Are your dating standards too high or too low?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Note that this also works in the reverse - people with incredibly high standards often are doing this to "protect" themselves against rejection, awkwardness, or etc. so they don't have to actually talk to the opposite sex in any substantive fashion.

What??? You totally lost me.

Please explain.

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

What??? You totally lost me.

Please explain.

Many people have unrealistic standards so that they will never be met. When their standards are never met, they can justify their loneliness (anger, bitterness, etc.) based on "well...I guess my standards are high"/"there aren't any good men/women/"I keep to myself because no one's worth it."

It's often about a fear of rejection or compromise. You never allow yourself to compromise with someone who is worth it and you're afraid to be rejected if you do compromise.

[Dionysus]

I would say that my standards are average, but the people I attract are usually FAR below those standards. Maybe I should relocate, lol.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DSTCHAOS

Many people have unrealistic standards so that they will never be met. When their standards are never met, they can justify their loneliness (anger, bitterness, etc.) based on "well...I guess my standards are high"/"there aren't any good men/women/"I keep to myself because no one's worth it."

It's often about a fear of rejection or compromise. You never allow yourself to compromise with someone who is worth it and you're afraid to be rejected if you do compromise.

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

[cheerfulgreek]

lol lol at all the PBs. No I'm not the PB trolls. Nice try though. To the real PB. I was kidding when I changed your post. Geez.

I was totally confused trying to distinguish the difference between the real PB and the troll PB. The only difference between the two are the post numbers. lol

Oh, and the real PB is a hottie.


The PBs singing Kappa songs----------------------->

lol lol lol lol lol

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

Cheerful...here is my question for you...

What are some of the standards that you have?

Out of the ones you you list what are the ones that most of the guys you have dated failed to achieve?

Can you see yourself adjusting those standards that you have?

What are your non negotiables?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Cheerful...here is my question for you...

What are some of the standards that you have?

Out of the ones you you list what are the ones that most of the guys you have dated failed to achieve?

Can you see yourself adjusting those standards that you have?

What are your non negotiables?

Daemon, I really don't have a lot of standards. I do think one of the most important decisions I can make in life is choosing the right partner. I think choosing the right partner will contribute to my future happiness. We only live once, and the last thing I want is to be with a guy I have no chemistry with. Most women I know are still looking, content with the guy they have, or they wish they had a better one. I want a guy who will commit to me for the long haul. A guy that's loyal, and values it. I want a guy who is more of a listener than a talker, a guy who has a great sense of humor, a guy with ambition, and no he doesn't have to be rich or anything like that, but I want him to achieve his goals no matter what they are,(as long as it's legal) because if he achieves his goals and enjoys what he does, then I think that can contribute happiness to the relationship. I mean, who wants to be with someone who hates his/her job, wakes up grumpy and goes to bed grumpy?

No guy is perfect and I know I can't have everything I want, but the most important things are a must have.

The last guy I was with, wasn't very honest with me. Honesty is very important to me. His dishonesty made me feel isolated from him and I started to grow further and further away emotionally and physically. Guys like that fall short. The other guys I just dated, but most of them, I wasn't physically attracted to.

I can adjust some of the standards I have, but not very many. I do think sometimes we have to adjust some of the standards we have, because if we didn't I think most of us if not all of us would be lonely.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Daemon, I really don't have a lot of standards. I do think one of the most important decisions I can make in life is choosing the right partner. I think choosing the right partner will contribute to my future happiness. We only live once, and the last thing I want is to be with a guy I have no chemistry with. Most women I know are still looking, content with the guy they have, or they wish they had a better one. I want a guy who will commit to me for the long haul. A guy that's loyal, and values it. I want a guy who is more of a listener than a talker, a guy who has a great sense of humor, a guy with ambition, and no he doesn't have to be rich or anything like that, but I want him to achieve his goals no matter what they are,(as long as it's legal) because if he achieves his goals and enjoys what he does, then I think that can contribute happiness to the relationship. I mean, who wants to be with someone who hates his/her job, wakes up grumpy and goes to bed grumpy?

No guy is perfect and I know I can't have everything I want, but the most important things are a must have.

The last guy I was with, wasn't very honest with me. Honesty is very important to me. His dishonesty made me feel isolated from him and I started to grow further and further away emotionally and physically. Guys like that fall short. The other guys I just dated, but most of them, I wasn't physically attracted to.

I can adjust some of the standards I have, but not very many. I do think sometimes we have to adjust some of the standards we have, because if we didn't I think most of us if not all of us would be lonely.

See...from what I read, that's not asking for a lot...or in some cases can be considered broad...but what I do like is that is that you show that you are open to compromise and not nit picky over small stuff in your assessment.

Honesty does mean a lot and to me it may be a small thing but that small thing goes a long long way.

Sometimes though, people just go too, dammit far....LOL

Alright people...here is a question.

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

See...from what I read, that's not asking for a lot...or in some cases can be considered broad

Why was that broad? Please explain.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

I want to answer this. I've had unrealistic standards thrown at me, but they were standards that he wasn't attracted to. As far as I know of it had nothing to do with me as a person. I think sometimes if not most of the time, a great personality can out weigh the physical down falls, and that can be in the way a person carries themselves, the way that person dresses, or anything for that matter.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

o.k. I get it now, but what about for people like me. My standards have always been high, and it wasn't because I didn't wanna be met, it was because I didn't wanna be with just any random guy. I think everyone has their set standards for whatever reason it may be, but I think my reasons are realistic. I also don't like being alone, I mean who does? I would have to stay lonely if I kept going out with guys who couldn't meet my standards.

This is fine, for whatever that's worth - it's just that many many people who say this (and believe it) really aren't doing it for the right reasons; it's a defense mechanism, and part of the mechanism is buying into it wholeheartedly. So it's a fine edge to walk, but it's certainly possible.

Here's the thing with ridiculously high standards: do you use them as a "threshold" or as a measuring stick?

That is, it's clear most people don't meet the high standards in this thread - do they not meet these standards:

1. Right off the bat - that is, they are disqualified by some quality before you even start
2. After some time, experience or "getting to know you" period (like, after a few dates or interactions)?

The first is a threshold, and is generally a poor strategy - after all, we are all way worse at "reading people" or judging than we think. We overestimate our own abilities.

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

The second is a measuring stick, and if you're not willing to give people a chance and then measure their "true worth" against your values or expectations, you will likely be lonely for a long time. People will surprise you (for better or worse) if you give them a chance - if you don't, you're likely part of the group that uses high standards to hide low self esteem.

-RC
--I'm seriously the new Dr. Phil, except not fat and not a tautological douche

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

[christiangirl]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

When in assessing someone else's standards (whether it was someone you dated or someone that was a friend) what was perhaps the most unrealistic or unbelieveable standard that person had set?

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

The second part is so true and let me add to that also...

How many times have we met someone that set the bar so high by being everything that we wanted?

If that relationship ends, we leave that bar up there for others to hurdle and wind up ruling out many who come close because we want them to strive higher than the last one and sometime expecting a person to exceed those values we set, winds up costing us too. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves if are we really looking for someone to do better than the last good one or to emulate and 'be' that last one.

That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

I won't pick at PB (lol, the real one), because he already knows how I feel about his rule about stilettos. I was offended awhile back by what he thought about a woman who wears stilettos and what that says about her character, but we talked about it. My character's just fine--I wear stilettos because they're fashionable and I'm short, so he admitted that you can't always judge a woman by her shoes.

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."


That's a good point, but I think I tend to leave the bar up high because I have dated a guy who had certain qualities I didn't like and lacked those I wanted (physically). I took a chance and it ended for reasons all related to those shortcomings and my family and friends were looking at me like "Well, you knew that when you started, what did you expect?" So now, I go into it with an attitude of "If it's not what I want, why go there?" I know what I can get past and what I can't and there's just a lot of things that fall into the "can't" pile. :shrug:

You know that's a funny thing dealing with looks...they can chnage over time but at the same time we all tend to stick some 'non negotiables' out on the table...see the Aiming High thread for instance....

We all know what we like physically it's just that we know we would like for the mental to match the physical.

Doesn't help if she is fine but dumb like a box of rocks or have some really nasty habits.

I remember there was a young lady I dated (hehehe and when you are done, it's a wonder that one could still consider her a lady) who had a really bad belching habit...not burp.....BELCH...like a 300 pounder just drank a keg belch....well we went out to dinner once with some of my friends, let one out....and that was the last time I dealt with her....and some of my friends stil won't let me live that down... LOL

[DSTCHAOS]

Originally Posted by christiangirl

Other than that...I had a huge crush on a friend of mine, but never told him because he said he'd never marry a Black woman (yes, he's Black)--he wants to marry an Asian woman so their children can have "good hair."

This should offend your sensibilities because you're allergic to idiots. Idiots should be avoided at all costs, REGARDLESS of anything else.

So it's good that you never told him you liked him because it's not a good idea to have idiot friends, in the first place, let alone try to date or marry one. However, you should've told him that he's an idiot and that you're considering no longer acknowledging his existence.