Life's short, get a divorce

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

What is so positive about "just working things out?"

What if things CAN'T be "worked out"?

The irony here is that it's a very American viewpoint that therapy can solve all issues - that's not at all true. All the counseling in the world can't save a bad marriage - and people change over time. The desire to be married by a certain (usually young) age carries the risk of change, the risk of divorce - and bending over backwards to make it work, while certainly a romantic ideal, seems counterproductive, tedious, and borderline insane to me.

You can't foresee all the problems in a marriage, and you can't just up and decide to "make" something work. To think otherwise is at best arrogant.

Therapy won't necessarily keep couples together, but it's only partially designed to. Therapy can help people make the decision whether to work things out or break it off, and if they do divorce it can make it a much more amiable experience which is better for all parties, particularly the kids.

[EE-BO]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So are you saying marriage is purely a religious institution? Help me understand.

No, did not mean to suggest that.

I was just pointing out that in a certain religious context marriage can be- and has often been- used to promote the submission of one party to another in a way that is ultimately harmful in many cases.

One of the beauties of the luxurious life we lead today is that a person does not have to get married or stay married because it is the only way to have a secure future.

But that also lends itself to an abuse of the institution.

Still I think that is okay, because two good people who get married will make the best of it- regardless of the final outcome.

[AGDee]

I'm curious what you all think are "frivolous" reasons for divorce? Which problems can be fixed that people get divorced over? Yeah, like Brittney Spears first marriage was a frivolous marriage and divorce, but outside of celebrities, what makes you think that people don't work very hard to try to make it work before they give up on it?

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Therapy won't necessarily keep couples together, but it's only partially designed to. Therapy can help people make the decision whether to work things out or break it off, and if they do divorce it can make it a much more amiable experience which is better for all parties, particularly the kids.

Oh I agree - I wasn't really ripping therapy or counseling in general, just this overbearing "Candyland" view of its efficacy without regard to the situation that seems pervasive. It's the "Dr. Phil Corollary", if you will.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

How is that arrogant? Of course no one can forsee the problems in a marriage, but the problems can be fixed. Couples get frustrated and then they just want to give up. Why even get married, because there are going to be problems. For the people who just want to give up, should just stay single and keep meeting the same men and women at bars and night clubs for the rest of their lives and run the risk of catching AIDS.

wow, this certainly was a nasty post, and not at all cheerful. Not to mention, if you kept meeting the same men & women the chance of catching AIDS would go way down.

Problems cannot be fixed if BOTH people aren't willing to work at it. My best friend wanted to work out the problems in her marriage, but her husband did not. She had no choice. She certainly didn't want to get divorced.

[RU OX Alum]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Then why is the divorce rate so high?

it's not really that high, it is just reported as that way.

that 50% stat people spew is way off, they used too small of a sample, and only followed people that got married that year. That doesn't mean that 50% marriages ended in divorse, only half an already small sample

[ZeroCool]

They took the sign down citing zoning reasons, whatever that means. The ad is a little tasteless, especially to those getting divorced for more legitimate reasons, rather than that they just want to marry someone hotter!

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I'm curious what you all think are "frivolous" reasons for divorce? Which problems can be fixed that people get divorced over? Yeah, like Brittney Spears first marriage was a frivolous marriage and divorce, but outside of celebrities, what makes you think that people don't work very hard to try to make it work before they give up on it?

Gwirl, your real question is what folks think are "frivolous" reasons to get married... Because you can only get divorced if you were married...

But folks break up in relationships all the time due to "legion" reasons.

Kids these days--and a kid is under 25 in my eyes--think that working hard on a relationship is sharing your myspace page with your significant other...

When bills cannot be paid because one person depleted the bank account happens, it is easier to logically come to the conclusion that a pair-bond should end... So why work hard to try to make it work before they give up on it?

Whereas, really, the logic should be placed, first, without romantic blinders, on HOW mates overall spending habits and values before formalizing and legalizing a pair-bond relationship. Then when a bank depletion occurs, each person can come to a rationalization that each other has these different cultural norms to progress to a mutually beneficial relationship...

Basically, until my husband and I sat down with a financial advisor, our relationship was headed for disaster. But my husband began to understand my financial values and goals, whereas, I began to understand his financial values and goals. We would have been better off if we had done that before we were married. But we did not. So a word to the wise:

No Romance Without Finance is a Nuisance...

[EE-BO]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Whereas, really, the logic should be placed, first, without romantic blinders, on HOW mates overall spending habits and values before formalizing and legalizing a pair-bond relationship. Then when a bank depletion occurs, each person can come to a rationalization that each other has these different cultural norms to progress to a mutually beneficial relationship...

Basically, until my husband and I sat down with a financial advisor, our relationship was headed for disaster. But my husband began to understand my financial values and goals, whereas, I began to understand his financial values and goals. We would have been better off if we had done that before we were married. But we did not. So a word to the wise:

No Romance Without Finance is a Nuisance...

Very well said! A relative of mine spent 10 years paying off bills and restoring her credit after a former spouse did his damage. It amazed me to see just what he was able to get away with and leave her responsible to take care of.

I don't look on this as "unromantic" as it were, though some might think it a bit cold and calculating to think about money before marriage. Any kind of long term relationship takes work- and I figure adjusting one's personal financial discipline, if necessary, is just one more way that one puts some necessary personal effort into a union.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by EE-BO

I don't look on this as "unromantic" as it were, though some might think it a bit cold and calculating to think about money before marriage. Any kind of long term relationship takes work- and I figure adjusting one's personal financial discipline, if necessary, is just one more way that one puts some necessary personal effort into a union.

A work colleague told me her husband spent all her money while she was submitted the divorce paperwork. But there were several other reasons for her divorce, too that I won't go into.

Most couples are thought to divorce because finances.

However, here is the divorce decline article in the newspaper. Interesting...