Playas till the day we die...

[357Nupe]

I wanted to quote a bunch of stuff on this topic, but I thought I will just say my peace.

I am a married man (12 years 12/10/94), with quite a few married friends, most are happy or not mad enough to leave. This thread is a point of conversation for us quite often, from why we got married to do we want to stay married.

Our answers can be summed up as follows:

We all found our wives, persued our wives, caught (clubbed over the head, talked that good ish, etc..) our wives, and married our wives. We also found that none of us had been pressured or made to set a timeline or any other buzzword women use to say are you going to marry me anytime soon or where is this relationship going.

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him. I luckly met the extremely high standards my wife had and has and she accepted me.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work. Thats just my thoughts I could be wrong but my 12 happy years say I may be on the right track.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by 357Nupe

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

here's a ?? though...

is it fair to leave a man high and dry without letting him know why? and in letting him know why, arent you telling that man i am ready/waiting on you?

i know it is grounds to get my feelings hurt if i go in with that "marry me or else" attitude. HOWEVER...i am not going to sit back and shack up and not at least let you know my feelings. i find it to be quite helpful when i hear exactly what he's thinking. and at the same time, i know plenty of women who sit and wait forever and he never says anything about marriage/settling down.

are we as women supposed to sit and wait for you all to tell us what you want? or should men step up and lay it all on the table for us at the beginning of the relationship or once your feelings change one way or the other?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by 357Nupe

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work.

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

here's a ?? though...

is it fair to leave a man high and dry without letting him know why? and in letting him know why, arent you telling that man i am ready/waiting on you?

i know it is grounds to get my feelings hurt if i go in with that "marry me or else" attitude. HOWEVER...i am not going to sit back and shack up and not at least let you know my feelings. i find it to be quite helpful when i hear exactly what he's thinking. and at the same time, i know plenty of women who sit and wait forever and he never says anything about marriage/settling down.

are we as women supposed to sit and wait for you all to tell us what you want? or should men step up and lay it all on the table for us at the beginning of the relationship or once your feelings change one way or the other?

Firstly, should women and men have roles to fulfill in regards to marriage, then to each other, if to each other?

If a woman desires marriage, then she actually chooses the request from the man, unless she is bold and wants to ask her man herself.

Standards are appropriate when you can hold yourself similarly accountable. You can expect a "Prince William" or "Prince Harry" when you are no where near that kind of royalty. Sure, one can dream. However, is that a real situation for majority of African American women?

I cannot ask my husband to be anymore than that which I am willing to put into our marriage relationship. He has to be free to choose and I can hope it is me. That is the basis of trust in the relationship.

Secondly, anyone in the relationship can walk without explanation. Legally, it is hard to do so when one is married in the United States. Other countries I am not sure about. But, people that give these marriage licenses out assume folks are adults who make adult decisions. If one chooses to married someone who will leave without explanation--I hope that would never happen--then, he or she has that option to make their own choices. Part of this is karma, part of this is common sense.

If you leave without explanation, what to stop your partner from doing the same?

The other issue, is you only love one who loves in return. To run up under a man who will never love you as you deserve, then it to allow yourself with plenty of pain. That suggests definition by the "man" in your life, rather than who you defined yourself to be or become. And if those are your reasons to get married these days--well, oh well, whatever, good luck with that!

[mccoyred]

Marriage is hard work and many of us are scared of hard work! We can get degrees and start companies and serve the community but when it comes to making yourself vulnerable to another, we get scared and run for the hills. I have been married for almost 14 years and I can say that it has not been easy. We have had our ups and downs with more good times than bad. We intend to work at this thing and enjoy it until death do us part.


I also think about what I have seen single sisters (divorced, never been married or widowed but looking again) go through and I would not want to voluntarily be single again....babymama/babydaddy drama, STDs/AIDS, online dating, bars/clubs, singles ministries, etc.!

[blklikeme]

AND IF I HAD TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN I WOULD BE RIGHT HERE W? YOU

Originally Posted by mccoyred

Marriage is hard work and many of us are scared of hard work! We can get degrees and start companies and serve the community but when it comes to making yourself vulnerable to another, we get scared and run for the hills. I have been married for almost 14 years and I can say that it has not been easy. We have had our ups and downs with more good times than bad. We intend to work at this thing and enjoy it until death do us part.


I also think about what I have seen single sisters (divorced, never been married or widowed but looking again) go through and I would not want to voluntarily be single again....babymama/babydaddy drama, STDs/AIDS, online dating, bars/clubs, singles ministries, etc.!

[pinkies up]

Originally Posted by 357Nupe

I wanted to quote a bunch of stuff on this topic, but I thought I will just say my peace.

I am a married man (12 years 12/10/94), with quite a few married friends, most are happy or not mad enough to leave. This thread is a point of conversation for us quite often, from why we got married to do we want to stay married.

Our answers can be summed up as follows:

We all found our wives, persued our wives, caught (clubbed over the head, talked that good ish, etc..) our wives, and married our wives. We also found that none of us had been pressured or made to set a timeline or any other buzzword women use to say are you going to marry me anytime soon or where is this relationship going.

Now I know my next statement is going to start something but here goes, It is not a woman's place(role) to tell a men she is ready to be married, now a woman can leave if she feels the relationship is going nowhere but a man will ask when he knows the relationship is ready for that step. With that said every woman should have standards in her head and if he is not up to those standards, LEAVE HIM.

If you look at how marriage was setup women were not put in the finding role but in the accepting role. If he meets your standards you accept him if not dump him. I luckly met the extremely high standards my wife had and has and she accepted me.

In conclusion when men and women understand their roles in relationships the outcome is a lot clearer and easier to obtain. We as men have forgotten our place and ladies you have decided since we can't figure it out you will take over, and sorry to say it does not work. Thats just my thoughts I could be wrong but my 12 happy years say I may be on the right track.

All I know is that I'm about to set a lot of my Sorors and Sistergreeks against me when I tell you that your post is on point. It's not about a "role" in the sense of "women wash and cook" and "men make the money", but more of the woman sometimes allowing the man to take the lead. When I stopped looking for a man, or a husband, that's when HE came TO ME.

[1908Revelations]

<-------Not against you Soror

[raggann03]

I totally agree with this also. It's kind of funny, once you are single, you are faced with two choices - to bemoan your status daily or to accept the opportunity you have to now focus on yourself and learn who you are. I chose the latter and the idea of a relationship freaks me out a little cause I don't want someone coming in and messing up my life

[pinkies up]

Originally Posted by 1908Revelations

<-------Not against you Soror

Thanks Soror!

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by pinkies up

All I know is that I'm about to set a lot of my Sorors and Sistergreeks against me when I tell you that your post is on point. It's not about a "role" in the sense of "women wash and cook" and "men make the money", but more of the woman sometimes allowing the man to take the lead. When I stopped looking for a man, or a husband, that's when HE came TO ME.

Wow. A woman that wants a man to take the lead? Women usually jump down my throat for voicing my opinion on this. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high because men won't take the lead. That's Biblical. It's the man's job to take care of his wife. It's not her job to take care of him. Women aren't designed to take on the load. Women get frustrated and stressed when she feels she has to take on the load. I agree with you all the way. In a marriage a woman has the option if she wants to work or not. I know this sounds crazy but if she doesn't want to work, then the joker she's with needs to do what he's gotta do to make ends meet. Now, of course if she does want to work then that's always a blessing, but she doesn't have to. That's all I've ever seen my dad do, was lead the family. Sons are going to do what they see their fathers do. I was raised to lead. The problem is finding a woman who wants to be led. Today's women say "I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to take care of me." That's part of the problem. Any man that lets his woman lead him, in my book is one sorry poor excuse for a man.

The Bible says wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands. It also says submit yourselves to one another. That doesn't mean for the man to submit to her lead, it means he is to submit to her needs, and she will submit to his lead.

[jubilance1922]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Wow. A woman that wants a man to take the lead? Women usually jump down my throat for voicing my opinion on this. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high because men won't take the lead. That's Biblical. It's the man's job to take care of his wife. It's not her job to take care of him. Women aren't designed to take on the load. Women get frustrated and stressed when she feels she has to take on the load. I agree with you all the way. In a marriage a woman has the option if she wants to work or not. I know this sounds crazy but if she doesn't want to work, then the joker she's with needs to do what he's gotta do to make ends meet. Now, of course if she does want to work then that's always a blessing, but she doesn't have to. That's all I've ever seen my dad do, was lead the family. Sons are going to do what they see their fathers do. I was raised to lead. The problem is finding a woman who wants to be led. Today's women say "I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to take care of me." That's part of the problem. Any man that lets his woman lead him, in my book is one sorry poor excuse for a man.

The Bible says wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands. It also says submit yourselves to one another. That doesn't mean for the man to submit to her lead, it means he is to submit to her needs, and she will submit to his lead.

Just my two cents on the subject....

I was raised by a mother who grew up dirt poor with no father, so she taught me the "take care of yourself, don't depend on a man" mantra. Once I got older and started having relationships, I realized that I had to tailor it a bit. Its true that I don't "need" a man for financial reasons, and I would never date someone who looked at me as a source of financial gain. But in a relationship, while the financial part may not be needed, I need him to give me other things, both tangible and intangible.

In general, I find these kinds of conversations to always end up on the money issues, and a lot of times a woman saying "I don't need a man to pay my rent or my car note or whatever" gets construed into "I don't need or want a man for anything", and those are two different things.

Its also been my experience that there are some lazy men out there, who simply don't want to take the lead, for whatever reason.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by jubilance1922

Just my two cents on the subject....

I was raised by a mother who grew up dirt poor with no father, so she taught me the "take care of yourself, don't depend on a man" mantra. Once I got older and started having relationships, I realized that I had to tailor it a bit. Its true that I don't "need" a man for financial reasons, and I would never date someone who looked at me as a source of financial gain. But in a relationship, while the financial part may not be needed, I need him to give me other things, both tangible and intangible.

In general, I find these kinds of conversations to always end up on the money issues, and a lot of times a woman saying "I don't need a man to pay my rent or my car note or whatever" gets construed into "I don't need or want a man for anything", and those are two different things.

Its also been my experience that there are some lazy men out there, who simply don't want to take the lead, for whatever reason.

That's cool. You're right there are some lazy jokers who are content with letting the woman lead him and take care of him. Not me. I have to lead and I have to have a woman who is comfortable with this. I'm not saying I have to be the bread winner, though I would prefer to be, but if I'm not, I'm still going to be the head of that marriage/relationship. Period. The Bible didn't say wives submit yourselves to your own husbands only if he makes more money. It just said submit yourselves to your own husbands. Now, if he's a lazy joker who won't work, then if I were a woman I wouldn't submit to a joker like that at all. A joker like that isn't a man, he's just flat out a sorry individual.

[pinkies up]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Wow. A woman that wants a man to take the lead? Women usually jump down my throat for voicing my opinion on this. I think that's why the divorce rate is so high because men won't take the lead. That's Biblical. It's the man's job to take care of his wife. It's not her job to take care of him. Women aren't designed to take on the load. Women get frustrated and stressed when she feels she has to take on the load. I agree with you all the way. In a marriage a woman has the option if she wants to work or not. I know this sounds crazy but if she doesn't want to work, then the joker she's with needs to do what he's gotta do to make ends meet. Now, of course if she does want to work then that's always a blessing, but she doesn't have to. That's all I've ever seen my dad do, was lead the family. Sons are going to do what they see their fathers do. I was raised to lead. The problem is finding a woman who wants to be led. Today's women say "I can take care of myself. I don't need a man to take care of me." That's part of the problem. Any man that lets his woman lead him, in my book is one sorry poor excuse for a man.

The Bible says wives submit yourselves unto your own husbands. It also says submit yourselves to one another. That doesn't mean for the man to submit to her lead, it means he is to submit to her needs, and she will submit to his lead.

And it took me a loooong time to understand all of this. I was a single parent for a while before I met my husband. It was hard to transition from being totally in charge of my household to allowing my husband to be the head of the household. It took some work, (and we're still working on it daily), but it can be done.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by pinkies up

And it took me a loooong time to understand all of this. I was a single parent for a while before I met my husband. It was hard to transition from being totally in charge of my household to allowing my husband to be the head of the household. It took some work, (and we're still working on it daily), but it can be done.

Don't give up. Keep working at it. Through Christ it will all come together.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by pinkies up

And it took me a loooong time to understand all of this. I was a single parent for a while before I met my husband. It was hard to transition from being totally in charge of my household to allowing my husband to be the head of the household. It took some work, (and we're still working on it daily), but it can be done.

i am working on this as well...its hard to surrender that control when you have acted as male and female in your household. i think its also been a form of insurance for me, knowing that if this doesnt work out, i can do it myself. it ends up coming across wrong to him, not that i want to run things myself, but that i dont want HIM to have control.