Disappointed mom

sail100 · #1 10-19-2008, 03:57 PM

I simply want my daughter to have the same kinds of wonderful experiences and memories I did, and I think she would definitely be shortchanging herself in this organization. I'm even afraid that they may close this chapter down in a few years if their numbers don't improve. That would be a terrible thing to go through.

Yes this is the South, and some posters get it. It is really impossible to explain to those who don't live here. I remember going through rush in the 80's and how my roommate's best friend got cut from her legacy house and eventually was released from all houses. Her mother got countless condolence calls from her sorority alumnae as well as from her friends in other sororities.

I suspect she may be aware of the limited opportunities she may have in this house, but I think I need to make sure she is fully aware before committing to this. Her happiness at receiving a bit may be coloring her judgment.Despite what many of you think, I did send her the requisite sorority goody basket on bid day, and tried to be happy for her. I have not made tacky or hurtful comments to her.

I have received some very kind PM's, and for that I am grateful. They have given me some things to think about and have put some issues in perspective.

Jen · #2 10-19-2008, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sail100

I simply want my daughter to have the same kinds of wonderful experiences and memories I did

How do you know she won't? How do you know anything about what your daughter will make her experience? You can't know until it's happened. You are looking at her experience in terms of YOUR life, YOUR requirements to be happy, YOUR personality and YOUR longing for the old days.

Quote:

I suspect she may be aware of the limited opportunities she may have in this house, but I think I need to make sure she is fully aware before committing to this. Her happiness at receiving a bit may be coloring her judgment. Despite what many of you think, I did send her the requisite sorority goody basket on bid day, and tried to be happy for her. I have not made tacky or hurtful comments to her.

Do you not think she doesn't know how you feel? Do you think you're really that good at hiding your true feelings? On some level, she knows you're disappointed. There's a good chance she feels like she's disappointed you as a daughter if she knows how focused on being "the best" you are. The limitations you think she is feeling may be ones you're putting on her rather than ones the Greek system or her new sorority are.

What if she really loves where she is, but she knows you're upset about it? What if she's the type of person to depledge her group just to make you happy, be a good daughter, and in the process, makes herself completely miserable? Is that really what you want for her?

You have to trust her to make the decision that is right for her - REGARDLESS of what it is. If she decides to stay and the chapter is closed in a year or two and she's upset over it - HER problem.

If she gets initiated then realizes she's miserable - HER problem.

She has all the information she needs to make her decision on her own.

MaggieXi · #3 10-19-2008, 05:38 PM

I preface this by saying I have limited knowledge to know or understand what it must be like for someone who is going through recruitment in the highly competitive universities in the south. However, that being said, if the OP knew where the daughter was going to school, knew she was going through recruitment, knew or had a reasonable belief that this could be the outcome, why didn't the OP do everything in her power to prepare her daughter for recruitment? And/or prepare herself (the OP) for this type of outcome?
I'm not talking about buying new clothes, or wearing make-up or getting nails done, I'm talking about investing in a little panhellenic spirit and education.

BTW - if I were OP's daughter and stumbled upon this thread I would be mortified and furious! Even worse would be if someone from OP's daughter's new chapter were to find this and confront her about it.

KSUViolet06 · #4 10-19-2008, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MaggieXi

BTW - if I were OP's daughter and stumbled upon this thread I would be mortified and furious! Even worse would be if someone from OP's daughter's new chapter were to find this and confront her about it.

Seriously. If I found out that my mom were that concerned about the sorority I joined, I'd be mortified.

exlurker · #5 10-19-2008, 05:52 PM

UGalum94 and Munchkin03, well said!

kapsigcub · #6 10-19-2008, 06:07 PM

Elaborate Scenario Troll

ZTAMich · #7 10-19-2008, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sail100

I have received some very kind PM's, and for that I am grateful. They have given me some things to think about and have put some issues in perspective.

And yet none of those people are here in this thread to offer any kind words. Fishy.

kappalove17 · #8 10-19-2008, 10:01 PM

Wow...I think people need to be nicer. She's not the worst mom in the world. Bad moms don't care. This woman clearly does care, maybe a little TOO much. Since I am originally from the south, I can understand the situation. Luckily I go to school elsewhere and didn't have to deal with quite so much pressure. I can honestly understand being embarrassed, but only because, lets face it- we ALL think our sorority is the best. If I had a daughter and the kappa chapter at her school cut her, I would be heartbroken too. I think this mom means well, but is having a little trouble letting go. And maybe she is concerned because she knows her daughter well and thinks she would be better off elsewhere. If this girl were really socially awkward, I dont know that any mom would pressure them to join a sorority...

to the OP: A family friend's daughter went through recruitment at FSU this year, and we thought she'd have an easy time. She's smart, adorable, athletic, and very funny. She's a legacy to a top notch sorority on campus, and she had recs to several of the chapters as well.

I was shocked to find out that she had been dropped by almost all chapters by the first couple days, and only preffed one. The sorority is probably what most would call one of the more "unpopular" sororities on campus, and we were all very disappointed for her- until we saw how much she loved this group of girls. She is having a great time, and has absolutely no fear wearing letters and telling everyone of her pride to her sorority. It may not be what we wanted for her, but it ended up being the perfect fit. So if you feel its your duty to make sure she knows the commitment she's making, I'm all for that!! Not enough people realize when they initiate into a sorority, its for life. But if she seems satisfied with her choice, the only thing you can do is be happy for her. And when your friends ask what she joined, DO NOT lie or avoid the subject...just tell them how much she's enjoying herself.

violetpretty · #9 10-19-2008, 10:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kappalove17

Wow...I think people need to be nicer.

I'm just going to chuckle at the impending comments you'll get for this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kappalove17

She's not the worst mom in the world. Bad moms don't care. This woman clearly does care, maybe a little TOO much.

That's your opinion. I think overinvolvement and trying to live vicariously can be just as damaging as moms who "don't care", just in very different ways.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kappalove17

I was shocked to find out that she had been dropped by almost all chapters by the first couple days, and only preffed one. The sorority is probably what most would call one of the more "unpopular" sororities on campus, and we were all very disappointed for her- until we saw how much she loved this group of girls. She is having a great time, and has absolutely no fear wearing letters and telling everyone of her pride to her sorority.

Unlike the OP, you decided that you could be happy for this girl when you saw that she was happy. That's how it should be.

shadden · #10 10-19-2008, 10:42 PM

I have read the original e-mail several times, and just can't see why everyone sees her the absolute worst mom. I think it is natural for a mother to want their children to have great experiences that last not just through but beyond college. Having been in a chapter that had just recolonized myself when I was in school, there are certainly pluses to being in a small house, but it is alot of work also. Obviously sail's daughter is up for the challenge, and she may be a huge asset to this chapter. But, if the mom's own sorority experience was good, she can't help but want the same experiences for her child.

KSUViolet06 · #11 10-19-2008, 10:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shadden

I have read the original e-mail several times, and just can't see why everyone sees her the absolute worst mom. I think it is natural for a mother to want their children to have great experiences that last not just through but beyond college. Having been in a chapter that had just recolonized myself when I was in school, there are certainly pluses to being in a small house, but it is alot of work also. Obviously sail's daughter is up for the challenge, and she may be a huge asset to this chapter. But, if the mom's own sorority experience was good, she can't help but want the same experiences for her child.

Of course you want that, but I think trying to get her to drop crosses a bit of a line (that's just my opinion).

kappalove17 · #12 10-19-2008, 10:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violetpretty

I'm just going to chuckle at the impending comments you'll get for this.

That's your opinion. I think overinvolvement and trying to live vicariously can be just as damaging as moms who "don't care", just in very different ways.

Unlike the OP, you decided that you could be happy for this girl when you saw that she was happy. That's how it should be.

I wrote that story to point out that she DOES need to be happy for her daughter. Not to call her a bitch for being disappointed. I agree that over-involved pageant moms can be very detrimental as well I was just pointing out that its not anyone's place to judge motherhood skills via an online post.

LightBulb · #13 10-19-2008, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violetpretty

The OP basically has said that she thinks that the others in her life are more important than her daughter. It's a totally different situation than a mom being upset alongside her daughter because she did not get the chapter she wanted.

Well said.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kappalove17

So if you feel its your duty to make sure she knows the commitment she's making, I'm all for that!! Not enough people realize when they initiate into a sorority, its for life. But if she seems satisfied with her choice, the only thing you can do is be happy for her. And when your friends ask what she joined, DO NOT lie or avoid the subject...just tell them how much she's enjoying herself.

You too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kappalove17

...I was just pointing out that its not anyone's place to judge motherhood skills via an online post.

True.