THE "bottom" sorority

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

I was amazed and thankful to everyone who took the time to write a response. There is some good advice in the posts.
I would like to clarify a few things. My daughter does go to a SEC school, and her pledge class has well over 100 girls. If you haven't already figured out which school this is, you may private message me if really interested in knowing.
My daughter is not one of those cheerleader/homecoming queen/4.0 student who has had everything she ever wanted. She was not even in the "popular clique" in high school, although she did have a great circle of friends. Like thousands of other girls across the country, she is beautiful, intelligent, and has won several athletic/scholastic awards. She actually had a higher g.p.a. than every other single girl going through recruitment from her high school. All of the others from her high school (about a dozen) got their first or second choice sorority-all chapters with former high school classmates; so something just doesn't feel right to me. She was definitely more than acquaintances with them, but not best friends. Regardless, she has moved on. She is the first person in my extended family to join a Greek organization, and before this summer, I did not even know the name of more than two sororities. Her dad and I do not care what letters she wears, we just want her to be happy.
The chapter does not have a house, but I feel certain that it will within the next five

Originally Posted by Sunny3

years or so. I am not aware of any plans to begin construction, nor do I know if a suitable piece of property has even been found yet. Many of the actives live in a Greek "living center" on campus. Members of the new fraternities also reside there. There is no large, central area to have gatherings, though, and the pledges do not even have access to the building as it is locked at all times. Of course, the girls do go out in small groups. They eat dinner together/go to movies/play miniature golf etc. etc. They really need a place to spend unstructured time together, however-a place to hang out in pajamas and watch Netflix/bake cookies together/stay up all night talking etc. In addition, on this campus, not having a house truly does negatively impact recruitment.
I don't think I was very clear in my first post. I suppose what I would really like advice on is how to get my daughter to believe in herself again. Before recruitment, she

Originally Posted by Sunny3

was an independent, self-confident young lady. In the span of a mere six days though, she became an emotional wreck. I do not care how many times they are told not to take it personally, being cut IS personal. In fact, it is probably one of THE most personal things ever. These girls are away from home, isolated during the day, and then told that ABC does not want you. That is enough to cause even the most confident person to question themselves. The university does a very poor job of preparing the PMN's also. They are led to believe that they actually get to choose which sorority they want, and many are shocked at the first round of cuts. On bid day, my daughter kept asking me what was wrong with her. She had become convinced that she had some major personality flaw because every sorority but one did not want her. Of course, she also started feeling inferior to the girls in the "top" sororities especially. The sad thing is, it seems like to me many of the girls join a "top" house, regardless of whether they are a good fit or not, for precisely that reason. They enjoy feeling better than everybody else. It took 18 years for my daughter to develop into the lovely young woman she is today, but only one week to break her down. We just want her to get a good education, find a good set of friends, and be happy. First, however, we have got to make her see that she is still the same wonderful young woman she was before she went through recruitment.

QFP so that I can respond when I get back from swimming.

[DubaiSis]

Sunny3, if you would read through the years of posts on this site, you will see these same complaints over and over again. Not that it helps, but it was worse before RFM and guaranteed placement for girls who complete the process and maximize their options. Back then, girls could have stellar rushes, preference at their 2 or 3 favorite houses and on bid day have zippo. There's only 1 school left that still does it that way. And we're not going there right now!

But I'd also like to caution you against thinking the sorority is the house. For those of us who went to schools with the big beautiful structures it is really hard to imagine sorority life without the all-nighters in the tv room or early morning panic in the basement before rush parties start. But there are plenty of sorority women out there who have absolutely as good experiences, although different, from schools that don't have sorority housing. Besides, with the size of the chapters versus the size of the houses, a large percentage of the chapter doesn't live in anyway, won't ever live in. A pledge class of 100 (times approximately 3 is a good gauge of chapter size) and a house that will hold 75 or so means your daughter isn't experiencing all that much different than she would have anyway.

As a member of a new chapter, your daughter's experience WILL be different from the girls who are in the 100 year old chapter. But she also gets to put her mark on a chapter in a way that "old row" kind of member never could. There is no "but we've always done it this way" in her chapter. And that can be more difficult, but also a lot more freeing.

[Sunny3]

Yes, I just skimmed this website; and it's true- "....there's nothing new under
the sun."' Sorry I wasted everyone's time.

[irishpipes]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

Yes, I just skimmed this website; and it's true- "....there's nothing new under
the sun."' Sorry I wasted everyone's time.

You haven't wasted anyone's time. You didn't come on here whining that your daughter is God's perfect snowflake who deserved better than she got. You sound realistic, albeit disappointed, and you made some valid observations about her situation. It is difficult for large chapters to bond without a house. Your daughter seems to be adjusting well under the circumstances and is deciding to give this chapter a go, which is great for her, and the chapter. Hopefully she'll stick with it and over time she will get the benefits of life-long Greek membership.

[FSUZeta]

If we felt you were wasting our time, we would not have responded to your posts. You have 4 pages of responses. We care.

[FSUZeta]

That being said, we can't change things. Most of us have been around long enough to know that your daughter will be alright. It is surprising when things don't work out as we envisioned. But while it does not define us, it can make us stronger. Unfortunately this is not the last "curve" that will be pitched to your daughter. After graduation she might apply for her dream job and not get it.It doesn't mean she was not qualified nor does it mean that the person who interviewed her did not like her (if she was even lucky enough to even get an interview-it is brutal in the job market these days)-just that they took a chance on someone else.

I think this thread might help you feel a little better about your daughter's situation:

http://www.greekchat.com/gcforums/sh...d.php?t=121412

[AZTheta]

Sunny3,

This may sound harsh, but I need to say it. Let her figure this out on her own. You can't do it all for her. What comes across to me is that you, as her mom, are taking this very hard. And I understand that, because that's a huge part of being a parent. I saw a quote once: "When you have a child, part of your heart goes walking around outside your body for the rest of your life" and I believe that is true.

HOWEVER, this is her life. Not yours. And recruitment didn't go the way that you or she thought it would; but she received a bid, and she's going to have a lifetime of membership, if she so chooses. Comparing your daughter to others who received bids from "more desirable" chapters (I'm steeling myself to even type those words) is counter-productive. In this situation, things played out differently than you or she thought they would, and it's over. To me, there is a happy ending - she got a bid!

I've observed that for some unknown reason(s), this current generation of parents/children has a very difficult time with rejection. Maybe it's that "everyone gets a trophy" mentality? I don't know. If she is, in fact, as strong as you described, this is a bump in the road. It is tuition in the school of life. I've written about this in other threads; early disappointments and rejections are far preferable to those that occur for the first time at age 18 when there is no immediate support system in place. And, defining oneself by greek letters or the opinions of others is a sure fire recipe for heartbreak. A very wise 23 year old that I have advised says "well, if I didn't get ("fill in the blank") it means there's something else coming along" and she's right. She's had some huge disappointments, but there has always, always been something else that was different, and usually better, than the thing that was disappointing to her at the time.

That said, I am willing to bet that your daughter is going to have a great college experience. Know that three months from now (or even sooner) things are going to look completely different. Please stick around, and let us know how she's doing, and how you're doing as well.

[rockwallgreek]

Yes, you were disappointed, so was your daughter, but the story gets A LOT better! I pledged (it was 1974) the bottom sorority at my school. Basically, I was from California and knew nothing!!! My chapter actually closed 3 years later. Fast forward a few years and I was a young mom of 4 girls, but working for my fraternity as a New Chapter Development Specialist. Kept doing that. Fast forward a few more years... My four daughters all became my sisters in a very strong chapter! Now, I'm a Province Director. My point is, my collegiate experience was not the best. My alumnae experience, remember this is a lifetime commitment, has been and is the best. Sometimes things are like that.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

We just want her to get a good education, find a good set of friends, and be happy. First, however, we have got to make her see that she is still the same wonderful young woman she was before she went through recruitment.

Sure! Just remember that education comes in a variety of forms. Dealing with disappointment and disillusionment is hard, but everyone has to do it. Usually more than once. Learning to deal with that, and learning that sometimes it's for the best—that what seemed important isn't that important after all, and that what may have seemed like a "bottom" choice was actually the best fit because you chose and worked to make it the right fit—seems like a pretty valuable lesson, even if it happens outside the classroom.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Sure! Just remember that education comes in a variety of forms. Dealing with disappointment and disillusionment is hard, but everyone has to do it. Usually more than once. Learning to deal with that, and learning that sometimes it's for the best—that what seemed important isn't that important after all, and that what may have seemed like a "bottom" choice was actually the best fit because you chose and worked to make it the right fit—seems like a pretty valuable lesson, even if it happens outside the classroom.

This!

[ElvisLover]

Sunny3, I'm so sorry you and your daughter have had to go through this experience. Over the years, I've known of a few chapters that didn't start out with sorority houses, but made an effort to get together outside of classes, as mentioned above. Maybe your daughter could ask some of the girls in her pledge class to whom she's drawn out for pizza or coffee, etc. You'd be surprised after all the dust settles, about 6-8 weeks after recruitment is over, how many new friends she'll make within her group, if she's willing to give it a chance. Good luck, and please do return and let us know how you both are doing.

[PinkSkyAtNight]

I’m sorry that your daughter is feeling disappointed and perhaps rejected. However, the chapter is probably still getting their feet under them and is getting the hang of recruitment. One awkward girl in recruitment shouldn’t break your daughter’s experience – please don’t let it! I remember being rushed by an awkward girl, and when I was a sophomore, I pulled the recruitment chair aside and relayed the experience and discussed how this particular person needed coaching, or just needed a different role altogether. The recruitment chair listened to me, and I was thankful I didn’t quit because of one girl who couldn’t carry a conversation.

There was a chapter on my campus (not-SEC, but still 200+ women) that went from having a reputation as being kind of awkward. In a matter of about five years, they really changed. You could see it was slow, gradual changes from the clothes they wore during recruitment, how they presented themselves with hair and makeup, and also the type of women they started seeking out – outgoing people who were committed to being part of greek events (Derby Days, Anchor Splash, etc..). A core group of women stopped being upset that they were in the “bottom” sorority, and instead just proudly wore their letters and always made sure they put their best face forward when they were on campus. The transformation was honestly amazing. They also revamped their social media, and it was professional and put forward the type of women they wanted to attract. Not to be harsh, but it was clear that they made a point of not showcasing the members who were slovenly with their appearance…. Their website talked about individual involvement on campus, and talked about the campus leaders in their chapter.

If your daughter thinks that there are areas for opportunity, I would encourage her to talk with like-minded women in her pledge class, and as a small group approach the executive officers and talk about what they like about their chapter (as an opener), but then talk about where they see opportunities for improvement. In all likelihood, there will be someone among the chapter leadership who agrees, and they will be relieved that others are committed to improvement too.

If there is no talk of a house being built within the next two years, I would highly encourage you as a mother to join any parents club and get a friendly discussion going about tangible plans for a house being built. I agree that no house is an obstacle, but perhaps there are plans, the organization just needs to start talking about them so people don't get discouraged.

[ASUADPi]

Originally Posted by AZTheta

Sunny3,

This may sound harsh, but I need to say it. Let her figure this out on her own. You can't do it all for her. What comes across to me is that you, as her mom, are taking this very hard. And I understand that, because that's a huge part of being a parent. I saw a quote once: "When you have a child, part of your heart goes walking around outside your body for the rest of your life" and I believe that is true.

HOWEVER, this is her life. Not yours. And recruitment didn't go the way that you or she thought it would; but she received a bid, and she's going to have a lifetime of membership, if she so chooses. Comparing your daughter to others who received bids from "more desirable" chapters (I'm steeling myself to even type those words) is counter-productive. In this situation, things played out differently than you or she thought they would, and it's over. To me, there is a happy ending - she got a bid!

I've observed that for some unknown reason(s), this current generation of parents/children has a very difficult time with rejection. Maybe it's that "everyone gets a trophy" mentality? I don't know. If she is, in fact, as strong as you described, this is a bump in the road. It is tuition in the school of life. I've written about this in other threads; early disappointments and rejections are far preferable to those that occur for the first time at age 18 when there is no immediate support system in place. And, defining oneself by greek letters or the opinions of others is a sure fire recipe for heartbreak. A very wise 23 year old that I have advised says "well, if I didn't get ("fill in the blank") it means there's something else coming along" and she's right. She's had some huge disappointments, but there has always, always been something else that was different, and usually better, than the thing that was disappointing to her at the time.

That said, I am willing to bet that your daughter is going to have a great college experience. Know that three months from now (or even sooner) things are going to look completely different. Please stick around, and let us know how she's doing, and how you're doing as well.

I want a "like" button for this, but alas the most I can do is quote

[thecon]

I hope she did stay on! On my campus, the Chapter that I'm in is considered one of the bottom houses. I joined as an upperclassman with no recs, and didn't really know anything about rankings until after I'd accepted a bid. HOWEVER, we've been rocking it at recruitment for last year, and COB. We've started getting members who really want to be there, and people have started to notice. My pledge class is small (came in during informal COB) but we're all super dedicated and try to set an example for the pledge classes below us.

All of that aside, I've had an amazing experience so far. I've made so many good friends, my pledge class is super tight-- we've participated and done well in Derby Days and other big philanthropy events that we hadn't participated in for YEARS. People are wearing our letters out around on campus again... It's been great to see.

Getting one or two good pledge classes that really want to be there and are excited about it can breathe life into a struggling chapter. I couldn't imagine myself anywhere else. I love my sisters and I would encourage everyone who might have gotten a bid at a chapter that they consider "low tier" or whatever, to put ego aside for a second and give those girls a chance.