Are you @#$%ing kidding me??

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Maybe so. Admonishment accepted.

In my defense, I guess what I'm reacting to are the parents I've (personally) seen who make being a parent the defining aspect of their identity. Once the child is grown, they are totally adrift. I know many parents who are justifiably proud of what they did as parents and consider their greatest accomplishment, and rightfully so. Where I get uncomfortable is when the parent loses himself or herself in parenthood, and that's what I was referring to.

That's fair--it was the blanket statement that threw me off. I'm not unfamiliar with the phenomenon of the parent who wraps her identity around a child. One woman in particular, a former co-worker, has revolved her entire life around her three-year old daughter. Her daughter's come before her livelihood (no matter how much you love your child, you really need to be able to keep a roof over his/her head) and her marriage (which really should come first). This woman had a pretty terrible childhood and didn't have a lot going on for her (job, education, friends) UNTIL she had her daughter.

Granted, that's a lot of pathology going on there, but to some extent I understand why she did it. I hope she pulls back enough to allow her daughter to have some sort of a life, though.

I'd worry about a mother like that way earlier than I'd worry about a college-educated, happily-married woman with or without an out-of-the-home job who wants to pass out "mommy cards."

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

That's fair--it was the blanket statement that threw me off. I'm not unfamiliar with the phenomenon of the parent who wraps her identity around a child. One woman in particular, a former co-worker, has revolved her entire life around her three-year old daughter. Her daughter's come before her livelihood (no matter how much you love your child, you really need to be able to keep a roof over his/her head) and her marriage (which really should come first).

Hi-jack:

I've had people seriously debate me over the "you need to place your relationship with your spouse over your kids" point.

That's my belief (happy parents with a solid relationship lead to well-adjusted kids), but there are people who seriously think you said "I want to BBQ my children with a side of corn and feed them to my husband" when you say "marriage = first."

(Obviously, yes, if the other parent is an axe murderer, the kid's health and safety needs to come first. But I'm talking about in normal situations.)

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Hi-jack:

I've had people seriously debate me over the "you need to place your relationship with your spouse over your kids" point.

That's my belief (happy parents with a solid relationship lead to well-adjusted kids), but there are people who seriously think you said "I want to BBQ my children with a side of corn and feed them to my husband" when you say "marriage = first."

(Obviously, yes, if the other parent is an axe murderer, the kid's health and safety needs to come first. But I'm talking about in normal situations.)

A few years ago, a fairly well-known author wrote an essay about how she loved her husband more than she loved her children. You'd have thought she wrote a screed discussing the benefits of pedophilia, the way that so many women lashed out at her. She went on Oprah and they had to hold one lady back!

I think that what she said might be a little simplistic (I'd imagine you'd love your children in a different way than you'd love a romantic partner!), it's not a terrible thing to admit. The marriage is the foundation--which is why kids are often happier (in the long run) after a divorce.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

Hi-jack:

I've had people seriously debate me over the "you need to place your relationship with your spouse over your kids" point.

That's my belief (happy parents with a solid relationship lead to well-adjusted kids), but there are people who seriously think you said "I want to BBQ my children with a side of corn and feed them to my husband" when you say "marriage = first."

(Obviously, yes, if the other parent is an axe murderer, the kid's health and safety needs to come first. But I'm talking about in normal situations.)

Here's the order as far as I'm concerned:

God
Spouse/significant other
Kids