Received a blatant B-list invitation BY PHONE BY PROXY, what to do?

[AGDee]

I don't see a problem with it especially since I have a really big family and there is an obligation to invite family first. I would think the priorities would be a) relatives, b) friends of the bride & groom, c) friends of the parents. If it is a traditional situation where the bride's family is paying for almost everything, then her family/friends/parents' friends may have to be on the list first, even if the groom's mother really wants someone there. Sometimes there are people you have to invite out of obligation even though there are others you really would rather have there. It is difficult to know the attitude behind the B list. B list could be "well, we'll invite them if there is space but we don't care if they are there" or it could be "We really hope enough of the obligatory invites don't come so we can include these people"

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

I don't think your husband has to go to the bother and expense of renting a tux. Just wear a dark suit and call it a day. The MOG's rude manners don't warrrant the effort and money of a rental.

I can't believe I'm going to disagree with you and ellebud, but as a husband that would make me feel very uncomfortable, unless I knew for a fact that lots of guys were going to do it. The whole point of stating the appropriate attire is so that people know what to expect and won't feel overdressed or underdressed. I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Of course, I was a music major, so I've had a tux since I was a freshman in college. (Unfortunately for my waistline, not the same one.) Having one seems natural to me.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I can't believe I'm going to disagree with you and ellebud, but as a husband that would make me feel very uncomfortable, unless I knew for a fact that lots of guys were going to do it. The whole point of stating the appropriate attire is so that people know what to expect and won't feel overdressed or underdressed. I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Of course, I was a music major, so I've had a tux since I was a freshman in college. (Unfortunately for my waistline, not the same one.) Having one seems natural to me.

I completely agree. Buy a tux...they look better, are tailored to your fit and cost less in the long run. My husband got a Calvin Klein tux for the cost of two rentals about 3 years ago and has used it at least 5 times now. You also save time having to run out and rent tuxedos in the future.

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I would go with the tux, not out of any sense of obligation to the MOG but for my own comfort at the wedding.

But like ellebud said, I'd buy one. Very good tuxes can be got very cheaply -- often for the price of just a few rentals -- and then you have one.

Also, rented tuxes just look...rented. Most of my close male friends just ended up buying their tails (there are a few white tie events our group attends each year). They said that it was just more convenient, cheaper in the long run, and I just happen to think they look way better.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways. This case is especially egregious because hubby was invited to the bachelor party.

Uh, so the point is to react to rudeness with more rudeness? No, thanks.

It's also highly unlikely that the person who coordinated the wedding invitations was the same person who's planning the bachelor party. No--you're not supposed to invite anyone to a pre-wedding event who's not going to be invited. It sounds like the pre-wedding planning was a logistical nightmare and who was planning the party never got the memo that Mr. aephi alum wasn't invited to the wedding.

B-lists guests aren't like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. While you may not want to do one, for some people, it's a necessity--especially people with large families, small venues, or a ton of invite obligations. The bride, groom, and their parents are supposed to be discreet about who they're inviting; MOG seems to be the one who was really lacking tact.

I'd either go to the wedding with a real gift, or not go at all.

In seeing friends get married, I didn't realize how much social competition goes into it from a guest end. I've seen some people act like they've Won at Life when they've been invited to a wedding and you haven't. I had some former friends who treated me like shit when I wasn't invited to a wedding--that I couldn't attend because I had another wedding, LOL. Is it really that deep? Apparently for some of y'all it is.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

Uh, so the point is to react to rudeness with more rudeness?

How is it rude to donate to a charity that the bride and groom like? Rude would be donating to a cause they hate, distinctly different. If you are really inviting someone for the pleasure of their company (which you should be), you should not care if they bring a gift at all.

If the OP wants to go and have a good time and bring a lovely gift, then she should do that, but clearly she was offended, or wouldn't have posted about it in the first place. I am just saying that nobody is required to deal with offensive behavior just because they have been invited to a wedding.

[Gusteau]

Regarding the tux, since I have no opinion on the rest, a dark suit with the right shirt (white) and tie (dark and silk) could work, though I'd admit to feeling nervous about being underdressed. And really, being underdressed reflects poorly on you rather than the couple, etc.

I hate, hate, HATE rental tuxes. They never fit right, and to be honest they kind of skeeve me. The next time I need a tux I'm going to order one from Indochino (Indochino.com). They make custom suits with your measurements for less than $400 dollars. I was nervous before I ordered, but Forbes gave them a positive review and they will pay for up to $75 for alterations at your local tailor. I was very impressed with both the fit and quality of my suit, and I didn't need to get any alterations. I will definitely order again.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally Posted by PeppyGPhiB

I think it's odd your husband was invited to the Bachelor Party but not the wedding...initially. No one should be invited to the pre-wedding events without also being invited to the wedding.

I agree with this, which is why I actually believe that they're invite may have gotten lost.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Uh, that's the point. I'm sorry, I don't believe in B-list guests. Someone is either important to you, and you find a way to put them on your list, or they aren't. You don't get to have it both ways. This case is especially egregious because hubby was invited to the bachelor party.

If someone thinks about me enough to put me on a B list, I'd be happy. Now that many of my friends are getting married, and I was just a part of one of their weddings, I'm seeing exactly HOW expensive it is, and many of our friends (including myself) are getting left out. That's fine. Not everyone is money bags and sometimes there are so many more obligatory guests that there just isn't room. A, B, or C list, I'd still feel honored to have been thought of.

[ellebud]

You are correct in that no one is required to deal with offensive behavior just because they have been INVITED to the wedding. However, the minute you accept the invitation one is supposed to behave themselves....on both sides of the equation.

If the couple has a favorite charity and/or they are very wealthy and have requested no gifts, then you can make a donation in their honor. I sense these kids are just that...kids. And young couples need plates and coffee makers and wine glasses. I'm just saying that once you accept the invitation its kind of nice to go with the flow.

And I still stand by the fact that the OP has the opportunity to be the perfect daughter in law: appropriate and classy.

.....oh, and as a future mil (no dates set) I would be devastated if I wasn't invited to see my kids get married. No criteria on what or where. I am open to whatever they want to do...but I'd better be invited....and yes, I will sit quietly.

[33girl]

Do you have to travel more than half an hour to this thing? If so, I would completely blow it off. If not, get a lame gift (regift if possible) and eat and drink 10x your share.

Everyone saying "b-liists are normal" and "you have to invite family" and "you have to do this or that" - that's BULLSHIT. If Groom would have rather had aephialumhubby than his bitchy 4th cousin he never talks to and who is probably being dragged to the thing, he needs to grow a pair and say so. Getting married is for grownups, not children. Be a grownup and tell people it's your wedding, not theirs. There was just an article in the paper today about how people's wedding costs kept going up because their parents forced them to invite ever more family and friends that they didn't know from Adam. Maybe the parents are giving them money, but the bride and groom are the ones with their names on the bills.

And from what I know about aephialum's mother in law, I doubt that this is about thinking that aephialum and hubby would be hurt, more that SHE is offended that HER offspring wasn't included.

[DrPhil]

LOL. I think it is BULLSHIT to give a damn about most of this stuff. Outsiders do not know all of the logistics and aephialum and her husband are among the outsiders.

Attend what you're invited to if you give a damn, give whatever gift you give a damn to give, and stop giving a shit. Or, you can cuss the bride and groom out---why should you be the only ones needlessly thinking about this stuff? Seriously, do whatever you feel you need to do and move on. LOL.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL. I think it is BULLSHIT to give a damn about most of this stuff. Outsiders do not know all of the logistics and aephialum and her husband are among the outsiders.

Attend what you're invited to if you give a damn, give whatever gift you give a damn to give, and stop giving a shit. Or, you can cuss the bride and groom out---why should you be the only ones needlessly thinking about this stuff? Seriously, do whatever you feel you need to do and move on. LOL.

This.

There are people in the world with REAL problems. Get over it and move on.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

This.

There are people in the world with REAL problems. Get over it and move on.

I try to avoid telling people that their problems or frustrations are not REAL; or that they do not rank high in the world of problems.

It is simply the case that there is but so much "give a damn" that we should have for some things. We have to reserve "give a damn" for things that weight more heavily on us. I do not know aephialum's friend and family dynamics but, in general, other people's wedding fiascos tend not to weight so heavily on us. Once we vent and talk it out, there has to be a course of action so that you can get this off your "give a damn list" and say "WOOOOOOOOSAHHHHH...."

Do that for your own peace, "west and wewaxation."

[Xidelt]

It's funny that the two posters who keep saying not to care about this wedding situation and move on are also the two who seem to be posting the most about said issue.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by Xidelt

It's funny that the two posters who keep saying not to care about this wedding situation and move on are also the two who seem to be posting the most about said issue.

I am also replying to you yet I definitely don't care about you. The conundrums of life.

ASTalumna06 and I still do not believe in devoting but so much real life (GC posts are only vent sessions) "give a damn" to the logistics and silliness of other people's weddings.

[Munchkin03]

This is funny because real life:

Last night I was having drinks with a recently engaged couple (for these purposes, Couple A). She was telling me that a recently married couple in our circle (Couple B) sent a long e-mail to them a week after their engagement telling how terrible wedding planning was and how they should do x, y, and z.

The kicker is that Couple B did not invite Couple A to their wedding back in May and now Couple B is acting on the assumption that Couple A will invite them to their wedding. Couple A is conflicted because everyone else in our group except Couple B is invited to this wedding. I laughed and said, "oh put them on the B list."

Couple B is totally cray, by the way. And the word "couple" looks weird once you type it a lot.