Hyphenated last names

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Lil' Hannah

Does she just go by MaidenName HisName now?

LOL, sorry if the context didn't make it clear. She always went by her middle name, so now she goes by MiddleName MaidenName HisSurname.

So mom doesn't get any recognition in this deal?

Well, there is the patriarchy and everything. But she doesn't change her name either.

[Lil' Hannah]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

LOL, sorry if the context didn't make it clear. She always went by her middle name, so now she goes by MiddleName MaidenName HisSurname.

Gotcha. So many Southern first names are family surnames anyway, it probably wouldn't have sounded too strange.

[thetygerlily]

First- it's sad that this is a dealbreaker for him but she likely won't call it off. Unfortunately I think those types of relationships are fairly common, or at least more common than I'd like to see. My husband and I are both very strong-willed and neither will go down without a (verbal) fight

Originally Posted by RaggedyAnn

I took Andy's last name, but was surprised when I started being referred to as First Name, Maiden Name, Last Name when volunteering with my alma mater and the sorority.

I definitely get the rationale behind including it, but I feel like when they send me a letter or something, I don't need to see my maiden name. For official records, name tags, whatever- fine. But don't blast me with it. I dropped it for a reason! My biggest pet peeve, though? Being called Mr. and Mrs. Husband'sFirst LastName. By my college. Where both my husband and I attended and received degrees. If I didn't go there, okay, maybe I understand that it's HISTORICALLY acceptable (I'd get annoyed but not throw a fit). But- I did graduate from there, so I complained... Address us as Husband and Lily LastName. Two people, same last name. Genious! I started a mini revolution, several others complained after me thanks to the glories of Facebook.

I didn't feel much tie to my maiden name's family (only met the extended family once or twice), hated being at the end of the alphabet, and rebelled against having a masculine last name (male name + s... like Stevens, but not). I had no hesitation in dropping that altogether and adopting my husband's name... but because it is a Portuguese name, it is often misspelled (although it's a very common word in Spanish, the name equivalent uses a different spelling- so people always use the Spanish version). Eh, it's misspelled less than my maiden (people often dropped or changed letters at will).

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

BTW, if you do it like the Spanish, you would drop your mother's name when you marry and add your husband's. Your children would have your father's name added to the end of your husband's name.

My husband is Brazilian and that is kind of like how his family does it- but without the hyphens. So he has four names: First Mother'sMaiden Father'sMother'sMaiden Father'sFather'sLast. Although the FMM is actually two words (de + name) so he has five words in his name. So F MM de FMM FFL. No middle name- so when he came to the US and they suddenly started using Mother'sMaiden as his midden name & middle initial he was incredibly confused. Now he just goes with it... but begrudgingly

I had a lot to think about in choosing what names I would take. In Brazil I would take most of those names- but since we're in the US and to simplify things, I just took the last one (FFL). I'm not sure what we'll do with kids... probably just keep them to match mine, or maybe play with family names as middle names. But we aren't there yet so we'll figure it out when we get there!

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by thetygerlily

My biggest pet peeve, though? Being called Mr. and Mrs. Husband'sFirst LastName. By my college. Where both my husband and I attended and received degrees. If I didn't go there, okay, maybe I understand that it's HISTORICALLY acceptable (I'd get annoyed but not throw a fit).

You know it's funny, and a generational thing I know, but my mother hated being addressed as Mrs. HerFirstName Surname. Completely incorrect, she always said. She would say should either be Mrs. Husband'sFirstName Surname or simply HerFirstName Surname. In other words, she maintained taht if you use a first name with "Mrs.", it should be the husband's first name.

She finally got used to having people use Mrs. and her first name, but I don't think she ever got to where she liked it or thought it was proper.

[1stSoon2BePhD]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Meanwhile, when my sister got married, she just stopped using her first name.

Hmmm, so what did she use as a first name? My best friends mom stopped using her first name, moved her middle name to her first name, moved her maiden name to her middle name, and took her husbands last name.

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

You know it's funny, and a generational thing I know, but my mother hated being addressed as Mrs. HerFirstName Surname. Completely incorrect, she always said. She would say should either be Mrs. Husband'sFirstName Surname or simply HerFirstName Surname. In other words, she maintained taht if you use a first name with "Mrs.", it should be the husband's first name.

She finally got used to having people use Mrs. and her first name, but I don't think she ever got to where she liked it or thought it was proper.

Oh that is funny! I think that comes from a time where marriage was almost part of a status symbol- you take on part of that family's identity, and prove that you are good enough to get married. Well that's kind of the cynical boiled down version anyway. That's why it wouldn't have bothered me (as much) if it were from somewhere else... I know in the past that was just how it was, and what was expected. But we're not of those times anymore, and my school in particular sees a lot of marriages between graduates- so they're going to have to get with the times. I don't mind being a rabble-rouser if it brings us up to date.

I still pause a little when I hear "Mrs. MarriedName"... the Mrs. just seems weird. I mean, I know I'm married, I know that comes with the territory- but it seems so formal. I much prefer Ms. MarriedName or hey, we're in the 21st century, just call me Lily. No prefix required.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by 1stSoon2BePhD

Hmmm, so what did she use as a first name? My best friends mom stopped using her first name, moved her middle name to her first name, moved her maiden name to her middle name, and took her husbands last name.

Like I said above , this.

But if you asked her, she would say her first name is still "Mary" but that she doesn't use (or rarely uses) it anymore.

You know, on a slightly different tangent, this reminds me of the family plot in the cemetery. Going to back to my great-grandparents, all the footstones for the men/husbands say

FirstName MiddleName Surname.

The footstones for the women/wives all say

FirstName MiddleName MaidenName
Wife of FirstName MiddleName Surname

Originally Posted by thetygerlily

I still pause a little when I hear "Mrs. MarriedName"... the Mrs. just seems weird. I mean, I know I'm married, I know that comes with the territory- but it seems so formal. I much prefer Ms. MarriedName or hey, we're in the 21st century, just call me Lily. No prefix required.

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my background, but I don't like to be called "Mystic" by people I don't really know. It irks me no end for a random salesperson or someone similar to call me by my first name -- to me it smacks of trying to suggest a familiarity where there is none.

Yep, I've been known to have a salesperson say "HI, I'm Gregg, what's your name?", only to answer "Mr. Cat."

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my background, but I don't like to be called "Mystic" by people I don't really know. It irks me no end for a random salesperson or someone similar to call me by my first name -- to me it smacks of trying to suggest a familiarity where there is none.

Yep, I've been known to have a salesperson say "HI, I'm Gregg, what's your name?", only to answer "Mr. Cat."

^5

[GTAlphaPhi]

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.


Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

[pshsx1]

Originally Posted by SWTXBelle

I had a hyphenated last name during my first marriage - it was a major pain in the butt. People didn't know where to put me alphabetically and were constantly mangling it. I don't recommend it. My last name before my marriage was my father's, not my mother's - and what would my daughters do when they married - have a triple-hyphenated name?
Currently my maiden name is my middle name - I took the last name of my husband, but still retained my previous name. I'm happy with it.

My mom did this. I liked my mom's old middle name, though. Currently it's Brown.

One of my friends has a hyphenated name because his parents divorced and his mother kept her maiden name the whole time.

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.


Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

One of my friends is engaged and I think he plans on taking his fiancee's name.
I don't think there's any standard with last names in same-sex relationships nearly as much as male-female ones. It's just do what you want, I guess.

[DrPhil]

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

It's really no different than what has been said in most of the posts in this thread. They decided whether they want to legally keep their last names, hyphenate, or take one of the mate's last names. As for the latter, similar to opposite sex couples, same-sex couples often have a spouse who is considered the more dominant based on gender ideologies, power and status, or family background.

The "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition is dumb as far as I'm concerned.

[thetygerlily]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Maybe it's my age or maybe it's my background, but I don't like to be called "Mystic" by people I don't really know. It irks me no end for a random salesperson or someone similar to call me by my first name -- to me it smacks of trying to suggest a familiarity where there is none.

Yep, I've been known to have a salesperson say "HI, I'm Gregg, what's your name?", only to answer "Mr. Cat."

Maybe that goes back to my "youth", or to where I'm from... things do tend to be much more casual & laid back in the northwest. Just goes to show a blanket solution apparently doesn't work!

Perhaps we should start referring to you as Mr. Cat from now on? (j/k- but it would be funny to see that randomly show up in threads)

[KSUViolet06]

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.

Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

I don't think there's a standard. The same-sex couples I know made a hyphenated name out of both last names.

Ex: Suzie Jones and Jane Smith married and became Suzie and Jane Jones-Smith.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by GTAlphaPhi

I've always wondered, especially with the rise of same-sex marriages, how to deal with last names? While I know many same-sex spouses (gay and lesbian), all of them kept their own names.


Are any of you part of or know of same-sex marriages where one took the other's name, or somehow combined it? How do you/they decide who's name will be the family name? Since it's same-sex, there isn't the "man's-name-is-the-family-name" tradition because either they're both men, or in the case of a lesbian marriage, no men.

Originally Posted by pshsx1

One of my friends is engaged and I think he plans on taking his fiancee's name.
I don't think there's any standard with last names in same-sex relationships nearly as much as male-female ones. It's just do what you want, I guess.

My friends in Phoenix have been together for 10 years. They've never told us what to call them, but we have a three couple group that vacation together, etc. and the other two couples call them either "The Boys" or their last names hyphenated, ie. The Brown-Smiths or The Smith-Browns depending on which order you felt like putting it in at the time. I don't think they care in the least.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by thetygerlily

Perhaps we should start referring to you as Mr. Cat from now on?