What would raise a yellow, or red flag on a 1st date for you?

[PeppyGPhiB]

I'm happily attached now, but when dating there are a few things that will make you lose points or strike out with me...

- You cancel/postpone our first date, unless you're obviously ill.
- You show up in a logo tee, especially one with "Microsoft" on in (this happens way too much in Seattle).
- You answer your cell phone on a date. "It might have been an emergency..."? Yeah, right! It's never an emergency. Let them leave a message, then check your messages when you get up later to go to the restroom.
- It becomes obvious that you've been misleading me on your background and beliefs.
- It sounds like you have a lot of drama and chaos in your life. I don't want to be involved.
- You've declared bankruptcy or talk about money woes.
- You disrespect my religious beliefs, or religions in general.
- You refer to your exes as "psycho" and blame them for your breakups. Just because you don't like her anymore doesn't mean you get to call her bipolar or psycho. Anyways, I've discovered her anger is maybe because of something YOU did.
- You don't pay on our first date. OK, so this is a social more, but it's also because most guys I date earn more $ than me.
- You're very recently divorced or coming out of a serious relationship, or you're "separated."
- You're a smoker.
- You're so conservative and opinionated that we can't have a conversation without you getting irrationally upset with me, flying into a wild tangent, and making ridiculous statements about me when you don't even know me.
- You don't want to get married and have kids someday.
- You used to live with your girlfriend. This may not strike you out, but it will probably make you a little "tainted" in my book.

[APhi Sailorgirl]

What about been married before and no kids or married and kids? Something a couple sisters and I discussed recently in regard to dating guys who may have been married before and being "the second wife."

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I'm happily attached now, but when dating there are a few things that will make you lose points or strike out with me...

- You cancel/postpone our first date, unless you're obviously ill.
- You show up in a logo tee, especially one with "Microsoft" on in (this happens way too much in Seattle).
- You answer your cell phone on a date. "It might have been an emergency..."? Yeah, right! It's never an emergency. Let them leave a message, then check your messages when you get up later to go to the restroom.
- It becomes obvious that you've been misleading me on your background and beliefs.
- It sounds like you have a lot of drama and chaos in your life. I don't want to be involved.
- You've declared bankruptcy or talk about money woes.
- You disrespect my religious beliefs, or religions in general.
- You refer to your exes as "psycho" and blame them for your breakups. Just because you don't like her anymore doesn't mean you get to call her bipolar or psycho. Anyways, I've discovered her anger is maybe because of something YOU did.
- You don't pay on our first date. OK, so this is a social more, but it's also because most guys I date earn more $ than me.
- You're very recently divorced or coming out of a serious relationship, or you're "separated."
- You're a smoker.
- You're so conservative and opinionated that we can't have a conversation without you getting irrationally upset with me, flying into a wild tangent, and making ridiculous statements about me when you don't even know me.
- You don't want to get married and have kids someday.
- You used to live with your girlfriend. This may not strike you out, but it will probably make you a little "tainted" in my book.

LOL

Ok, how many of us have actually FOUND guys/girls who have NONE of the yellow and red flags we mentioned? I have not.

[thesweetestone]

I 've read this whole thread, but I still don't understand why "family background" is a red flag. Will please SOMEBODY explain?

I don't have any control over the things my family does or has done. If I live an honest life, that is how I should be judged. I should not be judged by my family's behavior.

[Dionysus]

Originally Posted by thesweetestone

I 've read this whole thread, but I still don't understand why "family background" is a red flag. Will please SOMEBODY explain?

I don't have any control over the things my family does or has done. If I live an honest life, that is how I should be judged. I should not be judged by my family's behavior.

But you can choose how much contact you have with them. Having a dysfunctional family ALONE, is NOT the problem. If someone has a dysfunctional family, but they're not that close to them, or at least not close enough for the drama to have any effect....that's cool.

I get concerned when people are close enough to family where it causes trouble for people who weren't originally involved. Ok, here's an example. You date a guy, and his sister has a gambling addiction. Guy's sister does NOT want to help herself or go to GA, she just gambles and gambles. Your relationship gets more serious and you guys move in together. Guy's sister spends her rent money to gamble. Guy's sister will get put out of her house/apt if she does not pay rent. So the guy (and probably you) will have to chip in to pay for HER rent. This is an example how your date's family's drama can spill over into YOUR life. Say that this guy himself had a gambling addiction. Would you date him? If you answered "no", then why would you date a guy who has a close relationship with a sister who has a gambling addiction? However, if he wasn't that close to his sister and/or he does not pay for her losses, then I don't see any problem with that, and he shouldn't be rejected.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by thesweetestone

I 've read this whole thread, but I still don't understand why "family background" is a red flag. Will please SOMEBODY explain?

I don't have any control over the things my family does or has done. If I live an honest life, that is how I should be judged. I should not be judged by my family's behavior.

No, people don't have any control over their families, rather they're close to their family or not, I just think a well to do family should stay with a well to do family and one that's disfunctional should marry into another family that is similar to their own family. I think it just causes all kinds of problems when the families are opposite.

[Scandia]

Originally Posted by APhi Sailorgirl

What about been married before and no kids or married and kids? Something a couple sisters and I discussed recently in regard to dating guys who may have been married before and being "the second wife."

A person like that is not for me. I am very inexperienced and would not feel comfortable in such a situation. And why would someone who has had so much life experience want someone as green as I am?

[Scandia]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I'm happily attached now, but when dating there are a few things that will make you lose points or strike out with me...


- You answer your cell phone on a date. "It might have been an emergency..."? Yeah, right! It's never an emergency. Let them leave a message, then check your messages when you get up later to go to the restroom.

On our fourth date, which had not been going well, the previous guy I dated answered his cell phone while we waited to be seated at the comedy club. He talked to the person for a few minutes. I asked who it was- could have been a relative or a business call. Turns out it was a girl he had met and had gone on one date with him a couple weeks earlier. I asked if he was interested in her- he said no, that he must have been drunk when he asked her out, and that they did not have fun at all. Me having had trouble learning manners when I was a child, and since he did not make another date with her and it could have been an emergency on her part, I let it rest. But after the show, in the car, he got really huffy about my having a problem with his dating other girls and made it very clear he NEVER said we were dating exclusively. There was a fifth date eventually, but in it he confirmed that he was looking for a woman who was very different from who I am.

- You refer to your exes as "psycho" and blame them for your breakups. Just because you don't like her anymore doesn't mean you get to call her bipolar or psycho. Anyways, I've discovered her anger is maybe because of something YOU did.

A relative of mine did have a girlfriend who was bipolar. They broke up because one day she beat him up due to there not being any more cereal in the pantry- even though the grocery store was in the ground floor of the building and she could easily buy more.

- You're very recently divorced or coming out of a serious relationship, or you're "separated.


- You used to live with your girlfriend. This may not strike you out, but it will probably make you a little "tainted" in my book.

If you have this kind of experience, why would you want a maiden like me?

[Lady Pi Phi]

Originally Posted by macallan25

I really am not shallow when it come to dating......however.....I truly despise tatoos and wouldn't bring a girl home to my mother that has them. Now......if the girl was perhaps a Pi Phi and dicided to get a tiny arrow on her foot (completely unnoticeable) then that would be ok. But when you can see them plain as day or if they put a huge tramp stamp on their lower back......then I have a problem.

I am a Pi Phi and I have a carnation on my ankle. I also have 4 other tattoos that no one can see unless I am in my birthday suit.

I have a respectable career, I have an education, I came from a good family.

I think you'd be surprised how many women actually have tattoos. And unless you are jumping into bed with them on the first date, you would probably never know unless they told you.

[_Opi_]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

- You answer your cell phone on a date. "It might have been an emergency..."? Yeah, right! It's never an emergency. Let them leave a message, then check your messages when you get up later to go to the restroom.

It doesn't really bother me that he pick up his phone. However, if he pick up while we're eating, get calls too often and carry on an actual conversation...then it's a big turn off. You need to talk to ME, that's why we're on a date.

[AlexMack]

Originally Posted by Scandia

If you have this kind of experience, why would you want a maiden like me?

Why not? It's refreshing for some. Trying not to be explicit but someone with experience in all matters of relationships is far better than another who's as inexperienced as you. I've been on both sides. Inexperience is awkward, so awkward. If a guy really loves you for you, your inexperience won't matter. If you love him for him, you won't hold his past relationships against him.
I really do suggest expanding your field a little. You don't have to compromise your morals to find someone as wonderful as you're holding out for.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

LOL

Ok, how many of us have actually FOUND guys/girls who have NONE of the yellow and red flags we mentioned? I have not.

My SO is none of the flags I mentioned. In fact he STILL hardly ever answers his cell phone when he's with me. I wouldn't care as much about the cell now, but I sure would on a first date.

[PeppyGPhiB]

Originally Posted by Scandia

A relative of mine did have a girlfriend who was bipolar. They broke up because one day she beat him up due to there not being any more cereal in the pantry- even though the grocery store was in the ground floor of the building and she could easily buy more.

In my post, I was referring to guys that slap that label on all their exes because it seems to be a convenient way to label her as the bad one in the relationship. I've heard it from almost all the guys I've dated as a twenty-something, to the point where I've actually questioned them about it.

[thesweetestone]

Originally Posted by Dionysus

I get concerned when people are close enough to family where it causes trouble for people who weren't originally involved. Ok, here's an example. You date a guy, and his sister has a gambling addiction. Guy's sister does NOT want to help herself or go to GA, she just gambles and gambles. Your relationship gets more serious and you guys move in together. Guy's sister spends her rent money to gamble. Guy's sister will get put out of her house/apt if she does not pay rent. So the guy (and probably you) will have to chip in to pay for HER rent. This is an example how your date's family's drama can spill over into YOUR life.

I not going to pay F%&king her bills, F@#$ that. Personally, I still don't think that the above described situation is a red flag against him.

[aephi alum]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

- You refer to your exes as "psycho" and blame them for your breakups. Just because you don't like her anymore doesn't mean you get to call her bipolar or psycho. Anyways, I've discovered her anger is maybe because of something YOU did.

I'm not so sure about this. It's my working theory that everyone has at least one psycho ex. I have one; my husband has one. DH told me about his psycho ex on our second date... he mentioned that he had dated "Jessica" for a few months. I had the misfortune to meet Jessica when she rushed; let me just say that there's a reason she's not in a sorority.

If he's tossing around words like "psycho" and "bipolar" as insults, without knowing what they really mean, then that's a problem - especially if I know the girl in question and she is not mentally ill.