Truth and your relationship

[DaemonSeid]

How long in a relationship do you think people should be in before certain layers of thier life they reveal to thier partner?

Do you think that no matter what, there are still certain aspects of one's life that should never be revealed?

Can you think of anytime that you or someone close to you revealed something to a mate that either potentially could have or did truly damage a relationship? What was the circumstance? Should they have waited longer or never said anything?

[texas*princess]

i know i can be naiive sometimes, but really, I think you should be honest upfront.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

i know i can be naiive sometimes, but really, I think you should be honest upfront.

so, how honest is HONEST?

sometimes honesty can ruin a relationship....

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

How long in a relationship do you think people should be in before certain layers of thier life they reveal to thier partner?

Do you think that no matter what, there are still certain aspects of one's life that should never be revealed?

I think the question is too broad as currently posed.

I mean, think about it like this - most people would say that it's completely fine to omit or neglect to mention to your partner the time you blew the bassist in Foreigner when you got drunk backstage. Most guys wouldn't want to know. Almost everyone would agree that it shouldn't really have any bearing on the current relationship.

Most people would say they do want to know if you performed sex acts for drug money. However, this has questionable bearing on the current relationship (depending on the situation) - and there's a good chance the prejudicial character of the revelation would far outweigh its "value" (to loosely steal from our lawyerly friends).

That's why I say it's too broad - as posed, each and every side of the discussion appears "right." You can certainly be "too honest" to the extent that an honest explanation of your past can have disastrous effects on present relationships, when simply ignoring the past would have allowed things to continue on. Youthful indiscretions shouldn't be held against otherwise-mature adults who have their shit together. Partners should definitely feel entitled to honestly and openness. Relationships often benefit from openness, but are also often damaged by revelations that are unnecessary (however, often this is a good thing too - think about it).

I can tell you that, in my case, my relationship with my current girlfriend is very open and honest in most ways, but I have no desire to rehash the past if it doesn't matter today - whether it's my past or her past. It's not like either of us have been in jail or accidentally ran over the guy in the raincoat last summer, so maybe it's easy for me to say that, but I just don't think the overwhelming majority of what you do at 19 is that important to an adult relationship at 25.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by KSig RC

I think the question is too broad as currently posed.

I mean, think about it like this - most people would say that it's completely fine to omit or neglect to mention to your partner the time you blew the bassist in Foreigner when you got drunk backstage. Most guys wouldn't want to know. Almost everyone would agree that it shouldn't really have any bearing on the current relationship.

Most people would say they do want to know if you performed sex acts for drug money. However, this has questionable bearing on the current relationship (depending on the situation) - and there's a good chance the prejudicial character of the revelation would far outweigh its "value" (to loosely steal from our lawyerly friends).

That's why I say it's too broad - as posed, each and every side of the discussion appears "right." You can certainly be "too honest" to the extent that an honest explanation of your past can have disastrous effects on present relationships, when simply ignoring the past would have allowed things to continue on. Youthful indiscretions shouldn't be held against otherwise-mature adults who have their shit together. Partners should definitely feel entitled to honestly and openness. Relationships often benefit from openness, but are also often damaged by revelations that are unnecessary (however, often this is a good thing too - think about it).

I can tell you that, in my case, my relationship with my current girlfriend is very open and honest in most ways, but I have no desire to rehash the past if it doesn't matter today - whether it's my past or her past. It's not like either of us have been in jail or accidentally ran over the guy in the raincoat last summer, so maybe it's easy for me to say that, but I just don't think the overwhelming majority of what you do at 19 is that important to an adult relationship at 25.

Just left it broad to simply let it go where ever it would go....but please feel free to tighten it up as needed....

ideas

- past lovers

- health issues

- family

-finances

You all can feel free to take your pick and go for it.

[KSUViolet06]

I like honesty up front, that way I can choose whether I want to continue to be involved with that person. This is particularly true of the past lovers, family, and health issues. Finances don't need to be disclosed up front, but I feel entitled to know things that are potentially damaging to the relationship, such as "I have 3 kids", "I have HIV or some other STD", or "I have slept with a ton of other women."

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by KSUViolet06

I like honesty up front, that way I can choose whether I want to continue to be involved with that person. This is particularly true of the past lovers, family, and health issues. Finances don't need to be disclosed up front, but I feel entitled to know things that are potentially damaging to the relationship, such as "I have 3 kids", "I have HIV or some other STD", or "I have slept with a ton of other women."

agreed.

Yea, if a guy told me he's slept with 50 different girls and had some kind of STD, that would absolutely make me reconsider a relationship with him and it would likely lead to the end of the relationship, but you know what? He'd be a selfish bastard if he DIDN'T disclose that up front.

Case in point:

This sounds like a crazy story, but I promise it's real. My older sister went to Las Vegas with 5 other friends as part of a bachelorette party for their friend "Lisa".

(this was about a month before the wedding)

"Lisa" & "Dan" had been engaged for about a year, and dating several years. She knew he had one previous marriage and one child with the ex-wife. She had never met the child or ex-wife because Dan kept telling her how "crazy" his ex wife was.

The time came (about a week after the Vegas trip) for her to finally meet Dan's daughter.

On the way to the ex-wife's house, Dan tells her something to the effect of "I know this is a really awkward time, but I need to tell you, I have another child from another woman that I haven't told you about"

WTF?

Lisa decides that she cannot process that information AND meet the first kid on the same day because it was too much, so they head home. She asks him to pack an overnight bag and spend a few days with one of his friends since they shared an apartment.

That night, a couple of the bridesmaids went to Lisa/Dan's apartment to comfort and be there for her since she was really surprised by the news. Lisa decides that she needs to find out if he's hiding anything else from her and starts going through his stuff.

In his stuff, she found the titles to TWO cars -- one Mustang convertible, and one Porche. She also found some receipts for storage facilities...where presumably the cars were being held. She recognized the second name on both titles as one of Dan's "business partners". (The name was a female name)

So she calls that female business partner of his, and GET THIS - it turns out Dan is MARRIED TO HER. She was a Chinese immigrant or something and he had a deal with her parents to marry her so she could get citizenship. That's were the cars came from Lisa learned.

Let's keep in mind this is three weeks from the day Lisa & Dan were supposed to be married.

So Lisa is freaking out. She comes from a well-off family and she's been sharing expenses/ giving money to Dan to help him get buy and this whole time he's got expensive cars and some Chinese couple paying him money to stay married to their daughter.

Needless to say, their wedding did not happen b/c he lied to her and was a selfish prick.

So basically, if you're lying because you know the truth could ruin your relationship, you are a selfish jerk for keeping up with the lie. It's going to sting a lot more the longer you lie.

The only acceptable thing to not be completely honest about is when a woman asks a man if an article of clothing makes her look fat. The answer to that question is always 'no'.

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Just left it broad to simply let it go where ever it would go....but please feel free to tighten it up as needed....

ideas

- past lovers

- health issues

- family

-finances

You all can feel free to take your pick and go for it.

I know women (and men) say they want to know, but I don't think it's a good idea to disclose. Whether the number is high or low, it puts unnecessary pressure on the other party. The only reason I'd need to know about past lovers is if it's someone that is close to me (friend/relative) or if it encroaches on your present, i.e. STIs.

Health Issues (outside of STIs), it depends on what the issues are and where in the relationship you are. If you need a liver replacement for whatever reason, that isn't for me to know on the third date. But if we are approaching serious relationship, I'm calling you my man and vice versa, then that information needs to be shared.

Family, for me personally, it is one of my ultra private realms. Not everyone I date (and by date I mean going out/getting to know you phase, not boyfriend phase) is going to meet the family. I barely know you, so I'm definitely not going to bring you to all the family functions like we're a couple. In the same token family information (relationships/lack there of, issues, situations) are out of your pervue if we are just dating. As the relationship develops, then family introductions, information, etc. begin to happen.

Finances is the same as family. Only when we are nearing/in a relationship do we need to share intricacies of debt.

[Fawn Liebowitz]

Everybody has a past, and as long as there isn't anything that would affect a relationship now or in the future, maybe it's best to leave out the gory details. Sometimes total honesty can be too much of a good thing.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

How long in a relationship do you think people should be in before certain layers of thier life they reveal to thier partner?

Do you think that no matter what, there are still certain aspects of one's life that should never be revealed?

Can you think of anytime that you or someone close to you revealed something to a mate that either potentially could have or did truly damage a relationship? What was the circumstance? Should they have waited longer or never said anything?

I want to know upfront, because that will determine if we're compatible with each other. I think it's a form of deception when you're not upfront with the person you want to start a long term relationship with. One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest. If she's not upfront with me, then I would consider that lying. I think there are two types of liars. First there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. These are the jokers who lie when it would be a lot easier to be upfront and tell the truth. A lot of times people want to be upfront, but for one reason or another, can't pull it off. They fear they will lose the other person. The second category are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. At this point there is no fear of defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

I believe truthfulness and being upfront in relationships is the basis for almost everything. If she isn't upfront with me, I consider it to be deception and I have an absolute zero tolerance policy when it comes to a woman not being upfront and honest with me, especially when I've been upfront and honest with her.

[DaemonSeid]

Originally Posted by PrettyBoy

I want to know upfront, because that will determine if we're compatible with each other. I think it's a form of deception when you're not upfront with the person you want to start a long term relationship with. One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest. If she's not upfront with me, then I would consider that lying. I think there are two types of liars. First there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. These are the jokers who lie when it would be a lot easier to be upfront and tell the truth. A lot of times people want to be upfront, but for one reason or another, can't pull it off. They fear they will lose the other person. The second category are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. At this point there is no fear of defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

I believe truthfulness and being upfront in relationships is the basis for almost everything. If she isn't upfront with me, I consider it to be deception and I have an absolute zero tolerance policy when it comes to a woman not being upfront and honest with me, especially when I've been upfront and honest with her.

Funny how peopel say that and then the moment they learn somehting that skews our view of what we may perceive as someone compatible or 'perfect' and we are running for high ground...kinda makes watching Moment of Truth so painful to watch hmmm?

[Coramoor]

Ignorance is bliss. Everyone has a past, who are you to judge someone's life before you met?

While past behavior is a good indicator for how a person will act in the future, everyone makes mistakes and learns from them.

Granted, an example like texas*p is outside the range of acceptability.

[Cardinal026]

I only care about your past if it will, in any way, affect my future, or our relationship together.

Although I guess its easy for me to say, since I'm engaged to a man I've been dating for 7.5 years, since we were 16. But I'm pretty sure that's how I'd feel regardless.

[PrettyBoy]

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

Funny how peopel say that and then the moment they learn somehting that skews our view of what we may perceive as someone compatible or 'perfect' and we are running for high ground...kinda makes watching Moment of Truth so painful to watch hmmm?

I think this is true for people who haven't learned from their past relationships, but I've learned from mine. I know what I want, and what I don't want in a woman. Like I was saying in another thread, I think it's important to set a boundary with your past, that is, to deal with your old dating patterns as something that you're not destined to continue. I think your past can be your best friend or worst enemy in terms of helping you develop the right sort of dating relationships. Of course, no one enters the dating world competent and ready to go. You may come from a good family and relational background, or you may be a very well-rounded person. I think these are certainly advantages. But even given these advantages, the specific arena of dating, like any other relational undertaking, has to be experienced through hours and hours of trial and error. When I posted my earlier post I meant what I said and I said what I meant, based on past relationships with the wrong women. I think these past relationships can provide a great deal of necessary information on what to do and what to avoid in dating, either through the satisfaction of doing it right, or the pain of doing it wrong. The women I've dated in my past, I wouldn't give the time of day to now. I tolerated more back then. Now, there are certain things that I won't tolerate. There's no such thing as the perfect woman. But for me, when boundaries are set in place, they just keep out the wrong women. My reason for a zero tolerance policy.

[James]

I generally found that women want men to be completely honest upfront . . . so they can figure out how much to tell us about themselves.