Domestic Violence

[DrPhil]

Whenever I talk about men being the victims of domestic violence, some people chuckle. For years I have been discussing this with people and, like clockwork, I have to challenge people on why they find this funny whether it is real laughter or nervous laughter.

This is another reminder that men are also victims of domestic violence (in woman-man and man-man relationships). It does not make it okay just because they are men. It does not make it a "nondomestic violence topic" just because they are men. This is still domestic violence and this is part of the topic of domestic violence even if women are a higher percentage of domestic violence victims.

Originally Posted by elev8 article

Did you know that men are also victims of domestic abuse? While most attention is given to women who are abused by men, men are often overlooked victims of domestic violence. Victims of domestic violence come from all walks of life — all cultures, all income groups, all ages, all religions. Men are silent sufferers. We easily believe a woman who claims abuse, but a man is expected to always hold be the one giving the abuse. This is not the case.

Read these facts:
- Every 38 seconds, somewhere in America a man is battered.

- Center For Disease Control estimates 835,000 men are the victims of domestic violence each year.

- A survey 0f 1,000 women, perhaps the largest survey of its kind, found that 20% had initiated violence. The most common reasons for women initiating domestic violence were: “My partner wasn’t sensitive to my needs,” (46%), “I wished to gain my partner’s attention,” (44%) and “My partner was not listening to me” (43%). “My partner was being verbally abusive to me” (38%) was a distant fourth. (Source: Fiebert. M. and Gonzalez, D. (1997). College Women Who Initiate Assaults on their Male Partners and the Reasons Offered for Such Behavior. Psychological Reports, 80, 583-590 (1997)

http://elev8.com/health/orethawinsto...tic-abuse-men/

[cheerfulgreek]

My thoughts on domestic violence: People are victims of it (a woman or a man) because they allow it. Bottom line, the first time someone hits you (in general), pushes you, verbally abuses you etc. Just leave. I know I would. I don't know why people stay. They're doing it to themselves when they stay and allow it. To me, it's the same as sitting, sleeping and just plain old living in a pile of dog crap. It would only take one time for me. ONE. Then, see ya.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

My thoughts on domestic violence: People are victims of it (a woman or a man) because they allow it. Bottom line, the first time someone hits you (in general), pushes you, verbally abuses you etc. Just leave. I know I would. I don't know why people stay. They're doing it to themselves when they stay and allow it. To me, it's the same as sitting, sleeping and just plain old living in a pile of dog crap. It would only take one time for me. ONE. Then, see ya.

There is more to it than just leaving.

This is the most polite response to your post that I could muscle. If it was just a matter of leaving, there would not be millions of people around the world being abused. And everyone says they would leave if it was them. What you need to realize is that domestic violence takes many forms and overcoming it is about more than personal strength and personal awesomeness.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

There is more to it than just leaving.

Agreed

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

There is more to it than just leaving.

This is the most polite response to your post that I could muscle. If it was just a matter of leaving, there would not be millions of people around the world being abused. And everyone says they would leave if it was them. What you need to realize is that domestic violence takes many forms and overcoming it is about more than personal strength and personal awesomeness.

What you said, because it's nicer than what I would want to say in response, which is "eff your-blame-the-victim mentality." Oops. I just said it.

[Tulip86]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

My thoughts on domestic violence: People are victims of it (a woman or a man) because they allow it. Bottom line, the first time someone hits you (in general), pushes you, verbally abuses you etc. Just leave. I know I would. I don't know why people stay. They're doing it to themselves when they stay and allow it. To me, it's the same as sitting, sleeping and just plain old living in a pile of dog crap. It would only take one time for me. ONE. Then, see ya.

WOW, seriously?

You do not know what you would do if you haven't ever been in that situation. It's very easy to say you'd "just leave". If you haven't lived it, it's easy to blame the victim, as you did above saying that they allow it.

I hope you don't seriously feel this way because I could never imagine an educated women to be so short-sighted.

[DrPhil]

And what constitutes verbal abuse varies. Does everyone plan on leaving the moment they have their first heated argument where things get even remotely disrespectful? Or should people wait for a pattern of behavior? Or will many people explain it all away (i.e., "she's a good, Godfearing person who loves me, she's just acting like this because she's really stressed at work"). What will you (in general) do when the person who seemed so awesome sauce seemingly suddenly switches on you for whatever reason? Who knows and the outcome may surprise people about what they assumed about themselves. The strongest person can become "the opposite" in an instant.

[agzg]

The "they should just leave" sounds an awful lot like "you shouldn't dress like a slut if you didn't want to get raped" argument.

Just saying.

[honeychile]

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

I never thought about it that way but I absolutely agree with you. It's a luxury to be so naive.

cheerfulgreek, based on some of your posts--especially when it comes to dating and relationships--you come across as extremely naive and judgmental, without a ton of experience. The world does not work as easily as you think it does. If you had a friend or family member who had experienced DV, then you'd know it's not as simple as "just leaving," or that the woman isn't "smart enough" to leave.

[PiKA2001]

[QUOTE=DrPhil;2105076]Whenever I talk about men being the victims of domestic violence, some people chuckle. For years I have been discussing this with people and, like clockwork, I have to challenge people on why they find this funny whether it is real laughter or nervous laughter.


And what have you come up with? Why do people find this or men being victims of rape funny?

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

Agreed

Originally Posted by amIblue?

What you said.

Originally Posted by Tulip86

WOW, seriously?

Word.

The Chessman (my ex-boyfriend for those who did not follow our D&R soap opera) and I had a conversation about this when we were dating. He did not understand why a woman being physically or sexually assaulted would not fight back--fear, threats, the presence of a weapon, etc. "are not excuses to sit there and take it" as he put it. He jokingly asked me "You're a strong woman--if a man came at you, why not just kick his ass?" I said, "Because he was was bigger than me. And when a 300lb man pins you to the floor, it's about more than just kicking his ass." He shut up. Then, we had an educational moment.

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Or should people wait for a pattern of behavior? Or will many people explain it all away (i.e., "she's a good, Godfearing person who loves me, she's just acting like this because she's really stressed at work").

I think you hit a big one with this. A lot of people think "abuse" was an ongoing, consistent pattern. My view on that did not change until a counselor told me that "abuse history" is still a history even if it only happened one time. So when a person is being harmed, I'm pretty sure on e of the factors playing into it is "I'm not 'being abused' it only happened once or twice." This message comes from several directions, including family and friends. Depending on how people are raised and how their worldview is shaped, a woman or man who stays in an abusive situation is weak and a fool and one who leaves after only one time is unforgiving and selfish. He or she will usually catch flack either way.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by PiKA2001

And what have you come up with? Why do people find this or men being victims of rape funny?

I would wager, as far as the rape part, because a lot of people assume that men just want sex all the time, no matter the circumstance.

As far as the abuse, the stereotypical picture people have of heterosexual couples is one where the man is taller and larger than the woman. The thought of the smaller person whaling on the larger incites titters. Although of course, this isn't always true - and even if it IS true, a teeny woman can still abuse a man verbally.

IMO all the "aren't men so stupid, we need to take care of them" bashing that has become so prevalent in popular culture is really paving the way for female-on-male abuse - mental AND physical.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by PiKA2001

And what have you come up with? Why do people find this or men being victims of rape funny?

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that men are supposed to be "strong," and if a woman (who's inherently weak) can hurt him, then he's really not that much of a man. Weak men are funny! (exclamation point to indicate sarcasm)

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

This is a lovely way of thinking about it.

I was in an abusive relationship in my 20's, which I finally was able to end after seven years. Should I have gotten out sooner, absolutely, but I had to do a lot of reprogramming of my psyche in order to get to the point where I could do so. I was also someone who had said previously things along the lines of "I'm out of there if that ever happens even once." For me, it didn't start out at the extreme. It was losing a temper, having awful things said to me (who hasn't done that), and then an apology, which ratcheted up in intensity every time.

The only thing that I can compare it to is slowly being boiled to death. You're hanging out in a nice comfy pot of water. Slowly the temperature keeps rising, but it's not unbearable. The temperature keeps creeping up, and the next thing you know, you're in a roiling pit of hell.