What defines a helicopter parent?

[EE-BO]

I think we are suddenly seening so many HMs on GC since it is now obvious that they will be given a voice here they should not have. It is just like what happened when the AI forum promoted sorority shopping here- it eventually drew a crowd.

I am not a parent yet, but just from my life observations I think helicoptering is basically when a parent progressively resists the need to let a child make independent decisions and learn from mistakes. Such parents like to think they just love their kids and take better care of them than other parents, but that is a way to deny the very selfish and control-freak urge in them that thinks of children almost like pets in a way.

That is the mentality I have observed in friends of mine who had HMs.

I think it gets bad in sorority rush since that is a time when a young lady is expected to do her homework and present herself on her own merits and effort. Naturally an alumna parent can be in the background helping with recs and other tips- but when Mom actually starts making herself a visible presence is when I think a big line is crossed.

It could come in any form- be it coming here to whine or calling up nationals etc.- but the line is crossed, in my opinion, when Mom makes herself a visible presence at a point when she should not be in the picture at all.

[ComradesTrue]

Honestly, I think cell phones have a little bit to do with it, at least with college kids. Cell phones certainly aren't to blame for the whole problem, but can be a contributor of it.

Parents and children have become accomostomed to having immediate access with each other at any time of day. It is not uncommon to hear comments like "I talk to my mom/daughter at least 10 times a day." This shortens the cord considerably.

For those of us who were in school with either a line for a dorm phone or a regular phone in our dorm room (that charged long distance rates) calls were much more limited. I think I talked to my parents 1-2 times a week. Thus, I had to be virtually 100% independent at 18, solve my own problems, deal with life's difficulties, and basically just "grow up." I was on my own. It didn't mean I loved my parents less, it just meant that things were my responsiblity now.

I have posted this before, but the story is so appalling it bears repeating... I had a previous co-worker who had a son at a large university. He would call her- at work- upteen times a day, every day. On multiple occaisions he was upset about a grade and would ask her to call his professors to get the grade changed. And yes, she did it.

That is helicoptering. Stepping in and doing things for your child when developmentally they should be learning to do these things for themselves. But.. this is a perfect example that it can work both ways. Children learn that parents will do things for them and come to expect that. Oh the harsh realities when they go job searching!!

Back before that "immediate" parental/child access, the college student would have had no choice but to work out the grade issue themselves.

It is okay to love your child, want what is best for your child, and even be there to support your child. You can even hurt when your child is hurting. But... parents have to be willing to let their children experience disapointment, failure, and even pain. Constant attempts to shelter them from this, repeated efforts to do things for their children when the child should do for themselves, and blaming everyone *but* their child for problems are all symptoms of the FWAP/FWAP.

Great thread, SWTX.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by EE-BO

I think we are suddenly seening so many HMs on GC since it is now obvious that they will be given a voice here they should not have. It is just like what happened when the AI forum promoted sorority shopping here- it eventually drew a crowd.

I am not a parent yet, but just from my life observations I think helicoptering is basically when a parent progressively resists the need to let a child make independent decisions and learn from mistakes. Such parents like to think they just love their kids and take better care of them than other parents, but that is a way to deny the very selfish and control-freak urge in them that thinks of children almost like pets in a way.

That is the mentality I have observed in friends of mine who had HMs.

I think it gets bad in sorority rush since that is a time when a young lady is expected to do her homework and present herself on her own merits and effort. Naturally an alumna parent can be in the background helping with recs and other tips- but when Mom actually starts making herself a visible presence is when I think a big line is crossed.

It could come in any form- be it coming here to whine or calling up nationals etc.- but the line is crossed, in my opinion, when Mom makes herself a visible presence at a point when she should not be in the picture at all.

I agree.

Having Helimoms & dads are a big part of millennials' lives and how they were raised.

In t-ball, there were no "winners or losers".. everyone got participation trophies instead. The kids grew up so used to getting everything that all of a sudden when they are turned loose into the real world there are parents demanding to know why their precious top notch daughter got cut, or why their smart son didn't get the job he wanted.

Sorry to say, but that's life.

As a parent you don't want to see your kiddos hurt, but it's NOT your job to whine about it. It's your job to be there to support the kids going through their rough patch.

I think the line is cross like EE-BO said when the parent isn't just watching from the sidelines anymore. They're front and center - giving us the play by play of their stellar daughter/son's rush.

I think if those young men & women really wanted their story posted on the internet, they should be perfectly capable to post it themselves. They should also be perfectly capable to ask the questions they have ON THEIR OWN.

My parents did not take part in me looking at colleges. They told me to figure out which ones I was interested in and if I wanted to we'd go visit them. My mom didn't ask random questions on internet chat boards about recs or sororities or rush or anything. I told them I was interested in joining a sorority. My mom said "Great - tell us how that goes for you". My parents also did not take part in my job hunt after I graduated. Why? Because I am independent and capable of doing all those things for myself.