What defines a helicopter parent?

[WarEagle07]

Well, I enjoy it when parents come on GC seeking info and sharing their feelings about their children and what they are going through. But I draw the line when parents start referring to what is happening to their child as if it were happening to them. For instance last year there was a mom who referred to her daughters rush as 'our rush' and repeatedly used the term 'we' and 'I' when she should have been using 'she' and 'her'.
Helicopter Mom -v- Regular Mom
A Helicopter Mom:

• Decides her daughter should rush

• Gets Recs for her

• Picks out the outfits

• Is present during rush to make sure daughters hair and makeup are fresh (yes, it happened...not at Auburn)

• Is more upset by who cut daughter/son than by who wants them

• Says critical things trying to analyze why cuts happened

• Compares her daughter/son to other young adults
• Is competitive with other young adults for the sake of their child.

A Regular Mom:

• Supports childs decision to rush or not

• Passes on leads for recs to her child

• Advises on outfits if asked

• Is a sounding board during rush, but not actually present

• Tries to get child to see the bright side when facing cuts.

• Never gives the child the impression that the cuts were the result of something they did/did not do

• Knows that every child is unique and will have unique experiences in rush and in life
• Allows their child to have disappointments, but is there to support them when they do.

Having said that....
I love cooking for and doing laundry for my daughter when she comes home, I can't help it! I don't think this makes me a helicopter parent though because she does her own laundry 99% of the time!

[Tom Earp]

I guess they do not yet realize that little precious may or not be GLO material even though the kinder is the apple of their eye!

They look at them as their little angel and can do no wrong.

If god forbid some of you have kids would you be any different?


Just some S & Gs!

Oh, I am trying very carefully to type and spell for the benefit of the Spelling Kings and Queens!

TPU!

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by EE-BO

I think we are suddenly seening so many HMs on GC since it is now obvious that they will be given a voice here they should not have. It is just like what happened when the AI forum promoted sorority shopping here- it eventually drew a crowd.

I am not a parent yet, but just from my life observations I think helicoptering is basically when a parent progressively resists the need to let a child make independent decisions and learn from mistakes. Such parents like to think they just love their kids and take better care of them than other parents, but that is a way to deny the very selfish and control-freak urge in them that thinks of children almost like pets in a way.

That is the mentality I have observed in friends of mine who had HMs.

I think it gets bad in sorority rush since that is a time when a young lady is expected to do her homework and present herself on her own merits and effort. Naturally an alumna parent can be in the background helping with recs and other tips- but when Mom actually starts making herself a visible presence is when I think a big line is crossed.

It could come in any form- be it coming here to whine or calling up nationals etc.- but the line is crossed, in my opinion, when Mom makes herself a visible presence at a point when she should not be in the picture at all.

I agree.

Having Helimoms & dads are a big part of millennials' lives and how they were raised.

In t-ball, there were no "winners or losers".. everyone got participation trophies instead. The kids grew up so used to getting everything that all of a sudden when they are turned loose into the real world there are parents demanding to know why their precious top notch daughter got cut, or why their smart son didn't get the job he wanted.

Sorry to say, but that's life.

As a parent you don't want to see your kiddos hurt, but it's NOT your job to whine about it. It's your job to be there to support the kids going through their rough patch.

I think the line is cross like EE-BO said when the parent isn't just watching from the sidelines anymore. They're front and center - giving us the play by play of their stellar daughter/son's rush.

I think if those young men & women really wanted their story posted on the internet, they should be perfectly capable to post it themselves. They should also be perfectly capable to ask the questions they have ON THEIR OWN.

My parents did not take part in me looking at colleges. They told me to figure out which ones I was interested in and if I wanted to we'd go visit them. My mom didn't ask random questions on internet chat boards about recs or sororities or rush or anything. I told them I was interested in joining a sorority. My mom said "Great - tell us how that goes for you". My parents also did not take part in my job hunt after I graduated. Why? Because I am independent and capable of doing all those things for myself.

[Srmom1]

Posting under a different name at home...

I think the line is crossed like EE-BO said when the parent isn't just watching from the sidelines anymore. They're front and center - giving up the play by play of their stellar daughter/son's rush

So, in other words - Get off the forum? You're not welcome, we don't want you here? You're a moderator - ban us!

Sometimes the parents are here because they are nervous and want a place to vent, then WE encourge them to share (and then some relish attacking them for it). I admit that last year there were some unattractive parents who, for whatever reason, be it anger, spite, revenge, what have you, posted nasty things after their kids were cut or didn't have a good rush (in their opinion). But, do you really want all the parents (even when we are active Greek women or men alumni) to just go away?

I think if those young men & women really wanted their story posted on the internet, they should be perfectly capable to post it themselves. They should also be perfectly capable to ask the questions they have ON THEIR OWN.

My son wouldn't come on this site if his life depended upon it But, he didn't mind when I posted (post recruitment) his story, and neither did the people who enjoyed reading it and encouraged me to post - and perhaps, in some way, the story of his recruitment can help others who might be thinking of rushing a fraternity which is COMPLETELY different than rushing a sorority.

I came on the site when my son was a senior (hence Srmom) to get information because it had been MANY moons since both my husband and I were involved in the Greek system. My son had expressed an interest, was being "rushed", although he didn't realize it at the time because we did NOT make it a deal in our house, he just thought nice guys were inviting him to go to stuff. By getting information on this site (and from EE-BO for one) it helped with the process. I understood what was going on and felt better about what he was going through and where he ended up (special circumstances in that he pledged a fraternity that is not recognized by IFC - EE BO, in particular, shed light on that situation).

So, this is a great website - full of information, full of fun interaction, full of controvery and spirited debate - why do you have a problem with moms/dads who come here to be a part of it????

[Srmom1]

But when it turns into a public spewfest about why Patty Precious got dropped and how meanie everybody has to be to do that to her poor self and some of those girls were not as cute as my little wonder pup and she's SO devastated I need to get answers for her so I'm calling the school because HOW DARE THEY!!! ... I mean, really. What do they expect when they come here expecting people to CONDONE that kind of behaviour from a grown adult?

Like I said, there were a few parents last year who went over the bounds of - shall I say - decorum, in terms of their reactions to their kiddos rushes. But, it hasn't denegrated to that at this point yet this year, so no broad strokes of generalization. Not all folks of the parental sort are a bad sort.

I enjoy the recruitment stories. I would hate to see them disappear because of fear of posting.

[AlwaysSAI]

Didn't we have this discussion or one very similar to it last summer? I shall attempt to find the thread.

ETA: Found it!

[pbear19]

I'm not sure I've heard anyone say they want to get rid of all parents on GC. Sure, some people have less tolerance for parents sharing their kid's stories than others, but such is message board life. I have little tolerance for a lot of stuff. I'm sure there are people who have little tolerance for my relatively dispassionate posts. I sincerely doubt everyone will ever come to a consensus, but what I'm reading above is that the majority of posters who have replied have little problem with parents who are merely talking about their kids, but not trying to control their kids. Seems like the effort to control and smother are the more defining characteristics. And yes, people on GC have a real distaste for parents venting here. For good or ill, coming on this site and complaining about your kid's rush results is a recipe for disaster.

Would I be absolutely mortified if my parents were talking about my personal life on a message board? Yes. Do I cringe every time I see a parent doing such? A little. But, if their kids know they are sharing online and don't have a problem with it, then neither do it. I don't think it's right for a parent to be dishing about their kids when the kids are unaware of it, but that doesn't mean my opinion should dictate others' actions.

If we all left the site when someone didn't care for us, or if being disliked was a bannable offense, this would be a pretty dead board.

[SWTXBelle]

I believe the GC is very supportive of both pnms and their parents for the most part. It may well be that a few rotten apples have spoiled the whole bunch for some; however, it seems to me that we are very supportive of those going through the process but 1.) obviously when GLOs and their members are insulted by these same posters they react negatively and 2.) there is a belief that recruitment should be driven by the pnm, not the parent.
I think you can see some great examples of support of parents in many current threads. I know that I really enjoy it when I feel I can offer some information or advice that might really help a pnm. I am overjoyed to hear of a successful recruitment.
As I said in my original post, it's a tough row to hoe. I am always having to step back and ask myself if an action I am contemplating doing would be better done by my daughter. I think that it may be that heliparents aren't that introspective - they never question whether it would be better for their child to do it his/herself.
I saw many examples of heliparents while teaching at a private high school, although there the goal was to get into a competitive, high status college. One reason I home schooled my daughter after 5 years in this atmosphere (at which she excelled, btw) was because I did not want her to become a sullen grade-grubber, looking on learning as a means to an end instead of something of value just in and of itself. I would dearly love for her to join a sorority - but it's her life. It kills me sometimes to bite my tongue, but bite it I do.
It's very painful to see your child in pain at any age. I remember standing outside the ER door as my eldest had a spinal tap at the age of 6 months - and last year questioning what I had been thinking in allowing her to have her jaw surgery as they pushed her out of the or, hooked up to a morphine drip, swollen and unable to speak. But, you do what you have to do. When she ( or her sister, or brothers) is sad, or upset, I would give anything to keep that pain away from her, but I know she has to learn to deal with the negative emotions as well as the positive.
This summer my 18 year old went with her best friend to Oklahoma, a rock festival in Oklahoma. I didn't call her once, although she was kind enough to let me know when they arrived, and check in periodically. I had to slap my hand from making that call! But I've had 18 years to help her prepare for her life - so next Thursday it's off to college. I'll get her stuff in the dorm room, make the 3 hour trip home, and probably cry. A lot. And when I get a call from her about some boy who broke her heart, or a professor who seems to be picking on her, I will resist the urge to say "Where does he live? Can I kill him for you?" I'm not saying the thought won't cross my mind, but I know not to articulate it or act on it.
I really do sympathize with parents who are struggling to let go - but it's important that they do it.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by 33girl

srmom - I don't think SWTXbelle is accusing anyone in particular of helicoptering - just opening up a dialogue on what the term really means.

(Knock on wood) I've seen far fewer of the helicopter moms posting this year - it seems to mostly be worried parents who need a place to vent and express their worries (so they don't convey them to their child) as their kids go through rush. I don't think that's helicoptering at all. Helicoptering is the mom or dad who comes on here looking for recs for their daughter.

But no one's been cut out or dropped out of recruitment yet or matched to the "wrong" group.

That said, I don't think that every mom interested in how her daughter is doing during recruitment is a helicopter mom.

But here's the thing that I think parents over thirty should ask themselves: can you imagine your own parents doing the stuff that you are about to do. Unless you had especially neglectful parents, if the answer to the question is no, you are probably stepping into helicopter land.

I think parents tell themselves that life has changed in some profound way to justify doing things for their kids that parents didn't need to do in previous generations, and the truth is that no such change has really taken place. The world has always been dangerous and somewhat hostile. Schools have always had policies that didn't necessarily result in kids getting what they wanted. Desirable classes, clubs and activities have always excluded some worthy kids. It's not normal to think that you need to intervene to change the world to get your kid what your kid or you think your kid wants right then.

Simply because we have technology today that makes doing more for your kid easier doesn't mean that you should do it.

(And I'll say that I don't think getting recs for your daughter is new or helicopter-y really. I think recs have always been a game played with parental connection as much as personal connection to the girl. Now, contacting the people who do actually know your daughter (like teachers) rather than contacting people who primarily know you (like people you knew in college) is helicoptering because that's something your daughter should do.)

I also think a standard for helicoptering that would be very hard to recognize in one's self but that tends to be more transparent to other people is the motivation for the parental action. Are you doing stuff for your kid because you have no life and accomplishment of your own at present? At the point you are doing stuff for your kid because you live through your kid, you've got a problem. I'm going to add, although I want to make really clear that I'm not calling anyone on GreekChat out, that I think the spouses who stay at home but who are uprooted by their spouses career frequently are most at risk for this if they don't watch themselves. It's really easy in a new community if you don't work to let setting up your kid's life take over. And once everything you do is about the kid, the lines of healthy behavior are harder to see.

[SWTXBelle]

Just a thought - do you think smaller family size and fertility issues might be behind the helicopter phenomena?

Of course larger families cherish and love every child - but from a logistical standpoint, it would be far more difficult to helicopter 3 or more than it would be to do it to 1 or 2. Also, I think larger families require a higher level of child participation in the running of the household in most cases - that much laundry means the children learn early to do it, for example. (ETA- and of course, there are large families that helicopter, and singleton families that are not helicoptering - I'm making a general statement)

I bring up the fertility issue because I can see how going through all the pain, stress and economic issues to have a child might skew your thinking. The same thing with adoption - the process itself is so stressful that it might have an effect.

[GeekyPenguin]

I was a tour guide at my law school for the last three years. I am also young enough to probably be a millenial myself. That being said, here's a normal parent vs. a helicopter parent:

Normal Parent: Comes on a tour or to admitted students day or orientation. Parents and spouses are encouraged to attend these at our school, so this isn't too out of the norm. My mom didn't come to admitted students day because she wanted me to decide for myself without her influence, but I did bring my boyfriend to orientation. The parent will ask a few questions of the tour guide, like "Is my kid going to be safe in this city?" or "How did you cope with the stress of your first year?" Parent might even pull me aside while the prospective student is in the bathroom and ask a few questions that the prospie might find more embarassing to overhear. Throughout the day parent is quiet and taking in information, generally hanging back from the tour group. When I explain Bar Review (weekly social event), parent says to the kid "That sounds like a good way to make friends."

Helicopter Parent: Comes to a tour, admitted students day, and orientation. Stands in the front of the tour group at every stop, asks what professors the prospie should be sure to take, what section the parent should call the school and ask to have the student placed in, what clubs are available for "us" to join, etc. When I explain Bar Review, parent says to the group "Well my special Susie is a serious student and she would NEVER drink on a weeknight." Calls admissions office. Emails me with followup questions.

There is a huge difference between a normal, concerned, loving parent who wants to help their kid make a decision and a heli-parent who will be right there making every decision for them. These parents I encountered were parents of kids who had done well enough in college to get into law school, and the kids were all at least 21 or 22 now.

I'm also not even sure it has to do with age - there is a guy enrolling for next fall at my school who is only 18. His dad came to visit day because the student was a minor and couldn't get a hotel room to stay overnight, but his dad was really laid-back the whole day, and his only question was if somebody at the law school would be able to make sure his son was living in a safe neighborhood. I had other prospective students who were older than me (I'm 25) who had both parents there hovering over the whole time and telling me how good Wonderful Will's stats were.

[AGDee]

My mom told me one time, when I was a teenager (and it really stuck with me)...

"The hardest part about being a parent is that if you do your job right, your kids leave you"

Walking that line between helping them learn to be independent adults while dealing with your own difficulty in letting go of them is tough.

I think when you're actually dealing with/interacting with parents regularly, the difference between a healthy involved parent and a helicopter parent is clear. We have the capability of checking our kids assignments/grades online daily in our school district. I keep an eye on how my kids are doing, especially my son, who tends to miss assignments here and there. So, I check him. When he's missing something, I bug him to turn it in, talk to the teacher about it, etc. That's all I do. I have talked to parents who email or call the teachers themselves to get the kid excused from those assignments. Interestingly, it's my son who needs the prompts to talk to teachers if there is a problem and my daughter is the very independent child who handles everything herself. She's the oldest perhaps? She had good elementary teachers too, who she could always talk to. My son had some really bad experiences with elementary teachers so it may have instilled some difficulty. My son also has a harder time with anticipated change and always has. That first week of middle school was tough for him. I'm sure to point out to him how successful he was in spite of his fears about it all to make him see that change isn't bad. It's all about encouraging them to be independent though. I don't know if it's because I'm a single mom working full time and I need them to be more independent or what. They might call me at work asking if they can go do something and I will say something like "You'll need to find a ride" and they make the arrangements themselves. I don't have the time or energy to do it all for them.

I do think technology has made it easier. It was easy to make long distance calls when I was in college, when in the dorm room, but how often was I in my room? Plus, I couldn't afford the bill. It was very expensive, relative to today. My land line at home now has unlimited nationwide calling. That concept was totally foreign, and that was 25 years ago. I talked to my parents once a week and that was pretty much it.

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Just a thought - do you think smaller family size and fertility issues might be behind the helicopter phenomena?

Of course larger families cherish and love every child - but from a logistical standpoint, it would be far more difficult to helicopter 3 or more than it would be to do it to 1 or 2. Also, I think larger families require a higher level of child participation in the running of the household in most cases - that much laundry means the children learn early to do it, for example. (ETA- and of course, there are large families that helicopter, and singleton families that are not helicoptering - I'm making a general statement)

I bring up the fertility issue because I can see how going through all the pain, stress and economic issues to have a child might skew your thinking. The same thing with adoption - the process itself is so stressful that it might have an effect.

I think you might be on to something. I think SOMETIMES divorce/single parenthood brings out heliparentitis. A single parent becomes so attached to a child that they have trouble letting go because they don't want to be alone. And the child is so used to the attention that they don't understand why they aren't "special" to everyone else in the world.

[33girl]

I don't know. I am an only kid, of older parents, but they were more overprotective than helicoptering. IMO 2 different things. I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced, to ride a skateboard, to do some of the things the kids in my neighborhood did. Then again, I don't know anymore how much was my parents & how much was just me not being asked.

GP's story reminded me of something my mom told me when she came back from 7th grade open house. My friend D and I were both in "enrichment class" for brighter students in 5th/6th grade and our moms became good buds. Well get to jr high, everyone was asking questions and D's mom said "is this an accelerated class?" My mom said she was so embarrassed she wanted to fall through the floor.

Oh and t*p brought up a REALLY good point about the "everyone gets a trophy" bullshit. I got one trophy when I won a poster contest and STILL am proud of it. When that kind of reward is everyday, I don't know how you can cope with losing anything.

[srmom]

Are you doing stuff for your kid because you have no life and accomplishment of your own at present? At the point you are doing stuff for your kid because you live through your kid, you've got a problem

Funny that you said that - here's a story, back when my oldest was playing little league football (12 years ago, he was 10) he was on this awesome team. I was so involved, living, breathing this football thing. They went undefeated through the whole regular season and made it to the "big" championship bowl game, anyway, the team ended up losing in a really tight game. I was sick, literally sick to my stomach, after that game (meanwhile my son was more interested in the pizza party somebody was organizing). I was depressed for days, when I suddently had an epiphany, I was actually letting the performance of 10 year olds and my expectations of them effect my mental health!! How pathetic is that?!?

So, with my husband's encouragement and blessing (in terms of really helping out), I went back to competitive sailing. Suddenly, when I had something to look forward to that was MY OWN, not my kids, I was able to let go - this was a major step in getting away from the helicoptering. My kids have had to deal with Mommy being gone periodically when I go to events. They do fine without me and I think it has helped them gain independence (plus they are proud that their mom is doing something kind of cool).

As for the "parent portal" where you can look up grades. I never signed up for it. I knew, that as neurotic as I can be, I would be looking at it 20 times a day (look how much I'm on this silly site), so I have just trusted the kids to be honest about grades, knowing that at some point the report card would be coming home, so they'd be busted if they didn't let me know if they were struggling. When they have struggled and asked for help, I've found tutors for them (cuz I sure as heck can't do that stuff anymore - calculus - forget about it!!!). I also am the terrible mom who no longer does "curriculum night", once elementary school was over - I figured if a teacher really needs me, they know how to find me, I don't need face time with them (and hope I never need to meet them).

Now that 2 out of 3 of my kids are in college, I don't know what or how they're doing unless they tell me. Sometimes I wish I knew more, more often I want to put my fingers in my ears and say, "lalalalala I'm not hearing you" because my kids feel they can share any and all with us and some things are just TMI for a mom!!

Thinking about it, I don't think I'm a helicopter