Joint account or separate account

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

This is one of the many things in life that does not work in formulas. . . . .

Also, everyone's happy when things are happy. How you really know people and know the strength of a union is to see how things are when shit hits the fan and things are miserable. Finances, illnesses, infidelity (not everyone cheats), getting a little tired of each other for seemingly superficial reasons, etc.

Co-sign.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Also, everyone's happy when things are happy. How you really know people and know the strength of a union is to see how things are when shit hits the fan and things are miserable. Finances, illnesses, infidelity (not everyone cheats), getting a little tired of each other for seemingly superficial reasons, etc.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Co-sign.

I missed this comment, but co-sign for real. I am married to the most patient, loving man I've ever met. I have serious anger and temper issues that started during my childhood. It's hard for me not to lash out when things are bad, but he has taught me a better way.

When things have been at their worst, that's when we have gotten the closest as a couple. On the other hand, we haven't caught a break since we got married. It's been a ridiculous struggle the entire time...financially, professionally, medically, spiritually, etc.

If it's not one thing, it's another to the point that I have remarked that this can't be real life. It's surreal the kinds of crazy things that happen when we're around. lol

[aephi alum]

We chose a mixed bag on our bank accounts. We each have our own checking accounts, but we have joint checking and savings accounts. We used to direct-deposit both our paychecks into the joint account. Currently, I'm self-employed, so when I get paid I cut a check from my business account to the joint account ... however, only I have signatory power on the business account

[AGDee]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

I used to think that way too, until I lost almost everything I had .. TWICE. My first husband was so controlling with money that I had an allowance that wasn't enough to cover my gas to get to work and home. I had no way to know he would be like that until we were married. We did what cheerfulgreek said and lived on one income, banking the other, supposedly. When I was getting ready to leave, I tried to take money out of our savings, found out there was only $3000 in there, when there should have been ten times that much AND he had never turned in the card that I signed so I wasn't on the account. I was scared to death because I was penniless without half that money (even thought it was only $3000). I needed that cash for a deposit on my apartment and the truck to move my stuff out. When he got home from work that day, I told him that I knew I wasn't on the savings and we were going the next day to put me on it or else I would leave him (which was really risky for me to do because he was getting increasingly violent). So he put my name on it and I left him with half that money.

Second marriage? He was GREAT with his money. He had saved enough for a down payment on our house, he always had money, was investing in retirement. Really managed it well. Of course, he was living at home, didn't have ANY bills at all. None. Not a single bill did he pay. Once we had a mortgage, a baby, day care costs, utility bills.. he still spent like he did when he had NO bills. And he spent ALL the cash using his debit card for everything so I'd have to charge groceries when the debit card was rejected at the grocery store. With the divorce, he got the house, I got the debt and we both lost ALL of our retirement.

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

Ditto for children of really bad divorces. I would NEVER not have my own account.

[PrettyBoy]

Joint.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

Truth. If I had a dime for every person who has told me to pre-nup my fiance, I'd be stinking rich!

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I used to think that way too, until I lost almost everything I had .. TWICE. My first husband was so controlling with money that I had an allowance that wasn't enough to cover my gas to get to work and home. I had no way to know he would be like that until we were married. We did what cheerfulgreek said and lived on one income, banking the other, supposedly. When I was getting ready to leave, I tried to take money out of our savings, found out there was only $3000 in there, when there should have been ten times that much AND he had never turned in the card that I signed so I wasn't on the account. I was scared to death because I was penniless without half that money (even thought it was only $3000). I needed that cash for a deposit on my apartment and the truck to move my stuff out. When he got home from work that day, I told him that I knew I wasn't on the savings and we were going the next day to put me on it or else I would leave him (which was really risky for me to do because he was getting increasingly violent). So he put my name on it and I left him with half that money.

Second marriage? He was GREAT with his money. He had saved enough for a down payment on our house, he always had money, was investing in retirement. Really managed it well. Of course, he was living at home, didn't have ANY bills at all. None. Not a single bill did he pay. Once we had a mortgage, a baby, day care costs, utility bills.. he still spent like he did when he had NO bills. And he spent ALL the cash using his debit card for everything so I'd have to charge groceries when the debit card was rejected at the grocery store. With the divorce, he got the house, I got the debt and we both lost ALL of our retirement.

I will NEVER EVER be without my own funds again. It simply won't happen, no matter how much I love him, how much I think I'd be with him forever, there is no way. NO WAY. Most divorced people pretty much feel the same way though, in my experience.

I've lived so long (ever since I started working at 14) with my own money that I can't imagine only having shared accounts. My sister has been married three times and she had joint accounts with all husbands, she still has the same individual account that was opened for her as a child. As far as a pre-nup goes it depends on if I got married, and where I was living in regards to marriage and property. There are things I own or inherited that will stay in my family or be donated to a museum or organization and that's just the way it is.

When I was engaged we moved in together and had joint accounts to pay for household items and the wedding. This was in 2007 and Bank of America had crazy incentives so we both opened a checking and savings, then a joint checking and savings, a money market, and both got credit cards. The Alaska Airlines credit cards we got don't even exist anymore, but with all the freebies and perks it is no wonder they banking industry had problems and BofA no longer has my business. They did away with the platinum card I had and wanted me to reapply for the card that cost more with less benefits, no thanks.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AGDee

We did what cheerfulgreek said and lived on one income, banking the other, supposedly.

Like I was saying earlier, it's much more than just that, for me. Honestly, just based on the little that you've posted about your second husband still living at home would have been a red flag for me. In every break up I've seen, there's always blame and finger pointing at the other person, yet people rarely want to point the finger at themselves. I also think that a lot of people don't truly know themselves. Knowing who you are is huge because if you don't know yourself, it will be hard for anyone else to get to know you. After all, how can you (in general) share your heart if you don't know what's really in it? For the most part, you attract what you are and what you think you deserve. The truth can be painful to absorb, but it is still truth. People instinctively know what they can get away with in your presence. They follow your cues. If you don't demand commitment and respect, they won't give it. Also never demand what you are not willing to give yourself. Relationships are always about giving. To get what you want, you sometimes have to give it first. How it begins is a good indication of how it will finish. In other words, what you see is what you'll get. I don't know much about your ex husbands except for what you've posted. I also don't know you, so I don't know what you look for in a potential partner or what you contributed to the failure of both marriages (besides choosing both as your husbands).

And this is just random. But people are the accumulation of their life experiences. They come to relationships preprogrammed from all of their love connections. They observe how to love from their parents, who may or may not have been a good illustration of what love looks like. And they've learned about it from how they've been treated in past relationships. Over time, these are things that will eventually be shown if you hang out with the person long enough to see their true colors. Is the relationship/marriage going to be perfect? No it is not. But forming a permanent link is only one step in the life of a relationship. Romance must continue, the desire to solve conflicts must continue, and the constant search of what will please the other person must continue. Never take the other person for granted -the moment you do, you are in danger of being either filed away or deleted and replaced. Bottom line, if it doesn't fit, don't force it. You will never be able to fix the other person. So, consider whether you can live with your potential partner as is. If not, move on. There is no shame in that.

[RaggedyAnn]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I know I'm going to sound all fuddy-duddy bemoaning the downfall of today's society, but I can't help but think that issues like this make divorce more common. Not just the actual financial issues, but the fact that we have trained ourselves to CYA in regards to marriage. We go in with contingency plans and ready to bail if we feel it necessary. We make it easy because then if things don't work out, we can shrug our shoulders and move on. What would happen if people once again treated marriage of less of an experiment and more of a serious commitment? I feel that if you're seriously ready to make that kind of commitment to someone, you should be ready to tie yourselves irrevocably to that person. And this is coming from someone who many people would feel has had plenty of legitimate "excuses" to throw in the towel and not look back.

/soapbox sermon

Originally Posted by 33girl

If you're that far apart on money, IMO you shouldn't get married in the first place. It's SO much heavier than people realize. Even if you have separate accounts, if you're saying every other day "it's MY money and I'll do what I want with it" that's not a healthy relationship. Maybe you're not fighting-fighting, but you're still feeling the disapproval of the other person.

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

And this is just random. But people are the accumulation of their life experiences. They come to relationships preprogrammed from all of their love connections. They observe how to love from their parents, who may or may not have been a good illustration of what love looks like. And they've learned about it from how they've been treated in past relationships. Over time, these are things that will eventually be shown if you hang out with the person long enough to see their true colors. Is the relationship/marriage going to be perfect? No it is not. But forming a permanent link is only one step in the life of a relationship. Romance must continue, the desire to solve conflicts must continue, and the constant search of what will please the other person must continue. Never take the other person for granted -the moment you do, you are in danger of being either filed away or deleted and replaced. Bottom line, if it doesn't fit, don't force it. You will never be able to fix the other person. So, consider whether you can live with your potential partner as is. If not, move on. There is no shame in that.

I agree with all of this.

When Andy and I got engaged, we moved in with each other to save money. We opened up a joint account for joint expenses. When we got married, we joined all of our finances. I kept my own credit cards and a couple of bills in my name, so that I maintained a credit rating in case he dies before me. We have a weekly meeting where we review finances, but unless it is a major expense, we don't ask before we spend money...but I HATE debt and Andy is a saver, so we're a good match. Now I am a stay at home Mom and I don't feel at all that it is his money. Andy has never made a comment to me to make me feel like I am less of a partner in the relationship. We both work hard; it's just his provides outside income. I provide my income in different ways, by shopping sales and cutting coupons.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Like I was saying earlier, it's much more than just that, for me. Honestly, just based on the little that you've posted about your second husband still living at home would have been a red flag for me. In every break up I've seen, there's always blame and finger pointing at the other person, yet people rarely want to point the finger at themselves. I also think that a lot of people don't truly know themselves. Knowing who you are is huge because if you don't know yourself, it will be hard for anyone else to get to know you. After all, how can you (in general) share your heart if you don't know what's really in it? For the most part, you attract what you are and what you think you deserve. The truth can be painful to absorb, but it is still truth. People instinctively know what they can get away with in your presence. They follow your cues. If you don't demand commitment and respect, they won't give it. Also never demand what you are not willing to give yourself. Relationships are always about giving. To get what you want, you sometimes have to give it first. How it begins is a good indication of how it will finish. In other words, what you see is what you'll get. I don't know much about your ex husbands except for what you've posted. I also don't know you, so I don't know what you look for in a potential partner or what you contributed to the failure of both marriages (besides choosing both as your husbands).

And this is just random. But people are the accumulation of their life experiences. They come to relationships preprogrammed from all of their love connections. They observe how to love from their parents, who may or may not have been a good illustration of what love looks like. And they've learned about it from how they've been treated in past relationships. Over time, these are things that will eventually be shown if you hang out with the person long enough to see their true colors. Is the relationship/marriage going to be perfect? No it is not. But forming a permanent link is only one step in the life of a relationship. Romance must continue, the desire to solve conflicts must continue, and the constant search of what will please the other person must continue. Never take the other person for granted -the moment you do, you are in danger of being either filed away or deleted and replaced. Bottom line, if it doesn't fit, don't force it. You will never be able to fix the other person. So, consider whether you can live with your potential partner as is. If not, move on. There is no shame in that.

For someone who has actually never been married, you sure have a lot to say about it. People who grew up in families that aren't perfect are worthy of love, too. There are also many people who grew up in terrible circumstances who go on to LEARN from those experiences and make excellent spouses. Your formula sounds good on paper but doesn't work in reality. I should know since I'm 9 years happily married to a man with a horrible family that he does NOT want to emulate. My husband, however, is the smartest, most loving man that I can imagine ever meeting. If I passed him up because of rules that sound like they came straight from a how to dating book, I'd be kicking myself right now.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

People who grew up in families that aren't perfect are worthy of love, too.

Yep, I agree. But there's no such thing as a perfect family, though.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

There are also many people who grew up in terrible circumstances who go on to LEARN from those experiences and make excellent spouses.

True. But if it's going to work, I still believe you need to be compatible with that person, regardless of what kind of family they came from.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Your formula sounds good on paper but doesn't work in reality.

It's not "my formula". I follow biblical scripture (the best way I know how to), I enjoy reading it, and it gives me great wisdom and instruction in all aspects of my life. I agree, it looks awesome on paper, but where I disagree, it does work in reality, because I've seen it work in my parents marriage, and in my pastor's. Two couples I get my advice from.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

I should know since I'm 9 years happily married to a man with a horrible family that he does NOT want to emulate. My husband, however, is the smartest, most loving man that I can imagine ever meeting. If I passed him up because of rules that sound like they came straight from a how to dating book, I'd be kicking myself right now.

Absolutely, I totally agree with you. That's great you feel that way about your husband. I would hope that you do and vice versa. You've been married for 9 years, so you should know something about it. However, no one (and this includes both you and your husband) comes into this world knowing everything there is to know about relationships. In fact, I think we look more like empty computers when we are first born. No programs have been installed, pretty much, if you want to look at it that way. All we have is the capacity to record and store all the information we receive. Right or wrong, that data is stored based on our observances, and that's pretty much what makes up our programming. We live out what we retain (unless somewhere down the line we learn a better way, as you've mentioned with your husband), and to be quite honest with you, sometimes it's a good thing and sometimes it's not. That all depends on who you seek for advice, or who you learn it from.

Nope, I've never been married, but for those single people, who have never been married, such as myself, the secret to taking advice is actually quite plain and simple. Take advice from someone who's been successful at accomplishing what you want to accomplish, and this isn't based only on relationships. It should apply to all aspects of your life. Since we're focused on relationships here, find someone who has a successful marriage or relationship and use that person as a source of sound counsel (I don't mean "use" as in take advantage of). I'm not going to sit around with a bunch of other women who are not having success with men and expect to come away with healthy words of wisdom. I just think the quickest way to end a depressing drama is to not let it begin. Seek counsel from experienced people in your lives.

In response to your other comment, I get my information on relationships from "dating books" (plural). Mainly from Corinthians, Genesis, and Proverbs. Probably not the "dating book" you were thinking. I don't just use the bible for dating purposes though. I like to use it for all aspects of my life. So far, it's been working for me.


Congrats on 9 years of marriage. May you have many more.