Joint account or separate account

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Like I was saying earlier, it's much more than just that, for me. Honestly, just based on the little that you've posted about your second husband still living at home would have been a red flag for me. In every break up I've seen, there's always blame and finger pointing at the other person, yet people rarely want to point the finger at themselves. I also think that a lot of people don't truly know themselves. Knowing who you are is huge because if you don't know yourself, it will be hard for anyone else to get to know you. After all, how can you (in general) share your heart if you don't know what's really in it? For the most part, you attract what you are and what you think you deserve. The truth can be painful to absorb, but it is still truth. People instinctively know what they can get away with in your presence. They follow your cues. If you don't demand commitment and respect, they won't give it. Also never demand what you are not willing to give yourself. Relationships are always about giving. To get what you want, you sometimes have to give it first. How it begins is a good indication of how it will finish. In other words, what you see is what you'll get. I don't know much about your ex husbands except for what you've posted. I also don't know you, so I don't know what you look for in a potential partner or what you contributed to the failure of both marriages (besides choosing both as your husbands).

And this is just random. But people are the accumulation of their life experiences. They come to relationships preprogrammed from all of their love connections. They observe how to love from their parents, who may or may not have been a good illustration of what love looks like. And they've learned about it from how they've been treated in past relationships. Over time, these are things that will eventually be shown if you hang out with the person long enough to see their true colors. Is the relationship/marriage going to be perfect? No it is not. But forming a permanent link is only one step in the life of a relationship. Romance must continue, the desire to solve conflicts must continue, and the constant search of what will please the other person must continue. Never take the other person for granted -the moment you do, you are in danger of being either filed away or deleted and replaced. Bottom line, if it doesn't fit, don't force it. You will never be able to fix the other person. So, consider whether you can live with your potential partner as is. If not, move on. There is no shame in that.

For someone who has actually never been married, you sure have a lot to say about it. People who grew up in families that aren't perfect are worthy of love, too. There are also many people who grew up in terrible circumstances who go on to LEARN from those experiences and make excellent spouses. Your formula sounds good on paper but doesn't work in reality. I should know since I'm 9 years happily married to a man with a horrible family that he does NOT want to emulate. My husband, however, is the smartest, most loving man that I can imagine ever meeting. If I passed him up because of rules that sound like they came straight from a how to dating book, I'd be kicking myself right now.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

People who grew up in families that aren't perfect are worthy of love, too.

Yep, I agree. But there's no such thing as a perfect family, though.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

There are also many people who grew up in terrible circumstances who go on to LEARN from those experiences and make excellent spouses.

True. But if it's going to work, I still believe you need to be compatible with that person, regardless of what kind of family they came from.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Your formula sounds good on paper but doesn't work in reality.

It's not "my formula". I follow biblical scripture (the best way I know how to), I enjoy reading it, and it gives me great wisdom and instruction in all aspects of my life. I agree, it looks awesome on paper, but where I disagree, it does work in reality, because I've seen it work in my parents marriage, and in my pastor's. Two couples I get my advice from.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I should know since I'm 9 years happily married to a man with a horrible family that he does NOT want to emulate. My husband, however, is the smartest, most loving man that I can imagine ever meeting. If I passed him up because of rules that sound like they came straight from a how to dating book, I'd be kicking myself right now.

Absolutely, I totally agree with you. That's great you feel that way about your husband. I would hope that you do and vice versa. You've been married for 9 years, so you should know something about it. However, no one (and this includes both you and your husband) comes into this world knowing everything there is to know about relationships. In fact, I think we look more like empty computers when we are first born. No programs have been installed, pretty much, if you want to look at it that way. All we have is the capacity to record and store all the information we receive. Right or wrong, that data is stored based on our observances, and that's pretty much what makes up our programming. We live out what we retain (unless somewhere down the line we learn a better way, as you've mentioned with your husband), and to be quite honest with you, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. That all depends on who you seek for advice, or who you learn it from.

Nope, I've never been married, but for those single people, who have never been married, such as myself, the secret to taking advice is actually quite plain and simple. Take advice from someone who's been successful at accomplishing what you want to accomplish, and this isn't based only on relationships. It should apply to all aspects of your life. Since we're focused on relationships here, find someone who has a successful marriage or relationship and use that person as a source of sound counsel (I don't mean "use" as in take advantage of). I'm not going to sit around with a bunch of other women who are not having success with men and expect to come away with healthy words of wisdom. I just think the quickest way to end a depressing drama is to not let it begin. Seek counsel from experienced people in your lives.

In response to your other comment, I get my information on relationships from "dating books" (plural). Mainly from Corinthians, Genesis, and Proverbs. Probably not the "dating book" you were thinking. I don't just use the bible for dating purposes though. I like to use it for all aspects of my life. So far, it's been working for me.


Congrats on 9 years of marriage. May you have many more.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

It's not "my formula". I follow biblical scripture (the best way I know how to), I enjoy reading it, and it gives me great wisdom and instruction in all aspects of my life. I agree, it looks awesome on paper, but where I disagree, it does work in reality, because I've seen it work in my parents marriage, and in my pastor's. Two couples I get my advice from.

In response to your other comment, I get my information on relationships from "dating books" (plural). Mainly from Corinthians, Genesis, and Proverbs. Probably not the "dating book" you were thinking. I don't just use the bible for dating purposes though. I like to use it for all aspects of my life. So far, it's been working for me.

The roles and effectiveness of religious doctrine. That is a thread in and of itself.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

The roles and effectiveness of religious doctrine. That is a thread in and of itself.

Besides, she left our the quintessential biblical dating book: Song of Songs (or Solomon, depending on your version)

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Besides, she left our the quintessential biblical dating book: Song of Songs (or Solomon, depending on your version)

I read it, just not as much as Genesis, Proverbs, and Corinthians. Great book, though.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Besides, she left our the quintessential biblical dating book: Song of Songs (or Solomon, depending on your version)

And these types of discussions continue to be tautological.

It works!
How do you know?
Because it worked for me!

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

And these types of discussions continue to be tautological.

It works!
How do you know?
Because it worked for me!

Yep. And that's pretty much the entire contents of this thread in one post.

[preciousjeni]

Living on one income and banking the other is certainly ideal, but in reality it may not be possible. In my family's case, our incomes separately have either not reached the self-sufficiency level in our county or barely reached it.

In my county, for a family of two, poverty is in the range of $10,000 and self-sufficiency is in the range of $35,000.

The median household income in my county is $78,218 (as of 2009).

ETA: We have no debt except for a minimal mortgage on an 800 sq. ft. condo. We ended up buying, because rent in this county is too damn high.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

Besides, she left our the quintessential biblical dating book: Song of Songs (or Solomon, depending on your version)

Has anyone ever put that into the Snoop Dogg Shizzinator? If not, they really need to.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Yep, I agree. But there's no such thing as a perfect family, though.


True. But if it's going to work, I still believe you need to be compatible with that person, regardless of what kind of family they came from.


It's not "my formula". I follow biblical scripture (the best way I know how to), I enjoy reading it, and it gives me great wisdom and instruction in all aspects of my life. I agree, it looks awesome on paper, but where I disagree, it does work in reality, because I've seen it work in my parents marriage, and in my pastor's. Two couples I get my advice from.


Absolutely, I totally agree with you. That's great you feel that way about your husband. I would hope that you do and vice versa. You've been married for 9 years, so you should know something about it. However, no one (and this includes both you and your husband) comes into this world knowing everything there is to know about relationships. In fact, I think we look more like empty computers when we are first born. No programs have been installed, pretty much, if you want to look at it that way. All we have is the capacity to record and store all the information we receive. Right or wrong, that data is stored based on our observances, and that's pretty much what makes up our programming. We live out what we retain (unless somewhere down the line we learn a better way, as you've mentioned with your husband), and to be quite honest with you, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. That all depends on who you seek for advice, or who you learn it from.

Nope, I've never been married, but for those single people, who have never been married, such as myself, the secret to taking advice is actually quite plain and simple. Take advice from someone who's been successful at accomplishing what you want to accomplish, and this isn't based only on relationships. It should apply to all aspects of your life. Since we're focused on relationships here, find someone who has a successful marriage or relationship and use that person as a source of sound counsel (I don't mean "use" as in take advantage of). I'm not going to sit around with a bunch of other women who are not having success with men and expect to come away with healthy words of wisdom. I just think the quickest way to end a depressing drama is to not let it begin. Seek counsel from experienced people in your lives.

In response to your other comment, I get my information on relationships from "dating books" (plural). Mainly from Corinthians, Genesis, and Proverbs. Probably not the "dating book" you were thinking. I don't just use the bible for dating purposes though. I like to use it for all aspects of my life. So far, it's been working for me.


Congrats on 9 years of marriage. May you have many more.

I have no problem with you following your own ideas, but you sure have a lot to say about other people's marriages. Also, the funny thing about your rules being biblical...I've never picked up the bible and found any of that written there. I have, however, seen women married to men chosen for them by there fathers. Sometimes judging people too much by people from their past can give you the wrong picture. I can name tons of people who were bitten in the ass by that mistake. The family does not make the man, and full proof plans rarely are. Relationships happen and if your lucky, you use your brain as much as your heart to choose your mate.

[honeychile]

FWIW, cheerfulgreek and anyone else who cares, we discussed MOMO with our pastor/counselor during our premarital meetings. He thinks it's a good idea.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by honeychile

FWIW, cheerfulgreek and anyone else who cares, we discussed MOMO with our pastor/counselor during our premarital meetings. He thinks it's a good idea.

Yep there are many "Godly people" who think MOMO is appropriate.

WWJD? Jesus would do MOMO...or joint...or MOMO...or joint...ahhhhhh, it depends on the circumstances.

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

For someone who has actually never been married, you sure have a lot to say about it...

Single girl over here...Glad I'm not the only one thinking this.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Nope, I've never been married, but for those single people, who have never been married, such as myself, the secret to taking advice is actually quite plain and simple. Take advice from someone who's been successful at accomplishing what you want to accomplish, and this isn't based only on relationships. It should apply to all aspects of your life. Since we're focused on relationships here, find someone who has a successful marriage or relationship and use that person as a source of sound counsel (I don't mean "use" as in take advantage of). I'm not going to sit around with a bunch of other women who are not having success with men and expect to come away with healthy words of wisdom. I just think the quickest way to end a depressing drama is to not let it begin. Seek counsel from experienced people in your lives.

But what makes a successful marriage IYO? As many aspects of one's relationship/marriage are private (as they should be) as an outsider you don't really get to determine what is and isn't a successful marriage. All you see is what the couple portrays to the outside world (sometimes very consciously). Many a marraige has stood the test of time have been tried by the very things you've said you wouldn't put up with.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I've never picked up the bible and found any of that written there.

I have.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

The family does not make the man,

Not always, but I just prefer a man who comes from a similar background as my own.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

you use your brain as much as your heart to choose your mate.

I agree, and I've said this several times before on here, so this is nothing new. I think it's important to use your brain before you let your emotions get involved, and that takes time in most cases. A lot of people let their decisions follow their emotions, when it's safer the other way around. I just think it's better to "think" first and "feel" later. It just comes down to the right choices eventually bringing the right emotions. Just like the outcome of your whole life, love is a choice, not an emotion.

Originally Posted by honeychile

FWIW, cheerfulgreek and anyone else who cares, we discussed MOMO with our pastor/counselor during our premarital meetings. He thinks it's a good idea.

I never said it wasn't a bad idea. Like I said before, choose someone who agrees with you.

Originally Posted by Ch2tf

But what makes a successful marriage IYO?

I'm sure there are several things, but since you asked for my opinion, I think compatibility, and long-term maintenance are two of them. And more likely than not, the main things.

Compatibility because if you're not walking in the same direction in life, you'll end up going separate ways, and you don't have to be living in separate homes, divorced or whatever for that to happen. I'm not saying that as being exactly alike, but having similar if not the same values is what I'm saying.

Maintenance, because a relationship needs to be maintained in order for it to continue to last/work. Christian or not. IMO, everything needs to be maintained in order for it to survive/work, whether it's your home, a business, a car, your pets, etc. You name it, it needs to be maintained.

[Mevara]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek;

Nope, I've never been married, but for those single people, who have never been married, such as myself, the secret to taking advice is actually quite plain and simple. Take advice from someone who's been successful at accomplishing what you want to accomplish, and this isn't based only on relationships. It should apply to all aspects of your life. Since we're focused on relationships here, find someone who has a successful marriage or relationship and use that person as a source of sound counsel (I don't mean "use" as in take advantage of). I'm not going to sit around with a bunch of other women who are not having success with men and expect to come away with healthy words of wisdom. I just think the quickest way to end a depressing drama is to not let it begin. Seek counsel from experienced people in your lives.

Please do not give advice on marriage if you have not been there!! Take your own advice and leave it to the married folk to do that.