Needing help fitting in despite rough circumstances.

[lunalovegood]

Hey everyone, I'd really like some support and advice on what to do here, as I am in a rough situation and I'm not really sure how to handle it.

This post contains information that may be triggering to some.

I'm a first year student, and I was initiated into AGD. I think it was a great decision for me and I was so happy when I got my bid and a lot of the process has been great.

This is the hard part. Well, my first week of school, even before classes and formal recruitment began, I was raped. I was NOT drunk, I said no, I pushed away, I did everything I could, but it happened. I've been dealing with PTSD since then, but it got more severe starting late September… which was after I signed my bid and began the new member process.

I want you guys to have an idea of what I'm going through and how it's affecting me so I'm going to tell you a lot.

Physically: terrible sleep patterns and nightmares, as I was raped in my own bed. I got a room change, but I hate sleeping because of what happened, so I get maybe 4 hours a night. Eating a lot less; I've dropped ten pounds since the start of the semester.

Emotionally/Mentally: I have a lot of flashbacks and am easily frightened by the dark and loud noises and even certain colors and words. I have a lot of anxiety, so much that it sometimes paralyzes me. I have feelings of worthlessness a lot that have led to self-destructive behaviors.

Academically: My rapist was in my physics class, and it not only scared me, but the idea of physics began to overwhelm me because I associated him with the class… I stopped showing up, worked out an arrangement with my professor (without telling her the real reason), but couldn't keep my end up because I was THAT overwhelmed by it. I showed up to the tests, which were in a huge room, and managed to see him every time. The anxiety I had about leaving my room stopped me from attending classes. I ended up having a meeting with the dean and I'm repeating the semester, but if I hadn't done that, my grades would have been dismal.

Behaviorally: The feelings of anxiety and worthlessness lead me to do a lot of negative things. Skipping classes, not doing homework, not eating, sleeping a lot, engaging in self-destructive behaviors: self-injury, drinking, and promiscuity.

I have been in counseling and on medication for the PTSD. I have also been in the process of pressing judicial charges against the guy who did it.

I'm in a better place right now somewhat, because most of this culminated in a huge breakdown where one of my guy friends brought me to the crisis center and I was admitted to the hospital for three days.

I feel like I'm having a hard time really fitting in and getting to know my new sisters because of my emotional state. It's not that -- on any level -- I don't love my sisters already, because I do. And I want to get to know them better, but I'm having such a hard time with that, because I feel like I don't fit in. I'm not in a place where I'm ready to be social on weekend nights at fraternity parties. I get overwhelmed really easily in large groups now, so I kind of dread going to chapter or up to the house for dinner. The girls in my pledge class have gotten a lot closer and I feel almost intrusive, like a nuisance, every time I talk to them.

I'm not saying that this is all my sisters being bad people because the large majority do NOT know what I'm going through. My big is the only one who knows… she's supported me since I found out I was her little. Sometime after Thanksgiving something changed in our friendship and we haven't been talking except for the day I was admitted. In all honesty, this may have to do with my inability to change my behaviors even after she's tried to help; i.e, getting more sharp things to cut with after she's taken them, lying to her about what I've been doing, the amount of hookups, etc. And I can't blame her for being mad, and I owe her a huge apology. It's just really hard not having her there even to go to Starbucks and Panera with to gossip.

I have considered the idea of disaffiliating myself, but that is not something I want to do. I know a huge part of this lies in me getting better and getting the help I need.

Do you guys have any ideas on how I could handle this situation? I get more and more upset the more I think about it, and right now I really don't need to be in a worse emotional state than I already am.


Love to you all and have a Happy New Year.

[AOII Angel]

Maybe you shouldn't make any big decisions until you get your emotional state figured out. You've had a big trauma. Trying to juggle all of this is obviously too much for you. Talk to your chapter president and advisor. There may be options to let you get things together without losing a valuable resource like Alpha Gam. Under no circumstances should you force yourself to do things that will make you uncomfortable or relive the event. Continue with your counseling. Ask your counselor for advice on how to proceed, as well. Thank goodness you had a friend that got you help when you needed it. Take care of yourself. I am sorry you have had to suffer through this and feel alone.

[WhiteDaisy128]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Maybe you shouldn't make any big decisions until you get your emotional state figured out. You've had a big trauma. Trying to juggle all of this is obviously too much for you. Talk to your chapter president and advisor. There may be options to let you get things together without losing a valuable resource like Alpha Gam. Under no circumstances should you force yourself to do things that will make you uncomfortable or relive the event. Continue with your counseling. Ask your counselor for advice on how to proceed, as well. Thank goodness you had a friend that got you help when you needed it. Take care of yourself. I am sorry you have had to suffer through this and feel alone.

I agree with all of this...especially not making any big decisions until you are feeling better.

Have you considered going to the campus police? I know it would be hard, but the man who did this to you will do it again to someone else. I'd want to do everything possible to prevent that from happening.

[violetpretty]

Don't feel pressured to bond with your pledge class now. It's not a "now or never" kind of thing. Focus on getting the help you need, and keeping supportive friends close. When you're ready, you'll find your niche in the chapter.

I don't know AGD specific membership policies, but my sorority allows members to take a one semester leave of absence during their time as a collegian (you'd be taking classes but not paying dues nor have the obligations that semester) , and a circumstance like yours would definitely be a valid reason for doing so. If you have to take a semester off school, you'll probably be granted alumna status (provided you're in good standing financially) and can be reinstated as a collegian upon return. Ask your chapter advisor about AGD's policies if you are considering either of those options.

Oh, and nice username

[FSUZeta]

i am so sorry that this has happened to you. please do take your time and do let the chapter advisor and the president know what has happened so that they can help you. hugs to you.

[DubaiSis]

I haven't been through this myself, thankfully, but I'm wondering if telling the police and working through all of that might help you recover by way of giving yourself a little empowerment. Do talk to your therapist about this possibility. Rape is such a common thing in college that I think you'd find you have a lot more support than you thought. Of course, not to completely poop rainbows, you will also have people who blame you. But I think you will find the supporters outnumber the pigs.

I also don't know the life cycle of this type of grief. Maybe there is no normal period of recovery, but it sounds like you're talking 4 months or so. I think you might be expecting a lot out of yourself in a short period of time. Talk to your family if you haven't already. And as far as the sorority goes, use them to the extent you can. Try to open up a little to them so they can understand, support and help. And do try to be honest with the school about your situation. They are going to be a lot more supportive with a girl going through this than a freshman girl who's just a flake. Honesty is going to be the best policy here and a lot of schools have tremendous support systems in place. Finally, I know my sorority offers confidential counseling free to its members. I don't know how that could help in addition to what you already have, but it's something to be aware of.

[AXOrushadvisor]

Lunalovegood here are some {hugs} for you. I'm very sorry this happened to you.

I totally understand why you wouldn't want to go out and go to Fraternity parties or head to dinner at the Chapter house because of the anxiety your feeling being in large groups. Do you have a Big Sister in the house that you can hang with one on one on your terms? Maybe taking baby steps and doing some things one on one with members will help you start to feel more connected. Maybe to go to study some place quiet or have a coffee in an apartment. I also think that you need to have a conversation with the President and an Advisor. There may even be some resources available through AGD. You don't have to do this alone if you don't want to. Good luck to you. I will pray for you that each day you heal a little more and things get a little easier for you.

[melindawarren]

First off, I'm obsessed with your username. Luna has always been one of my favorite characters. Second to Bellatrix Lestrange, of course.

I think that, as others said, you'll find more support than you think. If this came up with one of my sisters (knock on wood), I can pretty much assure you that I'd do whatever she needed to help her recover-whether she needed rides across town to see specific doctors, time to sit and talk or a chance to get away from campus for a bit. She's my sister, after all, and I want nothing but the best for the entire chapter.

While there will always be girls who will seem indifferent (they're probably just unsure), there will also always be girls who want to give you a hug, make a giant mug of hot chocolate and watch Elf for the gazillionth time.

I'm not advising you to jump up at chapter and tell everyone about it; I AM, however, encouraging you to stop keeping it so under wraps, because you never know what you'll find.

And also, I doubt your pledge class views you as a nuisance. I bet they just don't feel that it's as easy to reach out to you. I know this probably isn't what you feel like doing, but try reaching out to a few of them in a smaller group and see if you can grab lunch with one or two girls. Branch out from there.

I just want to throw out one last thing: since you know who your rapist is, if you feel comfortable, I think you could derive a lot of benefit from following DubaiSis's advice and filing a police report.

I am always here to listen if you want to talk about anything. Sending ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) and lots of love. <3

[DaffyKD]

You need to report this to the police. The rapist is still on campus going about his life as if he has no consequences to consider. HE WILL DO THIS AGAIN and maybe something worse next time. There is no reason on earth you should have to be in his presence during a class where he can flaunt his power over you.

You need to talk to the chapter advisors. Your sisters can help you heal, but only if they understand that there are reasons for your destructive behaviors. They don't need the details, they don't need to know exactly what happened until you are confortable talking to 1 or 2 of them. As long as they know that there is something going on and you are not just some wild girl who left home so you can act out, they will be a strong support for you.

Many moons ago when I was a collegian, we had a pledged freak out uncontrollably during a Halloween event. Most of us were confused and frightened by what happened. Eventually, he boyfriend was able to let us know some things. This woman had been raped a year earlier but since she was a Christian Scientist, her mother would not allow her to get counseling. Our chapter President talked to Counseling Services privately to find out how we were able to help her through this. We were able to bond with her, assist in getting class notes, etc while she worked through her current distress. When the chapter president talked to the woman's mother and explained that we were not trained to help, but were doing all we could, Mom finally came to school and personally took her daughter for approved counseling. Once it was in the open and she got help, she herself became empowered to heal and live a "normal" life.

DaffyKD

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Everyone telling the OP what she needs to do w/r/t the police, please STFU. This is an intensely personal decision, and it is hers to make, not yours. She is receiving professional counseling, and knows what her options are.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Everyone telling the OP what she needs to do w/r/t the police, please STFU. This is an intensely personal decision, and it is hers to make, not yours. She is receiving professional counseling, and knows what her options are.

It's intensely personal, but she brought it to a message board and asked for suggestions.

Hopefully, she understands that members are doing just that. Of course, the final decision will be hers.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Everyone telling the OP what she needs to do w/r/t the police, please STFU. This is an intensely personal decision, and it is hers to make, not yours. She is receiving professional counseling, and knows what her options are.

How do you know what she knows? No shit this is an intensely personal decision--that she is not the only person in the world to have experienced--and she created a thread about it.

As I always say, Greekchat is not a therapist session or support group for people with life trauma. It technically is not an advice site for college students and GLO aspirants. However, if people want to come here and share their life stories, they will get responses. They can take or leave those responses.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

How do you know what she knows?

Good point; I forgot how terrible some "counselors" can be, especially the free ones provided by a university.

I take no issue with someone suggesting she report it to the police, I take issue with people saying she NEEDS to do so or that it is the "right" thing to do. The OP should do what is best for herself. There is not some moral imperative for her to report this to the police or for her to see vengeance done.

If someone wants to provide more information on how reporting it can help her, or to share a similar experience where it helped them, be my guest, but telling her that a chosen course of action is the "wrong" one is deeply problematic.

Originally Posted by melindawarren

2. If you ask for an opinion, you get one. Aside from one person, everyone simply advised that reporting him to the police might bring closure. If someone came to me about a rape situation, I'd advise that person to bring it to the police. Because, in many cases, that's a very good piece of advice. But it's not my decision; it's just my idea of advising someone.

I was under the impression (from the thread title) that she was asking for advice w/r/t her GLO. The OP is a little broader than that, so you are right, we all have opinions on everything. I am trying (though maybe not well?) to draw the line between "you may feel better if you did this" and "you are obligated to do this".

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Good point; I forgot how terrible some "counselors" can be, especially the free ones provided by a university.

I take no issue with someone suggesting she report it to the police, I take issue with people saying she NEEDS to do so or that it is the "right" thing to do. The OP should do what is best for herself. There is not some moral imperative for her to report this to the police or for her to see vengeance done.

If someone wants to provide more information on how reporting it can help her, or to share a similar experience where it helped them, be my guest, but telling her that a chosen course of action is the "wrong" one is deeply problematic.

I was under the impression (from the thread title) that she was asking for advice w/r/t her GLO. The OP is a little broader than that, so you are right, we all have opinions on everything. I am trying (though maybe not well?) to draw the line between "you may feel better if you did this" and "you are obligated to do this".

If you wanted to add to the conversation, just add to the conversation. Telling people to shut the fuck up and saying "be my guest" makes me wonder who in the hell you are supposed to be. There are different approaches to this topic. If you want to advise people on tone and wording, you need to check your own tone and wording.

"You need to report this to the police" can be interpreted different ways. Some people will interpret "you need" to be a strong encouragement rather than implying that the person is a hell bound idiot if they do not do so. There are survivors of rape and sexual assault who will also tell people "you need to report this to the police," sometimes in a much stronger and more assertive manner.

You do not ask for GLO advice and then preface it with a story of rape. The GLO part of the story will always be the least important part of the story. But, again, this is what happens when people use Greekchat as a center for advice.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

If you wanted to add to the conversation,

I wish to be unambiguous about the fact that the OP has the right not to report this if she chooses not to do so. If the OP is indeed a real person, she has probably taken that message away from my post. Nothing I say is going to change the minds of the people who feel that she has some moral imperative to do so. Therefore, I believe my word (acronym?) choice has conveyed exactly the message I intended.

You are more than welcome to continue scolding me if you feel that it somehow "adds to the conversation", though.