Playas till the day we die...

[marquise1911]

Damn. As a man I almost feel wierd voicing my opposition to the current plight of the black family structure. Our society applauds men who say "I'm into having sex I ain't into making love". But there has got to be more. I was looking at the AKA thread on adoption and thought how many of those adoption dreams would never be realized as they are "waiting on a hubby". By the time this happens for some, those children would have had children of their own. My brothers... we need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!

[BlueReign]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

This felt like a glimpse into my future, as i am now back on da market with no aspirations of remarriage.

Originally Posted by marquise1911

My brothers... we need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!

Are you contradicting yourself? What was your reason for starting this thread? Cause you know it's gonna be a heated one!!

I've been married, lived with a man, and have been proposed to at least 3 times in my lifetime. I know what marriage is and what it aint. I remember being really mad when my father said to me once when I was just 18, that old something about the cow and the milk being free. Back then, I was like WTH? Oh what did he know? I have found through many a broken heart that those old-fashioned values hold true.

I listened to my pastor a few years ago saying something like most women only react to what they think the man wants. Many women DO NOT want to be promiscuous. fSome women have not had the proper upbringing or wisdom instilled in them from their parents. Yet, some of them have but what they hear everyday from their peers/music/movies, etc. makes them behave otherwise. If young women start carrying themselves like a prize and waiting for the man to take his proper place as a man ... well 357 Nupe said it best.

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by BlueReign

Are you contradicting yourself? What was your reason for starting this thread? Cause you know it's gonna be a heated one!!

No if you read carefully I am not contradicting myself. I simply stated that I was single again, with no aspirations of remarriage. That is the outcome of the last 5yrs of experience. I made the wise decision not to mess up anyone else's life, while working out my issues. I rather pour myself into my family and my education while I work things out. Will I get married again? Who nows. But that is not my focus in life and again not a present aspiration. Yet when I asked brothers to get it together, that is because we honestly need to. All of us have been hurt, but a lot of men use that as an excuse to whore and hurt women. Some men never give anyone the chance to hurt them. Women too have been hurt and because of that they make every man they date a "self fulfilling prophecy". The world is now filled with Bag Ladies and Icebox Men.

My reason for starting this thread was to simply state my observations. I have a chapter of 20 brothers and more friends/associates than I can count. HOW IN DA BLUE HELL CAN I NOT FIND A SINLGE ONE IN A POSITIVE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!

Something must me wrong.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Yet when I asked brothers to get it together, that is because we honestly need to. All of us have been hurt, but a lot of men use that as an excuse to whore and hurt women. [b]Some men never give anyone the chance to hurt them.[b] Women too have been hurt and because of that they make every man they date a "self fulfilling prophecy". The world is now filled with Bag Ladies and Icebox Men.

Interesting observation. I don't know your past relationships or if you have been married before, but it sounds like you were unsure of who you really were if you were actually married. That does not mean it is any of my beeswax, just an interesting observation.

I don't know any man that has been hurt so badly that they do not give a woman who might hurt him. I know men that have been hurt. I know women who have been hurt. But that chance to have love seems enough to override all past hurts and bitterness.

Anyone not over his or her past pain in love shows it in numerous ways. A true lover would be a healing one to assist getting past those hurts and pains. Normally, it is one who is experienced, mature and wise. Sometimes it comes from someone who has naivete. Either way, only an astute lover truly wishes the best out of his or her partner.

My reason for starting this thread was to simply state my observations. I have a chapter of 20 brothers and more friends/associates than I can count. HOW IN DA BLUE HELL CAN I NOT FIND A SINLGE ONE IN A POSITIVE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!

A positive long term relationship is difficult to do when neither party lives in denial about themselves. How can one be positive when they live in negativity. Parentless children, lack of positive relationships or marriages--what should a positive marriage exactly look like? So, these days, when the ONLY people fighting for the right to married are the LGBTQ community, how are we as African Americans going to really venture out requesting stability in relationships leading to marriage when over 70% of our children are reared in homes headed by a single parent?

I am NOT knocking folks reared in single parent homes. One cannot help the circumstances in which he or she were born. However, it is something that is just fine in OUR KIND of families...

It is okay to have unprotected sex and as a woman become impregnated by some man, but many women feel they aren't ready or worth it to be married to anyone...

Not to bash, but how come that is not the other way around?

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Interesting observation. I don't know your past relationships or if you have been married before, but it sounds like you were unsure of who you really were if you were actually married. That does not mean it is any of my beeswax, just an interesting observation.

Umm I don't know how clear I have to be...REMARRIAGE. I think that pretty much explains itself. As far as being "unsure or who" I really am, that is not the case. I just simply didn't know who I was married to even after 5 yrs. Quite frankly no one is ever certain.

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

I don't know any man that has been hurt so badly that they do not give a woman who might hurt him. I know men that have been hurt. I know women who have been hurt. But that chance to have love seems enough to override all past hurts and bitterness.

I would gladly hand you my cell phone and let you take a random dial. You would find quite a few. There are people who keep their relationships to such a bare minimum that there is no room for someone to hurt them. Hell if it wasn't so common Kelly Clarkson couldn't have a #1 single for 4 weeks based on it. Let's not pretend to be so in the dark about these things.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Umm I don't know how clear I have to be...REMARRIAGE. I think that pretty much explains itself. As far as being "unsure or who" I really am, that is not the case. I just simply didn't know who I was married to even after 5 yrs. Quite frankly no one is ever certain.

How does it explain itself? What does remarriage to YOU mean? It means to me that your prior marriage failed for whatever reasons and you are no longer married as defined by the state and the nation. You know the legal ramifications between marriage and divorce. But are we discussing marriage as one form of a "LOVING STABLE RELATIONSHIP" or are we discussing just relationships? Because I need a reference otherwise, I really do NOT understand where you are trying to go with your diatribe. I am interested in trying to relieve some people's pain.

I would gladly hand you my cell phone and let you take a random dial. You would find quite a few. There are people who keep their relationships to such a bare minimum that there is no room for someone to hurt them. Hell if it wasn't so common Kelly Clarkson couldn't have a #1 single for 4 weeks based on it. Let's not pretend to be so in the dark about these things.

A bunch of hurt people means there is a lack of internal love within themselves. If they failed to love themselves initially, they ALLOWED themselves to be in a hurtful and painful vicarious predicament. Relationships, married or not just don't END for no reason. Something gets exchanged, be it money, good times or bodily fluids. And some things are at least grunted and/or moaned at minimum in the kinds of relationships we are discussing. I think it is a cop out when people take their past hurts and pains and assess and project those onto new lovers. The new lover does not have a chance when the relationship starts. Now we are not talking about the pimps and playas and prostitutes. We are talking about people are seriously and actually DO want to be in a MEANINGFUL relationship.

Anyone who keeps a distance to minimize hurt and pain in a relationship is at best not allowing himself or herself to the actually vunerability of exposition to a fault for the re-actualization of true love.

The irony about TRUE LOVE is you cannot hide your faults and you must show them as badges of courage, experience and honor. You only go into love for the experience and enjoyment of the other person's presence in your life. Be it a friend for now, sometime or a lifetime. And in the end, you have a friend... A friend is someone you dare to be yourself with all your warts, blemishes, bruises and scars.

Now, I am not romanticizing this issue because I have been there, done that is the most horrible of abusive, physically, sexually and verbally relationships. So, I do not have any delusions of the degeneration of all relationships. However, I CHOSE to entertain FOULNESS in my life at that time. And now, all I can say is that I am blessed to be in the marriage that I am in even if it is temporary. Because as an attorney told me, "all marriages will end" either by choice or by death...

What can one do to guard his or her heart from relationship pain and distress?

I don't think one can...

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

How does it explain itself? What does remarriage to YOU mean? It means to me that your prior marriage failed for whatever reasons and you are no longer married as defined by the state and the nation...

Ummm that's not the definition of remarriage, sounds more like divorce. But yes in order for me to "remarry" I would have had to have a marriage which had previously ended. So your question as to if I had been married was silly...

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

A bunch of hurt people means there is a lack of internal love within themselves. If they failed to love themselves initially, they ALLOWED themselves to be in a hurtful and painful vicarious predicament. Relationships, married or not just don't END for no reason...

Ok. You must be a few steps short of reason to honestly believe that a person through a lack of self love invites pain. I would whole heartedly agree with you if you said they ACCEPT ill treatment because they lack self value. But the fact remains that no matter how much you love yourself, it will not stop your spouse from cheating. No matter how much you love yourself, ith will not stop your mate from diving head first into a bottle of whiskey. Self love is not the issue. What we are dealing with is the fact that the relationship and family structure of our people is on a speed boat to hell and some of us are enjoying the ride. That my friend is the real issue.

[NinjaPoodle]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

The irony about TRUE LOVE is you cannot hide your faults and you must show them as badges of courage, experience and honor. You only go into love for the experience and enjoyment of the other person's presence in your life. Be it a friend for now, sometime or a lifetime. And in the end, you have a friend... A friend is someone you dare to be yourself with all your warts, blemishes, bruises and scars.

Geeze, I wish you could have told my ex that...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

No if you read carefully I am not contradicting myself. I simply stated that I was single again, with no aspirations of remarriage. That is the outcome of the last 5yrs of experience. I made the wise decision not to mess up anyone else's life, while working out my issues. I rather pour myself into my family and my education while I work things out. Will I get married again? Who nows. But that is not my focus in life and again not a present aspiration. Yet when I asked brothers to get it together, that is because we honestly need to. All of us have been hurt, but a lot of men use that as an excuse to whore and hurt women. Some men never give anyone the chance to hurt them. Women too have been hurt and because of that they make every man they date a "self fulfilling prophecy". The world is now filled with Bag Ladies and Icebox Men.

My reason for starting this thread was to simply state my observations. I have a chapter of 20 brothers and more friends/associates than I can count. HOW IN DA BLUE HELL CAN I NOT FIND A SINLGE ONE IN A POSITIVE LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP!!!

Something must me wrong.

You and I are on the same page Nupe. The only thing is I've been played hard by women in my past, but I still won't hurt another woman just because I got messed over. At 1st I was done, but now I give relationships a try, but if I feel the woman isn't right, then I just move on, and I don't look back. But I feel you all the way.

[OneTimeSBX]

i think womens main problem is we LOOK for a man. dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with being proactive, but some of us have that "have to be in a relationship" attitude, as if we are less if we dont have a man...we all know who that girlfriend is. the one who is constantly looking before she gets herself straight first.

the best advice i ever got was to stop looking. take time to learn myself. enjoy my youth. practice my faith.

lo and behold, the man in my life moved in across the street from me and we've been together ever since.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i think womens main problem is we LOOK for a man. dont get me wrong, theres nothing wrong with being proactive, but some of us have that "have to be in a relationship" attitude, as if we are less if we dont have a man...we all know who that girlfriend is. the one who is constantly looking before she gets herself straight first.

the best advice i ever got was to stop looking. take time to learn myself. enjoy my youth. practice my faith.

lo and behold, the man in my life moved in across the street from me and we've been together ever since.

I agree. Get yourself right 1st but at the same time don't just settle for any joker, it's not worth it. You can be miserable by yourself.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I agree. Get yourself right 1st but at the same time don't just settle for any joker, it's not worth it. You can be miserable by yourself.

id rather be miserable alone...

ive been alone. its not fun/easy, but i learned so much about myself that it was worth every lonely night. besides, i was 21, 22, who needs a full relationship at that age?

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

You and I are on the same page Nupe. The only thing is I've been played hard by women in my past, but I still won't hurt another woman just because I got messed over. At 1st I was done, but now I give relationships a try, but if I feel the woman isn't right, then I just move on, and I don't look back. But I feel you all the way.

Frat I feel you. I've never been the type to take my pain out on someone else (now the guilty party is open game). I have been given the short end of the stick too many times. I was so done w/ dating/relationships at first also, but then I realized I still want children and stability and those are two things that I probably will only find in marriage. So I have to keep a eye open.

[OneTimeSBX]

Originally Posted by marquise1911

Frat I feel you. I've never been the type to take my pain out on someone else (now the guilty party is open game). I have been given the short end of the stick too many times. I was so done w/ dating/relationships at first also, but then I realized I still want children and stability and those are two things that I probably will only find in marriage. So I have to keep a eye open.

i think the best thing about you is the fact you have kept your options open...a lot of people try marriage, discover the person they are with has done some serious changing, and decided it just wasnt for them 100%. they dont give it a second chance. now, if a person keeps trying ( i have a good friend on wife #4...) and it doesnt work? they are the common factor and need to do some serious soulsearching! the first time you can chalk it up to youth/immaturity/growth, etc.

[marquise1911]

Originally Posted by OneTimeSBX

i have a good friend on wife #4...) and it doesnt work?

*Gets on knees and prays in panic*
I never wanna be that man. You know what they say "The common factor of all your failed relationships is you"