What to tell a girl who didn't get a bid

[James]

Some of it depends on how much you think you had to do with her not getting a bid.

If you brought a lot of the chapter to the point of view that this girl shouldn't be allowed to join, and you did it for primarily personal reasons/feelings, I can see why you would want to excercise some damage control. Because I can only imagine someone wanting to go postal if it were a personal problem.

In that case I would pre-empt the whole situation and have someone with good social skills go talk to her and tell/lie saying it wasn't anything personal. Explain that there is just a limited number of slots open and sometimes things work out in sucky ways. But you think she is cool, pretty, worthy, whatever.

There is no good way to reject someone, but you can offer them face saving comments if they want/need to hold onto them.

If you are just looking for some general blanket statement to out into a booklet or whatever:

"Membership Selection is a competitive process with limited spaces available, and that can result in highly desirable candidates remaining bidless, sometimes despite the wishes of the candidate or the sorority.

And due to the private nature of Membership Selection, sorority members are not in any way permitted to discuss the process."

[MTSUGURL]

Keep in mind that we are a small group on our campus, and we are not an NPC org.
During interviews, one of the girls told us that she had gotten mad when her place of work had gone out of business and had stolen several hundreds of dollars worth of stuff from them. We of course did not give her a bid, and when she cried and asked us why, we told her, "Some of your answers to the interview questions raised concerns in the sisters. We often have events in our private homes, and the lack of respect you showed for your employer's possessions makes us reluctant to invite you into our homes."
That was an extreme case. Anyone else we didn't invite back, we told them, "I'm sorry, but we don't discuss membership selection."

[LPIDelta]

I am pretty sure that jessicaelaine's school doesn't have rho chi's, probably no Greek Life office, probably no NPC rules or any of the other things found at big schools...so the suggestions, while helpful somewhere else, really don't apply here. Not all schools with NPC groups operate reruitment like SEC or big campus schools.

Jessica, I commend you for wanting to let people down easy, but the suggestions re: not saying anything are right on target. We do not discuss membership selection or anything related to it. With what you said in the original post, you are giving false hope where there may not be any. Simply apologize and say that you are not at liberty to discuss details.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by _Lisa_

I'm surprised the Greek Life office doesn't already have a support system in place for PNM's who don't receive bids. You should suggest it to them & then leave it up to them!

Greek Life isn't exactly do or die in this area, especially on the campuses with smaller systems. Most girls who don't get bids get upset and get over it, or try again through COB or the next year.

Jessica.... I suggest that if this really is a problem, and you HAVE to have something to say to this girl, maybe ask your UMD chapter. They might have some good suggestions for this situation.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

i can't exactly offer comforting words to a girl i don't like.

Then don't. There's no reason why you should provide her with information related to why she didn't get in. She probably knows anyway. I mean, don'tcha think she realizes she hooked up with a guy who was dating a sister?

You don't have to comfort her. You don't have to find a nice way to tell her why she was released. If you try to do either one of those, you'll come across as giving lip service. Same goes for anyone else in the chapter whom she might approach.

As others have said, simply tell her that you cannot discuss membership selection and leave it at that. Like I said before, she probably knows anyway.

[ladygreek]

Wow, I guess I am just a little surprised at the need to explain anything at all. Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Now with the scenario described about the boyfriend it sounds like you feel the need to do damage control. But very honestly, she also should have realized that she wouldn't exactly be welcomed in that sorority.

I say let it go. As long as your chapter followed whatever your rules are for selection so be it.

[GDIfly]

Originally Posted by jessicaelaine

a girl should defiantly try again

yes, defiance will get her in!

[Symbal]

I highly agree with the opinion that the Office on Greek Life should have some sort of support for girls who didn't get a bid, as a bidless woman myself.

It shatters you, and when I was dropped the night before pref, I was called twice by my rho chi so I "understood" that I was not invited back. (It stung and I was highly upset that she called two times to make sure I 'understood' that I didn't get any invites, and I felt it was highly innapropriate. She offered no other comfort than that. Turns out she had done more wrong to me than that, but I digress.) After that, heartbroken, the Greek System abandoned me. You truly feel that you've been put through the system, giving it your all, and it spit you out. Perhaps have a couple rho chis who could offer a shoulder for a few days after. It may be a bit much to ask, but being completely abandoned by a system you wanted to be apart of hurts very much.

[PeppyGPhiB]

As a former Rho Chi (twice!) myself, I can't imagine how hard it must be to tell women in your rush group that they've been released from recruitment or didn't get a bid. Especially if they've done the best they could and maximized their opportunities. It happens so rarely that I probably would opt to tell the woman in person instead of over the phone, so that she could have a shoulder to cry on if needed.

For informal recruitment, honestly I don't know how my chapter handled the no-bid situation. I was never involved in the notification, so don't know whether they talked to the women regardless of getting a bid or not.

[indygphib]

Membership in any of our orgs. is a privilege, not a right. Some folx fit in, others don't.

Exactly.

[UGAalum94]

Sure. I agree that it's not a right, but what do you tell young women that you know personally before recruitment who get cut by groups they want or worse yet, cut out completely?

Without telling them specific membership information, don't you usually tell them something?

Sometimes it might just be about other chances to get involved elsewhere. Sometimes, if you know an objective reason, like low GPA, you might mention it as something that may have made it harder.

ETA: I don't mean that the groups themselves should say anything officially, but rush guides or greek life could say something.

[FSUZeta]

i vote for james suggestion-elegantly said and succinct, it is kindly stated and close-ended, so that there should be no need for further conversation.

ps. i just went to your website and perused your rush booklet--nicely done. i do have one suggestion though. under "how to join" you might want to add a statement similar to what james suggested, so that uninformed pnms understand that not everyone will receive a bid. adding a statement to the bottom of your "how to join" section might help avoid the situation that the chapter finds itself in right now.

[AlexMack]

I'll tell you what not to say-"we only had a certain number of spots and unfortunately we couldn't take everyone we liked." Then the PNM goes ahead and sees the 17-18 person NM class and the fact that the sorority is holding COB. Yeah, out of space my ass. (My personal anecdote by the way.)

I would have preferred not being lied to and I think the best thing said to me was "we don't think you are a good fit for our chapter, but would do better in a different chapter. Good luck with the rest of recruitment." Or even leaving out the first bit and just saying the last part so as not to get sticky with MS.
It really hurts getting rejected but you can't tell her the things you've written. Just say you thought she might do better in a different chapter. Nice, subtle, positive. Leave it at that.

[UGAalum94]

James's statement is nice for an official after the fact informal rush comment. It's also a nice general statement for before formal too.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by Alphagamuga

James's statement is nice for an official after the fact informal rush comment. It's also a nice general statement for before formal too.

I really wish that the Greek Life office at my school would have told girls before recruitment that membership selection is totally private and will not be discussed with any nonmembers. I remember that a lot of disappointed PNMs would be on the phone, or IM or Facebook with their friends after the PNM's were dropped from the friends' chapters: "Why didn't I get in??? I'm so upset! Why didn't you guys take me?"

It was uncomfortable for everyone and nothing the sorority friends could offer was comforting to the sad PNMs. I really wish that someone in charge of recruitment would have issued some blanket statment on what to do if you didn't receive a bid. PNMs should really be told that asking why they didn't get a bid is inappropriate, that sororities often have to make tough decisions and that a PNM might have a successful next recruitment, and that they can talk to someone in the Greek Life office if they need support in the event that they're dropped from recruitment or their favorite chapter. It would save everyone a lot of hassle and discomfort if there was a definite protocol for this situation.