What defines a helicopter parent?

[SWTXBelle]

Just a thought - do you think smaller family size and fertility issues might be behind the helicopter phenomena?

Of course larger families cherish and love every child - but from a logistical standpoint, it would be far more difficult to helicopter 3 or more than it would be to do it to 1 or 2. Also, I think larger families require a higher level of child participation in the running of the household in most cases - that much laundry means the children learn early to do it, for example. (ETA- and of course, there are large families that helicopter, and singleton families that are not helicoptering - I'm making a general statement)

I bring up the fertility issue because I can see how going through all the pain, stress and economic issues to have a child might skew your thinking. The same thing with adoption - the process itself is so stressful that it might have an effect.

[GeekyPenguin]

I was a tour guide at my law school for the last three years. I am also young enough to probably be a millenial myself. That being said, here's a normal parent vs. a helicopter parent:

Normal Parent: Comes on a tour or to admitted students day or orientation. Parents and spouses are encouraged to attend these at our school, so this isn't too out of the norm. My mom didn't come to admitted students day because she wanted me to decide for myself without her influence, but I did bring my boyfriend to orientation. The parent will ask a few questions of the tour guide, like "Is my kid going to be safe in this city?" or "How did you cope with the stress of your first year?" Parent might even pull me aside while the prospective student is in the bathroom and ask a few questions that the prospie might find more embarassing to overhear. Throughout the day parent is quiet and taking in information, generally hanging back from the tour group. When I explain Bar Review (weekly social event), parent says to the kid "That sounds like a good way to make friends."

Helicopter Parent: Comes to a tour, admitted students day, and orientation. Stands in the front of the tour group at every stop, asks what professors the prospie should be sure to take, what section the parent should call the school and ask to have the student placed in, what clubs are available for "us" to join, etc. When I explain Bar Review, parent says to the group "Well my special Susie is a serious student and she would NEVER drink on a weeknight." Calls admissions office. Emails me with followup questions.

There is a huge difference between a normal, concerned, loving parent who wants to help their kid make a decision and a heli-parent who will be right there making every decision for them. These parents I encountered were parents of kids who had done well enough in college to get into law school, and the kids were all at least 21 or 22 now.

I'm also not even sure it has to do with age - there is a guy enrolling for next fall at my school who is only 18. His dad came to visit day because the student was a minor and couldn't get a hotel room to stay overnight, but his dad was really laid-back the whole day, and his only question was if somebody at the law school would be able to make sure his son was living in a safe neighborhood. I had other prospective students who were older than me (I'm 25) who had both parents there hovering over the whole time and telling me how good Wonderful Will's stats were.

[AGDee]

My mom told me one time, when I was a teenager (and it really stuck with me)...

"The hardest part about being a parent is that if you do your job right, your kids leave you"

Walking that line between helping them learn to be independent adults while dealing with your own difficulty in letting go of them is tough.

I think when you're actually dealing with/interacting with parents regularly, the difference between a healthy involved parent and a helicopter parent is clear. We have the capability of checking our kids assignments/grades online daily in our school district. I keep an eye on how my kids are doing, especially my son, who tends to miss assignments here and there. So, I check him. When he's missing something, I bug him to turn it in, talk to the teacher about it, etc. That's all I do. I have talked to parents who email or call the teachers themselves to get the kid excused from those assignments. Interestingly, it's my son who needs the prompts to talk to teachers if there is a problem and my daughter is the very independent child who handles everything herself. She's the oldest perhaps? She had good elementary teachers too, who she could always talk to. My son had some really bad experiences with elementary teachers so it may have instilled some difficulty. My son also has a harder time with anticipated change and always has. That first week of middle school was tough for him. I'm sure to point out to him how successful he was in spite of his fears about it all to make him see that change isn't bad. It's all about encouraging them to be independent though. I don't know if it's because I'm a single mom working full time and I need them to be more independent or what. They might call me at work asking if they can go do something and I will say something like "You'll need to find a ride" and they make the arrangements themselves. I don't have the time or energy to do it all for them.

I do think technology has made it easier. It was easy to make long distance calls when I was in college, when in the dorm room, but how often was I in my room? Plus, I couldn't afford the bill. It was very expensive, relative to today. My land line at home now has unlimited nationwide calling. That concept was totally foreign, and that was 25 years ago. I talked to my parents once a week and that was pretty much it.

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

Just a thought - do you think smaller family size and fertility issues might be behind the helicopter phenomena?

Of course larger families cherish and love every child - but from a logistical standpoint, it would be far more difficult to helicopter 3 or more than it would be to do it to 1 or 2. Also, I think larger families require a higher level of child participation in the running of the household in most cases - that much laundry means the children learn early to do it, for example. (ETA- and of course, there are large families that helicopter, and singleton families that are not helicoptering - I'm making a general statement)

I bring up the fertility issue because I can see how going through all the pain, stress and economic issues to have a child might skew your thinking. The same thing with adoption - the process itself is so stressful that it might have an effect.

I think you might be on to something. I think SOMETIMES divorce/single parenthood brings out heliparentitis. A single parent becomes so attached to a child that they have trouble letting go because they don't want to be alone. And the child is so used to the attention that they don't understand why they aren't "special" to everyone else in the world.

[33girl]

I don't know. I am an only kid, of older parents, but they were more overprotective than helicoptering. IMO 2 different things. I wasn't allowed to get my ears pierced, to ride a skateboard, to do some of the things the kids in my neighborhood did. Then again, I don't know anymore how much was my parents & how much was just me not being asked.

GP's story reminded me of something my mom told me when she came back from 7th grade open house. My friend D and I were both in "enrichment class" for brighter students in 5th/6th grade and our moms became good buds. Well get to jr high, everyone was asking questions and D's mom said "is this an accelerated class?" My mom said she was so embarrassed she wanted to fall through the floor.

Oh and t*p brought up a REALLY good point about the "everyone gets a trophy" bullshit. I got one trophy when I won a poster contest and STILL am proud of it. When that kind of reward is everyday, I don't know how you can cope with losing anything.