still single....

ASTalumna06 · #1 06-18-2014, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tld221

Re: marriage. I grew up not wanting to be married. Didn't dream about it or anything. Couldn't ever imagine me and a +1. As an adult, it still is difficult. There are a lot of blanks, but I have realized that while ideally I would want a husband, a wife wouldn't be out of the question. I guess I'd want a life partner who also wants one.

Re: kids. Same as marriage. I have a lot of negative views of parenting (some that I need to work through, others that I'm comfortable in holding regardless of societal pressure) and I definitely identify with being a childless adult. I get nervous when I actually feel positive about having children and being a mother because I don't know if it's a genuine feeling or because I'm inundated with with boatloads of FB feeds of babies doing cutesy baby things. To date, I've only dreamt of being happy about having a man's baby once (we never dated, were never a thing, just really admired him). The role of parent never seemed joyous to me, and while most worry about regretting NOT having children... I think I'd regret having them.
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All this to say... in my heart of hearts, if I ended up a childless, single woman, I could be OK with that. As long as I managed to eek out a decent dating life and didnt struggle financially. I get my fill of children through friend's kids and I love a quiet home! But part of me just wants to give in to societal pressure and just be excited and overwhelmed with desire to birth children and search for Mr. Right with everyone else, because few people can be OK with a woman who doesn't want to put her ovaries to use or change her name for someone else without an eyeroll or disparaging attack to her femininity, sexuality or purpose.

Ditto for me to all of this (except for the part about potentially having a wife instead of a husband).

I'm currently in a relationship that I'm VERY happy with, and we've both mentioned marriage, but not in any kind of a serious way. We usually just blurt out things like: "If we ever get married, we should totally have a waffle bar and cookie table at our wedding!" while watching a commercial for IHOP. Neither one of us is in any kind of a rush. And even though I could see us tying the knot one day, the idea still kind of freaks me out.

As for kids, what you've said above is exactly how I feel about the whole thing. For those Grey's Anatomy fans out there, it's like Christina said once: "I'd rather decide now to not have a baby and maybe regret it later, than reluctantly have a baby now and resent him/her." People always try to tell me, "Oh, you'll change your mind." Some days I think I will, but it'll only be because some cute kid at the grocery store smiled and waved at me; not because I suddenly have this urge to carry a child and love, nurture and care for it for the rest of my life.

People just need to realize that not everyone is the same, and not everyone desires to have the house with the white picket fence, a spouse, and 2.5 children.

DrPhil · #2 06-18-2014, 02:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

People just need to realize that not everyone is the same, and not everyone desires to have the house with the white picket fence, a spouse, and 2.5 children.

als463 · #3 06-19-2014, 07:46 PM

Regarding children: I'm still not 100% sure I want children--especially if I don't adopt (because I am an advocate for adoption for personal reasons) but, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes think, "Wow. What if I have no children and as I become elderly, I don't have kids to pass on traditions or take care of my husband and me?" It scares me.

DrPhil · #4 06-19-2014, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by als463

Regarding children: I'm still not 100% sure I want children--especially if I don't adopt (because I am an advocate for adoption for personal reasons) but, I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes think, "Wow. What if I have no children and as I become elderly, I don't have kids to pass on traditions or take care of my husband and me?" It scares me.

Two things to keep in mind:

1. Your children are not obligated to care about and uphold your traditions.

2. Your children are not obligated to care for you in your old age. Why parents can still end up lonely. Also, contrary to assumptions, the average abandoned elderly person and person in nursing homes has children. China has had to beg children.

als463 · #5 06-19-2014, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Two things to keep in mind:

1. Your children are not obligated to care about and uphold your traditions.
2. Your children are not obligated to care for you in your old age. Why parents can still end up lonely. Also, contrary to assumptions, the average abandoned elderly person and person in nursing homes has children. China has had to beg children.

You know, after I posted this, I actually thought about how it may have sounded. You hit the nail on the head. You are right. No one is obligated to take care of me as an elderly adult but, I would like to have someone around who loves me when my husband dies. Wives generally live longer than their husbands and that's usually due to how they deal with stress. Studies have shown this. I always fear that my husbad will die much sooner than me, when I get older, and if I have no children, I could be alone. It's pretty scary. I also don't want my career, as many women in this field have come to deal with, to dictate whether or not I have children. I'm thinking that in the next year or so, I'll have "May Baby Syndrome" or something of the sort.

DrPhil · #6 06-19-2014, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by als463

You are right. No one is obligated to take care of me as an elderly adult but, I would like to have someone around who loves me when my husband dies.

Children shouldn't be born with a job. That is a good way to make a child anxious to leave the nest and not return even if a parent is guilt tripping them to be around.

Plus, what if your child dies before you? What if your child is nothing like you imagined? What if your child is an absolute nightmare to be around? I am not wishing ill on anyone but that is a reality. If you are only having a child for some promise for the future--30+ years down the road--will you be sad and like "oh damn" if you invest time and energy in a child but never get a return for your investment? That is one reason why many parents want their children to be successful, help them pay bills, and take care of parents as they age. "I took care of you so now it is time for you to repay me" That often fails miserably and there are some bitter parents around the world.

tld221 · #7 06-19-2014, 10:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Children shouldn't be born with a job. That is a good way to make a child anxious to leave the nest and not return even if a parent is guilt tripping them to be around.

That is one reason why many parents want their children to be successful, help them pay bills, and take care of parents as they age. "I took care of you so now it is time for you to repay me" That often fails miserably and there are some bitter parents around the world.

and bitter children. ahem.

the idea that I "owe" my parents care because they cared for me is... well, there's no way to say it without being seen as a jerk.

I have a friend whose mother takes 10% of their paycheck to direct deposit into her bank account. He works in marketing, the brother is a lawyer. That must be frustrating to not have any say-so, but they oblige because, well, it's their parents.