still single....

[AGDee]

I just think of it as being generous to people you care about. It doesn't have to only be parents who you help out- I have a list of people who I simply want to help because they are good people and I like them. Or because I know they've struggled and I want them to be able to relax and enjoy other things in life.

If you're only having kids so you have someone to take care of you in your old age, then you're making a big mistake. In addition to the "what ifs" posed by Dr Phil, there is also a possibility the child will be disabled and require lifelong care.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AGDee

I just think of it as being generous to people you care about. It doesn't have to only be parents who you help out- I have a list of people who I simply want to help because they are good people and I like them. Or because I know they've struggled and I want them to be able to relax and enjoy other things in life.

Your choice to do that is different than an expectation or requirement.

I understand this can be cultural, as tld221 explained. However, "because I say so" isn't cultural.

Originally Posted by AGDee

If you're only having kids so you have someone to take care of you in your old age, then you're making a big mistake. In addition to the "what ifs" posed by Dr Phil, there is also a possibility the child will be disabled and require lifelong care.

Good point.

[DrPhil]

Jen, hugs and positive energy to you, as well.

Never having children and/or never getting married doesn't mean you will be old and lonely. The average person in a retirement facility or who dies home alone has children. I strongly recommend not having children based on a promise for what may happen 18+ years down the road. That probability is as low and unfair as forcing a child to be her parent's bestfriend because the parent is friendless and lonely. Children don't sign contracts and promises. While legal spouses technically sign contracts, that doesn't mean the union will last through your elderly years.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Jen, hugs and positive energy to you, as well.

Never having children and/or never getting married doesn't mean you will be old and lonely. The average person in a retirement facility or who dies home alone has children. I strongly recommend not having children based on a promise for what may happen 18+ years down the road. That probability is as low and unfair as forcing a child to be her parent's bestfriend because the parent is friendless and lonely. Children don't sign contracts and promises. While legal spouses technically sign contracts, that doesn't mean the union will last through your elderly years.

Absolutely! If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me who would care for me when I got old because I don't want kids, I'd be a very rich woman. I hope that's not why people have kids. It doesn't work out for a lot of people.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Absolutely! If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me who would care for me when I got old because I don't want kids, I'd be a very rich woman. I hope that's not why people have kids. It doesn't work out for a lot of people.

Oh yes people have children for that reason and other selfish reasons. No wonder many children can't wait to get out of their parents' houses. When people ask me who will care for me when I'm unable to care for myself, I tell them "the same person or facility that will take care of you". Except my retirement and "elderly vacation" will be luxurious because I planned it as such. I don't need kids for that.

[33girl]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

Jen, hugs and positive energy to you, as well.

Never having children and/or never getting married doesn't mean you will be old and lonely. The average person in a retirement facility or who dies home alone has children. I strongly recommend not having children based on a promise for what may happen 18+ years down the road. That probability is as low and unfair as forcing a child to be her parent's bestfriend because the parent is friendless and lonely. Children don't sign contracts and promises. While legal spouses technically sign contracts, that doesn't mean the union will last through your elderly years.

TRUTH. I used to think that being an only child sucked the worst because you were the only one to take care of your parents...those with siblings had help sharing the burden. I've realized that's not always true and a lot of times (and I don't mean by geographical or $ necessity) one person ends up doing everything anyway. Same with having kids to take care of you.

ASUADPi, don't take this the wrong way but if you feel like the virginity issue is hanging you up/holding you back, you might want to see about a sex surrogate. Sex and love don't always equate and it might be healthy to separate the two.

[carnation]

Originally Posted by 33girl

ASUADPi, don't take this the wrong way but if you feel like the virginity issue is hanging you up/holding you back, you might want to see about a sex surrogate.

OK, I'll be the one to ask. Is a sex surrogate some kind of "professional" or is it just some random guy?

[33girl]

No, I mean a professional. The only reason I say this is fear of either having a perfect relationship with a man and then sleeping w him and it sucks, or the opposite - having sex so good it clouds your brain to things you should be clear headed about. My point is that sex is often messy and ridiculous. If you romanticize it too much it can lead to heartache.

Like I said, that's only if she feels virginity is a hurdle that's holding her back. If it's not and you own it, then it's not a big deal.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by carnation

OK, I'll be the one to ask. Is a sex surrogate some kind of "professional" or is it just some random guy?

It's a professional. They work with a client and a therapist to make it happen for the client.

I think there was a movie about this recently with Helen Hunt.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

Don't worry about being the oldest virgin in the world. I practice in the women's health field so I see women on a fairly reasonable basis that have never had sex. It happens, and your story is not that different than mine regarding reasons for not having sex until later in life. You've made responsible, healthy decisions for you. Sometimes it's hard to stop trying to judge your own life and decisions based on societal standards. Since you are a romantic, I hope the right man for you does come along, but that may be at a time and place that you don't expect and in a package you aren't prepared for. Realizing that the person you meet may be divorced, widowed, older or much younger than you, may be something you have to come to terms with. Be open to new experiences. You never know where you may meet new people who may introduce you to other new people. But whatever you do, don't believe the romance novels.

This!

Originally Posted by Jen

Seriously, Facebook is the WORST when you're feeling bad about where you are in your life lol.

Funny.. a lot of times, I find Facebook as the best place to be.

In my opinion, people rush things. They live their lives based on where other people are, or what other people think. They give themselves a schedule. Deadlines. They make decisions that will make other people happy. People should stop focusing on what others do, say, and think. They should, instead, focus on what makes them happy. They should tell anyone who questions them to F*** off. Seriously. Live your own life.

And you're still young enough where a husband and kids aren't out of the question. My cousin's wife just had a child at 38. And quite frankly, nowadays, you don't need a husband to have kids. I've had friends who have worked around that "obstacle" and are perfectly happy raising a child on their own. They still date, and they look for Mr. Right while raising their child.

Everyone takes a different path, and that's OK. Just find a way to be happy. That should be priority #1.