Adopting a Snowflake

[33girl]

Originally Posted by greekdee

Okay, you guys need to clue me in -- I'm not getting what is so disturbing about the word "condition."

It wasn't one word, it was the whole phrase.

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

That type of interaction would have NEVER happened when say, my mom was a teen. They had the stories of girls getting pregnant and "going away" for 9 months. Then coming back after having given up their babies for adoption. No one ever talked about it. They never got to see their kids (until years later when they were adults.) It was all very hush hush and adoptive parents wouldnt dream of speaking to the birth mom. They got the bare minimum of info about the parents because everything was so discreet.

Closed adoptions have NEVER prevented the mother from telling the (usually) doctor who's facilitating the adoption "I have a family history of breast cancer, my dad's dad had a heart condition, etc etc." If the woman didn't share that, it's because she didn't know herself. If she was impregnated by a man she never saw again, it's pretty hard to know what his medical history is.

My cousin is adopted. It was through the family doctor and supposedly (this is what someone started to tell my mom in the grocery store one day, but she put her hands over her ears and said LALALALALALA) the mother was a teenage daughter from a prominent family in town. He has never had any interest in knowing who his bio parents were - I'm probably more curious about it than he is, just by virtue of writing this post. I know that there were some other cases where people wanted to keep adoptions closed, but they had to tell the kids because of the fear that they'd end up dating their half-siblings.

Have the information on file, but you don't have to look at it if you don't want to. I almost think that things have swung too far the other way nowadays, and there's a pressure to keep things open even if one or several of the parties (birth parents, adoptive parents, child) would really rather not.

[carnation]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Closed adoptions have NEVER prevented the mother from telling the (usually) doctor who's facilitating the adoption "I have a family history of breast cancer, my dad's dad had a heart condition, etc etc." If the woman didn't share that, it's because she didn't know herself. If she was impregnated by a man she never saw again, it's pretty hard to know what his medical history is.

They haven't- but hardly any adoptees I know have any medical history, be they domestic or international adoptees. A lot of adoptions go like this: "here's an apparently healthy kid, do you want to adopt him/her?" And people are so desperate for a baby that they don't ask any questions.

Sometimes the adoptive parents or adoptees do get some medical history later on. We had none on one of our girls at first but were able to get in touch with her birthfamily; good thing, because her birthdad died of diabetes in his 40s so she knows she needs to watch for it. (And now we are all big buddies with them on Facebook, haha.)

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by 33girl

My cousin is adopted. It was through the family doctor and supposedly (this is what someone started to tell my mom in the grocery store one day, but she put her hands over her ears and said LALALALALALA) the mother was a teenage daughter from a prominent family in town. He has never had any interest in knowing who his bio parents were - I'm probably more curious about it than he is, just by virtue of writing this post. I know that there were some other cases where people wanted to keep adoptions closed, but they had to tell the kids because of the fear that they'd end up dating their half-siblings.

Have the information on file, but you don't have to look at it if you don't want to. I almost think that things have swung too far the other way nowadays, and there's a pressure to keep things open even if one or several of the parties (birth parents, adoptive parents, child) would really rather not.

The operative phrase here is "through the family doctor." In smallish towns, there might be a lot of information (either confirmed or hearsay) about the birthparents. In locations where girls went out of town to have the baby, the information is very, very scant.

My HS Spanish teacher was very open about having given her daughter up for adoption--it was one of those old-style closed adoption where she gave birth and never saw the baby again. The girl reached out to her when she turned 18; they weren't been able to find the birth father at all.

Originally Posted by carnation

A lot of adoptions go like this: "here's an apparently healthy kid, do you want to adopt him/her?" And people are so desperate for a baby that they don't ask any questions.

Joan Didion's new book is coming out next month...she says that she and her husband got a call from their doctor (with whom they had been tentatively discussing adoption but hadn't made any decisions) saying that he had a healthy white newborn and if they wanted her. They weren't prepared at all and decided to just go on and do it.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by carnation

They haven't- but hardly any adoptees I know have any medical history, be they domestic or international adoptees. A lot of adoptions go like this: "here's an apparently healthy kid, do you want to adopt him/her?" And people are so desperate for a baby that they don't ask any questions.

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

The operative phrase here is "through the family doctor." In smallish towns, there might be a lot of information (either confirmed or hearsay) about the birthparents. In locations where girls went out of town to have the baby, the information is very, very scant.

My point is just that you don't need to have an open adoption to know about the baby's medical history. There's nothing preventing the birth mother from writing down as much family medical history as she knows and giving it to the adoption agency, along with the baby. If that info doesn't get passed on, then the agency (or whoever the adoption facilitator is) is the one falling down on the job.

I understand being desperate, but you have to think at the same time. If you can't do that, enlist a lawyer or somone else who will do the cold hard thinking for you and pull you back if you're going to do something unwise. If you have $$$$$ to spend on all these other things, you have it to spend on a lawyer.

[carnation]

What you deal with a lot in international adoption (and sometimes domestic, especially if the father could be one of many guys) is that there's no way you're going to get any information. Ever. If you want a child, you take it.

Most adopting families I know wanted their child enough to deal with unknowns. Very often, scant or no information is a given. Furthermore, we know of many cases where birthparents have lied about their medical history.

It's a choice--do you want this child enough to deal with no information or the fact that it may be unreliable? Potential adopters, especially if they've been trying to give birth and/or adopt for years, are going to say, "YES!! When can I have her? Yesterday?"