Playas till the day we die...

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by 357Nupe

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work.

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

here's a ?? though...

is it fair to leave a man high and dry without letting him know why? and in letting him know why, arent you telling that man i am ready/waiting on you?

i know it is grounds to get my feelings hurt if i go in with that "marry me or else" attitude. HOWEVER...i am not going to sit back and shack up and not at least let you know my feelings. i find it to be quite helpful when i hear exactly what he's thinking. and at the same time, i know plenty of women who sit and wait forever and he never says anything about marriage/settling down.

are we as women supposed to sit and wait for you all to tell us what you want? or should men step up and lay it all on the table for us at the beginning of the relationship or once your feelings change one way or the other?

Firstly, should women and men have roles to fulfill in regards to marriage, then to each other, if to each other?

If a woman desires marriage, then she actually chooses the request from the man, unless she is bold and wants to ask her man herself.

Standards are appropriate when you can hold yourself similarly accountable. You can expect a "Prince William" or "Prince Harry" when you are no where near that kind of royalty. Sure, one can dream. However, is that a real situation for majority of African American women?

I cannot ask my husband to be anymore than that which I am willing to put into our marriage relationship. He has to be free to choose and I can hope it is me. That is the basis of trust in the relationship.

Secondly, anyone in the relationship can walk without explanation. Legally, it is hard to do so when one is married in the United States. Other countries I am not sure about. But, people that give these marriage licenses out assume folks are adults who make adult decisions. If one chooses to married someone who will leave without explanation--I hope that would never happen--then, he or she has that option to make their own choices. Part of this is karma, part of this is common sense.

If you leave without explanation, what to stop your partner from doing the same?

The other issue, is you only love one who loves in return. To run up under a man who will never love you as you deserve, then it to allow yourself with plenty of pain. That suggests definition by the "man" in your life, rather than who you defined yourself to be or become. And if those are your reasons to get married these days--well, oh well, whatever, good luck with that!

[pinkies up]

Originally Posted by 357Nupe

I wanted to quote a bunch of stuff on this topic, but I thought I will just say my peace.

I am a married man (12 years 12/10/94), with quite a few married friends, most are happy or not mad enough to leave. This thread is a point of conversation for us quite often, from why we got married to do we want to stay married.

Our answers can be summed up as follows:

We all found our wives, persued our wives, caught (clubbed over the head, talked that good ish, etc..) our wives, and married our wives. We also found that none of us had been pressured or made to set a timeline or any other buzzword women use to say are you going to marry me anytime soon or where is this relationship going.

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him. I luckly met the extremely high standards my wife had and has and she accepted me.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work. Thats just my thoughts I could be wrong but my 12 happy years say I may be on the right track.

All I know is that I'm about to set a lot of my Sorors and Sistergreeks against me when I tell you that your post is on point. It's not about a "role" in the sense of "women wash and cook" and "men make the money", but more of the woman sometimes allowing the man to take the lead. When I stopped looking for a man, or a husband, that's when HE came TO ME.

[1908Revelations]

<-------Not against you Soror

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by pinkies up

All I know is that I'm about to set a lot of my Sorors and Sistergreeks against me when I tell you that your post is on point. It's not about a "role" in the sense of "women wash and cook" and "men make the money", but more of the woman sometimes allowing the man to take the lead. When I stopped looking for a man, or a husband, that's when HE came TO ME.

Wow. A woman that wants a man to take the lead? Women usually jump down my throat for voicing my opinion on this. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high because men won't take the lead. That's Biblical. It's the man's job to take care of his wife. It's not her job to take care of him. Women aren't designed to take on the load. Women get frustrated and stressed when she feels she has to take on the load. I agree with you all the way. In a marriage a woman has the option if she wants to work or not. I know this sounds crazy but if she doesn't want to work, then the joker she's with needs to do what he's gotta do to make ends meet. Now, of course if she does want to work then that's always a blessing, but she doesn't have to. That's all I've ever seen my dad do, was lead the family. Sons are going to do what they see their fathers do. I was raised to lead. The problem is finding a woman who wants to be led. Today's women say "I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to take care of me." That's part of the problem. Any man that lets his woman lead him, in my book is one sorry poor excuse for a man.

The Bible says wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands. It also says submit yourselves to one another. That doesn't mean for the man to submit to her lead, it means he is to submit to her needs, and she will submit to his lead.

[AKA_Monet]

The Rules. Living it Ala Carte style. Rules are made to be broken.

I am married. I never thought I would meet someone that would ask me to marry him and I take his request seriously. We barely knew each other.

But, I knew he was a good guy. He could not have all these "accomplishments" and be a total EFF-up. May be I did settle, but my husband puts a house over my head and food to eat. Sure, I could do it on my own, a house may take me some time, but I have found that I am extremely lonely at the top...

After our 3rd date, I told my boyfriend (now husband) that he needed to tell me where to go and how to get there within 3 months. Our "dates" required airplane flights.

Now, you cannot say that to anyone or your heart will get broken. But, if you want that person in your life and he or she is feeling your vibe, then it should not be difficult for you to state that to them succinctly.

My now husband's reaction: he said was giving him too much pressure. Then, I told him he can decide what he wants and after 3 months, he can make a decision or not. But, if I have to make that decision of what kind of relationship we need to have, we will not be in a relationship anymore, forever. He could have called my bluff, but to him, having me in his life was important. So he proposed--on the phone. We eloped because an argument. But, I must say it has been the most self-introspection and great experience of my life. I cannot imagine life without him, now.

I think we believe in this "fairy tale" dream of "how it is 'suppose' to be" as if we are on soap opera television pay per view. Let me tell you, all of that does not make a MARRIAGE. Marriage is hard for a reason. I learned is absolutely does not matter "HOW" you get married, it is all about "WHO" you marry and YOUR reasons you chose to marry them. If better not be about being rich--because you say "for richer or poorer". It better not be about health, because you say "in sickness and in health". And it better not be just about growing old, because you say "'til death do you part" and you never know when that is...

The best you can hope for is to have a "loving relationship" in your marriage. And remember, you are building a "family" even if it is just the 2 of you.

There are practical things you can do together.

PM me if you have questions.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i dont think it is the men's fault 100%. we, as women, need to learn how to gently put our foot down when it comes to relationships. we cant threaten you all into marrying us. we cant get knocked up and trap you. what we can do (but usually dont) is follow thru on our threats. i had to do that, didnt want to, but it got to that point with my now fiance. i had to explain to him that after 4 years, if there was not a good reason to stay shacked up, that i was leaving. i packed my stuff and left. i didnt want a ring, i didnt want a proposal, i wanted a PLAN. thats what i got!

maybe im wrong, but thats what most women want: an intention to do right by us!

That's it. There you go! I'm not trying to be graphic, but I call it like I see it. These men gotta realize the nookie isn't free. Make that joker pay for it with a ring. Most men are like, hey if I can get it for free, cool. Once she gets pregnant that joker is out. That's why you gotta make that joker pay for it with a ring.

[KAPital PHINUst]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Ladies and Gents. What happened? I know this problem reaches far out of my fraternity. Black men period! I don't know many of my peers period who are in positive long term committed relationships or married. How will our people ever mend our family structure when we no longer value one of it's most essential ties.

Simply put Nupe, is the fact that the incentive for men to get married has been greatly reduced, for a multitude of reasons. In 2007, a man has a lot to lose by marrying or even committing to the wrong woman. He must choose wisely. btw, yes there are an abundance of good women out there, but you have to take your time in selecting one.

Hope this helps.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Yesterday at the Bar-B-Kue I was looking around and just watching. I noticed something that made me scratch my head. A lot of my older bruhs (35+) were still unmarried. As a matter of fact I could only count on one hand the older Nupes I know who are married. A lot of my bruhs have children (as evident by the droves of lil ones running a muck in dat park). A lot of my bruhs have women, but not wives (can't remember the last time I met a Silhouette). This felt like a glimpse into my future, as i am now back on da market with no aspirations of remarriage.

Ladies and Gents. What happened? I know this problem reaches far out of my fraternity. Black men period! I don't know many of my peers period who are in positive long term committed relationships or married. How will our people ever mend our family structure when we no longer value one of it's most essential ties.

Nupe, good question. I really don't know man. I don't know what's wrong with relationships today. It seems like everyone is scared of serious relationships. Including me. I was single for 4 years because I didn't want to get involved in another relationship that wasn't going to work out. I think that's part of the problem. People just don't like getting hurt, and once it happens then we don't want to try it again. Now a days no one seems to want to work on relationships. They take a lot work. No one wants to make that sacrifice and they do take sacrifice. If both people aren't willing to do it, it won't work. The divorce rate is high, because people want to call it quits after a few arguments. My last relationship was about money. She liked the kind of money I didn't have. That's a big issue now. Back in the day it wasn't like that. Couples worked through all of that. I really don't think it's going to happen if people aren't willing to settle down with one person and stay with that one person, of course unless they cheat or abuse is involved. The title of this thread is perfect, because that's basically what jokers are doing now is sleeping with as many people as they can. I honestly really don't think anyone likes going from person to person. People just aren't wired that way, at least most of us aren't. I think most people want that serious relationship, we just let our insecurities get in the way which destroys all possibilities of even starting a serious relationship. My 2 cents.

[ShamikaT]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Yesterday at the Bar-B-Kue I was looking around and just watching. I noticed something that made me scratch my head. A lot of my older bruhs (35+) were still unmarried. As a matter of fact I could only count on one hand the older Nupes I know who are married. A lot of my bruhs have children (as evident by the droves of lil ones running a muck in dat park). A lot of my bruhs have women, but not wives (can't remember the last time I met a Silhouette). This felt like a glimpse into my future, as i am now back on da market with no aspirations of remarriage.

Ladies and Gents. What happened? I know this problem reaches far out of my fraternity. Black men period! I don't know many of my peers period who are in positive long term committed relationships or married. How will our people ever mend our family structure when we no longer value one of it's most essential ties.

Shiiiiiii, it's pretty obvioius them niccas haven't been hangin around the right women. LIKE ME. *ahem* My vagina, mouth, and recturm is lined with gold.. I was going to go into more detail, but remembered that this is GC, and some of us are saved.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by ShamikaT

My vagina, mouth, and recturm is lined with gold..

Right..Hey fella's, if you want some free milk...

[ShamikaT]

Originally Posted by NinjaPoodle

Right..Hey fella's, if you want some free milk...

They gonna gets some free milk alright. I link my VA* to frozen yogurt with surp, strawberries, and pecans. What man would keep their spoon away from this?

*Virginia

[ShamikaT]

Originally Posted by tld221

Beware fellas, last i knew that milk ain't been pasteurized!

( ::whispering to ShamikaT "you done turnt 18 yet?" :: )

I'm almost 23.

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Yeah, probably the gold that turns whatever body part it comes into contact with GREEN...

Now, I ain't into any 'tutin, but exchanging my boo'kay of silky purple iris flowers for a little cash won't hurt me at all.

[marquise1911]

So...back to the subject at hand.

[KAPPAtivating]

Originally Posted by ShamikaT

I'm almost 23.



Now, I ain't into any 'tutin, but exchanging my boo'kay of silky purple iris flowers for a little cash won't hurt me at all.

May uncle always told me that you can't stick your nose in every flower you see...just because it may look pretty doesn't always mean it smells good!

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by ShamikaT

My vagina, mouth, and recturm is lined with gold.

Yeah, probably the gold that turns whatever body part it comes into contact with GREEN...

Shamrock Tease, Shabby Thief whatever the hell your name is, here's $20. Go see my cousin K-Roc at the trap house and get your issues worked out.