Truth and your relationship
 

How long in a relationship do you think people should be in before certain layers of thier life they reveal to thier partner?

Do you think that no matter what, there are still certain aspects of one's life that should never be revealed?

Can you think of anytime that you or someone close to you revealed something to a mate that either potentially could have or did truly damage a relationship? What was the circumstance? Should they have waited longer or never said anything?

i know i can be naiive sometimes, but really, I think you should be honest upfront.

so, how honest is HONEST?

sometimes honesty can ruin a relationship....

I think the question is too broad as currently posed.

I mean, think about it like this - most people would say that it's completely fine to omit or neglect to mention to your partner the time you blew the bassist in Foreigner when you got drunk backstage. Most guys wouldn't want to know. Almost everyone would agree that it shouldn't really have any bearing on the current relationship.

Most people would say they do want to know if you performed sex acts for drug money. However, this has questionable bearing on the current relationship (depending on the situation) - and there's a good chance the prejudicial character of the revelation would far outweigh its "value" (to loosely steal from our lawyerly friends).

That's why I say it's too broad - as posed, each and every side of the discussion appears "right." You can certainly be "too honest" to the extent that an honest explanation of your past can have disastrous effects on present relationships, when simply ignoring the past would have allowed things to continue on. Youthful indiscretions shouldn't be held against otherwise-mature adults who have their shit together. Partners should definitely feel entitled to honestly and openness. Relationships often benefit from openness, but are also often damaged by revelations that are unnecessary (however, often this is a good thing too - think about it).

I can tell you that, in my case, my relationship with my current girlfriend is very open and honest in most ways, but I have no desire to rehash the past if it doesn't matter today - whether it's my past or her past. It's not like either of us have been in jail or accidentally ran over the guy in the raincoat last summer, so maybe it's easy for me to say that, but I just don't think the overwhelming majority of what you do at 19 is that important to an adult relationship at 25.

Just left it broad to simply let it go where ever it would go....but please feel free to tighten it up as needed....

ideas

- past lovers

- health issues

- family

-finances

You all can feel free to take your pick and go for it.

Everybody has a past, and as long as there isn't anything that would affect a relationship now or in the future, maybe it's best to leave out the gory details. Sometimes total honesty can be too much of a good thing.

agreed.

Yea, if a guy told me he's slept with 50 different girls and had some kind of STD, that would absolutely make me reconsider a relationship with him and it would likely lead to the end of the relationship, but you know what? He'd be a selfish bastard if he DIDN'T disclose that up front.

Case in point:

This sounds like a crazy story, but I promise it's real. My older sister went to Las Vegas with 5 other friends as part of a bachelorette party for their friend "Lisa".

(this was about a month before the wedding)

"Lisa" & "Dan" had been engaged for about a year, and dating several years. She knew he had one previous marriage and one child with the ex-wife. She had never met the child or ex-wife because Dan kept telling her how "crazy" his ex wife was.

The time came (about a week after the Vegas trip) for her to finally meet Dan's daughter.

On the way to the ex-wife's house, Dan tells her something to the effect of "I know this is a really awkward time, but I need to tell you, I have another child from another woman that I haven't told you about"

WTF?

Lisa decides that she cannot process that information AND meet the first kid on the same day because it was too much, so they head home. She asks him to pack an overnight bag and spend a few days with one of his friends since they shared an apartment.

That night, a couple of the bridesmaids went to Lisa/Dan's apartment to comfort and be there for her since she was really surprised by the news. Lisa decides that she needs to find out if he's hiding anything else from her and starts going through his stuff.

In his stuff, she found the titles to TWO cars -- one Mustang convertible, and one Porche. She also found some receipts for storage facilities...where presumably the cars were being held. She recognized the second name on both titles as one of Dan's "business partners". (The name was a female name)

So she calls that female business partner of his, and GET THIS - it turns out Dan is MARRIED TO HER. She was a Chinese immigrant or something and he had a deal with her parents to marry her so she could get citizenship. That's were the cars came from Lisa learned.

Let's keep in mind this is three weeks from the day Lisa & Dan were supposed to be married.

So Lisa is freaking out. She comes from a well-off family and she's been sharing expenses/ giving money to Dan to help him get buy and this whole time he's got expensive cars and some Chinese couple paying him money to stay married to their daughter.

Needless to say, their wedding did not happen b/c he lied to her and was a selfish prick.

So basically, if you're lying because you know the truth could ruin your relationship, you are a selfish jerk for keeping up with the lie. It's going to sting a lot more the longer you lie.

The only acceptable thing to not be completely honest about is when a woman asks a man if an article of clothing makes her look fat. The answer to that question is always 'no'. :)

I want to know upfront, because that will determine if we're compatible with each other. I think it's a form of deception when you're not upfront with the person you want to start a long term relationship with. One of the most important things that you can do in a dating relationship that is getting anywhere near serious is to be honest. If she's not upfront with me, then I would consider that lying. I think there are two types of liars. First there are liars who lie out of shame, guilt, fear of conflict or loss of love, and other fears. These are the jokers who lie when it would be a lot easier to be upfront and tell the truth. A lot of times people want to be upfront, but for one reason or another, can't pull it off. They fear they will lose the other person. The second category are liars who lie as a way of operating and deceive others for their own selfish ends. At this point there is no fear of defensiveness involved, just plain old lying for love of self.

I believe truthfulness and being upfront in relationships is the basis for almost everything. If she isn't upfront with me, I consider it to be deception and I have an absolute zero tolerance policy when it comes to a woman not being upfront and honest with me, especially when I've been upfront and honest with her.

Funny how peopel say that and then the moment they learn somehting that skews our view of what we may perceive as someone compatible or 'perfect' and we are running for high ground...kinda makes watching Moment of Truth so painful to watch hmmm?

Ignorance is bliss. Everyone has a past, who are you to judge someone's life before you met?

While past behavior is a good indicator for how a person will act in the future, everyone makes mistakes and learns from them.

Granted, an example like texas*p is outside the range of acceptability.

I only care about your past if it will, in any way, affect my future, or our relationship together.

Although I guess its easy for me to say, since I'm engaged to a man I've been dating for 7.5 years, since we were 16. But I'm pretty sure that's how I'd feel regardless.

What about family stuff that doesn't necessarily affect your relationship at all? Would that be acceptable to hide?

If we're in a committed relationship with marriage in the future (meaning we have both decided that that will be the next step), I should be familiar with your family and where you come from. I don't think it's acceptable to hide family things because I'm going to find out eventually. Then the hiding itself becomes a bigger problem than whatever it is that you were trying to hide, because I'll be upset over the fact that you kept something from me.

How's this for honesty.

A friend of mine from high school had a somewhat "wild" past that included drinking, drugs, and random sex. She cleaned up her act, got a degree, and became a born-again Christian. She's a truly sweet woman and a great person. She dated and became engaged to "Chris" who claimed he accepted her and her wild past though he did not want any details whatsoever about her wild past. He told her they should both let it go because if God forgave her for her sins, he could do so as well. 3 months after the wedding, "Chris" files for divorce because the subject of having children right away or waiting came up and she admitted that she had an abortion years before they met. That was the one thing his beliefs would not let him forgive so he ditched her for telling him the truth.