My Boyfriend's Fraternity Hates My Sorority

Jp685 · #1 03-14-2014, 03:41 PM

And I don't know how to fix it. Apparently his brothers don't have a problem with me, but as a whole the fraternity will not mix or do anything with my sorority. They hate my sorority because 2 years ago we had less than amazing sisters that I was not around for and apparently the now alumnae left a bad impression on them. So we haven't done anything with my boyfriend's fraternity for over a year and it sucks. I love my boyfriend and it hurts when their fraternity chooses another sorority to do events with, when they do stuff with the same sororities all the time but never us.

I'm allowed to bring some of my sisters to their house parties and they don't care, but the brothers won't go out of their way to invite my sisters to their parties. And other than house parties we don't do anything together. I'm just wondering how our sorority can show them that we are a completely different chapter with a bunch of cool girls they haven't even gotten the chance to meet yet. If we ask to do a social, the answer will be no. I just don't know what I can do. I mean it seems stupid they hate us over how a couple of our sisters acted years ago. I wasn't even there for it and more than half of their chapter wasn't there for it either. So I don't understand why they still don't want to mix with us.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

DeltaBetaBaby · #2 03-14-2014, 03:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jp685

And I don't know how to fix it. Apparently his brothers don't have a problem with me, but as a whole the fraternity will not mix or do anything with my sorority. They hate my sorority because 2 years ago we had less than amazing sisters that I was not around for and apparently the now alumnae left a bad impression on them. So we haven't done anything with my boyfriend's fraternity for over a year and it sucks. I love my boyfriend and it hurts when their fraternity chooses another sorority to do events with, when they do stuff with the same sororities all the time but never us.

I'm allowed to bring some of my sisters to their house parties and they don't care, but the brothers won't go out of their way to invite my sisters to their parties. And other than house parties we don't do anything together. I'm just wondering how our sorority can show them that we are a completely different chapter with a bunch of cool girls they haven't even gotten the chance to meet yet. If we ask to do a social, the answer will be no. I just don't know what I can do. I mean it seems stupid they hate us over how a couple of our sisters acted years ago. I wasn't even there for it and more than half of their chapter wasn't there for it either. So I don't understand why they still don't want to mix with us.

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

First off, you should stop bashing your alumnae in public.

Second of all, what caused the bad impression? Are we talking, like, the fraternity planned a cool mixer and your sorority barely showed up? Or are we talking, like, the guys didn't think your sorority was hot enough? Because the two problems are distinctly different.

Jp685 · #3 03-14-2014, 04:36 PM

I don't know....actually I do but you told me not to bash them so now I can't say.

DubaiSis · #4 03-14-2014, 05:54 PM

I can tell you a bad situation can last for YEARS. My chapter wouldn't mix with a fraternity because of how appalling we were treated something like 6 or 8 years earlier than I was a member. But what they had done was really terrible, like lose their charter bad, but I'm sure my chapter didn't raise that kind of a fuss.

I would just let it go and enjoy the other mixers you attend.

For future reference, you could have shared your story without saying your alumnae were a bunch of uggs and you offloaded them for prettier girls. If that's not what you meant, that's how it was interpreted. If you clean up your original post you MIGHT get DeltaBetaBaby to update or delete the qfp. And then you might be able to get more helpful feedback.

Jp685 · #5 03-14-2014, 05:58 PM

Thanks.

That's not what I meant at all. This happened a while ago the girls that acted poorly in front of the brothers have since graduated. I didn't even know any of the sisters that did the things; I just heard about it.

33girl · #6 03-14-2014, 07:43 PM

This kind of thing can take years to fix, like DS said. Baby steps. Just keep going to their parties with your sisters and keep anything you say about ANY Greek organization positive. If they have a philanthropy, be sure to support it.

Honestly, the fact that he's still dating you is a huge positive in itself. I've heard of bans from both fraternities and sororities on dating members of this or that group that is in their doghouse.

AXiDTrish · #7 03-14-2014, 09:31 PM

I don't really think you bashed your alumnae unless I missed something somewhere. If they are truly the cause of the bad blood, then it is what it is and you have to start somewhere to improve relations. It can be done, but as the others said it will take time.

Have you considered having a joint social? If you have a good relationship with a sorority that has good relationship with them, then add a another fraternity. You can also ask them to do a philanthropy with you and split the profit 50/50. Perhaps raising money for their phil is a weakness, your chapter can be their strength. You just better make sure your chapter SHOWS UP!

Be slow, strategic, and deliberate. It will work after a while.

AXOmom · #8 03-14-2014, 11:15 PM

My daughter was in a similar situation. It wasn't that extreme - nobody hated each other, but due to a minor incident at a party, there were some older girls in her sorority who did not hold an overall favorable impression of her boyfriend's fraternity (they liked him, but they thought he was an outlier). In addition, both his fraternity and her sorority had other groups they had been hanging out with for a while, and they weren't up for change. It wasn't that they NEVER did anything together, but it was rare.

AXiDTrish's suggestions sound great. Daughter tried some similar things (she was social chair for a year, so she was in a position to do a few things although she didn't push it much), and they were helpful.

If all you are shooting for is an occasional social then those things should indeed work over time, but I hope that is all you are asking of these two groups. If what you really want is for them to become besties, you might be in for a bit of a disappointment.

Daughter was bound and determined that she and she alone was going to make sure that her sorority became the new favorite group for boyfriend's fraternity (and vice-versa). Imagine her shock when both groups felt they had their own friend groups quite well established, thank you very much, and as I said, they weren't terribly interested in changing it all up because she and BF decided to date.

Eventually she accepted this (what choice did she have) and came to realize that while it was nice when they did socialize once in a blue moon, having two separate groups of friends that didn't interact regularly had some serious advantages.

Good luck!

DeltaBetaBaby · #9 03-15-2014, 01:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AXiDTrish

I don't really think you bashed your alumnae unless I missed something somewhere.

Really? You think it's okay to refer to the women in your chapter two years ago as "less than amazing"?

If there was a specific incident they were involved in (e.g. a few women got too drunk at a mixer and barfed everywhere), fine, it is what it is, but that's different from characterizing them as "less than amazing" and "uncool."

MysticCat · #10 03-15-2014, 09:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Really? You think it's okay to refer to the women in your chapter two years ago as "less than amazing"?

I actually laughed at that one. The word "amazing" is becoming so overused it's losing any real meaning. When everyone is amazing, then no one is. I saw "less than amazing" and wanted to say "Oh, so they were normal."

ASUADPi · #11 03-15-2014, 10:03 AM

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I don't understand the big deal. Unless you are on a campus where there are 1-3 sororities and 1-3 fraternities, I'm not sure why you are freaking out over your boyfriends frat not "doing things" with your sorority.

Maybe its because I went to a big Greek campus (where with 12 sororities and like 15 fraternities it was more likely you wouldn't "partner" with a fraternity than you would).

You can't change things that happened before you were a member of the chapter. You also can't change the opinions (very easily) of the more established, older members of your boyfriends fraternity.

If it is such a big deal to you (which you should really be finding out if it is a big deal to the rest of the chapter and not just you), you should follow the advice given and try to plan a mixer. If it's only you who really cares that your boyfriends frat isn't hanging out with y'all, you kind of just need to get over it. If your chapter as a whole doesn't care that his frat wants nothing to do with them...you then just need to let it go.

DeltaBetaBaby · #12 03-15-2014, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MysticCat

I actually laughed at that one. The word "amazing" is becoming so overused it's losing any real meaning. When everyone is amazing, then no one is. I saw "less than amazing" and wanted to say "Oh, so they were normal."

Fair enough. I'm just trying to distinguish between "these women suck" and "these women did a sucky thing once."

Jp685 · #13 03-15-2014, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASUADPi

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I don't understand the big deal. Unless you are on a campus where there are 1-3 sororities and 1-3 fraternities, I'm not sure why you are freaking out over your boyfriends frat not "doing things" with your sorority.

Maybe its because I went to a big Greek campus (where with 12 sororities and like 15 fraternities it was more likely you wouldn't "partner" with a fraternity than you would).

You can't change things that happened before you were a member of the chapter. You also can't change the opinions (very easily) of the more established, older members of your boyfriends fraternity.

If it is such a big deal to you (which you should really be finding out if it is a big deal to the rest of the chapter and not just you), you should follow the advice given and try to plan a mixer. If it's only you who really cares that your boyfriends frat isn't hanging out with y'all, you kind of just need to get over it. If your chapter as a whole doesn't care that his frat wants nothing to do with them...you then just need to let it go.

No you're absolutely right. He told me "my fraternity is moving up in the rankings and socializing with higher tier sororities so we don't need yours". So I guess apart from the drama 2 years ago there's another reason they won't mix with us. It sucks, but I did talk to girls in my chapter and they said not to worry about it and just focus on hanging out with the fraternities that do want to socialize with us. Kind of makes me sad they think they're better than us, but I'm letting it go and focusing on improving relationships with other fraternities.

KDCat · #14 03-15-2014, 11:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ASUADPi

I'm obviously in the minority here, but I don't understand the big deal. Unless you are on a campus where there are 1-3 sororities and 1-3 fraternities, I'm not sure why you are freaking out over your boyfriends frat not "doing things" with your sorority.

Maybe its because I went to a big Greek campus (where with 12 sororities and like 15 fraternities it was more likely you wouldn't "partner" with a fraternity than you would).

You can't change things that happened before you were a member of the chapter. You also can't change the opinions (very easily) of the more established, older members of your boyfriends fraternity.

If it is such a big deal to you (which you should really be finding out if it is a big deal to the rest of the chapter and not just you), you should follow the advice given and try to plan a mixer. If it's only you who really cares that your boyfriends frat isn't hanging out with y'all, you kind of just need to get over it. If your chapter as a whole doesn't care that his frat wants nothing to do with them...you then just need to let it go.

I don't see the big deal, either. His friends don't like your friends. You're not dating his friends. Your friends aren't dating his friends. Eff it. Not your problem.

If they say bad things about your sisters in front of you, look them square in the eye and say "My sisters are amazing. You don't know that though, because you don't hang out with them." and then walk away. This isn't your problem to solve. If the chapter wants to deal with it, great. If they don't, let it go.

Worrying about what his friends think about your friends just screams insecurity.

They're "We're too good because we're climbing the social rankings" screams insecurity even louder. Groups that are that focused on ranking are trying too hard and are never really going to excel as a group. Don't get caught up in their games.

33girl · #15 03-15-2014, 11:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jp685

No you're absolutely right. He told me "my fraternity is moving up in the rankings and socializing with higher tier sororities so we don't need yours.".

I hope he prefaced that with "my brothers said" and added to the end "I'm sorry honey, there's nothing I can do about it." If not, you might want to rethink your relationship.