Adopting a Snowflake

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by greekdee

I agree 110 percent with everything Carnation has said. One of my children is adopted from the Ukraine -- he was 7-years-old when we adopted him and is 15 now. He is a wonderful young man and such a blessing to our family. We can not imagine life without him............

Cool.

HOWEVER

Not everybody has a positive experience with adoption. We became friendly with a family in our community who also adopted from the Ukraine a few years before we did. In this case, a 10-year-old boy who was very gregarious and loving when they met him at the orphanage, but turned into a terror within weeks of coming into their home. He was VERY physically violent towards the adoptive mother and other children in the home (two biological, three adopted), pushed their grandmother down the steps, tried to strangle the family cats, started fires inside the house several times and became a chronic runaway. He had a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), meaning he was not able to bond with people and was most likely a full-fledged sociopath. They tried everything to help this child and make him part of the family. Psychologists finally determined that this boy could not function or survive in a normal, typical family. They ended up getting him re-adopted by another family -- a pastor and his wife in California who had adopted 15 boys with RAD...it was like their mission or calling. They had little success with helping him, though. He did manage a slight relationship with the pastor, but completely blew off the wife. He was extremely promiscuous as a teenager, had several drug overdoes, lied, stole, you name it.

Don't think anyone will deny such things.

It is tragic beyond words, but he had been so neglected and so abused in early childhood, that he had emotionally shut down and there was no reaching him. It is a sad, sad situation that you see sometimes in the world of adoption. Well meaning people with huge hearts want to ride in and be the white knight who saves these children, thinking love will be enough. Well, they can't and it's not. Sometimes the affects from abuse and neglect are just too deep and devastating.

I don't think anyone is past receiving help, but it isn't something that every family or even that any family can do safely or at all.

As for Carnation's use of the word "damaged", she's right -- it is a frequently used term within the adoption realm.

Which doesn't make it right. But that really wasn't the only phrasing objected to.

I also agree that it is used to impart just how deeply scarred some children are from abuse and neglect.

Yes, so does "batshit crazy." Neither of these are phrases that we would encourage people to call their children. The "adoption community" is pretty obviously NOT mental health professionals, and they shouldn't have to be, but they should be aware of what they're saying. And perhaps, more importantly, be aware that their children will read it or something like it one day.

Potential parents need to be real about it...not entertain fantasies about whisking a child from an orphanage or foster care, lavishing them with love and we all live happily ever after. You hope and pray it works out, and do everything you can to promote, nurture and support such an outcome, but sometimes it doesn't happen, no matter what you do. People also have to realize that adoption is not always just about them and the child. It impacts everyone in their household, and beyond it to an extent. There is so much that has to be taken into account, and people willing to try to give a child a better life deserve to know exactly what they may be facing so that they can properly prepare.

All still true.

Trust me, the word "damaged" as a descriptive term is nothing compared to what you'll see and hear once you begin the long and winding road of international adoption. (Can't speak for domestic, since I have not gone that route). Tragic stories, appalling conditions, pathetic adults, greed, corruption...oh, it is not for the faint of heart. It was, without a doubt, the biggest step of faith I have ever taken in my life.

And it's awesome that you did. However that doesn't make talking about the condition of a child as if she were a sofa on Craigslist a good thing.