THE "bottom" sorority

[Sunny3]

was an independent, self-confident young lady. In the span of a mere six days though, she became an emotional wreck. I do not care how many times they are told not to take it personally, being cut IS personal. In fact, it is probably one of THE most personal things ever. These girls are away from home, isolated during the day, and then told that ABC does not want you. That is enough to cause even the most confident person to question themselves. The university does a very poor job of preparing the PMN's also. They are led to believe that they actually get to choose which sorority they want, and many are shocked at the first round of cuts. On bid day, my daughter kept asking me what was wrong with her. She had become convinced that she had some major personality flaw because every sorority but one did not want her. Of course, she also started feeling inferior to the girls in the "top" sororities especially. The sad thing is, it seems like to me many of the girls join a "top" house, regardless of whether they are a good fit or not, for precisely that reason. They enjoy feeling better than everybody else. It took 18 years for my daughter to develop into the lovely young woman she is today, but only one week to break her down. We just want her to get a good education, find a good set of friends, and be happy. First, however, we have got to make her see that she is still the same wonderful young woman she was before she went through recruitment.

[FSUZeta]

Sunny,

It is not just about GPA. It is not just about HS activities, appearance, leadership, clothes, personality, reputation,etc. It is about the whole PNM and what the sorority is looking for and needs. It is about the impression the PNM makes on her rush hostess. It is about recs. It is about connections, prior acquaintances and friendships. It is about a lot of unfathomable things.

Your daughter will recover. Like other disappointments or "didn't go according to plans" events, there is really no way to prepare in advance for those bumps in the road. But you raised her right! She accepted her bid and is going about the business of making friends in her chapter.

What was it Eleanor Roosevelt said? "People can only make you feel bad about yourself if you let them", or something to that affect. It really is true and it sounds like your daughter is well on her way to getting to that place where she is enjoying herself and soon won't give a fig what others think. Soon you and she will both be feeling that her glass is half full, not half empty. It is true that things did not work out as you and she had thought, BUT, she had a sorority that wanted her in their sisterhood. They didn't have to offer her a bid, but they saw in her a girl who they felt was worthy of their friendship, loyalty, and love. That bid is a gift that I think she is starting to value, and I hope you will be able to soon too.

[AZTheta]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

I was amazed and thankful to everyone who took the time to write a response. There is some good advice in the posts.
I would like to clarify a few things. My daughter does go to a SEC school, and her pledge class has well over 100 girls. If you haven't already figured out which school this is, you may private message me if really interested in knowing.
My daughter is not one of those cheerleader/homecoming queen/4.0 student who has had everything she ever wanted. She was not even in the "popular clique" in high school, although she did have a great circle of friends. Like thousands of other girls across the country, she is beautiful, intelligent, and has won several athletic/scholastic awards. She actually had a higher g.p.a. than every other single girl going through recruitment from her high school. All of the others from her high school (about a dozen) got their first or second choice sorority-all chapters with former high school classmates; so something just doesn't feel right to me. She was definitely more than acquaintances with them, but not best friends. Regardless, she has moved on. She is the first person in my extended family to join a Greek organization, and before this summer, I did not even know the name of more than two sororities. Her dad and I do not care what letters she wears, we just want her to be happy.
The chapter does not have a house, but I feel certain that it will within the next five

Originally Posted by Sunny3

years or so. I am not aware of any plans to begin construction, nor do I know if a suitable piece of property has even been found yet. Many of the actives live in a Greek "living center" on campus. Members of the new fraternities also reside there. There is no large, central area to have gatherings, though, and the pledges do not even have access to the building as it is locked at all times. Of course, the girls do go out in small groups. They eat dinner together/go to movies/play miniature golf etc. etc. They really need a place to spend unstructured time together, however-a place to hang out in pajamas and watch Netflix/bake cookies together/stay up all night talking etc. In addition, on this campus, not having a house truly does negatively impact recruitment.
I don't think I was very clear in my first post. I suppose what I would really like advice on is how to get my daughter to believe in herself again. Before recruitment, she

Originally Posted by Sunny3

was an independent, self-confident young lady. In the span of a mere six days though, she became an emotional wreck. I do not care how many times they are told not to take it personally, being cut IS personal. In fact, it is probably one of THE most personal things ever. These girls are away from home, isolated during the day, and then told that ABC does not want you. That is enough to cause even the most confident person to question themselves. The university does a very poor job of preparing the PMN's also. They are led to believe that they actually get to choose which sorority they want, and many are shocked at the first round of cuts. On bid day, my daughter kept asking me what was wrong with her. She had become convinced that she had some major personality flaw because every sorority but one did not want her. Of course, she also started feeling inferior to the girls in the "top" sororities especially. The sad thing is, it seems like to me many of the girls join a "top" house, regardless of whether they are a good fit or not, for precisely that reason. They enjoy feeling better than everybody else. It took 18 years for my daughter to develop into the lovely young woman she is today, but only one week to break her down. We just want her to get a good education, find a good set of friends, and be happy. First, however, we have got to make her see that she is still the same wonderful young woman she was before she went through recruitment.

QFP so that I can respond when I get back from swimming.

[PinkSkyAtNight]

I’m sorry that your daughter is feeling disappointed and perhaps rejected. However, the chapter is probably still getting their feet under them and is getting the hang of recruitment. One awkward girl in recruitment shouldn’t break your daughter’s experience – please don’t let it! I remember being rushed by an awkward girl, and when I was a sophomore, I pulled the recruitment chair aside and relayed the experience and discussed how this particular person needed coaching, or just needed a different role altogether. The recruitment chair listened to me, and I was thankful I didn’t quit because of one girl who couldn’t carry a conversation.

There was a chapter on my campus (not-SEC, but still 200+ women) that went from having a reputation as being kind of awkward. In a matter of about five years, they really changed. You could see it was slow, gradual changes from the clothes they wore during recruitment, how they presented themselves with hair and makeup, and also the type of women they started seeking out – outgoing people who were committed to being part of greek events (Derby Days, Anchor Splash, etc..). A core group of women stopped being upset that they were in the “bottom” sorority, and instead just proudly wore their letters and always made sure they put their best face forward when they were on campus. The transformation was honestly amazing. They also revamped their social media, and it was professional and put forward the type of women they wanted to attract. Not to be harsh, but it was clear that they made a point of not showcasing the members who were slovenly with their appearance…. Their website talked about individual involvement on campus, and talked about the campus leaders in their chapter.

If your daughter thinks that there are areas for opportunity, I would encourage her to talk with like-minded women in her pledge class, and as a small group approach the executive officers and talk about what they like about their chapter (as an opener), but then talk about where they see opportunities for improvement. In all likelihood, there will be someone among the chapter leadership who agrees, and they will be relieved that others are committed to improvement too.

If there is no talk of a house being built within the next two years, I would highly encourage you as a mother to join any parents club and get a friendly discussion going about tangible plans for a house being built. I agree that no house is an obstacle, but perhaps there are plans, the organization just needs to start talking about them so people don't get discouraged.

[MysticCat]

Originally Posted by Sunny3

We just want her to get a good education, find a good set of friends, and be happy. First, however, we have got to make her see that she is still the same wonderful young woman she was before she went through recruitment.

Sure! Just remember that education comes in a variety of forms. Dealing with disappointment and disillusionment is hard, but everyone has to do it. Usually more than once. Learning to deal with that, and learning that sometimes it's for the best—that what seemed important isn't that important after all, and that what may have seemed like a "bottom" choice was actually the best fit because you chose and worked to make it the right fit—seems like a pretty valuable lesson, even if it happens outside the classroom.

[AOII Angel]

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Sure! Just remember that education comes in a variety of forms. Dealing with disappointment and disillusionment is hard, but everyone has to do it. Usually more than once. Learning to deal with that, and learning that sometimes it's for the best—that what seemed important isn't that important after all, and that what may have seemed like a "bottom" choice was actually the best fit because you chose and worked to make it the right fit—seems like a pretty valuable lesson, even if it happens outside the classroom.

This!