Hyphenated last names

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

You know it's funny, and a generational thing I know, but my mother hated being addressed as Mrs. HerFirstName Surname. Completely incorrect, she always said. She would say should either be Mrs. Husband'sFirstName Surname or simply HerFirstName Surname. In other words, she maintained taht if you use a first name with "Mrs.", it should be the husband's first name.

She finally got used to having people use Mrs. and her first name, but I don't think she ever got to where she liked it or thought it was proper.

Oh that is funny! I think that comes from a time where marriage was almost part of a status symbol- you take on part of that family's identity, and prove that you are good enough to get married. Well that's kind of the cynical boiled down version anyway. That's why it wouldn't have bothered me (as much) if it were from somewhere else... I know in the past that was just how it was, and what was expected. But we're not of those times anymore, and my school in particular sees a lot of marriages between graduates- so they're going to have to get with the times. I don't mind being a rabble-rouser if it brings us up to date.

I still pause a little when I hear "Mrs. MarriedName"... the Mrs. just seems weird. I mean, I know I'm married, I know that comes with the territory- but it seems so formal. I much prefer Ms. MarriedName or hey, we're in the 21st century, just call me Lily. No prefix required.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by 1stSoon2BePhD

Hmmm, so what did she use as a first name? My best friends mom stopped using her first name, moved her middle name to her first name, moved her maiden name to her middle name, and took her husbands last name.

Like I said above , this.

But if you asked her, she would say her first name is still "Mary" but that she doesn't use (or rarely uses) it anymore.

You know, on a slightly different tangent, this reminds me of the family plot in the cemetery. Going to back to my great-grandparents, all the footstones for the men/husbands say

FirstName MiddleName Surname.

The footstones for the women/wives all say

FirstName MiddleName MaidenName
Wife of FirstName MiddleName Surname

Originally Posted by thetygerlily

I still pause a little when I hear "Mrs. MarriedName"... the Mrs. just seems weird. I mean, I know I'm married, I know that comes with the territory- but it seems so formal. I much prefer Ms. MarriedName or hey, we're in the 21st century, just call me Lily. No prefix required.

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my background, but I don't like to be called "Mystic" by people I don't really know. It irks me no end for a random salesperson or someone similar to call me by my first name -- to me it smacks of trying to suggest a familiarity where there is none.

Yep, I've been known to have a salesperson say "HI, I'm Gregg, what's your name?", only to answer "Mr. Cat."

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my background, but I don't like to be called "Mystic" by people I don't really know. It irks me no end for a random salesperson or someone similar to call me by my first name -- to me it smacks of trying to suggest a familiarity where there is none.

Yep, I've been known to have a salesperson say "HI, I'm Gregg, what's your name?", only to answer "Mr. Cat."

^5

[GTAlphaPhi]

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.


Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

It's really no different than what has been said in most of the posts in this thread. They decided whether they want to legally keep their last names, hyphenate, or take one of the mate's last names. As for the latter, similar to opposite sex couples, same-sex couples often have a spouse who is considered the more dominant based on gender ideologies, power and status, or family background.

The "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition is dumb as far as I'm concerned.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.

Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

I don't think there's a standard. The same-sex couples I know made a hyphenated name out of both last names.

Ex: Suzie Jones and Jane Smith married and became Suzie and Jane Jones-Smith.

[ZTA72]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I don't think there's a standard. The same-sex couples I know made a hyphenated name out of both last names.

Ex: Suzie Jones and Jane Smith married and became Suzie and Jane Jones-Smith.

My same sex friends did that as well. They went to another state to become legally married and then returned home and went through the court system to change their names to a hypenated name of both last names. I didn't ask how they decided *the order* of the names.

[pinkyphimu]

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.


Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

Most of my gay and lesbian friends have kept their own names. One couple combined their names into something new. They both had very simple last names and they combined beautifully.

I kept my name when I got married. I don't care if you call me Mrs. HisName. If we ever have kids, they will take his last name, but we might give them my name as their middle names. My mom, on the other hand, is horrified. When my grandmother passed away, she included the grandchildrens' names. I read the paper and laugh out loud when I see....Pinky MaidenName-HisName. She said that she told the funeral director I have such a wonderful husband and that it is ridiculous that I didn't change my name.

We have friends who both changed their names to Karen MaidenName HisName and Tom HerMaidenName HisName. Her maiden name is both of their middle names now (and their kids too). When we sent our save the dates, hubby sent them to Mr. and Mrs. Tom HisName. Well, Karen got hubby's ear and chewed him up...don't you think I exist...aren't we friends...etc.etc. When it came time to send the invitations, hubby addressed it, Ms Karen HerName and Guest. LOL. He is such a smart a$$.

[aephi alum]

Whoof. So much I want to say here...

For me, hyphenation was not an option, simply because my husband's last name is alphabet soup all by itself. I chose to take his last name because it is distinctive (and also because my father is a jackass). However, I will bitch-slap anyone who calls me "Mrs. Hisfirstname Hislastname". I took his last name, not his first.

My mother, a retired doctor, did something similar to what ZTA72 described. When she got married, she changed her name legally to Mrs. Hislastname. Almost everything - driver's license, bank accounts, yadda yadda - is in her married name. The notable exception: She practiced as Dr. Hermaidenname. She had to double endorse all her paychecks because they were made out to Dr. Hermaidenname and her bank account said Mrs. Hislastname.

Back to the OP, if her friend's fiance is having a sh!tfit because she wants to hyphenate instead of just using his last name -- that couple needs to pause and consider before tying the knot.

[PhoenixAzul]

I am a hyphen. I didn't even intend on doing it until the day before the wedding. Then I got to thinking about my publications, the work I'm doing, and the norms in my field...and I decided hyphenation was pretty OK. Didn't tell my parents, didn't tell his parents...just told the priest and the friend who announced us at the wedding. My husband didn't care, but he didn't want to change, so it is just me, Phoenix Azul-Husband. I kept my middle name because I love it, and it is part of a nickname (TJ). It's really not that big of a deal, and really having part of my middle name has come in handy in a lot of situations. Being a hyphen is kinda fun, I just sort of alert people to the fact that it is hyphenated when I spell it for them. Although some people want to put husband's name first, and then mine, which changes our name to something that sounds extremely different, and a very common Jewish last name. I laugh. Husband has also gotten stuff to "Mr and Mrs Phoenix Azul-Husband".

He now knows what women go through all their lives.

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my background, but I don't like to be called "Mystic" by people I don't really know. It irks me no end for a random salesperson or someone similar to call me by my first name -- to me it smacks of trying to suggest a familiarity where there is none.

Yep, I've been known to have a salesperson say "HI, I'm Gregg, what's your name?", only to answer "Mr. Cat."

Maybe that goes back to my "youth", or to where I'm from... things do tend to be much more casual & laid back in the northwest. Just goes to show a blanket solution apparently doesn't work!

Perhaps we should start referring to you as Mr. Cat from now on? (j/k- but it would be funny to see that randomly show up in threads)

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by thetygerlily

Perhaps we should start referring to you as Mr. Cat from now on?

[carnation]

It's interesting how many Latin American countries do names.

The girl: Maria FathersLast Name MothersLastName.
Let's call her Maria Cruz Lopez.

The boy: Juan FathersLastName MothersLastName.
Let's call him Juan Ortiz Arellano.

They marry; she keeps her names but adds "de Arellano" to them. Now in these countries, if you can only use 1 last name for whatever reason, you use the first one (the dad's last name), so they'd be Maria Cruz and Juan Ortiz.

What happens here a lot, though, is that when a Latino kid who's just come to this country comes to school to register, the secretary thinks that "Arellano" is Juan's last name and that Ortiz is his middle name and he goes through all his years of school as Juan Arellano.

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by thetygerlily

Perhaps we should start referring to you as Mr. Cat from now on? (j/k- but it would be funny to see that randomly show up in threads)

Since he's Southern, we just make it initials.. MC. <duck>