Paying for sex - is this more common than I thought?

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by dreamseeker

lol. womp womp.

LOL.

It's like a snooping person getting angry when they find something. Sitchoassdownsomewhere. LOL.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Thanks.

Let's be honest: I am not going to Al Anon meeting for sex abuse and say "Hi, my name is AKA_Monet and I am intolerant of bullshit!" Sure chick asked, dude answered honestly. Sure he prolly is going to be judged on things that happened 15 years ago. But seriously, I am "a leopard never changes its spots" and really, notone to say my problem. I see it as a character flaw--not as a whoops, I got a speeding ticket-kinna thing. But that's me.

Everyone has a past history and some things are important. Talking about people's past is discretionary. And the OP's post said that dude stated that "a lot of 20 year olds do this"-and the tone I read was a "matter of fact-ly"...

NO! Not a lot of 20-something year olds buy sex with prostitutes! That is bullshit! There are studies that show that men who buy sex from prostitutes often have psychotic tendencies similar to a rapist, and often have a personality disorder. Just ask RAINN.org.

Yep. I mean, what's wrong with being upfront? I just think it's based on what I can deal with and what I can't, and I personally don't call that judging. I believe people can change their lives and completely turn it around, but what that guy did is too much. At least it would be for me. Prostitutes? That's so gross. There's no way. I'm with you all the way, AKA_Monet. It's only fair to both people to be upfront and honest with each other.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Yep. I mean, what's wrong with being upfront? I just think it's based on what I can deal with and what I can't, and I personally don't call that judging. I believe people can change their lives and completely turn it around, but what that guy did is too much. At least it would be for me. Prostitutes? That's so gross. There's no way. I'm with you all the way, AKA_Monet. It's only fair to both people to be upfront and honest with each other.

So asking a question, even in jest, about such a thing means one must be ready for the answer... People's who are not married that is private business. If this was the man I were to marry and he freely told me such a thing like that after I asked... Well, that would be my dealbreaker. I just being honest. Too bad for him that I distrusted his honesty because I can't handle his answer. Oh well, life moves on... That's my opinion & he can find someone else to tolerate the bull.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So asking a question, even in jest, about such a thing means one must be ready for the answer... People's who are not married that is private business. If this was the man I were to marry and he freely told me such a thing like that after I asked... Well, that would be my dealbreaker. I just being honest. Too bad for him that I distrusted his honesty because I can't handle his answer. Oh well, life moves on... That's my opinion & he can find someone else to tolerate the bull.

Yep. Yes, it's private business, it's just that if it gets beyond the friendship thing, I only think it's fair to be honest about everything. Ya know what I mean?

lol and I agree with your opinion.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Yep. Yes, it's private business, it's just that if it gets beyond the friendship thing, I only think it's fair to be honest about everything. Ya know what I mean?

lol and I agree with your opinion.

So dude was being honest. Brutally so. And the OP is ambivalent about the answer. If anything s/he needs to be honest with him/herself. Where did the fairness go?

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So dude was being honest. Brutally so. And the OP is ambivalent about the answer. If anything s/he needs to be honest with him/herself. Where did the fairness go?

Yep. And if she's not being fair to herself and/or she feels uncertain about it, then I think she should just break up with him.

[CutiePie2000]

I'd be interested to see what the responses would be if you asked this question in a country like Norway or Sweden where their attitudes towards sex are somewhat...uh..."different" from ours (Ours meaning "North Americans").

As for the original question, well, it's not called "The World's Oldest Profession" for nothing. And from the sounds of it, it will always bother you, it's ruined your perception of who you thought he was, so you might as well just end it now.

[dreamseeker]

Originally Posted by CutiePie2000

And from the sounds of it, it will always bother you, it's ruined your perception of who you thought he was, so you might as well just end it now.

and another honest dude bites the dust. sheesh.

[AGDee]

Personally, I don't hold most things that people did during their "youth" against them, particularly if they've since grown up. I did plenty of things when I was younger that, after doing them, I decided wasn't the smartest/best thing to do. Thank goodness everybody in my life doesn't hold those things against me. As someone in my mid-40's, I can truly say that I've changed greatly since my mid-late twenties. Especially if it was a one time thing, never repeated and no longer desired by the person.

[SugarANDSpice]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

AKA_Monet, yet again you blow me away with your posts. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

I think most of us at one point in our lives explore our sexual side and a 3some is just that for some people. What bothered me is that he payed for it, not the fact that it was a 3some. It's the prostitute/hooker part that bothered me.

33girl, I've been thinking about myself 15 years ago and althought I never paid for sex, there are some things I would say I am embarrassed about. You are correct in that I am not the same person anymore and would hate to be judged by my actions then.

This whole thing with him being so brutally honest with me on this issue has forced me to really sit down and think about what I've been looking for in my life. I've always wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship where there were no lies. I always thought that would be pretty cool. I think I prefer to deal with the ugly truth no matter how hard it was as opposed to live in a lie being played as a fool. Ive been thinking about this a lot lately and realized I'm one of those people that prefers to know the truth than to live clueless.

Although I admit sometimes the truth has knocked me off my feet many times. . . I always bounce back. I think I prefer it that way. I read somewhere once that knowing the truth gives one the choice to decide how to proceed with that information, as opposed to not having a choice at all because one believes a lie. (If I decide to stay or leave - it's my choice. He does not get to make the choice for me by telling me a lie and thus resulting in me staying.)

I would not stay with someone while holding something against him. Punishing him like that would make us both miserable. Plus I do appreciate his honesty. I realize most men would have lied or denied.

I decided I'm going to keep getting to know him. I considered his good qualities and what I am looking for. Amongst other thinngs, he is a really nice man who goes to church and does community service like me. That's where we met - doing community service. He did not go to church 15 years ago. He said that thing in Mexico was a one time thing, he did not do it again and most importantly he never wanted to do it again. He claims that's not who he is anymore. He also protected himself (the test results we took before we had sex with each other revealed all negative). Presently he desires a 1-on-1 relationship (no 3somes!) where there are no lies/secrets. Can I handle that? I think it's worth a try because I've had the opposite in a relationship where there are too many lies and that was no fun.

I figure if red flags start popping up, then I know he's not the guy for me. But if telling the truth about his past (past = before me) is the worst he's got - even if it was what it was - I should be fine. I do believe people can change after 15 years. I prefer that he keep on being honest with me and not try to lie to me even if it is about his past.

Anyway, I greatly appreciated your opinions. It did help me to sort my thoughts out. And yes, AKA_Monet, I also think it's funny (for lack of a better word) that I posted this on GC Dating and Relationships ;-) Thanks GC

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

I think I prefer to deal with the ugly truth no matter how hard it was as opposed to live in a lie being played as a fool. Ive been thinking about this a lot lately and realized I'm one of those people that prefers to know the truth than to live clueless.

Although I admit sometimes the truth has knocked me off my feet many times. . . I always bounce back. I think I prefer it that way.

Sounds like you've done your own soul-searching and I applaud your efforts of reaching a resolution to your situation.

I caution you to also know that in serious relationships, those issues that only scratch will gnaw over time. While you could trust him implicitly, can you trust him around other "highly attractive" women? Do you know if he can "only have eyes for you"? The question for you is about YOUR TRUST! Not his, because he is confident when trusting you...

[SugarANDSpice]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Sounds like you've done your own soul-searching and I applaud your efforts of reaching a resolution to your situation.

I caution you to also know that in serious relationships, those issues that only scratch will gnaw over time. While you could trust him implicitly, can you trust him around other "highly attractive" women? Do you know if he can "only have eyes for you"? The question for you is about YOUR TRUST! Not his, because he is confident when trusting you...

See! There you go again! lol

Yes, you bring up very valid and real points. Only time will tell. It has only been 8 months. So far, he has not shown me any reason to distrust him in any way whatsoever, even around other "highly attractive" women. He "only has eyes for me" which is something I really like about him. One of the reasons I was so surprised by the story he shared with me is b/c he is not a person I would think would ever do what he did 15 years ago. But I realize that's me knowing him today, not me knowing him 15 years ago. Today, he is a very grounded, responsible person who has his priorities in order. It has only been 8 months and only time will tell if the person he is today is really who he is or if that person from 15 years ago still comes out from time to time.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

See! There you go again! lol

Yes, you bring up very valid and real points. Only time will tell. It has only been 8 months. So far, he has not shown me any reason to distrust him in any way whatsoever, even around other "highly attractive" women. He "only has eyes for me" which is something I really like about him. One of the reasons I was so surprised by the story he shared with me is b/c he is not a person I would think would ever do what he did 15 years ago. But I realize that's me knowing him today, not me knowing him 15 years ago. Today, he is a very grounded, responsible person who has his priorities in order. It has only been 8 months and only time will tell if the person he is today is really who he is or if that person from 15 years ago still comes out from time to time.

Another issue I hadn't considered before: your man likes how he is around you. He told you these comments to see if it will freak you out. There could be more freaky things--but don't ask. Let it come out over time. The more comfortable he feels in sharing, the more he trusts you. Let him be the open book...

[I.A.S.K.]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

LOL.

It's like a snooping person getting angry when they find something. Sitchoassdownsomewhere. LOL.

idied @ sitchoassdownsomewhere.
Hey, snoopy can get angry even if snoopy shouldn't have snooped. Shoot I would. lol. Now whats stupid is the snoopies who get angry when they don't find anything. Wheretheydothatat?

Glad to see that she's giving the guy a chance. My question would be why did he have to pay for the nookie? I get that it was a 3 some, but with the world wide interwebz and all the horny freaknasties out there he had to pay for it? idk.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

I've been seeing this gentleman for 8 months and it has been wonderful.
he hired 2 prostitutes for a 3some.

Damn!

8 months isn't long, so yeah it's "wonderful" right now, but it's about feeling the same way about the relationship LONG after the newness has worn off. The fact that you have questions tells me you're not happy. He won't be happy if you're not happy. To me, a relationship is not about finding someone to make me happy, it's more about learning to make her happy. It's not about "getting" as much as it is about "giving". You have to make each other happy. IMO.

Also, how you see yourself determines who you will be with long term and happy with. If you have low-self esteem and don't have a positive and healthy regard for yourself, you will settle for anyone who shows any interest in you.

Long story short, you might want to bounce, roll, and skate the hell on out of this one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BBCfoO2_U98