Domestic Violence

[honeychile]

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

I never thought about it that way but I absolutely agree with you. It's a luxury to be so naive.

cheerfulgreek, based on some of your posts--especially when it comes to dating and relationships--you come across as extremely naive and judgmental, without a ton of experience. The world does not work as easily as you think it does. If you had a friend or family member who had experienced DV, then you'd know it's not as simple as "just leaving," or that the woman isn't "smart enough" to leave.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I have to admit, I'm always a little happy when people make silly statements about domestic violence. It means that they & those they love haven't been through it.

This is a lovely way of thinking about it.

I was in an abusive relationship in my 20's, which I finally was able to end after seven years. Should I have gotten out sooner, absolutely, but I had to do a lot of reprogramming of my psyche in order to get to the point where I could do so. I was also someone who had said previously things along the lines of "I'm out of there if that ever happens even once." For me, it didn't start out at the extreme. It was losing a temper, having awful things said to me (who hasn't done that), and then an apology, which ratcheted up in intensity every time.

The only thing that I can compare it to is slowly being boiled to death. You're hanging out in a nice comfy pot of water. Slowly the temperature keeps rising, but it's not unbearable. The temperature keeps creeping up, and the next thing you know, you're in a roiling pit of hell.

[*winter*]

There's way too much acceptance of women smacking, punching and screaming at men on TV. If the shoe was on the other foot, that show would be shut down. Wrong is wrong, doesn't matter who is hitting- would you want your daughter to grow up to be that woman? Can't we- men, women- everyone- find a better way!?!

As for just leaving...wow, people still think that it's that easy? That's like saying to an addict, "Just don't do that drug again." If it was that easy why would there be treatment centers and programs around the world, or domestic violence shelters?

Which isn't to say it's not incredibly frustrating to be a friend/family member who wants to see the person leave and be happy...but it rarely is that cut and dry. Many of these individuals have been raised with violence, so it's just part of life for them. And abusers have ways to manipulate and control the situation (i.e. wife doesn't get a license, so she can't drive, moving to a remote location, cutting off contact with family/friends) so that "leaving" just isn't that easy. Plus there's usually threats of killing the spouse, kids, family, even the pets if they dare leave.

[Tulip86]

Originally Posted by amIblue?

I was in an abusive relationship in my 20's, which I finally was able to end after seven years. Should I have gotten out sooner, absolutely, but I had to do a lot of reprogramming of my psyche in order to get to the point where I could do so. I was also someone who had said previously things along the lines of "I'm out of there if that ever happens even once." For me, it didn't start out at the extreme. It was losing a temper, having awful things said to me (who hasn't done that), and then an apology, which ratcheted up in intensity every time.

I experienced a relationship like this as well a few years ago, it took me over two years to get out. It started with an insult. It evolved. In my experience, it creeps up on you.

Also, my ex managed to make me feel very lonely. This feeling of alienation is something I've heard a lot of people who experienced this mention. It is really hard to tell people close to you about this. I think most people know someone who experienced domestic abuse, but it's just not talked about.

For men, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to talk about because men are stereotyped to be strong, in charge, and since being abused is often confused with being weak, they must have a way harder time talking about it and acknowledging that they are being abused.

[amIblue?]

Originally Posted by Tulip86

I experienced a relationship like this as well a few years ago, it took me over two years to get out. It started with an insult. It evolved. In my experience, it creeps up on you.

Also, me ex managed to make me feel very lonely. This feeling of alienation is something I've heard a lot of people who experienced this mention. It is really hard to tell people close to you about this. I think most people know someone who experienced domestic abuse, but it's just not talked about.

For men, I can only imagine how much harder it must be to talk about because men are stereotyped to me strong, in charge and since being abused is often confused with being weak, they must have a way harder time talking about it and acknowledging that they are being abused.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

The isolation is the worst; I went from having tons and tons of friends to not so many. Of course, going through something awful like that tends to separate the chaff from the wheat in terms of good friends vs. not good friends, but it's terrible to feel so alone.