Loved Ones Agianst Sororities :(

RareTreasure · #1 09-14-2008, 01:20 PM

What do you recommend that a person does when the one person you have bonded with for 5 years says "If you join a sorority I cant be with you"?? I've asked this questions to many, and I will tell you what they have said, and what I already know how to answer them.

I know he is afraid of me dedicating my self for a lifetime to anything other than him, he has already lost someone else in the past to something he told them wasn't going to work out, tried it any way, then it didn't work out.
I tell him constantly it will work, but he just "Knows" that me joining a sorority will cause problems in our relationship. People say......."If he loves you, he will stick by you and hold you down," but as much as he is a dedicated, loyal person, the sorority is where he draws the line. He feels that if I do become a member of a sorority, I will not be the down to earth person I am because most people change. He feels that a sorority is not a necessity, its a want....so why cant I sacrifice a want for him. I don't see it that way.
What do I do? I have been researching the Sorority since I was a senior in High School, and not I am a senior in college.....I want to do it, but I cant loose the one person that's been there for me 100% of the time. I cant count on any one but him for anything...and I may loose that. Would I be being selfish it I did it? Would I be stupid because he is a very good person to me? I've tried to talk him out of it, but it never works. I've cried, and talked and he doesn't care about any of it. He just doesn't want me to do it and he feels that it shouldn't be a hard thing to sacrifice because I'm living fine without it now.

Senusret I · #2 09-14-2008, 01:22 PM

First, you may want to edit out the name of the sorority, but I do think the fact that it's an NPHC sorority is germane to the conversation.

Dude is obviously not being there for you 100 percent of the time if he's not with you for this.

icelandelf · #3 09-14-2008, 01:23 PM

You ask yourself seriously if this is a person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. Ask yourself how he "knows" that you joining a sorority will cause problems. Ask for proof, not just that 'he knows it.'

RareTreasure · #4 09-14-2008, 01:25 PM

I have a friend that is a member, and he said it caused some problems that he would not have normally had, but Ive tried to tell him....that does not mean that every one will. But, nothing I say will work with him that I have though of.

RareTreasure · #5 09-14-2008, 01:32 PM

Thats what I tell him. I told him that there is no exception to what I would do for him. I would go through the unthinkable for something I am dedicated to, but i think he has a fear of loosing me to it. I just want to be able to prove him wrong without loosing him.

lovespink88 · #6 09-14-2008, 01:43 PM

No offense but he sounds like he is being a bit selfish. This is clearly something that you really want to do because you've had such serious discussions with him about it. And, I mean, you've also been researching it since high school, so it's been on your mind for a while. If he really cares for you he would understand that this is something you really want, and should support you. Just because he doesn't like it doesn't mean he is going to get his way about it. This is ultimately YOUR decision, and I really think you should follow your heart. I know you're scared about upsetting him, but if you relationship with him is meant to be, you will get through this. If he's really going to be so stubborn about it, I really suggest you re-evaluate your relationship. Please, don't let a guy, who you might not be involved with in the future, stop you from doing something now. If you're not together down the road, you're going to have to deal with "what-if" for the rest of your life.

RareTreasure · #7 09-14-2008, 01:49 PM

I have thought of it that way too. What if 10 years from now im looking back saying "I wish i would have," and he's no longer around. And its funny that you say STUBBORN, because he is very baddly. Thats why i keep bringing it up to him. Thinking that one day he will open up to it, but time is ticking!

KappaKittyCat · #8 09-14-2008, 02:07 PM

This guy sound like bad news. If someone tries to control who you associate with and what you do, then there's something wrong. You're a senior in college. You've got lots of life changes coming up: new job, new place to live, getting used to real life outside of college. If your boyfriend is going to leave you over your joining a group he doesn't like, then what happens if you take a job with a company he doesn't like or move to a city he doesn't like? My point is that if he'll flip and leave you over something like this, then he'll probably flip and leave you over something else. And who will be there for you then? If you've joined a sorority, then you'll have sisters to back you up.

RareTreasure · #9 09-14-2008, 02:15 PM

That sounds sooo good. I know i cant live my life based on what a man wants me to do...its just soo hard to gather the balls to say "What the heck....either your going to be here or your not." But im not that mean of a person....but i need to do what i want to do. I dont know. I somethimes think if I do do it, and he does leave me, if I actually do make it....he will dogg me out. But thats childish. He's grown, so i hope he wouldnt stoop to that level.

WhiteDaisy128 · #10 09-14-2008, 02:44 PM

My (now) darling husband, Chris, said to me at one point in our relationship, "I do not date sorority girls." At the time, we had been dating for 2 years. I was devastated. However, my mom was going through a battle with cancer and it meant so much to me to become her "sister" when DG was colonizing at my school.

I finally told Chris that if our relationship is going to last then he does not have to support everything I do, but he must believe in my ability to make sound decisions and he must support ME. I went through the recruitment process, got a bid, and became a "sorority girl." He then saw how supportive my sister were for me (with my mom's cancer battle). He also saw that I suddenly did not become a different person. I (still) didn't drink, smoke, party, etc.

He still does not LOVE the idea of me being in a sorority, but he loves me. And I secretly think he didn't mind so much many of the events he came to in order to support me. He ended up marrying me. We are now expecting our first child. We find out the gender Oct. 6th...but both think it's a girl. He's already said he does not want to "encourage" sorority life...but he knows that I will not abandon DG as an alumna (I'm still very involved at an international level). We'll see in 18 years where life brings us!

RareTreasure · #11 09-14-2008, 02:47 PM

I think that is so sweet! My boyfriend also said that he doesn't want to raise our child thinking that getting into a sorority/fraternity is something that they have to do. I just say we cross that bridge when it gets here! But I think the difference in your husband and my boyfriend is that my boyfriend said he "will not" be with a girl in a sorority, your husband said he "doesn't want to." Did you initially tell him you were going to do it any way? And how did he react when you did?

SWTXBelle · #12 09-14-2008, 03:52 PM

I realize that all I have to go on is what you have posted but - his behavior does not sound like that of a secure, mature man with your best interests at heart.

It would really be a deal breaker for him if you joined a sorority? Think about that for a minute. Everything you say he sees in you he would throw over if you joined an organization. Were the organization Hitler Youth, the Council to Dropkick Puppies or the KKK - I'd understand. But a sorority? Really?

And it sounds like he has isolated you from other possible friends and support people - that is actually an abusive behavior. 5 years is a long time - especially to still just be a boyfriend. Is he in this for the long haul, come what may, or just as long as it easy for him? He says it will create "problems" - if so, it must be because HE will make it a problem.

Think long and hard about whether or not this guy really loves YOU and wants what is best for YOU - or if he wants what is easiest for him.

RareTreasure · #13 09-14-2008, 04:22 PM

I think it will make it easy for him if I'm not in one. I love him to death but I have 3 part-time jobs and I go to school, he is equal to a 4th job. He doesn't want me to seek support any where else. He wants to be everything. He wants to talk to me about everything, be my best friend and everything, but he isn't being realistic because he can not be a human and be everything a person needs. When I'm sad about my family and lonely without friends, he wans me to not be sad because i have him. I just wish he was the type of boyfriend that would do whatever to make me happy, but if it is not what he thinks is right......he is totally against it. I feel as if I should be an exception to what he normally does. I think i should be the one that he does stuff for that he never ever would have done, but his head is too big for that.

Munchkin03 · #14 09-14-2008, 04:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RareTreasure

I dont know. I somethimes think if I do do it, and he does leave me, if I actually do make it....he will dogg me out. But thats childish. He's grown, so i hope he wouldnt stoop to that level.

He's totally childish. He wants you all to himself, which is at best just possessive, and at worst completely abusive. If you've been together for 5 years without a symbol of a larger commitment on his part, then you have your answer as to where he sees the two of you. Do you honestly, honestly, believe that he's the One?

I started dating my ex-boyfriend during my pledge process. He was (and is still) pretty anti-Greek. If you listen to him, the social ills of the world were all brought forth by fraternity and sorority members. But, since he loved me, and supported me in whatever I did, he expressed his concerns about elitism, substance abuse, etc., and didn't threaten to break up with me for something as trivial as joining a sorority. We ended up breaking up years later, for reasons completely unrelated to Greek Life.

ETA: I just read your most recent post. He sounds terribly needy.

#15 09-14-2008, 04:26 PM

Just saying "it will work out" or "everything will be fine" probably isn't enough for him. Find out his real concerns and make a plan to help combate those. Like, if he thinks you wont spend any time with him, and you will choose the sorority over him you should make a plan that maybe every wednesday night is date night and no matter what is happening with the sorority you will spend that night with him. If he is afraid you will change because of the sorority make a plan that you will give it a try and one month from joining you will have a serious talk about what if anything has changed and together you can reevaluate your joining.

When I was a freshmen, I had a boyfriend who was very against me joining a sorority, so I didn't. But we broke up, I joined my sophomore year and now I'm the chapter's president.