At the End of My Rope!

LatinaAlumna · #1 09-28-2007, 04:08 PM

I am at the end of my rope with two of my best girlfriends. I have known each of them since I was in 6th grade. They are both involved in awful relationships. One friend is married to a guy who is mentally and verbally abusive to her. The other is dating a guy who is manipulative, lacks common courtesy, and shows all the signs of a cheater. They have both asked me for my opinion on their situations, and since I have known these women since we were kids, I was honest. They need to drop these clowns! I stated all my reasons why I think they each deserve better. However, they just continue to allow themselves to be manipulated over and over again (this has been going on for several years with the married friend, and several months with the one who is dating the guy).

At least once a week, these two call me up, crying over something that these characters did or did not do. When they don't call about it, they are constantly texting me about it. We can't even go out and enjoy lunch or a movie anymore because the entire outing consists of them complaining about these guys. Actually, the married one cannot even come out anymore because she is NOT ALLOWED to.

I am so stressed because I keep seeing these two dear friends hurt. I have told each of them that I am always here for them, but that I will no longer give any opinions on their situations because I've said what I had to say, and that's all. I've noticed that the other gals we hang out with do not come around as much (I think they are just fed up with the drama). I don't want to do the same, or abandon my friends because they have been good to me all my life. I pray daily about this, and I need some advise, please.

(Normally I wouldn't put a personal problem out on an internet board, but I want to refrain from discussing this situation with other friends in our group, and need some un-biased opinions.)

SydneyK · #2 09-28-2007, 04:17 PM

It's always hard to see people we love in situations we hate. But, since these women are grown, they, as you know, are the only ones who can do anything about it.

Perhaps you should keep a detailed log for a month... and after that month, when one of them starts to complain about things, you can hand her the log and say, "Look. Just look at this. Then tell me if this is just going to be another complaint, or if you're actually going to do anything about it."

I can see how this is draining for you. And I can see why your other mutual friends have given up. What would your two relationship-challenged friends say if they read your post?

SWTXBelle · #3 09-28-2007, 04:30 PM

I don't think it would be out of line for you to tell them that you love them, and want the best for them, but it is draining for them to complain to you when they don't plan to change the situation. Support them, but understand you may to back off if all they want to do is complain. It is obviously sucking your energy to just hear a litany of complaints

LatinaAlumna · #4 09-28-2007, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SydneyK

I can see how this is draining for you. And I can see why your other mutual friends have given up. What would your two relationship-challenged friends say if they read your post?

If they saw my post...I think they would feel badly. Actually, each of them has admitted that they need to get out of their respective relationships, but they don't take any steps to do so. With the married friend, a few of us have offered to house her if she wants to leave him but doesn't want to feel alone (She makes far more money than he does, and could easily afford her own place, but we were thinking maybe she would want some support at first if she left.).

Quote:

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

I don't think it would be out of line for you to tell them that you love them, and want the best for them, but it is draining for them to complain to you when they don't plan to change the situation. Support them, but understand you may to back off if all they want to do is complain. It is obviously sucking your energy to just hear a litany of complaints

You're right. I've told them that I'm not giving them any more advice on these matters, but I haven't worked up the nerve to let them know they are draining me. I think I need to do that.

Thanks, ladies!

SWTXBelle · #5 09-28-2007, 04:43 PM

Good luck - you are a good friend to these women, even if they don't recognize that right now.

LatinaAlumna · #6 09-28-2007, 04:45 PM

^Thank you.

LatinaAlumna · #7 09-28-2007, 11:43 PM

^Good point.

When you put it in those terms, I almost sound just as bad as these two friends of mine (letting someone else just take and take from me, while not getting much in return). I hadn't thought about it that way before.

Thank you, AKA_Monet. You have given me a new angle to consider here.

LatinaAlumna · #8 09-29-2007, 12:56 AM

Thank you, Velocity_14! I agree with what you and the others have said. I need to put a stop to this cycle.

I have been thinking a lot about what is driving these two to stay with these losers. It boils down to these ladies not wanting to be alone. I doubt either of them would be lonely if they dropped their current partners. They are both well educated, friendly, and attractive...but for some reason, desperate to the point they'll put up with anything. You know what's odd, though? The friend with the boyfriend is constantly talking smack about the friend with the abusive husband (saying that *she* is brainwashed, *she* needs to leave *her* man, etc.)! Unbelievable!

I appreciate the perspective that all of you ladies have provided here. I am supposed to meet up with friend #2 (the one with the boyfriend) for a movie tomorrow. I think I will suggest we also go for coffee and have a good talk.

I'll let you know what happens.

PrettyBoy · #9 09-29-2007, 03:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

I am at the end of my rope with two of my best girlfriends. I have known each of them since I was in 6th grade. They are both involved in awful relationships. One friend is married to a guy who is mentally and verbally abusive to her. The other is dating a guy who is manipulative, lacks common courtesy, and shows all the signs of a cheater. They have both asked me for my opinion on their situations, and since I have known these women since we were kids, I was honest. They need to drop these clowns! I stated all my reasons why I think they each deserve better. However, they just continue to allow themselves to be manipulated over and over again (this has been going on for several years with the married friend, and several months with the one who is dating the guy).

At least once a week, these two call me up, crying over something that these characters did or did not do. When they don't call about it, they are constantly texting me about it. We can't even go out and enjoy lunch or a movie anymore because the entire outing consists of them complaining about these guys. Actually, the married one cannot even come out anymore because she is NOT ALLOWED to.

I am so stressed because I keep seeing these two dear friends hurt. I have told each of them that I am always here for them, but that I will no longer give any opinions on their situations because I've said what I had to say, and that's all. I've noticed that the other gals we hang out with do not come around as much (I think they are just fed up with the drama). I don't want to do the same, or abandon my friends because they have been good to me all my life. I pray daily about this, and I need some advise, please.

(Normally I wouldn't put a personal problem out on an internet board, but I want to refrain from discussing this situation with other friends in our group, and need some un-biased opinions.)

Does your friend that's married have any kids? I'm asking because a lot of couples stay married miserable because of the kids. For the friend that is dating the guy who's no good for her, maybe she has low self esteem. Women that continue to date guys like this usually do have low self esteem. I have female associates that are in bad relationships and whenever they complain to me about the thugs they're with, I just tell them "You got what you wanted." Try telling them that.

AGDee · #10 09-29-2007, 03:37 AM

Another angle you could take is saying something like "Look, as your friend, I am here for you, but your problems in your relationship are beyond what I can help with. Here is the number for a good marriage (relationship) counselor. If you want me to come with you to the first appointment for moral support, I will, because I really hope you seek some professional support for your situation."

CutiePie2000 · #11 09-29-2007, 10:55 PM

I think these 2 women know deep down that the men that they are with are 'no good', but they are are hoping that their instincts are wrong and that you will tell them differently.

Sadly, "you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink".

I think you need to allow them to continue in these relationships until the relationships end (yes, it will be difficult for you to do this, but they are adults and must be given the free choice to do as they will), and then be there for them for they are newly single again.

You are a good friend, but I would not take on any more of their grief. Give yourself some distance from them. (P.S. I like the suggestion of referring them to a professional counsellor. They might help them to see the "light" of their situation.)

LatinaAlumna · #12 10-01-2007, 12:22 AM

I have an update.

All I can say is that prayer WORKS because one of my friends has taken some action!

As you recall, I mentioned that friend #2's boyfriend was exhibiting all signs of a cheater. Well, I believe that God put her in a place to see and hear what she needed to see and hear yesterday! In the morning, she decided to randomly show up at the dude's house because he hadn't been returning her phone calls. When she knocked on the door, he called out ANOTHER WOMAN'S name!

Well, you can imagine what happened next. That was the proof my friend needed. The dude starts back-peddling but it was to no avail. My friend got him to admit that he is seeing MULTIPLE other women. He was expecting one of those women in the morning, and was totally shocked to see my friend instead. My friend was able to get a bicycle she had left there, but he was shoo-ing her out when she tried to get the rest of her belongings.

I found out about all this when I met up with her last night for a bite to eat. She actually wanted to roll up to his house and retrieve the rest of her stuff. I talked her out of that because there is no point. So, thankfully, she is through with this guy, but still pretty upset.

But regarding friend #1, who is married:

Quote:

Does your friend that's married have any kids? I'm asking because a lot of couples stay married miserable because of the kids.

Thankfully, no. However, she is thinking that they should have one next year in an attempt to "make the relationship better." Of course, we've all told her that this is the WORST thing to do EVER. I actually called her last night to invite her to go to dinner with me and our other friend, but she said, "Well, I really don't like to go out anymore. I'm not into that any longer. I just prefer to stay home now."

Okay, we are talking about someone who was one of the world's biggest partiers just a couple years ago. She is completely brainwashed. She even speaks in a slow, small voice now.

I am going to try to locate a counselor in her area to see if maybe she'd want to go. She's got to do something.

Sugar08 · #13 10-01-2007, 09:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LatinaAlumna

Thankfully, no. However, she is thinking that they should have one next year in an attempt to "make the relationship better."

If she actually believes that... well, I'll refrain from being too harsh ... but she's gotten beyond the point where you can help her.

She has got to talk to someone. This is more about her than it is about her relationship with the husband.

Good luck!

33girl · #14 10-01-2007, 10:26 AM

#1 honestly sounds like she's being abused, if not physically, then emotionally/mentally.

LatinaAlumna · #15 10-01-2007, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaemonSeid

1. You have known them since 6th grade....have you all grown together since that time? It's good that you have that kind of relationship that lasts over time like this but as it's said, sometimes you have to let people go. You get to a certain point that you outgrow your friends which brings me to point number

Well, we have known each other since we were about 11, and we've had periods where we weren't as close because we all weren't living in the same region, etc. It is surprising to see my married friend acting like this because she was always, in my opinion, the most independent one in the bunch. She was the one who always stood up to her parents; She was the one who would ALWAYS kick a guy to the curb who wasn't treating her right. She was so strong before she met this loser.

I guess you can say my other friend was somewhat of a late bloomer. She was afraid to talk to boys as a teen, and didn't have a serious boyfriend until after college. This was only her second "relationship" ever, and she's 32. I know this is part of her problem. The first boyfriend she had (for 4 years) never treated her properly, so she doesn't even really grasp what it means to be in a healthy relationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sugar08

If she actually believes that... well, I'll refrain from being too harsh ... but she's gotten beyond the point where you can help her.

She has got to talk to someone. This is more about her than it is about her relationship with the husband.

You're right. Some of our other friends have suggested having an intervention with her (because even her siblings have noticed a negative change in her), and having a professional there to follow up with her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

#1 honestly sounds like she's being abused, if not physically, then emotionally/mentally.

Yes, you are correct. Right now it is emotional and mental abuse, and I am afraid it might go further than that at some point.