What defines a helicopter parent?

[SWTXBelle]

With all of the discussion here about helicopter parents, I've been doing some thinking about parenting and where to draw the line. It also doesn't help that I'm packing off my eldest to college in a few short days.

I think all parents have an impulse to help and protect their children. I also think that most parents understand that you have to, from the child's earliest days , step back and let them start to seperate from you.

As an example, toddlers often stumble and fall. They will look at their parents for cues as to whether or not to be upset. I taught myself to say "Bingo!" whenever one of mine fell down, so they quickly learned to brush themselves off and get up again. Had I run with an icepack and band-aid to them every time they fell, they would have taken their cue from me and cried and wailed at every little bump. My rule - no blood, no band-aid.

The problem is when parents don't think about it at all - they automatically run in to make everything better, without giving their kids a chance to solve their problems on their own.

It's easy to be critical of heliparents, and I certainly don't want to let them off the hook. I worry about a generation of adults who aren't used to acting as adults. But I also can acknowledge that it's tough as a parent.

How do you define a helicopter parent? And why do you think we are suddenly seeing so many?

[pbear19]

I would say a defining characteristic is a parent who does things for their child that their child could easily do themselves. Not because the child needs them to, sometimes not even because the child wants them to. But because the parent wants to. If the child is capable of handling a matter on their own, they should do so.

I remember many a time when I was a teenager that my life would have been simpler (and lazier?) if my parents had completed a task for me. They never let me off that easy, I always had to handle my own business.

Examples - parents researching colleges and narrowing down the choices/making the choice, researching greek life, calling an employer to arrange an interview, following up with an employer to find out why the child wasn't hired, etc. Some things are ok to do on your own, potentially, if you are really curious. But make the kid do the legwork themselves. If you want to research colleges to know what your kid is getting themselves into, then do it behind the scenes, so you can ask appropriate questions. Don't do all the research and then present the findings so the child doesn't have to it themselves.

(Disclaimer that I was raised to be very independent and always made my own decisions, so in some ways it's hard for me to empathize with the reasons another person wouldn't be capable of making their own decisions.)

[EE-BO]

I think we are suddenly seening so many HMs on GC since it is now obvious that they will be given a voice here they should not have. It is just like what happened when the AI forum promoted sorority shopping here- it eventually drew a crowd.

I am not a parent yet, but just from my life observations I think helicoptering is basically when a parent progressively resists the need to let a child make independent decisions and learn from mistakes. Such parents like to think they just love their kids and take better care of them than other parents, but that is a way to deny the very selfish and control-freak urge in them that thinks of children almost like pets in a way.

That is the mentality I have observed in friends of mine who had HMs.

I think it gets bad in sorority rush since that is a time when a young lady is expected to do her homework and present herself on her own merits and effort. Naturally an alumna parent can be in the background helping with recs and other tips- but when Mom actually starts making herself a visible presence is when I think a big line is crossed.

It could come in any form- be it coming here to whine or calling up nationals etc.- but the line is crossed, in my opinion, when Mom makes herself a visible presence at a point when she should not be in the picture at all.

[ComradesTrue]

Honestly, I think cell phones have a little bit to do with it, at least with college kids. Cell phones certainly aren't to blame for the whole problem, but can be a contributor of it.

Parents and children have become accomostomed to having immediate access with each other at any time of day. It is not uncommon to hear comments like "I talk to my mom/daughter at least 10 times a day." This shortens the cord considerably.

For those of us who were in school with either a line for a dorm phone or a regular phone in our dorm room (that charged long distance rates) calls were much more limited. I think I talked to my parents 1-2 times a week. Thus, I had to be virtually 100% independent at 18, solve my own problems, deal with life's difficulties, and basically just "grow up." I was on my own. It didn't mean I loved my parents less, it just meant that things were my responsiblity now.

I have posted this before, but the story is so appalling it bears repeating... I had a previous co-worker who had a son at a large university. He would call her- at work- upteen times a day, every day. On multiple occaisions he was upset about a grade and would ask her to call his professors to get the grade changed. And yes, she did it.

That is helicoptering. Stepping in and doing things for your child when developmentally they should be learning to do these things for themselves. But.. this is a perfect example that it can work both ways. Children learn that parents will do things for them and come to expect that. Oh the harsh realities when they go job searching!!

Back before that "immediate" parental/child access, the college student would have had no choice but to work out the grade issue themselves.

It is okay to love your child, want what is best for your child, and even be there to support your child. You can even hurt when your child is hurting. But... parents have to be willing to let their children experience disapointment, failure, and even pain. Constant attempts to shelter them from this, repeated efforts to do things for their children when the child should do for themselves, and blaming everyone *but* their child for problems are all symptoms of the FWAP/FWAP.

Great thread, SWTX.

[srmom]

You know, I may just be in a bad mood or something, but I'm really beginning to get sick of these Helicopter Mom threads. From my perspective, many of the moms who are being accused of helicoptering are not really doing so. They have come on to this "open" forum because their kids are rushing and they have questions. In most cases they are encouraged to post what's going on with their daughters, and then when they show the slightest worry or concern, they're accused of helicoptering. There are some who attack at the slightest sign of this - I'll call them Black Hawks, they are perfect fighting machines, and boy howdy, they'll shoot you down at the slightest sign of weakness.

As parents, sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we don't. Over a child's lifetime in your home, you basically have 18 years of decision making, hopefully you make more right ones than wrong. As for my own kids, I made worse decisions with the first one - probably helicoptering more than I should because I was a newbie and scared to make a mistake. I learned from him and have become much more standoffish with my other kids to the point that yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are) he's on his own. So what happens? He's sitting in the dark with no plumbing with me telling him, "It's your problem, you fix it, but I advise you to use your neighbors toilet for sanitary reasons."

Now, as to my oldest who I "helicoptered", he is a senior in college with a full time job, paying his own rent, utilities, and expenses - he never asks for help or money, he does everything on his own, so I guess my hovering didn't hurt him in the long run.

All the judging could possibly be way off base, and if this forum should be restricted to only those without children or those who only post the "right" responses, then perhaps moderators should block them.

[Kasey383]

i definitely agree I think cell phones have a big thing to do with it

[pbear19]

srmom - from my perspective, I think that perhaps if we had a better definition of what a helicopter parent is, which this thread should allow, then we might just have fewer instances of people being accused of helicoptering when they in fact are not. I think this thread could be very helpful.

There are moms on this board that are definitely not helicopter moms, but it's still hard for some of us who are really independent to appreciate where they are coming from. I think this thread might alleviate some of the stigma of being a mom on GC in general, if it plays out.

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by srmom

yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are) ...

Love it!

[ComradesTrue]

Originally Posted by pbear19

srmom - from my perspective, I think that perhaps if we had a better definition of what a helicopter parent is, which this thread should allow, then we might just have fewer instances of people being accused of helicoptering when they in fact are not. I think this thread could be very helpful.

There are moms on this board that are definitely not helicopter moms, but it's still hard for some of us who are really independent to appreciate where they are coming from. I think this thread might alleviate some of the stigma of being a mom on GC in general, if it plays out.

well said.

I was working on my own response to srmom, but you said it best.

ETA: I also agree that some of the current moms are certainly not helicoptering, but I can also appreciate that long-time GCers have been subjected to those who were, which can make one skeptical of all moms who show up for the first time during recruitment season. Does it make it right? No. But, I can see both sides of the issue.

[33girl]

srmom - I don't think SWTXbelle is accusing anyone in particular of helicoptering - just opening up a dialogue on what the term really means.

(Knock on wood) I've seen far fewer of the helicopter moms posting this year - it seems to mostly be worried parents who need a place to vent and express their worries (so they don't convey them to their child) as their kids go through rush. I don't think that's helicoptering at all. Helicoptering is the mom or dad who comes on here looking for recs for their daughter.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by srmom

You know, I may just be in a bad mood or something, but I'm really beginning to get sick of these Helicopter Mom threads. From my perspective, many of the moms who are being accused of helicoptering are not really doing so. They have come on to this "open" forum because their kids are rushing and they have questions. In most cases they are encouraged to post what's going on with their daughters, and then when they show the slightest worry or concern, they're accused of helicoptering. There are some who attack at the slightest sign of this - I'll call them Black Hawks, they are perfect fighting machines, and boy howdy, they'll shoot you down at the slightest sign of weakness.

As parents, sometimes we make the right decisions and sometimes we don't. Over a child's lifetime in your home, you basically have 18 years of decision making, hopefully you make more right ones than wrong. As for my own kids, I made worse decisions with the first one - probably helicoptering more than I should because I was a newbie and scared to make a mistake. I learned from him and have become much more standoffish with my other kids to the point that yesterday, after my middle son had moved into his place in Austin, where he hadn't bothered to have the electricity or water turned on (but he DID remember to set up cable - shows where his priorities are) he's on his own. So what happens? He's sitting in the dark with no plumbing with me telling him, "It's your problem, you fix it, but I advise you to use your neighbors toilet for sanitary reasons."

Now, as to my oldest who I "helicoptered", he is a senior in college with a full time job, paying his own rent, utilities, and expenses - he never asks for help or money, he does everything on his own, so I guess my hovering didn't hurt him in the long run.

All the judging could possibly be way off base, and if this forum should be restricted to only those without children or those who only post the "right" responses, then perhaps moderators should block them.

I don't really think of "helicoptering" that way, at all.

When I think of helicoptering, particularly in terms of Greek Chat, I'm reminded of those moms who do things like call individual chapters or the Greek Life office when their daughters get cut. Or the moms who can't be excited for their daughters when they do get a bid because they're still busy sulking over the fact that their daughters got cut from a different chapter. Clearly there is a huge difference between this and sanitary plumbing conditions. Srmom, your examples remind me more of a parent who is being helpful while some of the helimoms we've seen on GC in the past have been just awful examples for their children.

Another example is one I've seen in the dance world. I've danced and cheered my whole life, and when I was helping to coach my old high school team, I was on the receiving end of the bad behavior from helimoms. These women (well...and men, too, since there was one dad who was pretty obnoxious) would be up in arms if their daughter didn't get to be front and center 100% of the time. Of course they did it in the name of wanting what was best for their child, but the obnoxious behavior that they displayed was anything but helpful. Meanwhile, there were the moms who were extremely positively supportive (hosting spaghetti dinners, arranging carpools, always cheering the girls on) and no one thought of these parents as helimoms at all.

[Dionysus]

My parents are totally helicopter parents, and I knew this way before society created a name for it.

Here's some examples:
-Didn't want me to move out when I was younger, because they were scared that any roomates I had would take advantage of me...or if I lived alone, I would become a target for sexual assault from some perv.
-I recieve texts and/or phone calls from my mother several times a day when I go on road trips, it gets worse at night. She also tried to talk me out of driving on the last road trip, because it was my first time driving over 3 hours from home. Mind you, I'm closer to 30 than 20.
-I often conceal the location of my weekend plans, if they are downtown or near by...because my father would want to drop me off. He believes "the streets" will chew me up and spit me out.
-My mother is a college instructor, her students range anywhere from 18-35, in other words many of her students are my age or close. She sees this as an opportunity for her to pick potential boyfriends and female platonic friends for me. It was cool when I first began undergrad at my own college and didn't know anyone, but it didn't stop after I found friends. I believe she thinks she's a better judge of character or something.

The underlying reason for their behavior is that they believe that I am an innocent naive fragile little flower that needs their protection from the nasty nasty world. It doesn't help that my grandmother was very overprotective of my mother, when she was growing up, in fact it was a lot worse. I think my mother is imitating my grandmother's behavior to a degree. As for my father, he found himself in a lot of trouble when he was my age and a little younger, and he is scared that I'll follow in his footsteps.

I think my folks' concerns are legitimate, but I am grown and I believe I have good enough judegment to keep myself out of most unpleasant situations. I do engage in mild risk-taking behavior, but who doesn't in their 20s? Most people live to tell about it and most of us know our limitations. Life is about taking risks, hell, doing nothing and playing it too safe is taking a risk...because you can miss out on great opportunities.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Kasey383

i definitely agree I think cell phones have a big thing to do with it

Oh, it was happening long before cell phones. The helipcopter moms of Boy Scouts in our troop (30 years ago) used to drive my father crazy. In my experience, you can often pick out the helicopter-parents-to-be when the kids are in kindergarten. (See SWTXBelle's falling down example. Or go to a kid's soccer game.)

As a parent, I agree with srmom, at least up to a point. I think there is a big difference, for example, between

(1) the mom or dad who comes to GC with questions to better understand how rush/recruitment works, what's involved, how it's changed since they were in school, etc., so that they have a good point of reference when talking with their children and can be a good parental sounding board if asked and if appropriate; and

(2) the mom or dad who are running the show for the kids and don't wait to be asked or worry about whether they're keeping the kids from making their own decisions and their own mistakes.

The former parents know when to say "you've got to figure this out/take care of this yourself." The latter don't.

[ThetaDancer]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

As an example, toddlers often stumble and fall. They will look at their parents for cues as to whether or not to be upset. I taught myself to say "Bingo!" whenever one of mine fell down, so they quickly learned to brush themselves off and get up again. Had I run with an icepack and band-aid to them every time they fell, they would have taken their cue from me and cried and wailed at every little bump. My rule - no blood, no band-aid.

This reminded me of a kid I used to babysit for who was top-heavy (had the biggest head in the world and a normal sized body). He would always fall down but never seriously get hurt and he would then look to me to decide if he should be upset or not. I made a point of saying things like "WOW! Wasn't that fun??? Such an adventure!" He would just laugh and carry on until the next time it happened.

[ForeverRoses]

I totally see a distinction between helicopter parent and worried parent.

In terms of recruitment, for me, and helicopter parent is one that found all the recs (and beats themselves up if they missed one), filled out all the forms and sent in everything themselves. They are also trying to tell their daughter what groups to go back to no matter what the kid wants.

A worried parent would have helped (but not taken the lead) get recs, reminded daughter to make sure to send everything in on time, and then is a sympathetic ear for the daughter when she is trying to make the decisions on her own. If the parent is greek, they might have tried to explain the system to their daughter.

I don't think helicopter parents are a new thing, I just think it is easier for parents to helicopter now with cell phones and the internet. When I was in college, helicoptering was limited to calling the dorm room phone. In fact my in-laws were total helicopter parents- they even tried once to ground my sister-in-law while she was away at college (it obviously didn't work). They told her she could go to class, the dining hall, and the library but other than that she had to be in her room. They would call the room periodically to make sure she was there, but her roomate would cover for her if she wasn't.