Disappointed mom

[Elephant Walk]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Do people in the South not leave their respective hometowns/states after college? I would think that they do. Wouldn't that change things if the place you move to doesn't consider XYZ to be 'top tier." Or is the social scale of your hometown the only one that matters? Yes, these are serious questions.

It's a very interesting question, and I would say yes...

For example, here at Arkansas, Phi Delt has alot of Highland Park kids. Kids in high demand for sure. Phi Delt's is one of the better fraternities, but isn't SAE/SX/KE. I would argue that part of the reason that Phi Delt pulls so many high quality kids from HP is because Phi Delt is so very strong SMU. With this, SAE/Phi Gam/Phi Delt do well in rush from Texas because of the strength of those names at Texas schools.

Very few of my people from my hometown high school left the state for school. It's unfortunate, but it's true. (to your first question)

Furthermore, if you do go out of state then your social standing doesn't really matter...you know? You're sort of that lost child. But if you stay in state, you could climb socially.

I understand where she's coming from. She feels like she raised an upstanding woman...if her daughter didn't make it into a top-tiered sorority, she feels like she failed raising her properly. It comes back on the mom. It's like raising a serial killer, you feel like you failed as parents. Sorority rush is the litmus test of proper raising. I sympathize with the situation.

[APhiAnna]

Originally Posted by Elephant Walk

It's like raising a serial killer, you feel like you failed as parents. Sorority rush is the litmus test of proper raising. I sympathize with the situation.

I'm actually not going to doubt that people believe this, but in this case the mom already failed. If she couldn't produce that top-tier Southern Belle in 18 years then how is she going to produce such an outstanding Southern Belle in 1 year that will beat the sophomore stigma into a top tier house?

If, "bless her heart", this poor girl is doomed already to a miserable post-grad social life because she didn't get into the right sorority then at least let the girl have fun in the chapter that did want her. Everybody will already know where she pledged anyways even if she drops.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Elephant Walk

Very few of my people from my hometown high school left the state for school. It's unfortunate, but it's true. (to your first question)

Furthermore, if you do go out of state then your social standing doesn't really matter...you know? You're sort of that lost child. But if you stay in state, you could climb socially.

Thanks for the insight. I guess it's one of those regional things. Most of the people I know from college seriously couldn't wait to leave here for a larger metro area (Chicago/NYC/etc).

Originally Posted by Elephant Walk

I understand where she's coming from. She feels like she raised an upstanding woman...if her daughter didn't make it into a top-tiered sorority, she feels like she failed raising her properly. It comes back on the mom. It's like raising a serial killer, you feel like you failed as parents. Sorority rush is the litmus test of proper raising.

Wow. Another serious question: So whether you've failed as a parent is determined solely based on recruitment?

Lets say that Daughter joins a "lower tier" chapter in college, however she ends up going to a top law school and ends up working for one of the top law firms in NYC (or something equally lucrative). Does a mother STILL feel she failed at raising her? If so, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

I have a really hard time wrapping my mind around the whole sorority = LIFE concept, and the fact that women in some areas of the South base their entire lives on the sorority they join in college.

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by Elephant Walk

But if you stay in state, you could climb socially.

I understand where she's coming from. She feels like she raised an upstanding woman...if her daughter didn't make it into a top-tiered sorority, she feels like she failed raising her properly. It comes back on the mom. It's like raising a serial killer, you feel like you failed as parents. Sorority rush is the litmus test of proper raising. I sympathize with the situation.

[awkward1]

Originally Posted by Elephant Walk

Furthermore, if you do go out of state then your social standing doesn't really matter...you know? You're sort of that lost child. But if you stay in state, you could climb socially.

I understand where she's coming from. She feels like she raised an upstanding woman...if her daughter didn't make it into a top-tiered sorority, she feels like she failed raising her properly. It comes back on the mom. It's like raising a serial killer, you feel like you failed as parents. Sorority rush is the litmus test of proper raising. I sympathize with the situation.

What the Hell?? I live in the south and have two children in SEC schools who are Greek and I have never encountered this type of social pressure!!!! Going Greek is not the end all be all here in the south that some people are making it out to be. Plenty of kids from prominent families don't even go Greek and it isn't an issue at all. Sorority rush is not a 'litmus test for proper raising' and being in a top sorority does not mean you were raised to be an upstanding young woman and most Southerners are well aware of this. I wouldn't be surprised if the OP was a sock puppet and the master was EW.

[APhiAnna]

I actually can completely see where the Southern people are coming from...it's just a different culture. Even where I grew up in Southern California it was a HUGE thing to say that your daughter pledged XYZ at USC.

I think her happiness should be the most important thing though. If she isn't capable of getting into XYZ at a campus where it is top tier, would it really be worse off being a GDI? Or having people know that was the chapter you were placed in even though you deactivated? If she is having fun and enjoying it then maybe to her the friendships gained mean more than social reputation.

If she isn't the Southern Belle who is going to marry the 6'3" wealthy Plantation Heir who's descended from Confederate generals anyways then who gives a shit? It sounds like her personality and interests doesn't mesh well with the "top tier, born and raised Southern sorority girls" anyways (and that's not a bad thing, although I'm not knocking those girls either) so that's probably not what she's aiming for. Let the girl do her own damn thing. She's clearly not going to be the girl you want her to be for your own reputation, so let her have fun. It sounds like she is.

If you were truly that important in the social scene anyways it seems like she would have gotten into the chapter you wanted her in. So maybe it is time for both women to look in the mirror and chase happiness, not social pipe-dreams.

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by APhiAnna

It sounds like her personality and interests doesn't mesh well with the "top tier, born and raised Southern sorority girls" anyways (and that's not a bad thing, although I'm not knocking those girls either) so that's probably not what she's aiming for. Let the girl do her own damn thing. She's clearly not going to be the girl you want her to be for your own reputation, so let her have fun. It sounds like she is.

If you were truly that important in the social scene anyways it seems like she would have gotten into the chapter you wanted her in. So maybe it is time for both women to look in the mirror and chase happiness, not social pipe-dreams.

Agreed. I feel like there is some "social climbing" in effect here on mom's part.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by sail100

I have seen their social calendar and it is really lacking. They have few activites, and they basically don't have any mixers. Greek life is big at her campus, and most sorority calendars are packed with many social activities.

Maybe your daughter's a big old LEZZZZZZBIAN and has zero interest in going to fraternity mixers!!

Welcome to GC

[NutBrnHair]

I recall hearing a friend of mine from Mississippi say:

"My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and married doctors."

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by NutBrnHair

I recall hearing a friend of mine from Mississippi say:

"My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and married doctors."

I think I would have been much more impressed if the friend had said "My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and BECAME doctors"

[NutBrnHair]

Originally Posted by ForeverRoses

I think I would have been much more impressed if the friend had said "My daughters both pledged Chi Omega, made their debut and BECAME doctors"

I agree! Good one, ForeverRoses!

[KappaKittyCat]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Maybe your daughter's a big old LEZZZZZZBIAN and has zero interest in going to fraternity mixers!!

Hey, I was in the "lesbian chapter," and we had lots of fun. It was just fun that most others didn't understand.

[gee_ess]

One point that should be made regarding the OP is that parents, in general, want their children to achieve. And achievement is based on our definition of the word. We want our children to walk, talk in complete sentences at the earliest possible time, potty train with minimal problems, get good grades, make good friends(the right friends), choose a good major, marry a good person, etc. And all of those achievements can be very subjective - just what makes a good person? a good major? etc.

Anyone who has raised children will tell you that this is true - in varying degrees. What most parents come to realize eventually is that finding out what constitutes "good" for your child may differ from another child (even in your own family). Coming to terms with who your child is and what makes them thrive,succeed, satisfied happens to parents at different times.

It sounds to me like the OP has not really come to terms with who her daughter is and what actually makes her happy, but it may be happening now as the daughter insists that she is happy with her choice.

Add to that the Southern factor (and I know of what she speaks) and you can see how hard it has been for her to realize what is best for her daughter. Here is what she hears back home:

"What did Marybeth pledge at State?"
""XYZ. She is really happy with her choice."

can be equated with this,

"What is Marybeth up to now?"
"Marybeth flunked out of college and is working as a cleaning lady at the local dept store. But we are really happy she is happy."


Please don't bash. It is fact. I sympathize with her because I know she is dealing with lots of issues - and she needs to work on them for her daughter's sake. This is, no doubt, a good thing for her daughter and she should celebrate it not feel discouraged. I hope it can be a turning point for them both.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

Please don't bash. It is fact. I sympathize with her because I know she is dealing with lots of issues - and she needs to work on them for her daughter's sake. This is, no doubt, a good thing for her daughter and she should celebrate it not feel discouraged. I hope it can be a turning point for them both.

One word....Therapy!

I expect that the daughter will become very successful in whatever she does, and will be happy. It's absolutely devistating to get cut from your favorites, but D has worked to overcome those obstacles. She will be the fighter in the family.

As for bottom tier vs. top tier. When I was in school, there was a chapter (XYZ) who was considered the very bottom tier of all sororities and had the fewest members. A few years after I graduated, they recolonized. Guess what? They are currently one of the top tier sororities at the school. FWIW...two of the girls from that chapter are now doctors; I know of at least one lawyer and two that have their PhDs and do research.

Mom, your D is now an Adult and you need to realize that what the daughter wants is not your choice. Give yourself credit for one thing...your daughter finds beauty in things that are not superficial. Many girls this age can't look at the big picture. I would be thrilled to have a daughter like your's.

[SeXi~Fuzzy~F.06]

Originally Posted by sail100

My daughter went through rush this fall. I didn't expect her to go through, and since she's a bit on the shy side I really didn't encourage it knowing how stressful and heartbreaking it can be. Background - we live in a very competitive region of the country and live in a small town, and she knew only a few girl going to this college who are in sororities. Although she's very cute, she's never been obsessed about style and makeup; probably because she is the only daughter in a family of several boys. I tried to do what I could to help her have a successful rush based on my past experinece - nice clothes and accessories, mani/pedi, conversational coaching, makeup, etc. but I knew it would be very tough. To say she was cut heavily would be an understatment. By round two she only got invited back to two parties (I won't say how many different sororities there are at her campus other than it's in the double digits). These two were the bottom of the barrel reputation wise. At this point I tried to get her to drop out, maybe make some friends during the semester and try for spring rush or again next fall. Yes, it would have limited her choices, but she could at least have had a chance for some others. She refused to drop out. Pref night she was down to one party and received a bid to the smallest house on campus. She accepted and is in her pledge period.

She seems ok with it, but I'm going to come right out and say it even though I may get a lot of angry comments. I'm embarassed for her. I really don't even want to tell my friends what she pledged because I can tell they are shocked. It is common knowledge in our state, among those knowledgeable of Greek life at this university, that this house is the absolute bottom. They rarely make quota and constantly have to COR as well as spring rush. I have seen their social calendar and it is really lacking. They have few activites, and they basically don't have any mixers. Greek life is big at her campus, and most sorority calendars are packed with many social activities.

I guess this is so upsetting because I know exactly how much fun being in a sorority can be. I was in a sorority(not this school) that was considered very solid. Every rush we got many of the girls we wanted, we had mixers with great fraternities, my fellow sisters were the campus movers and shakers. I was so proud to wear my letters. To this day it still means something in our state to say I'm an "XYZ". I'm afraid she'll eventually figure this all out and realize she made a huge mistake. I want to encourage her to drop out before initiation and a commitment is made. Time is running out. I would like some advice from any moms who have been in my shoes - feel free to PM me, as I understand this is a sensitive topic.

Okay, 1. What a BITCH comment!

2. When I joined greek life in Fall 2006, my sorority had 22 members and was known at the "Fat Fuzzies", and everyone else had ceiling... Now we have ceiling, and half the other sororities were on probabtion and lost TONS of members. So being small with a bad/no-reputation is not a valid arguement. We have done a 180 in 2 years.

3. My sorority DOES Informal/COBs/What-ever-you-call-it after informal each fall, and we do Spring Informal Recruitment too. And, finally, when we do it this spring it will be invite only instead of open-house, just so we can keep our numbers up and keep girls interested!

4. Its not up to you to tell people whats going on in anyone's life but yours. So butt out of your daughters... If you're ashamed of her chapter, then buck up and act your age! Go to their events, and get to know the girls... They may not have a pristine reputation, but who's to say they're not the sweetest and most loyal girls?

And lastly, a commitment WAS made when she signed her bid... How would it feel 3 years from now when she thinks back? "Man, I wish I didn't ruin my only shot at Greek Life because I listened to my bitter mother, who was trying to re-live her life through me..."

Delete the post! And get over yourself... Your college years are history, support your daughter through hers! Don't try to change her! If my father or stepmother tried this 2 years ago, I would have stood up for myself and my chapter... Even if I would have been kicked out of my home, whatever... This is uncalled for!

Ps. Was your sorority in Panhel? Because if so, I hope you were the worst sister in your chapter. You are an epic fail in the eyes of Greek Life. Learn to be Panhellenic, and swallow your tongue when you think otherwise of ANY other sorority... Whether it's National or Local!