What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?

[PrettyBoy]

Let's say you were on a 1st date with someone and everything is going great. The conversation is good, and you're physically attracted to this person. During the conversation what would raise a yellow flag, and what would raise the red flag for you to say: "Oh hell no! There will not be a 2nd date!"

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Let's say you were on a 1st date with someone and everything is going great. The conversation is good, and you're physically attracted to this person. During the conversation what would raise a yellow flag, and what would raise the red flag for you to say: "Oh hell no! There will not be a 2nd date!"

When I dated, my friends and I called them "strikes" (like in baseball). There would be "3 strike violations" and "1 strike violations".

The 1 strike violation would be to ask me to go somewhere on an alleged date that was unsafe, namely the beach in the middle of night. Since I lived in Southern California, there are only a few things that dates can do at the beach at night... None them altruistic and honorable... And I was not into that.

But flags are realitively easy to spot wen you know what you will tolerate for yourself. Everyone will "use" you, it is your duty whether you choose to be "misused"...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

When I dated, my friends and I called them "strikes" (like in baseball). There would be "3 strike violations" and "1 strike violations".

The 1 strike violation would be to ask me to go somewhere on an alleged date that was unsafe, namely the beach in the middle of night. Since I lived in Southern California, there are only a few things that dates can do at the beach at night... None them altruistic and honorable... And I was not into that.

But flags are realitively easy to spot wen you know what you will tolerate for yourself. Everyone will "use" you, it is your duty whether you choose to be "misused"...

I look for yellow and red flags right off the bat. I usually will call 1st to hear how she talks. If she's ghetto, that is an automatic red flag. Before I even see her, I've determined that there will only be one date. If she talks rather articulate but uses some slang, that's cool, but it depends on the slang. When I meet up with her, I look at her finger nails. If they're long and fake, that's an immeditate red flag. No 2nd date. If she has on tight revealing clothing. Immediate red flag. If she looks great, then I go into conversation. If she can't talk about current world issues, and has no sense of humor, that's a yellow flag. I'll just be a little cautious. Generally I like to meet at a bookstore, so I can see what she's reading when I walk in. That also determines red and yellow flags. The big thing for me is family. I'll ask about her family before I ask about anything else. If her family background is not similar to mine, there won't be a 2nd date. In fact there won't even be a phone call. That family background is 1st priority for me.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I look for yellow and red flags right off the bat. I usually will call 1st to hear how she talks. If she's ghetto, that is an automatic red flag. Before I even see her, I've determined that there will only be one date. If she talks rather articulate but uses some slang, that's cool, but it depends on the slang. When I meet up with her, I look at her finger nails. If they're long and fake, that's an immeditate red flag. No 2nd date. If she has on tight revealing clothing. Immediate red flag. If she looks great, then I go into conversation. If she can't talk about current world issues, and has no sense of humor, that's a yellow flag. I'll just be a little cautious. Generally I like to meet at a bookstore, so I can see what she's reading when I walk in. That also determines red and yellow flags. The big thing for me is family. I'll ask about her family before I ask about anything else. If her family background is not similar to mine, there won't be a 2nd date. In fact there won't even be a phone call. That family background is 1st priority for me.

So if you dislike fake nails, would you date a "nail biter" with little mushroom knubs for fingers?

About familial background--what kind of family "future" do you envision for yourself?

[_Opi_]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

That family background is 1st priority for me.

No offense, but shouldn't your main priority be on her. You're not really dating her family, you're dating her. I know you got burned in the last relationship (saw your post on the other thread) but it's not healthy to carry baggage from another relationship on to this one. Obviously, you should fit in with the family, no doubt..but at the end of the day, you're building a relationship with "her".


A red flag for me would be someone who is judgmental, especially when it comes to women. He wasn't judging me, but other females. We have common friends, and he described one of them to have gained so much "weight". Red flag was up. It was unfortunate that this was a habitual thing for him. That was such a major turn off. He was a nice guy, but no second date, of course.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So if you dislike fake nails, would you date a "nail biter" with little mushroom knubs for fingers?

About familial background--what kind of family "future" do you envision for yourself?

As crazy as this may sound, I actually like a nail biter . Women like that are so real to me. If she doesn't bite her nails that's cool, it doesn't really matter as long as they're not fake.

As far as family is concerned I just want the family backgrounds to be similar. No, they don't have to be exactly alike, but if they're similar then I think we would have more in common. All the women I've been in serious relationships with have had opposite family backgrounds from mine, and the relationships never worked.

[winnieb]

A red flag for me is when he constantly bad mouths the women from previous relationships. We have all had bad relationships but there is no need to go on and on about what a bitch she was.
In my mind, it is just a matter of time before he is bad mouthing me.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

As far as family is concerned I just want the family backgrounds to be similar. No, they don't have to be exactly alike, but if they're similar then I think we would have more in common. All the women I've been in serious relationships with have had opposite family backgrounds from mine, and the relationships never worked.

Okey, so GC folks are ready to fight with you. You could decide to explain if you'd like...

Some GC folks will agree with you, the "equally yoked" thing again... It matters what is important to you.

The deal is that you have been going after women outside of your desired familial background conditions... Meaning that you have a recruitment problem...

If you think you desire a woman with similar familial heritage as you, you need to go places where these women are... And church is just only ONE viable option... Women who care about family are usually the one's who put the entire Christmas Pageant together and are young... Or they work for campaign headquarters... Or the all of next year's health walks are coming up, they should be on the planning committees--especially for the Komen Race for the Cure in your city... Some powerhouse sistahs are namely school teachers for all levels... And if they are really involved with their craft they will be in graduate school or finish grad school...

There are only ~50 powerhouse sistahs that live in any average sized city... Only NYC or LA or Chicago or Atlanta or DC would have more... So you odds of actually meeting homegirl who is doing the kinds of things in her life and having a desirable familial background is extremely rare...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by _Opi_

No offense, but shouldn't your main priority be on her. You're not really dating her family, you're dating her. I know you got burned in the last relationship (saw your post on the other thread) but it's not healthy to carry baggage from another relationship on to this one. Obviously, you should fit in with the family, no doubt..but at the end of the day, you're building a relationship with "her".


A red flag for me would be someone who is judgmental, especially when it comes to women. He wasn't judging me, but other females. We have common friends, and he described one of them to have gained so much "weight". Red flag was up. It was unfortunate that this was a habitual thing for him. That was such a major turn off. He was a nice guy, but no second date, of course.

Yes my main priority is her, but if her family is not like mine, it's not going to work. Yes I did get burned, but I don't carry over what happend in my past to current relationships. I look at that as a learning experience. Family is important. Here's an example. In my last realtionship, her family was totally the opposite of mine. She came from an abusive home, and her mother had been married several times. Not her fault and no offense to those who come from backgrounds like this, but anyway we went to one of her family members wedding and I was sitting in this van with her sister's husband and his friend, after a while they started smoking weed. That's not me. Nothing against weed smokers, but I don't like it. She's not a weed smoker, according to what she told me. A lot of things started to come out the longer we were together though. There were so many things I wasn't used to based on the way I was raised. I hated being around her ghetto family. This is one of the things that caused problems in our relationship. Back then I was only looking at her and not her background. Now I look at background. The way I was raised was nothing like her background. Opi I have to disagree with you when it comes to dating and what I think is important. You make some valid points though.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by winnieb

A red flag for me is when he constantly bad mouths the women from previous relationships. We have all had bad relationships but there is no need to go on and on about what a bitch she was.
In my mind, it is just a matter of time before he is bad mouthing me.

I agree. I don't like it when women do that either.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Okey, so GC folks are ready to fight with you. You could decide to explain if you'd like...

Some GC folks will agree with you, the "equally yoked" thing again... It matters what is important to you.

The deal is that you have been going after women outside of your desired familial background conditions... Meaning that you have a recruitment problem...

If you think you desire a woman with similar familial heritage as you, you need to go places where these women are... And church is just only ONE viable option... Women who care about family are usually the one's who put the entire Christmas Pageant together and are young... Or they work for campaign headquarters... Or the all of next year's health walks are coming up, they should be on the planning committees--especially for the Komen Race for the Cure in your city... Some powerhouse sistahs are namely school teachers for all levels... And if they are really involved with their craft they will be in graduate school or finish grad school...

There are only ~50 powerhouse sistahs that live in any average sized city... Only NYC or LA or Chicago or Atlanta or DC would have more... So you odds of actually meeting homegirl who is doing the kinds of things in her life and having a desirable familial background is extremely rare...

I HAD a recruiting problem, but not anymore. Nobody is perfect, but if those women are rare then I'll stay single. I'm not going to settle. Plus I'm open to all women of all races. I used to focus my attention only on black women, but now I focus on who treats me the way I treat them and family background.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

Yes my main priority is her, but if her family is not like mine, it's not going to work. Yes I did get burned, but I don't carry over what happend in my past to current relationships. I look at that as a learning experience. Family is important. Here's an example. In my last realtionship, her family was totally the opposite of mine. She came from an abusive home, and her mother had been married several times. Not her fault and no offense to those who come from backgrounds like this, but anyway we went to one of her family members wedding and I was sitting in this van with her sister's husband and his friend, after a while they started smoking weed. That's not me. Nothing against weed smokers, but I don't like it. She's not a weed smoker, according to what she told me. A lot of things started to come out the longer we were together though. There were so many things I wasn't used to based on the way I was raised. I hated being around her ghetto family. This is one of the things that caused problems in our relationship. Back then I was only looking at her and not her background. Now I look at background. The way I was raised was nothing like her background. Opi I have to disagree with you when it comes to dating and what I think is important. You make some valid points though.

Dude, aside me from saying "I told you so" and "you were only looking at ass"... You can never make a "ho into a housewife"...

You discounted sistahs who you thought were "nerds" and "goofay". They didn't wear the cutest or revealing clothes. You chose ass and booty shaking over brains and beauty... Put it more bluntly, you chose a "Mary Magdelene" rather than the "Heavenly Sarah"... Dealing with a "Magdelene" and having her come to see the "light" is very different than loving a "Heavenly Sarah".

You chose to come under a legally binding "holy matrimonial" with a woman who failed to respect or understand the meaning of being with another human being. You disrespected yourself and your own family.

Really, rather than assessing the young lady's familial background, you need to start to love and respect yourself enough to include a woman who respects and loves you and your familial background...

It's that "let no one put asunder" and that "leaving and cleaving unto your mate".

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Dude, aside me from saying "I told you so" and "you were only looking at ass"... You can never make a "ho into a housewife"...

You discounted sistahs who you thought were "nerds" and "goofay". They didn't wear the cutest or revealing clothes. You chose ass and booty shaking over brains and beauty... Put it more bluntly, you chose a "Mary Magdelene" rather than the "Heavenly Sarah"... Dealing with a "Magdelene" and having her come to see the "light" is very different than loving a "Heavenly Sarah".

You chose to come under a legally binding "holy matrimonial" with a woman who failed to respect or understand the meaning of being with another human being. You disrespected yourself and your own family.

Really, rather than assessing the young lady's familial background, you need to start to love and respect yourself enough to include a woman who respects and loves you and your familial background...

It's that "let no one put asunder" and that "leaving and cleaving unto your mate".

No, that's not true. If I just wanted ass, I could have gotten plenty of that daily from several women. Not trying to be arrogant, but it's true. I've only been in two serious relationships. I've always been the commited type. I've never slept around, I could have, but I didn't. So it's definitly not about someones ass. I've never turned any women away, but I'm not going to be with someone I'm not physically attracted to. As far as respecting myself. I do, that's why I refuse to date just anyone, and as you said I don't just look for ass and some woman shaking her ass. That's a turn off for me. As far as family respect, I never disrespect my family either. Never have and never will. As far as nerds and goofy ladies. Nothing wrong with that. I think those women are very interesting, in fact I prefer women like that, but if I'm not physically attracted to her, then we can just be friends. You have your opinion based on what I wrote, and that's cool, but I'm not changing mine.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

No, that's not true. If I just wanted ass, I could have gotten plenty of that daily from several women. Not trying to be arrogant, but it's true. I've only been in two serious relationships. I've always been the commited type. I've never slept around, I could have, but I didn't. So it's definitly not about someones ass. I've never turned any women away, but I'm not going to be with someone I'm not physically attracted to. As far as repsecting myself. I do, that's why I refuse to date just anyone, and as you said I don't just look for ass and some woman shaking her ass. That's a turn off for me. As far as family respect, I never disrespect my family either. Never have and never will. As far as nerds and goofy ladies. Nothing wrong with that. I think those women are very interesting, in fact I prefer women like that, but if I'm not physically attracted to her, then we can just be friends. You have your opinion based on what I wrote, and that's cool, but I'm not changing mine.

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

To whom the gods wish to destroy, they must first make them angry...

Your past's familial relationship is not your responsibility to assess... Do you also see that she failed to leave her family for yours? Meaning you two together...

Judging a woman based on similar familial background is like judging a book by its cover... And I bet you thought you could change her "sorcerous ways"... Any woman, no matter what her ethnic heritage, ought to stand for something in her life. Or she will fall for anything...

It seems that you want a woman to make-up for those lost pieces that you lack... No woman can fulfill those things you desire...

You are going to fail in your quest because you seek something outside of yourself to satisfy a perceived longing. Because you were devestatingly hurt in the past, every woman you come into contact has to step up. And even if you actually do find and are successful in finding that woman, she still will not live in fulfilment of you...

That is what's sad...

And no, I am not in best end all, be all relationship. I settled. But as I told you, my husband was there for me when I was at my lowest... We work at our relationship even though both of our own folks jacked up theirs... But we knew that going in we'd have work to do on own selves and each other... Those are the sacrifices we vowed to each other.

I don't care about "expanding your horizons" by pursuing women from other ethnic groups. But dude, you have issues you have no right to include women that are totally oblivious and unfamiliar with your own heritage.

Like I have to do, "physician, heal thyself"...

The women I've dated in the past, I never tried to change. They pretty much told me the things I wanted to hear. I dated the representative and not the real person. My X told me that if she had been truthful to me from the start I wouldn't have been with her, so she felt she had to lie. That whole relationship was built on lies. I'm not perfect, I lack some things, but I have nothing to hide. You're absolutely right, no woman can fill all my desires, just like I can't fulfill all of hers, but there are somethings I won't settle for. My X was cool, we just drifted apart.

AKA_Monet you're one of the more intelligent GCers on here, but I can't agree with you when you say that getting serious with a woman based on family background is wrong. We'll have to agree to disagree on that. As far as my quest for a relationship, I'm not looking. Who knows I may run in to her, I may not. I may not be able to get everything I would like, but one thing I can say is that I'm not going to settle. If you settled, that's cool, and I hope your marriage continues to prosper, I hope I don't end up with someone who just settles for me. I hope I'm the one she really wants to be with. I'm not just pursuing women from other ethnic groups, I'm just saying if the right woman comes along, it doesn't matter what race she is, as long as we have a lot in common, respect and enjoy each other. As far as every woman I come into contact with just has to be herself. She doesn't have to tell me what I want to hear. I'll be the one to determine if I think she's compatible with me. The women I dated in the past when I was young, is in the past. I'm older now, and if I could do it all over again I would, because it was a good learning experience.