Raining on someone's recruitment parade

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by Jobellesis

Carnation says I should put my post back, so here's what I think. It hurts a lot more for your child to be hurt than it does if you are hurt yourself. If my daughter's recruitment had been disappointing for her, I would have been extremely negative and bitter. Her rush turned out great, (She's also a Chi O), but I remember being upset because she couldn't understand why she was released from a couple of chapters after the third round. I can entirely see why momto2 is so unhappy and confused. If my child was crying and feeling bad about herself, you'd better believe I'd be upset and mad. I'd also think all those girls were all nuts if they didn't want my beautiful, smart daughter in their chapter. Until you've had a daughter go through, you can only imagine how you would feel if your daughter was rejected, especially when you know that she is just as terrific as many of the girls who received bids.

Jobellesis, I respect your points and I'm in complete greement with most of them.

I think the reason I jumped in the fray in the other thread (and I would highly resent ANYONE characterizing my response to momof2 as an attack -- I felt I worded my response as politely as possible) is that I felt she was telling us that she was blaming her daughter.. or at the very least, putting undue pressure on her daughter who just was released from one of the most competitive and stressful recruitments in the country.

I very much understand and respect what Carnation is saying -- that none of us who haven't had daughters go through recruitment can really understand what it's like to be a mom in that position. That said, I know what it's like to be a PNM and I can't tell you how heartbroken I'd be if my mom called me up after I was dropped from all groups on my campus and asked me if I "really tried hard enough" and if I "took this seriously" and questioned whether or not I belonged at my own college!

At the end of the day, no matter HOW heartbreaking a recruitment is for a PNM's mom, it is the PNM that faces the rejection. If a PNM wants to tell her mom that's she's going to be alright and that it's "not a big deal" that she was cut, there could be myriad reasons for why she says that. Maybe it really isn't a big deal to her. Maybe she's humiliated and doesn't want her mom to worry. Maybe she's crushed but trying to put the whole thing in perspective. I feel horribly for the moms on this board whose daughters have difficult recruitments, but I really can't excuse a heartbroken mom if she says hurtful things about her daughter -- even under the cloak of internet anonymity and message board venting.

[Jobellesis]

Momto2 will probably calm down and help her daughter move on after she's had a while to think. If her daughter has always wanted a sorority experience, it may take a little time for them to regroup. Some people (me included) need to blow off steam. Let's face it, though. The sorority experience can be terrific, and it's sad and disappointing to think you may not get to be a part of something that special.

I agree that the pnms are doing all they can and need no more pressure or blame from anyone if they are cut. (I would quote AChiOhSnap, but I not too good at quoting). Very seldom is a cut a personal thing, as we all know. On the other hand, if you're the one that's been cut by everyone, it has to hurt. While I agree that we should all be strong enough to move on, I can honestly say that I would have probably felt sad and rejected if this had happened to my child or me.

[oldrusheenowmom]

QUOTED from Auburnmom's FIRST post: I know that there are several GCer’s with friends/relatives rushing at Auburn this fall, so I figured if we all worked together, we could give you all enough details to keep you interested and tide you over until you get a real rush story (or at a minimal we can chat amongst ourselves while we wait for our daughter’s/relatives results)!

Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing- I believe she said "work together." I kind of think she was asking for others to join in and chat while WE wait for OUR (plural pronouns, I believe) results-- So I guess personally, I don't believe anyone could be guilty for changing the thread- I enjoyed learning about flowers, while Sweet Tea was in recruitment, and I wasn't offended, and I am guessing the op wasn't offended either.

[anygreekmom]

Originally Posted by Jobellesis

Carnation says I should put my post back, so here's what I think. It hurts a lot more for your child to be hurt than it does if you are hurt yourself. If my daughter's recruitment had been disappointing for her, I would have been extremely negative and bitter. Her rush turned out great, (She's also a Chi O), but I remember being upset because she couldn't understand why she was released from a couple of chapters after the third round. I can entirely see why momto2 is so unhappy and confused. If my child was crying and feeling bad about herself, you'd better believe I'd be upset and mad. I'd also think all those girls were all nuts if they didn't want my beautiful, smart daughter in their chapter. Until you've had a daughter go through, you can only imagine how you would feel if your daughter was rejected, especially when you know that she is just as terrific as many of the girls who received bids.

Amen! When your daughter calls you and is crying and asking you "what's wrong with me?", well...your heart breaks - into a million pieces. And maybe you don't have the most emotional response and you vent on a public forum out of sheer frustration and inability to fix your daughter's hurt. Should we fix it? Probably not - it's one of life's tough lessons and we all know that it will be okay in the long run. But this is not a rational situation...this is an emotional situation. And nothing tugs at a mother's heart more than our children - both their hurts and their joys.

And, by the way, it doesn't matter if it's an SEC recruitment or the most non-competitive recruitment in the US (or Canada!), when your child hurts...your child hurts.

ETA: I realize the other poster didn't say her daughter was responding in the way I indicated above. I was referring more generally to when a daughter struggles with recruitment and how a mom might react.

[dukemama]

I understand that moms of PNMs feel badly for their daughters who don't get a bid from a sorority; after all, it is a fairly public rejection. However, momto2girls' post -- even if it was typed in the "heat of the moment" -- sounded stage-motherish to me. There is no reason for her to question her daughter's enrollment at Auburn just because she didn't receive a bid. Life does, and will, go on!

I rushed twice in college and was never invited to join a sorority. Certainly both of my parents felt bad for me, but they didn't try to assign blame to the university or the Panhellenic system for what had happened. Looking back now 20+ years, I see that at that time I was not sorority material, plain and simple. The process may not be "fair", but to quote another GCer, it is what it is.

FWIW, I know plenty of wonderful girls who were successful rushing as sophomores and got into the sorority of their choice. Granted I didn't attend an SEC school, but Duke's rush was/is plenty competitive in its own right.

ETA: I won't lie...even after all this time, it still stings a bit when I think about how I was never offered membership into a collegiate sisterhood. But the rejection forced me to come out of my shell in other ways.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by dukemama

I understand that moms of PNMs feel badly for their daughters who don't get a bid from a sorority; after all, it is a fairly public rejection. However, momto2girls' post -- even if it was typed in the "heat of the moment" -- sounded stage-motherish to me. There is no reason for her to question her daughter's enrollment at Auburn just because she didn't receive a bid. Life does, and will, go on!

THANK YOU. I think everyone understands that PNM Mamas can get a little emotional when their daughters have difficult recruitments and I don't think anyone is saying that we should attack them for being upset and sad, and even angry at the system.

momto2 let her disappointment manifest into what sounded like anger and disappointment towards her daughter.

I hope everyone can understand the distinction I'm trying to make here.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by oldrusheenowmom

QUOTED from Auburnmom's FIRST post: I know that there are several GCer’s with friends/relatives rushing at Auburn this fall, so I figured if we all worked together, we could give you all enough details to keep you interested and tide you over until you get a real rush story (or at a minimal we can chat amongst ourselves while we wait for our daughter’s/relatives results)!

Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing- I believe she said "work together." I kind of think she was asking for others to join in and chat while WE wait for OUR (plural pronouns, I believe) results-- So I guess personally, I don't believe anyone could be guilty for changing the thread- I enjoyed learning about flowers, while Sweet Tea was in recruitment, and I wasn't offended, and I am guessing the op wasn't offended either.

You honestly don't see a difference between a digression about what flowers will grow in the South and a complete critique of how groups at Auburn choose their members in the middle of the story of a girl who is having a great rush? The problem is not the additional stories as much as the content of the additional stories.

And I want to emphasize that I'm not trying to find anyone guilty; I just want us to do a better job in the future if we can. I happen to believe that if you are going to contradict the main story, you should go ahead and start your own thread. Why would that be bad? let the happy people tell their happy stories and let the critiques take place in a different thread.

[1908Revelations]

Starting new threads does not cost us a penny.

[SECMom]

I like the idea of starting a thread for mamas in pain.....unless you have a child who has been hurt like this you cannot imagine how it feels. A place to find support, especially from those who have "been there" would, IMO, be a good thing.

It would also be helpful to hear from girls who had survived this particular ordeal. We all know that life goes on, but in that particular moment you might not be so sure......

[navane]

I think that parents sometimes overmagnify their childrens' "problems". I personally deal with lots and lots of college students and their parents everyday. I recently had a parent call in worried that her son's first semester schedule was *too easy* and wanted to know if "people" (Who? Employers? Grad schools?) would look down on him later for not picking a more challenging first semester as a freshman.

In my experiences, the student may be worried or upset; but, the parent often *adds to it*. Sometimes the student isn't bothered at all; but some parents can turn a survivable situation into an international incident.

I was a little concerned about the one mom's statements that maybe her daughter selected the wrong school based on the recruitment results. Wow. I understand being upset for your child; but wow. A university is for an education. The co-curricular activities are great; but, pick a university where you will be in a solid program for your major.

I was also intrigued by her comments regarding being in a sorority so that she can get priority housing next year. To me, that seems like a poor reason to join. If the daughter was saying things like that to the women in the sororities, then that may have something to do with her being cut.

For those of you with kids, I've been reading your reasonings and I can only try to understand. Perhaps when I'm a parent, I will understand better. However, as someone who deals with parents of college students, you all don't realize how awkward you sound sometimes.

[oldrusheenowmom]

Sorry to disagree (not with Navane), I guess I see talking about Auburn recruitment as part of what Auburnmom asked for in her initial post- I didn't see anything wrong with flowers either- added some interest to the waiting (just like auburnmom suggested in her post too)- I think a gentle, "I disagree with your comments about Auburn recruitment and let's move the discussion, so those still involved in recruitment will continue to post here" would be appropriate-- I'm just saying that the initial post invited several stories- maybe the link should have immediately changed to "kate's recruitment story only."

[1908Revelations]

Originally Posted by oldrusheenowmom

maybe the link should have immediately changed to "kate's recruitment story only."

The OP can not change the name of the thread, maybe a mod or super mod. But I do see what you are saying.

[FloridaTish]

OTW...Thank you for your support on my comment on the Auburn thread! I am a mom myself and although I have 14 more years to go before my daughter goes through recruitment, there is NO WAY I could ever make comments like she did if my daughter was not successful during rush. I agree with everything 1908 & AChiOSnap has said as well...

I'm not sorry that I said it and I can't help it if I thought it came across as really bitchy to say something like that to your daughter who just had a major disappointment (?)...Not to mention her mom wanting her to join so she could get priority housing?

Anyway, OTW...you are my Hawaiian Hero!

-Tish

[UGAalum94]

And we also have no indication from the OP that she wanted it to only be Kate's story. I don't even know that it bugged her. But it just seems like we could do better in the future, generally.

Highjacks unrelated to the thread while we wait, for me a yes. Who doesn't love a good what-does-the-Greenbook-say discussion?

Addition stories thrown in to complement the main story, for me, a yes. Who doesn't love to share the happiness or support?

Stories and highjacks that undercut the OPs experience, for me, start a new thread. Don't make a happy thread into your support group, don't make a support thread into how it all worked out for your niece.

Similarly, don't wear your wedding dress to a funeral or talk all about your ex-husband at a bridal shower.

[oldrusheenowmom]

yes- the point I was trying to make is that we don't know as the title was vague. Also, when one of the mom's added her daughter, it wasn't sad at the time (wasn't as positive as Kate's) but she hadn't been released yet--- this has been an interesting thread- and I do believe moms need a place to vent when things aren't going right, just like pnms need a place to ask questions before recruitment, and parents/sisters/friends need a place to share-- I just think we can all be a little more empathetic when we post our disagreements-- (side bar: unfortunately, the weather has just turned sunny 6:00 skies to stormy 9:00-like skies, and I won't be able to see the rest until later)--