Raining on someone's recruitment parade

[Army Wife'79]

I worked at a zoo for 5 years after college and I could tell you about getting between a Mama and her Cubs. Don't mess with the babies. It's reasonable for a Mother to feel pain when her child has a bad experience.
Sorry about adding to the hijack. I truly thought it was "open mike night" on that thread.

[oldrusheenowmom]

QUOTED from Auburnmom's FIRST post: I know that there are several GCer’s with friends/relatives rushing at Auburn this fall, so I figured if we all worked together, we could give you all enough details to keep you interested and tide you over until you get a real rush story (or at a minimal we can chat amongst ourselves while we wait for our daughter’s/relatives results)!

Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing- I believe she said "work together." I kind of think she was asking for others to join in and chat while WE wait for OUR (plural pronouns, I believe) results-- So I guess personally, I don't believe anyone could be guilty for changing the thread- I enjoyed learning about flowers, while Sweet Tea was in recruitment, and I wasn't offended, and I am guessing the op wasn't offended either.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by Jobellesis

Carnation says I should put my post back, so here's what I think. It hurts a lot more for your child to be hurt than it does if you are hurt yourself. If my daughter's recruitment had been disappointing for her, I would have been extremely negative and bitter. Her rush turned out great, (She's also a Chi O), but I remember being upset because she couldn't understand why she was released from a couple of chapters after the third round. I can entirely see why momto2 is so unhappy and confused. If my child was crying and feeling bad about herself, you'd better believe I'd be upset and mad. I'd also think all those girls were all nuts if they didn't want my beautiful, smart daughter in their chapter. Until you've had a daughter go through, you can only imagine how you would feel if your daughter was rejected, especially when you know that she is just as terrific as many of the girls who received bids.

Jobellesis, I respect your points and I'm in complete greement with most of them.

I think the reason I jumped in the fray in the other thread (and I would highly resent ANYONE characterizing my response to momof2 as an attack -- I felt I worded my response as politely as possible) is that I felt she was telling us that she was blaming her daughter.. or at the very least, putting undue pressure on her daughter who just was released from one of the most competitive and stressful recruitments in the country.

I very much understand and respect what Carnation is saying -- that none of us who haven't had daughters go through recruitment can really understand what it's like to be a mom in that position. That said, I know what it's like to be a PNM and I can't tell you how heartbroken I'd be if my mom called me up after I was dropped from all groups on my campus and asked me if I "really tried hard enough" and if I "took this seriously" and questioned whether or not I belonged at my own college!

At the end of the day, no matter HOW heartbreaking a recruitment is for a PNM's mom, it is the PNM that faces the rejection. If a PNM wants to tell her mom that's she's going to be alright and that it's "not a big deal" that she was cut, there could be myriad reasons for why she says that. Maybe it really isn't a big deal to her. Maybe she's humiliated and doesn't want her mom to worry. Maybe she's crushed but trying to put the whole thing in perspective. I feel horribly for the moms on this board whose daughters have difficult recruitments, but I really can't excuse a heartbroken mom if she says hurtful things about her daughter -- even under the cloak of internet anonymity and message board venting.

[anygreekmom]

Originally Posted by Jobellesis

Carnation says I should put my post back, so here's what I think. It hurts a lot more for your child to be hurt than it does if you are hurt yourself. If my daughter's recruitment had been disappointing for her, I would have been extremely negative and bitter. Her rush turned out great, (She's also a Chi O), but I remember being upset because she couldn't understand why she was released from a couple of chapters after the third round. I can entirely see why momto2 is so unhappy and confused. If my child was crying and feeling bad about herself, you'd better believe I'd be upset and mad. I'd also think all those girls were all nuts if they didn't want my beautiful, smart daughter in their chapter. Until you've had a daughter go through, you can only imagine how you would feel if your daughter was rejected, especially when you know that she is just as terrific as many of the girls who received bids.

Amen! When your daughter calls you and is crying and asking you "what's wrong with me?", well...your heart breaks - into a million pieces. And maybe you don't have the most emotional response and you vent on a public forum out of sheer frustration and inability to fix your daughter's hurt. Should we fix it? Probably not - it's one of life's tough lessons and we all know that it will be okay in the long run. But this is not a rational situation...this is an emotional situation. And nothing tugs at a mother's heart more than our children - both their hurts and their joys.

And, by the way, it doesn't matter if it's an SEC recruitment or the most non-competitive recruitment in the US (or Canada!), when your child hurts...your child hurts.

ETA: I realize the other poster didn't say her daughter was responding in the way I indicated above. I was referring more generally to when a daughter struggles with recruitment and how a mom might react.

[dukemama]

I understand that moms of PNMs feel badly for their daughters who don't get a bid from a sorority; after all, it is a fairly public rejection. However, momto2girls' post -- even if it was typed in the "heat of the moment" -- sounded stage-motherish to me. There is no reason for her to question her daughter's enrollment at Auburn just because she didn't receive a bid. Life does, and will, go on!

I rushed twice in college and was never invited to join a sorority. Certainly both of my parents felt bad for me, but they didn't try to assign blame to the university or the Panhellenic system for what had happened. Looking back now 20+ years, I see that at that time I was not sorority material, plain and simple. The process may not be "fair", but to quote another GCer, it is what it is.

FWIW, I know plenty of wonderful girls who were successful rushing as sophomores and got into the sorority of their choice. Granted I didn't attend an SEC school, but Duke's rush was/is plenty competitive in its own right.

ETA: I won't lie...even after all this time, it still stings a bit when I think about how I was never offered membership into a collegiate sisterhood. But the rejection forced me to come out of my shell in other ways.

[AChiOhSnap]

Originally Posted by dukemama

I understand that moms of PNMs feel badly for their daughters who don't get a bid from a sorority; after all, it is a fairly public rejection. However, momto2girls' post -- even if it was typed in the "heat of the moment" -- sounded stage-motherish to me. There is no reason for her to question her daughter's enrollment at Auburn just because she didn't receive a bid. Life does, and will, go on!

THANK YOU. I think everyone understands that PNM Mamas can get a little emotional when their daughters have difficult recruitments and I don't think anyone is saying that we should attack them for being upset and sad, and even angry at the system.

momto2 let her disappointment manifest into what sounded like anger and disappointment towards her daughter.

I hope everyone can understand the distinction I'm trying to make here.