Adopting a Snowflake

[carnation]

[honeychile]

One of my closest sisters was unable to conceive, and her husband's religion didn't allow for IVF, so they decided to adopt. KSUViolet described the situation SOO well, I won't repeat it, only where Sister lives (San Diego County), the definition of a healthy white baby is one who is ONLY addicted to cocaine. They decided to try international adoption.

After passing all of the psychological and other tests, they were sent a catalog (for lack of a better word) of available children. They saw 2 sisters, 10 months & 2 years old, and fell in love. They were approved, and it was off to Romania!

Only to find out the FIVE couples were approved for these sisters! If that wasn't bad enough, these two children became unavailable because their mother showed up. Like the other four couples, they decided not to leave without a baby. They found a 2 year old girl, and adopted her.

Sister & her husband have money and haves PhDs. Daughter got the best of everything, including education, and life was good.

Fast-forward to sixth grade. Sister & Husband were called in to talk to the school psychologist. Daughter was high functioning, but would never be able to live alone. You see, before she was adopted, Daughter had never had anything to eat other than cold milk and orange juice. She had never been out of a crib. So, while she was healthy physically, the deprivation of much needed nutrition didn't allow her brain to function properly.

Daughter is now 20. She is absolutely beautiful, very polite, and tries very hard. But she cannot process problems, so she can't drive, or do anything that takes a quick decision. Sister & Husband wouldn't have missed the opportunity to raise a child, but occasionally, something slips that makes you realize that they worry about Daughter's future. What will happen when they're gone? Will some man take advantage of her?

I'm not against international adoption, but I do think that, at least in Sister's case, there needs to be more honesty. Who would have thought that a two-year-old would have never eaten, or been out of a crib?

Anytime someone has a child, no matter how it's conceived, there's a possibility of problems. If you can't handle that thought, you really shouldn't be having children in any way!

[pinkyphimu]

My friend has used IVF to conceive two of her children. She had two eggs left from her last cycle..two years ago. She and her husband decided to implant them recently even knowing that the likelihood they would be viable was very low. Well, she is pregnant with twins. They knew they didn't want to donate the eggs. I know it cost them a fortune over the last 7 years to have these children. They are very happy, but it is not an easy or inexpensive road. From my understanding, the people who would be potential adopters for the eggs were couples who failed in IVF. At least with her doctor, some couple off the street couldn't walk in and request to adopt a snowflake!

As far as the adoption route, I have worked with several students who were adopted from abroad. They have what is considered institutional autism. Their upbringing in the orphanage without social contact has significantly impacted their ability to interact with others, maintain appropriate behavior (e.g. not becoming aggressive or self-injurious) when things don't go the way they want, etc., etc. And the families have suffered significantly as well. Most of the couples are divorced.

Another friend fostered a girl for over a year before she was able to adopt her. She had been told she had ADHD. Well, now that he has reached school age, she is demonstrating significant behavioral difficulties which are indicative of something more than ADHD. My friend is working with the school, the post-adoptive agency, and other resources to help her daughter. In a lot of ways, my friend is prepared to help her...a master's in severe special needs education...and over 10 years experience with children with significant behavioral needs. Not all families are that lucky!

I think there is a fairy tale ideal that most people believe will happen when you consider adoption, but that is not true.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by carnation

Aw, now I'm disappointed. It's ok, next time you can care less.

Originally Posted by honeychile

Anytime someone has a child, no matter how it's conceived, there's a possibility of problems. If you can't handle that thought, you really shouldn't be having children in any way!

Agreed 100% And I'd like to see more resources available in the communities for parents of children with RAD, developmental delays, physical or mental disabilities, etc. Otherwise you end up with overwhelmed, burnt out parents lacking education or ability to handle a child with those needs.

[carnation]

A lot of these "snowflake" agencies have pages where you can look at the embryos' original parents' information to help you decide which ones you might like to give birth to. Interestingly, most original parents don't care very much which race the adoptive parents are; they're looking at other things!

Most states now require that potential snowflake adopters have a homestudy first.

[Mevara]

Originally Posted by carnation

Most states now require that potential snowflake adopters have a homestudy first.

I find it interesting that to adopt a baby or to adopt a snowflake you need to have a homestudy but anyone can go willy nilly and have children of their own.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Mevara

I find it interesting that to adopt a baby or to adopt a snowflake you need to have a homestudy but anyone can go willy nilly and have children of their own.

Because adoption is a formal process whereas conceiving through fertile-item-meets-fertile-vagina is an informal process.

The day that the North American government requires homestudies for traditional conception is the day that we should go back to sterilizing those who are deemed unworthy of conceiving. Mentally challenged, impoverished, physically disabled, and some racial and ethnic minorities--let's stop you now before you breed more of you!

[greekdee]

Originally Posted by Mevara

I find it interesting that to adopt a baby or to adopt a snowflake you need to have a homestudy but anyone can go willy nilly and have children of their own.

We were required to have a Home Study done. We also had social workers go through our house from top to bottom to make sure our home was safe and child-friendly. We were fingerprinted by our local sheriff's office AND by the FBI. (You would think the FBI check would kind of cover everything background-wise, huh?) Anyway, we underwent a full background check, credit check...bank statements and tax returns had to be handed over...employment and salary verification was required...had complete medical evaluations, including testing for HIV, TB, and every hepatitis in the alphabet... had to get mental evaluations, show proof of marriage and provide numerous letters of reference.

Meanwhile, our neighbor's 18-year-old meth-addicted daughter got pregnant and had a baby, no questions asked.

If the US foster care system and child service programs (which suck, at least where I am) were half as strict and in-depth as the Ukraine is about adopting, maybe so many American kids would not fall through the cracks..