still single....

[wildcatpride]

ASUADPi, I've read along on these boards forever but never posted until now - but your post really hit home with me. I'm 34, single, haven't had a relationship in more than a decade, and you pretty much said exactly what I've been struggling with over the past few months. Part of me knows that I'm really good at being single (and is able to appreciate some of the freedoms that go along with it), and the other part just thinks it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with from time to time, or someone who goes with you when you move across the state. It gets lonely. And I'm a high school teacher, so not much chance of meeting eligible men in my line of work! At any rate, I just wanted to post and commiserate - and as someone who frequently gets down on myself for being single, it sort of helps to know that even people I view as cool and interesting (based on reading posts here for a long time) go through the same thing I am.

[sigmagirl2000]

Originally Posted by wildcatpride

ASUADPi, I've read along on these boards forever but never posted until now - but your post really hit home with me. I'm 34, single, haven't had a relationship in more than a decade, and you pretty much said exactly what I've been struggling with over the past few months. Part of me knows that I'm really good at being single (and is able to appreciate some of the freedoms that go along with it), and the other part just thinks it would be nice to have someone to cuddle with from time to time, or someone who goes with you when you move across the state. It gets lonely. And I'm a high school teacher, so not much chance of meeting eligible men in my line of work! At any rate, I just wanted to post and commiserate - and as someone who frequently gets down on myself for being single, it sort of helps to know that even people I view as cool and interesting (based on reading posts here for a long time) go through the same thing I am.

I got married last summer, but before that, let me tell you - as a super nerdy high school math teacher, I met PLENTY of eligible and hot, smart, intelligent, amusing, enlightening men in my line of work! Sounds like you need a new school district!

[elicampbell]

After my last "relationship" crashed and burned. I realize that I make bad choices in dates. I said "Self if you cannot choose any better than you have done, you need to be single." That was over a year ago.

On another note, I had a priest ask me if I had thought about going into the priesthood. His reason, I am single therefore celibate.

[tld221]

Wow, this thread is capturing a LOT of where I am in life.

Re: marriage. I grew up not wanting to be married. Didn't dream about it or anything. Couldn't ever imagine me and a +1. As an adult, it still is difficult. There are a lot of blanks, but I have realized that while ideally I would want a husband, a wife wouldn't be out of the question. I guess I'd want a life partner who also wants one.

Re: kids. Same as marriage. I have a lot of negative views of parenting (some that I need to work through, others that I'm comfortable in holding regardless of societal pressure) and I definitely identify with being a childless adult. I get nervous when I actually feel positive about having children and being a mother because I don't know if it's a genuine feeling or because I'm inundated with with boatloads of FB feeds of babies doing cutesy baby things. To date, I've only dreamt of being happy about having a man's baby once (we never dated, were never a thing, just really admired him). The role of parent never seemed joyous to me, and while most worry about regretting NOT having children... I think I'd regret having them.

Re: virginity. Whoever talked about detaching sex and love? Yeah, that. I've never tied sex to marriage or religion, so it was a little easier to detach. But I totally get still wanting it to mean something. I lost my virginity (I so wish there was a better phrase) at 25 and while it wasn't ideal, I was just glad to be over with it. It's still hard detach sex and emotion for me. Just means I (still) don't have (lots of) sex.

Re: dating. ugh. NYC has NEVER proven to be a great place for me as a single woman. Everyone dates everyone, despite how big the city is, and most folks I know who are married/engaged knew their mate in college or HS, or via family friend. I don't trust anyone in my family to set me up. My university wasn't the school you went for an MRS - I can only think of 3 couples from college who married. One is a doctor, the other two are lawyers. None of them are SAHM in the least bit and from what I remember about them, they always intended to be career AND family women. The doctor had a baby, the lawyers, dunno.

All this to say... in my heart of hearts, if I ended up a childless, single woman, I could be OK with that. As long as I managed to eek out a decent dating life and didnt struggle financially. I get my fill of children through friend's kids and I love a quiet home! But part of me just wants to give in to societal pressure and just be excited and overwhelmed with desire to birth children and search for Mr. Right with everyone else, because few people can be OK with a woman who doesn't want to put her ovaries to use or change her name for someone else without an eyeroll or disparaging attack to her femininity, sexuality or purpose.

[wildcatpride]

Originally Posted by sigmagirl2000

I got married last summer, but before that, let me tell you - as a super nerdy high school math teacher, I met PLENTY of eligible and hot, smart, intelligent, amusing, enlightening men in my line of work! Sounds like you need a new school district!

Maybe I'm in the wrong state! I've taught in five different school systems in NC over the past ten years and am hoping to stay put for a while (despite the lack of single men here). There were definitely some cute unmarried men in some of my previous schools, but they usually weren't unmarried for very long.

[KAPPAcino]

I tried marriage but it didn't work. It took marriage for me to realize I wasn't cut for it. There's no way I could see myself together with one woman for the rest of my life. I'd get tired of that after the first year. After I'm done having sex, I'd rather roll over and go to sleep without cuddling, or pillow talk. I have no attachment or emotion after sex. None. Marriage is great for some people, but all the responsibility and give and take that comes with it would make me feel trapped. If I had do that with someone "until death do us part" I'd be miserable. Those words make me cringe. Sex? Yes. Marriage/LTR? No.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by tld221

Re: marriage. I grew up not wanting to be married. Didn't dream about it or anything. Couldn't ever imagine me and a +1. As an adult, it still is difficult. There are a lot of blanks, but I have realized that while ideally I would want a husband, a wife wouldn't be out of the question. I guess I'd want a life partner who also wants one.

Re: kids. Same as marriage. I have a lot of negative views of parenting (some that I need to work through, others that I'm comfortable in holding regardless of societal pressure) and I definitely identify with being a childless adult. I get nervous when I actually feel positive about having children and being a mother because I don't know if it's a genuine feeling or because I'm inundated with with boatloads of FB feeds of babies doing cutesy baby things. To date, I've only dreamt of being happy about having a man's baby once (we never dated, were never a thing, just really admired him). The role of parent never seemed joyous to me, and while most worry about regretting NOT having children... I think I'd regret having them.
......
All this to say... in my heart of hearts, if I ended up a childless, single woman, I could be OK with that. As long as I managed to eek out a decent dating life and didnt struggle financially. I get my fill of children through friend's kids and I love a quiet home! But part of me just wants to give in to societal pressure and just be excited and overwhelmed with desire to birth children and search for Mr. Right with everyone else, because few people can be OK with a woman who doesn't want to put her ovaries to use or change her name for someone else without an eyeroll or disparaging attack to her femininity, sexuality or purpose.

Ditto for me to all of this (except for the part about potentially having a wife instead of a husband).

I'm currently in a relationship that I'm VERY happy with, and we've both mentioned marriage, but not in any kind of a serious way. We usually just blurt out things like: "If we ever get married, we should totally have a waffle bar and cookie table at our wedding!" while watching a commercial for IHOP. Neither one of us is in any kind of a rush. And even though I could see us tying the knot one day, the idea still kind of freaks me out.

As for kids, what you've said above is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. For those Grey's Anatomy fans out there, it's like Christina said once: "I'd rather decide now to not have a baby and maybe regret it later, than reluctantly have a baby now and resent him/her." People always try to tell me, "Oh, you'll change your mind." Some days I think I will, but it'll only be because some cute kid at the grocery store smiled and waved at me; not because I suddenly have this urge to carry a child and love, nurture and care for it for the rest of my life.

People just need to realize that not everyone is the same, and not everyone desires to have the house with the white picket fence, a spouse, and 2.5 children.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

People just need to realize that not everyone is the same, and not everyone desires to have the house with the white picket fence, a spouse, and 2.5 children.

[als463]

Regarding children: I'm still not 100% sure I want children--especially if I don't adopt (because I am an advocate for adoption for personal reasons) but, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes think, "Wow. What if I have no children and as I become elderly, I don't have kids to pass on traditions or take care of my husband and me?" It scares me.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by als463

Regarding children: I'm still not 100% sure I want children--especially if I don't adopt (because I am an advocate for adoption for personal reasons) but, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes think, "Wow. What if I have no children and as I become elderly, I don't have kids to pass on traditions or take care of my husband and me?" It scares me.

Two things to keep in mind:

1. Your children are not obligated to care about and uphold your traditions.

2. Your children are not obligated to care for you in your old age. Why parents can still end up lonely. Also, contrary to assumptions, the average abandoned elderly person and person in nursing homes has children. China has had to beg children.

[als463]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Two things to keep in mind:

1. Your children are not obligated to care about and uphold your traditions.
2. Your children are not obligated to care for you in your old age. Why parents can still end up lonely. Also, contrary to assumptions, the average abandoned elderly person and person in nursing homes has children. China has had to beg children.

You know, after I posted this, I actually thought about how it may have sounded. You hit the nail on the head. You are right. No one is obligated to take care of me as an elderly adult but, I would like to have someone around who loves me when my husband dies. Wives generally live longer than their husbands and that's usually due to how they deal with stress. Studies have shown this. I always fear that my husbad will die much sooner than me, when I get older, and if I have no children, I could be alone. It's pretty scary. I also don't want my career, as many women in this field have come to deal with, to dictate whether or not I have children. I'm thinking that in the next year or so, I'll have "May Baby Syndrome" or something of the sort.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by als463

You are right. No one is obligated to take care of me as an elderly adult but, I would like to have someone around who loves me when my husband dies.

Children shouldn't be born with a job. That is a good way to make a child anxious to leave the nest and not return even if a parent is guilt tripping them to be around.

Plus, what if your child dies before you? What if your child is nothing like you imagined? What if your child is an absolute nightmare to be around? I am not wishing ill on anyone but that is a reality. If you are only having a child for some promise for the future--30+ years down the road--will you be sad and like "oh damn" if you invest time and energy in a child but never get a return for your investment? That is one reason why many parents want their children to be successful, help them pay bills, and take care of parents as they age. "I took care of you so now it is time for you to repay me" That often fails miserably and there are some bitter parents around the world.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Children shouldn't be born with a job. That is a good way to make a child anxious to leave the nest and not return even if a parent is guilt tripping them to be around.

That is one reason why many parents want their children to be successful, help them pay bills, and take care of parents as they age. "I took care of you so now it is time for you to repay me" That often fails miserably and there are some bitter parents around the world.

and bitter children. ahem.

the idea that I "owe" my parents care because they cared for me is... well, there's no way to say it without being seen as a jerk.

I have a friend whose mother takes 10% of their paycheck to direct deposit into her bank account. He works in marketing, the brother is a lawyer. That must be frustrating to not have any say-so, but they oblige because, well, it's their parents.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by tld221

and bitter children. ahem.

the idea that I "owe" my parents care because they cared for me is... well, there's no way to say it without being seen as a jerk.

I have a friend whose mother takes 10% of their paycheck to direct deposit into her bank account. He works in marketing, the brother is a lawyer. That must be frustrating to not have any say-so, but they oblige because, well, it's their parents.

Oh yeah, pissed off children.

Your friend and his brother better get smart. Seriously. Their mother better stop acting like she did someone a favor. She chose to have children. I understand wanting children to be grateful but that is easily taken to the extreme.

[tld221]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Oh yeah, pissed off children.

Your friend and his brother better get smart. Seriously. Their mother better stop acting like she did someone a favor. She chose to have children. I understand wanting children to be grateful but that is easily taken to the extreme.

They're Chinese - I chalked it up to something cultural I wasn't hip to. It could also be a class thing - feeling obligated to "give back" once you've "made it." I guess why so many of these newly drafted basketball players go buying their mamas houses and cars off top, or why many people, when presented with the age-old "what will you do if you win the lottery?" scenario, always go to paying off their (parents'/family's) debt or buying real estate.