Adopting a Snowflake - Page 4

carnation · #46 10-16-2011, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Yes, so does "batshit crazy." Neither of these are phrases that we would encourage people to call their children. The "adoption community" is pretty obviously NOT mental health professionals, and they shouldn't have to be, but they should be aware of what they're saying. And perhaps, more importantly, be aware that their children will read it or something like it one day.

The adoption community includes adoptive parents, birthparents, adoptive children, and all professionals who work with them, including in a big way mental health professionals. No one--but no one--cares if you think it's a proper term. Sometimes intense terms must be used, and not only in the adoption field, to describe the depth of what has been done to some children. Although no one uses these terms around the children, they are certainly used because if you had seen what many of us have seen, you would not be able to come up with a synonym for it. If no one has tried to do that in the last several years of selecting better names for certain terms (i.e., "mentally handicapped" instead of retarded), it''s probably not going to happen.

Until then, DF, you can go blathering on as usual about a field you know nothing about and making a fool of yourself as well as the joke of private messages ("OMG, go to the ________ Forum, get a load of Drole's verbal diarrhea.")

33girl · #47 10-16-2011, 09:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by greekdee

As for Carnation's use of the word "damaged", she's right -- it is a frequently used term within the adoption realm.

I don't think anyone objected to "damaged" at all, I think they objected to:

Quote:

the number of actual available children was 313. And who knows what condition those children were in?

Drolefille · #48 10-16-2011, 10:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

The adoption community includes adoptive parents, birthparents, adoptive children, and all professionals who work with them, including in a big way mental health professionals. No one--but no one--cares if you think it's a proper term. Sometimes intense terms must be used, and not only in the adoption field, to describe the depth of what has been done to some children. Although no one uses these terms around the children, they are certainly used because if you had seen what many of us have seen, you would not be able to come up with a synonym for it. If no one has tried to do that in the last several years of selecting better names for certain terms (i.e., "mentally handicapped" instead of retarded), it''s probably not going to happen.

You seem to care an awful lot about what I say.

And you also seem to think that adoptees don't exist in the forums where adoptive parents write/speak/read etc. How many adoptees are reading your words now?

Quote:

Until then, DF, you can go blathering on as usual about a field you know nothing about and making a fool of yourself as well as the joke of private messages ("OMG, go to the ________ Forum, get a load of Drole's verbal diarrhea.")

Oh no, not the private messages! Anything but that!

You call people trash and talk about children like they're furniture (oh and what was that about your daughters not being allowed to join certain GLOs?). Pardon me if I don't nominate you for the sainthood or give a shit about how you fill your PM box.

carnation · #49 10-16-2011, 10:38 AM

lol! Whatever.

Drolefille · #50 10-16-2011, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

lol! Whatever.

You're really not convincing me that you don't care. But take your cookie for trying.

carnation · #51 10-16-2011, 11:07 AM

Drole--I don't care.

You're not even a blip on my horizon!

Drolefille · #52 10-16-2011, 11:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

Drole--I don't care.

You're not even a blip on my horizon!

Suuuuuuure.
Quick send all your friends a PM to let them know you got me with that zinger!

carnation · #53 10-16-2011, 11:27 AM

I don't have to. You do a good job of making yourself look bad.

Drolefille · #54 10-16-2011, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

I don't have to. You do a good job of making yourself look bad.

Try not to care about me a little harder this time. You can do it! I believe in you!

carnation · #55 10-16-2011, 11:45 AM

honeychile · #56 10-16-2011, 12:29 PM

One of my closest sisters was unable to conceive, and her husband's religion didn't allow for IVF, so they decided to adopt. KSUViolet described the situation SOO well, I won't repeat it, only where Sister lives (San Diego County), the definition of a healthy white baby is one who is ONLY addicted to cocaine. They decided to try international adoption.

After passing all of the psychological and other tests, they were sent a catalog (for lack of a better word) of available children. They saw 2 sisters, 10 months & 2 years old, and fell in love. They were approved, and it was off to Romania!

Only to find out the FIVE couples were approved for these sisters! If that wasn't bad enough, these two children became unavailable because their mother showed up. Like the other four couples, they decided not to leave without a baby. They found a 2 year old girl, and adopted her.

Sister & her husband have money and haves PhDs. Daughter got the best of everything, including education, and life was good.

Fast-forward to sixth grade. Sister & Husband were called in to talk to the school psychologist. Daughter was high functioning, but would never be able to live alone. You see, before she was adopted, Daughter had never had anything to eat other than cold milk and orange juice. She had never been out of a crib. So, while she was healthy physically, the deprivation of much needed nutrition didn't allow her brain to function properly.

Daughter is now 20. She is absolutely beautiful, very polite, and tries very hard. But she cannot process problems, so she can't drive, or do anything that takes a quick decision. Sister & Husband wouldn't have missed the opportunity to raise a child, but occasionally, something slips that makes you realize that they worry about Daughter's future. What will happen when they're gone? Will some man take advantage of her?

I'm not against international adoption, but I do think that, at least in Sister's case, there needs to be more honesty. Who would have thought that a two-year-old would have never eaten, or been out of a crib?

Anytime someone has a child, no matter how it's conceived, there's a possibility of problems. If you can't handle that thought, you really shouldn't be having children in any way!

KSUViolet06 · #57 10-16-2011, 01:16 PM

^^^What you're describing is really common practice in certain countries. In their orphanages, kids spend 24 hours/day in their cribs. No one picks them up. They don't get ANY sort of stimulation and they don't get the proper nutrition. Their brains just don't get the chance to develop the way it should, and it leads to some pretty serious developmental delays/disabilities. Sometimes, if the child is young enough, they can "catch up" (with the help of speech therapists, intervention specialists at school, etc.) but if they've been in that environment for too long, the damage is more pervasive.

pinkyphimu · #58 10-16-2011, 01:47 PM

My friend has used IVF to conceive two of her children. She had two eggs left from her last cycle..two years ago. She and her husband decided to implant them recently even knowing that the likelihood they would be viable was very low. Well, she is pregnant with twins. They knew they didn't want to donate the eggs. I know it cost them a fortune over the last 7 years to have these children. They are very happy, but it is not an easy or inexpensive road. From my understanding, the people who would be potential adopters for the eggs were couples who failed in IVF. At least with her doctor, some couple off the street couldn't walk in and request to adopt a snowflake!

As far as the adoption route, I have worked with several students who were adopted from abroad. They have what is considered institutional autism. Their upbringing in the orphanage without social contact has significantly impacted their ability to interact with others, maintain appropriate behavior (e.g. not becoming aggressive or self-injurious) when things don't go the way they want, etc., etc. And the families have suffered significantly as well. Most of the couples are divorced.

Another friend fostered a girl for over a year before she was able to adopt her. She had been told she had ADHD. Well, now that he has reached school age, she is demonstrating significant behavioral difficulties which are indicative of something more than ADHD. My friend is working with the school, the post-adoptive agency, and other resources to help her daughter. In a lot of ways, my friend is prepared to help her...a master's in severe special needs education...and over 10 years experience with children with significant behavioral needs. Not all families are that lucky!

I think there is a fairy tale ideal that most people believe will happen when you consider adoption, but that is not true.

Drolefille · #59 10-16-2011, 02:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by carnation

Aw, now I'm disappointed. It's ok, next time you can care less.

Quote:

Originally Posted by honeychile

Anytime someone has a child, no matter how it's conceived, there's a possibility of problems. If you can't handle that thought, you really shouldn't be having children in any way!

Agreed 100% And I'd like to see more resources available in the communities for parents of children with RAD, developmental delays, physical or mental disabilities, etc. Otherwise you end up with overwhelmed, burnt out parents lacking education or ability to handle a child with those needs.

KSUViolet06 · #60 10-16-2011, 02:23 PM

^^^True story. A lot of times people think that all they need is to be able to love a child, all they need is love/etc. and everything will be ponies and rainbows. Not so. They have good intentions and really do want to be parents of kids with special needs, but it takes SO much more than your love and patience. A lot more.