Paying for sex - is this more common than I thought?

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

Uh, should I be happy he trusted me enough to tell me? I realize this is hard for men to do because of how we women react to their honesty. . . A part of me is very disappointed that he has it in his character to do something like this, even if it was 15 years ago. He also mentioned that it is not uncommon for men in their 20s to pay for sex as a one time thing, for exploration purposes. Is this true?

Anyway, I was just wondering what GCers thougth about this? Any personal experiences would be appreciated, but opiniions are good too.

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

My question to you is can such a intimate act be purchased for money? What are your values on this concept?

What makes me have that question is in a serious relationship, often leading to marriage, it is unwise to get into, "acts" and "rewards" activities--if you do "A" or if you're nice to me, or if you lose weight, or if you do this for me; then I will do... SOMETIMES it can get into a domestically violent situation. Do you want a hint of that or do you want to push it to the limits?

What are your values? How does he honor them, then? These can't be spoken just by words--actions speak louder than words.

Men paying for sex workers is a problem globally. Those are the facts. It is the PAYING not just the act. The issue is what values. What, he can't keep his penis in his pants enough wait for sex that he appreciates?

The fact that you are posting this on a Greek Lettered Organization board under "dating and relationships" suggests that this one fact does concern you. Relevancy to GLO's??? It's all good, because many of us are health care professionals, too.

[33girl]

This was 15 years ago. I'd hate if a man judged me now on what I did 15 years ago. It might behoove you to look at this in the same manner. Are you the same person now that you were then?

Personally, I'd rather hear he paid for a threesome (or even just one hooker) than had it with 2 girls he works with and sees every day. I honestly just don't think this is that big of a deal.

Although, for his sake, you should probably leave him, because you're going to be throwing this in his face every time ANYTHING goes wrong - the writing on the wall is pretty clear about that.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

My question to you is can such a intimate act be purchased for money? What are your values on this concept?

What makes me have that question is in a serious relationship, often leading to marriage, it is unwise to get into, "acts" and "rewards" activities--if you do "A" or if you're nice to me, or if you lose weight, or if you do this for me; then I will do... SOMETIMES it can get into a domestically violent situation. Do you want a hint of that or do you want to push it to the limits?

What are your values? How does he honor them, then? These can't be spoken just by words--actions speak louder than words.

Men paying for sex workers is a problem globally. Those are the facts. It is the PAYING not just the act. The issue is what values. What, he can't keep his penis in his pants enough wait for sex that he appreciates?

The fact that you are posting this on a Greek Lettered Organization board under "dating and relationships" suggests that this one fact does concern you. Relevancy to GLO's??? It's all good, because many of us are health care professionals, too.

I was going to cut and say "THIS" to what I bolded, but this WHOLE post is really, really good. I couldn't agree more.

I swear, if I was dating a guy who told me he paid for sex at ANY time in his life, I would be SO outta there. That's disgusting! Seriously. But I still would have a lot of respect for him for being honest with me.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

I was going to cut and say "THIS" to what I bolded, but this WHOLE post is really, really good. I couldn't agree more.

I swear, if I was dating a guy who told me he paid for sex at ANY time in his life, I would be SO outta there. That's disgusting! Seriously. But I still would have a lot of respect for him for being honest with me.

Thanks.

Let's be honest: I am not going to Al Anon meeting for sex abuse and say "Hi, my name is AKA_Monet and I am intolerant of bullshit!" Sure chick asked, dude answered honestly. Sure he prolly is going to be judged on things that happened 15 years ago. But seriously, I am one to say "a leopard never changes its spots" and really, not my problem. I see it as a character flaw--not as a whoops, I got a speeding ticket-kinna thing. But that's me.

Everyone has a past history and some things are important. Talking about people's past is discretionary. And the OP's post said that dude stated that "a lot of 20 year olds do this"-and the tone I read was a "matter of fact-ly"...

NO! Not a lot of 20-something year olds buy sex with prostitutes! That is bullshit! There are studies that show that men who buy sex from prostitutes often have psychotic tendencies similar to a rapist, and often have a personality disorder. Just ask RAINN.org.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Thanks.

Let's be honest: I am not going to Al Anon meeting for sex abuse and say "Hi, my name is AKA_Monet and I am intolerant of bullshit!" Sure chick asked, dude answered honestly. Sure he prolly is going to be judged on things that happened 15 years ago. But seriously, I am "a leopard never changes its spots" and really, notone to say my problem. I see it as a character flaw--not as a whoops, I got a speeding ticket-kinna thing. But that's me.

Everyone has a past history and some things are important. Talking about people's past is discretionary. And the OP's post said that dude stated that "a lot of 20 year olds do this"-and the tone I read was a "matter of fact-ly"...

NO! Not a lot of 20-something year olds buy sex with prostitutes! That is bullshit! There are studies that show that men who buy sex from prostitutes often have psychotic tendencies similar to a rapist, and often have a personality disorder. Just ask RAINN.org.

Yep. I mean, what's wrong with being upfront? I just think it's based on what I can deal with and what I can't, and I personally don't call that judging. I believe people can change their lives and completely turn it around, but what that guy did is too much. At least it would be for me. Prostitutes? That's so gross. There's no way. I'm with you all the way, AKA_Monet. It's only fair to both people to be upfront and honest with each other.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Yep. I mean, what's wrong with being upfront? I just think it's based on what I can deal with and what I can't, and I personally don't call that judging. I believe people can change their lives and completely turn it around, but what that guy did is too much. At least it would be for me. Prostitutes? That's so gross. There's no way. I'm with you all the way, AKA_Monet. It's only fair to both people to be upfront and honest with each other.

So asking a question, even in jest, about such a thing means one must be ready for the answer... People's who are not married that is private business. If this was the man I were to marry and he freely told me such a thing like that after I asked... Well, that would be my dealbreaker. I just being honest. Too bad for him that I distrusted his honesty because I can't handle his answer. Oh well, life moves on... That's my opinion & he can find someone else to tolerate the bull.

[cheerfulgreek]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

So asking a question, even in jest, about such a thing means one must be ready for the answer... People's who are not married that is private business. If this was the man I were to marry and he freely told me such a thing like that after I asked... Well, that would be my dealbreaker. I just being honest. Too bad for him that I distrusted his honesty because I can't handle his answer. Oh well, life moves on... That's my opinion & he can find someone else to tolerate the bull.

Yep. Yes, it's private business, it's just that if it gets beyond the friendship thing, I only think it's fair to be honest about everything. Ya know what I mean?

lol and I agree with your opinion.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by cheerfulgreek

Yep. Yes, it's private business, it's just that if it gets beyond the friendship thing, I only think it's fair to be honest about everything. Ya know what I mean?

lol and I agree with your opinion.

So dude was being honest. Brutally so. And the OP is ambivalent about the answer. If anything s/he needs to be honest with him/herself. Where did the fairness go?

[SugarANDSpice]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

If you say he is your "Mr. Right"--the rule generally is, don't ask questions unless your are mentally prepared for the answer... Now you may have been joking, but he honestly told you the truth. The follow up is would he pay for sex with any woman, threesome or not again? Is it the fact he had a sexually explicit kind of interaction, i.e. threesome that bothers you? Or is it the fact that he paid for it?

AKA_Monet, yet again you blow me away with your posts. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.

I think most of us at one point in our lives explore our sexual side and a 3some is just that for some people. What bothered me is that he payed for it, not the fact that it was a 3some. It's the prostitute/hooker part that bothered me.

33girl, I've been thinking about myself 15 years ago and althought I never paid for sex, there are some things I would say I am embarrassed about. You are correct in that I am not the same person anymore and would hate to be judged by my actions then.

This whole thing with him being so brutally honest with me on this issue has forced me to really sit down and think about what I've been looking for in my life. I've always wondered what it would be like to be in a relationship where there were no lies. I always thought that would be pretty cool. I think I prefer to deal with the ugly truth no matter how hard it was as opposed to live in a lie being played as a fool. Ive been thinking about this a lot lately and realized I'm one of those people that prefers to know the truth than to live clueless.

Although I admit sometimes the truth has knocked me off my feet many times. . . I always bounce back. I think I prefer it that way. I read somewhere once that knowing the truth gives one the choice to decide how to proceed with that information, as opposed to not having a choice at all because one believes a lie. (If I decide to stay or leave - it's my choice. He does not get to make the choice for me by telling me a lie and thus resulting in me staying.)

I would not stay with someone while holding something against him. Punishing him like that would make us both miserable. Plus I do appreciate his honesty. I realize most men would have lied or denied.

I decided I'm going to keep getting to know him. I considered his good qualities and what I am looking for. Amongst other thinngs, he is a really nice man who goes to church and does community service like me. That's where we met - doing community service. He did not go to church 15 years ago. He said that thing in Mexico was a one time thing, he did not do it again and most importantly he never wanted to do it again. He claims that's not who he is anymore. He also protected himself (the test results we took before we had sex with each other revealed all negative). Presently he desires a 1-on-1 relationship (no 3somes!) where there are no lies/secrets. Can I handle that? I think it's worth a try because I've had the opposite in a relationship where there are too many lies and that was no fun.

I figure if red flags start popping up, then I know he's not the guy for me. But if telling the truth about his past (past = before me) is the worst he's got - even if it was what it was - I should be fine. I do believe people can change after 15 years. I prefer that he keep on being honest with me and not try to lie to me even if it is about his past.

Anyway, I greatly appreciated your opinions. It did help me to sort my thoughts out. And yes, AKA_Monet, I also think it's funny (for lack of a better word) that I posted this on GC Dating and Relationships ;-) Thanks GC

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

I think I prefer to deal with the ugly truth no matter how hard it was as opposed to live in a lie being played as a fool. Ive been thinking about this a lot lately and realized I'm one of those people that prefers to know the truth than to live clueless.

Although I admit sometimes the truth has knocked me off my feet many times. . . I always bounce back. I think I prefer it that way.

Sounds like you've done your own soul-searching and I applaud your efforts of reaching a resolution to your situation.

I caution you to also know that in serious relationships, those issues that only scratch will gnaw over time. While you could trust him implicitly, can you trust him around other "highly attractive" women? Do you know if he can "only have eyes for you"? The question for you is about YOUR TRUST! Not his, because he is confident when trusting you...

[SugarANDSpice]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Sounds like you've done your own soul-searching and I applaud your efforts of reaching a resolution to your situation.

I caution you to also know that in serious relationships, those issues that only scratch will gnaw over time. While you could trust him implicitly, can you trust him around other "highly attractive" women? Do you know if he can "only have eyes for you"? The question for you is about YOUR TRUST! Not his, because he is confident when trusting you...

See! There you go again! lol

Yes, you bring up very valid and real points. Only time will tell. It has only been 8 months. So far, he has not shown me any reason to distrust him in any way whatsoever, even around other "highly attractive" women. He "only has eyes for me" which is something I really like about him. One of the reasons I was so surprised by the story he shared with me is b/c he is not a person I would think would ever do what he did 15 years ago. But I realize that's me knowing him today, not me knowing him 15 years ago. Today, he is a very grounded, responsible person who has his priorities in order. It has only been 8 months and only time will tell if the person he is today is really who he is or if that person from 15 years ago still comes out from time to time.

[AKA_Monet]

Originally Posted by SugarANDSpice

See! There you go again! lol

Yes, you bring up very valid and real points. Only time will tell. It has only been 8 months. So far, he has not shown me any reason to distrust him in any way whatsoever, even around other "highly attractive" women. He "only has eyes for me" which is something I really like about him. One of the reasons I was so surprised by the story he shared with me is b/c he is not a person I would think would ever do what he did 15 years ago. But I realize that's me knowing him today, not me knowing him 15 years ago. Today, he is a very grounded, responsible person who has his priorities in order. It has only been 8 months and only time will tell if the person he is today is really who he is or if that person from 15 years ago still comes out from time to time.

Another issue I hadn't considered before: your man likes how he is around you. He told you these comments to see if it will freak you out. There could be more freaky things--but don't ask. Let it come out over time. The more comfortable he feels in sharing, the more he trusts you. Let him be the open book...

[SugarANDSpice]

Originally Posted by AKA_Monet

Another issue I hadn't considered before: your man likes how he is around you. He told you these comments to see if it will freak you out. There could be more freaky things--but don't ask. Let it come out over time. The more comfortable he feels in sharing, the more he trusts you. Let him be the open book...

Funny you should say that. One of the things he claims to love about being with me is that he can be himself and we can talk about anything. He obviously trusts me. I'm sure if I just sit back and listen, he will reveal himself to me in time. That's the case with everybody as long as we really LISTEN.