I could have, but I didn't. So it's definitly not about someones ass. I've never turned any women away, but I'm not going to be with someone I'm not physically attracted to. As far as respecting myself. I do, that's why I refuse to date just anyone, and as you said I don't just look for ass and some woman shaking her ass. That's a turn off for me. As far as family respect, I never disrespect my family either. Never have and never will. As far as nerds and goofy ladies. Nothing wrong with that. I think those women are very interesting, in fact I prefer women like that, but if I'm not physically attracted to her, then we can just be friends. You have your opinion based on what I wrote, and that's cool, but I'm not changing mine.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

No, that's not true. If I just wanted ass, I could have gotten plenty of that daily from several women. Not trying to be arrogant, but it's true. I've only been in two serious relationships. I've always been the commited type. I've never slept around, I could have, but I didn't. So it's definitly not about someones ass. I've never turned any women away, but I'm not going to be with someone I'm not physically attracted to. As far as repsecting myself. I do, that's why I refuse to date just anyone, and as you said I don't just look for ass and some woman shaking her ass. That's a turn off for me. As far as family respect, I never disrespect my family either. Never have and never will. As far as nerds and goofy ladies. Nothing wrong with that. I think those women are very interesting, in fact I prefer women like that, but if I'm not physically attracted to her, then we can just be friends. You have your opinion based on what I wrote, and that's cool, but I'm not changing mine.

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

The women I've dated in the past, I never tried to change. They pretty much told me the things I wanted to hear. I dated the representative and not the real person. My X told me that if she had been truthful to me from the start I wouldn't have been with her, so she felt she had to lie. That whole relationship was built on lies. I'm not perfect, I lack some things, but I have nothing to hide. You're absolutely right, no woman can fill all my desires, just like I can't fulfill all of hers, but there are somethings I won't settle for. My X was cool, we just drifted apart.

AKA_Monet you're one of the more intelligent GCers on here, but I can't agree with you when you say that getting serious with a woman based on family background is wrong. We'll have to agree to disagree on that. As far as my quest for a relationship, I'm not looking. Who knows I may run in to her, I may not. I may not be able to get everything I would like, but one thing I can say is that I'm not going to settle. If you settled, that's cool, and I hope your marriage continues to prosper, I hope I don't end up with someone who just settles for me. I hope I'm the one she really wants to be with. I'm not just pursuing women from other ethnic groups, I'm just saying if the right woman comes along, it doesn't matter what race she is, as long as we have a lot in common, respect and enjoy each other. As far as every woman I come into contact with just has to be herself. She doesn't have to tell me what I want to hear. I'll be the one to determine if I think she's compatible with me. The women I dated in the past when I was young, is in the past. I'm older now, and if I could do it all over again I would, because it was a good learning experience.

[Scandia]

Red flags:

- Criticizing me: my manners, my weight, my hobbies, etc.
- Knowing things about me that are NOT easy to find out. I am NOT a private person- but there are some things that would take A LOT of prodding to find out. Especially back then when there was no Yahoo/Google/Zabasearch.
- Gossipping about other people's flaws.
- Too much interest too soon.
- Disrespect and rudeness- towards me or anyone else.
- Not taking no for an answer when I refuse physical contact too soon or to engage in a certain activity or go a certain place.
- Objective discrepancies that show a person is simply not for me, such as a very large gap in education level, or a religion that is just way too different from my beliefs.
- Doing drugs, or smoking in front of me.
- While one prejudiced or stereotyped remark is something that I can look the other way regarding, if the person constantly trash-talks groups AND individuals, it WILL make me very uncomfortable. Too negative. Conversely, if the person raises holy hell if someone makes an inaccurate remark or uses an out of date term, that is also unrealistic and too judgmental.

Yellow flags:

- Not liking animals.
- Too many specific phobias, especially if they have no explanation.
- Stating you like a certain kind of woman that I could never be.
- Not picking battles sensibly.
- After a few dates, if all the nice things you say about me are regarding the way I look, and all the things you dislike about me are regarding the way I sound, I may assume you want a woman who speaks only when spoken to and is seen and not heard. Hence I WILL hightail.
- Sarcasm and snark, even if not directed at me.
- Being creeped out by a certain item I collect (yup, it happened), or saying it is infantile to do so.

[sdsuchelle]

I agree with almost everything Scandia said.. except the smoking part. I can deal with an ocassional smoker.

Not liking animals, especially MY dogs, is grounds for disqualification.

[mulattogyrl]

red/yellow flags:

- those that talk too much about their ex
- arrogant attitude/chip on shoulder - BIG turn off
- too nice too soon; telling me what he 'thinks' I want to hear

[Dionysus]

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

[tunatartare]

Answering your cell phone during dinner (unless it's a family emergency) will almost guarantee that there will be no second date.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

I'm going to have to agree with this as well. One of my major issues during my last relationship was the family. Granted, they were good to me and all that, but I was really concerned with how poorly they had managed money. I'm in my mid-20s, with graduate school debt and living in an expensive city, and I had more saved for retirement. I saw not only that their son had inherited their shitty view towards money, I also saw that we would be providing for their retirement. NOT FREAKING FAIR.

Also, despite the fact that I was better with money, his father still had the nerve to email me about what neighborhoods we should live in because he thought they'd be more "cost-effective." This coming from a man who doesn't have a retirement fund and, because his son has the same name, had ruined the ex's credit through bankruptcy. What made it worse was the old man has only been in NYC once in his entire life, and has no freaking clue about which neighborhoods are convenient to what we need to do. What gave him the authority to tell me how to spend my money? I just saw this happening for the rest of my life, and I also saw his son not supporting me on that, either. So, I got out of there.

The current boy? Well, his parents don't live in the country.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

I so agree with you PrettyBoy about family. What's the point of picking a decent guy/girl if they have a really really fucked up family? Unless they aren't close to their family at all, it's very easy for their family's drama to spill over into your relationship. I've witnessed this way too many times, and have even experienced it once. I once dropped a guy I really liked only after dating two or three weeks, because I couldn't handle the drama from his thug assed brother. I WILL NOT put up with having to pool money to bail someone out of jail, having my things stolen, letting family members live and freeload of us, fearing our personal safety if a family member is violent, and so on.

That's it! You hit the nail on the head. Once I find out her family is the least bit opposite of mine, I mean, it can just be one thing. ...There will not be a 2nd date. We can be friends and that's it. Nothing else. I've told women this too. I let them know up front after they started showing me that they want more. I just told them our backgrounds are too different. So far I have a friend I like a lot, she's really nice, and our backgrounds are very similar. Everything seems cool so far .

[ZTAMich]

A red flag for me once was heavy smoking. The guy kept excusing himself to go outside & smoke. What really pissed me off wasn't the smoking but that he went out more than 2 times to smoke. I understand it's an addiction but have some manners!

[ZTAngel]

Personal attacks will not be tolerated. I don't care if her info is posted on the internet or elsewhere on GC. It won't be posted in my forum.

[christiangirl]

If he used "n$gger" at any point to anyone even as a joke...yellow flag. I generally don't like to hear people use it, no matter what race. If he used it directed at me: red flag. If he was a non-minority and used it at me: I wouldn't even say good bye as I headed out the door.