Domestic Violence

[Still BLUTANG]

not an attorney, but a law librarian that worked in the county courthouse for 5 years. dealing with DV and everything associated with it was one of the main reasons for my burnout. ESPECIALLY seeing the same people over and over and each partner continually trying to "outdo" the other.

It made it really hard (for *me*) to be appropriately sensitive after a certain point. colleagues l lovingly joke that law school students are demanding... i say piece of cake compared to john q. public!

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

I completely agree. Rihanna came out of this scot-free, but I think there had to be a DAMN good reason for him to put both of their lives in jeopardy in that car.

This is what I said. I don't condone him hitting her by any stretch of the imagination but that does not stop me from wondering what she was doing at the time. Her actions are some of the many things that happened in that car that the public does not know. Unfortunately, when many people hear "there's lots of stuff we don't know," it equals "she might also be at fault" which equals "she deserved what she got." Which equaled me getting called lots of interesting names when I said "there's lots of stuff we don't know." People tend to demonize those who refuse to or are hesitant to demonize the abuser--an effect of that idea of "there's only one victim and one abuser and you MUST choose a side."

I also know that "I was doing it to protect her from hurting herself" is a pretty popular excuse for men after using physical force on a woman when really she was putting no one in danger. However, it is almost impossible to prove if that's true one way or the other without witnesses. No clue if it's true, but I read a good deal of what went down between Chris and Rihanna happened after the car was already pulled over. Would that change how the whole ordeal is viewed? Would that change if he also had bruises all over him and those pictures were splashed across tabloids?

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by Low C Sharp

A lot of mental health workers say their least favorite patients are the ones with borderline personality disorder. They have a diabolical genius for driving other people berserk. A lot of victims of domestic violence have this condition, and it makes it so hard to represent their interests. They will come up with the most creative ways to sabotage your work.

Borderline Personality Disorder is a terrible condition that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. That said, I've heard that when men are being abused by their female partners, the women often have heavy borderline traits (if they're not diagnosed BPD). The highs are super-high, and the lows are abysmal. They're often substance abusers. The men don't want to leave their kids but know that their wives are manipulative enough to do certain things to get custody. The stories out there are terrible.

[ElieM]

I think most people only think about DV as male on female due to the large number of campaigns like "Real men beat eggs" and "To violence against women, _______ says no."

There aren't many campaigns that focus on all aspects of DV

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by ElieM

There aren't many campaigns that focus on all aspects of DV

SPEAK THAT. I've been saying this for some time (IRL, I don't it's come up here). There are many situations that fall into the category of DV that are never even touched. People are not taught how to deal with them and professionals aren't even taught how to offer help with them, which is a shame.

[IrishLake]

I'd just like to say that this has been an awesome conversation!

[Kevin]

Anecdotally speaking, with regard to same-sex DV, I've seen plenty of it while waiting my turn on the VPO docket (in OKC, we have a judge who only hears cases where people are claiming there is domestic violence which entitles them to a restraining order).

Of course, when I say "same sex," it occurs to me that I've never once seen a male-male DV situation. Of course, due to the state of marriage laws in my state, the same sex community doesn't really have the same access to the legal system as everyone else.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Kevin

Anecdotally speaking, with regard to same-sex DV, I've seen plenty of it while waiting my turn on the VPO docket (in OKC, we have a judge who only hears cases where people are claiming there is domestic violence which entitles them to a restraining order).

Of course, when I say "same sex," it occurs to me that I've never once seen a male-male DV situation. Of course, due to the state of marriage laws in my state, the same sex community doesn't really have the same access to the legal system as everyone else.

Is it possible that it was presented as a garden variety male-male fight when it was actually domestic violence? i.e. the officers just refused to book it that way?

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Is it possible that it was presented as a garden variety male-male fight when it was actually domestic violence? i.e. the officers just refused to book it that way?

Dunno. I don't handle the criminal side of that stuff. Or at least I haven't yet. I do quite a bit of civil restraining order stuff, which is quasi-criminal in nature, because if a victim's protection order is violated in Oklahoma, it's a felony charge.

With an Oklahoma VPO, the party seeking it has to go to the courthouse and file a petition (it's a fill-in-the-blanks form) and give a valid address for service. There's then a court date and a hearing. At the hearing, the judge will listen to the evidence (imagine a daytime judge tv show and it's about like that) and then decides whether or not a VPO can be entered based on the evidence.

[preciousjeni]

I thought of this thread when I read this:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_ne...e=home_oneline

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I thought of this thread when I read this:

http://thestir.cafemom.com/in_the_ne...e=home_oneline

I'm not familiar with Cafemom, so I'm not sure if this is just the writing style for the site, but I found this interesting:

And 17 men have come forward to positively identify the three women as having raped them, so it's not just like one or two guys are telling some cockamamie story.

It seems like there must be more than one accuser in order for a "woman raping a man" claim to be legit. I doubt that we would wait for more women to come forward before a "man raping a woman" claim would be seen as legit. I think it would help solidify a case, but the woman's story would not be a "cockamamie" one until others came forward.

[knight_shadow]

I read through a few of the comments and saw this:

I just don't believe a man can get raped by a woman period!! Forced to have sex maybe but raped hell no!

*facepalm*

[PiKA2001]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

I read threw a few of the comments and saw this:



*facepalm*

I can't believe people can be that stupid.

[christiangirl]

That article was ridiculous. I cannot believe those women...that's just sick. On all counts. I'm not sure which was worse, the crime they committed or those inane comments.

[southernbelle14]

I just read this thread and love the discussion that's gone on.
I do have something that I'm having trouble with...
In no circumstance do I condone violence, whether it is male on female or reversed. But I'm just not sure that realistically woman on man domestic violence should be viewed the same as man on woman. I mean, generally men are significantly stronger than women. If a girl tries to compete with guy physically they pretty much always lose. When a girl playfully hits a guy, even if it's pretty hard in her opinion, the guy will laugh most of the time about how pathetic it was. But I, as well as many other women I know and I'm sure many I don't know, have been joking around with a guy where they will hold me down to tickle me or something equally innocent and end up actually causing pain. They certainly do not intend to do so, but it still happens. Men are, in general, more capable of causing real damage to a woman than a woman is of causing real damage to a man. At least this is how it seems to me. If I am completely off here, please let me know and help me to better understand.