Are your dating standards too high or too low?

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

This is fine, for whatever that's worth - it's just that many many people who say this (and believe it) really aren't doing it for the right reasons; it's a defense mechanism, and part of the mechanism is buying into it wholeheartedly. So it's a fine edge to walk, but it's certainly possible.

Here's the thing with ridiculously high standards: do you use them as a "threshold" or as a measuring stick?

That is, it's clear most people don't meet the high standards in this thread - do they not meet these standards:

1. Right off the bat - that is, they are disqualified by some quality before you even start
2. After some time, experience or "getting to know you" period (like, after a few dates or interactions)?

The first is a threshold, and is generally a poor strategy - after all, we are all way worse at "reading people" or judging than we think. We overestimate our own abilities.

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."


That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

You know that's a funny thing dealing with looks...they can chnage over time but at the same time we all tend to stick some 'non negotiables' out on the table...see the Aiming High thread for instance....

We all know what we like physically it's just that we know we would like for the mental to match the physical.

Doesn't help if she is fine but dumb like a box of rocks or have some really nasty habits.

I remember there was a young lady I dated (hehehe and when you are done, it's a wonder that one could still consider her a lady) who had a really bad belching habit...not burp.....BELCH...like a 300 pounder just drank a keg belch....well we went out to dinner once with some of my friends, let one out....and that was the last time I dealt with her....and some of my friends stil won't let me live that down... LOL

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."

This should offend your sensibilities because you're allergic to idiots. Idiots should be avoided at all costs, REGARDLESS of anything else.

So it's good that you never told him you liked him because it's not a good idea to have idiot friends, in the first place, let alone try to date or marry one. However, you should've told him that he's an idiot and that you're considering no longer acknowledging his existence.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

What I said about the stilettos was that I don't find them attractive. You're right, it's wrong to judge anyone with the way he/she may dress, and when I 1st signed on to greekchat that was my thinking, but after chatting some of the members, I've come to realize that it's dead wrong to prejudge anyone based on their attire. Now, with that said, no I don't prejudge based on attire, but stilettos along with anklets, weaves, fake nails, fake contacts (hazel color, brown, blue, green, or whatever color it doesn't make me a difference one way or the other), fake eyelashes or anything else that's fake is a turn off to me. Fashionable or not. Does it make the woman a bad person? No it doesn't. It simply means I find it unattractive. We all have a preference with who or what we're attracted to, that just happens to be mine.

About the joker who said he wouldn't marry a black woman is shallow and ignorant. To me, a woman is a woman, I don't care about the race. As long as I'm physically attracted to her, and she respects herself and me.