Going Early Alum... need help.

[33girl]

I know this is a sour grapes-ish answer, but the big-little relationship isn't always the lifechanging awesomeness it's made out to be. I know lots of people who can't stand their bigs/littles. (Your little is also not always younger than you and lots of girls aren't into being "mentored.") Ditto living in. It can be fun, but it can also be stressful. In other words, maybe those things would have been great for you, but there's a chance they could have sucked too. If that makes you feel better.

I advise you to throw yourself wholeheartedly into activities of all sorts at your new school and make lasting friends there. DON'T spend all your time with your boyfriend.

[DubaiSis]

Agree. I think it's pretty over-blown and seems primarily to be a reason to get/give a mountain of gifts. Many GCers will tell you their membership really started to flower once they became alumnae. It's different, no doubt, but it is still valuable and precious.

Best to move on and discover a new level of sisterhood and not worry about what the 18 year olds are doing or what you missed as a 19 year old member.

[Old_Row]

Since you are only 19 I'm not sure how you expect to find an alumna even younger than you are to be a big to and mentor? Especially since you were only an active for a couple of months? That doesn't make sense to me.

Originally Posted by 33girl

I know this is a sour grapes-ish answer, but the big-little relationship isn't always the lifechanging awesomeness it's made out to be. I know lots of people who can't stand their bigs/littles. (Your little is also not always younger than you and lots of girls aren't into being "mentored.") Ditto living in. It can be fun, but it can also be stressful. In other words, maybe those things would have been great for you, but there's a chance they could have sucked too. If that makes you feel better.

I advise you to throw yourself wholeheartedly into activities of all sorts at your new school and make lasting friends there. DON'T spend all your time with your boyfriend.

Haha. Well. I kind of have to spend a lot of time with him, since we live together. But he is a very understanding man and doesn't resent me the time with friends and even encourages it. He's been a huge help through this whole reinstatement process as well.

What you're saying about big/little relationships ARE true. My big (that I ADORE) absolutely hates her big, who also hates both of us (even though I've never met her officially). So I understand how that can be, but I've always wanted to try. Someone above mentioned maybe a sister search, and finding someone like me that transferred or whatnot.

[fascination]

Originally Posted by sarawoof

I am told to rap Super Bass by Nicki Minaj, and don't question it as I am overwhelmed.

I didn't understand why OP would be expected to personally apologize to every chapter on campus until I Googled the lyrics. Vulgar is not a strong enough word, so now I understand why. (Even if you cleaned the lyrics up some, obviously other people knew knew how nasty the regular lyrics are.) Just because "someone" told you to rap this doesn't mean you have to. You could have and should have said no. I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way.

Originally Posted by Old_Row

Since you are only 19 I'm not sure how you expect to find an alumna even younger than you are to be a big to and mentor? Especially since you were only an active for a couple of months? That doesn't make sense to me.

Eventually, I guess. So maybe not this year or next year but the year after that. I can't be the ONLY girl that transfers. You know what I mean? So I'd just adopt someone along the way. And if it didn't happen, then it didn't happen, but I couldn't say that I didn't try.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by sarawoof

Eventually, I guess. So maybe not this year or next year but the year after that. I can't be the ONLY girl that transfers. You know what I mean? So I'd just adopt someone along the way. And if it didn't happen, then it didn't happen, but I couldn't say that I didn't try.

Some orgs also have alums that "adopt" a woman in a colonizing chapter. Again, this isn't something that would happen right now, but if you get involved as an alumna, this may be an opportunity for you down the line.

[Old_Row]

I just don't know how you could be a big with such limited and negative experience. She would already have a big anyway. I don't believe alumna membership is anything like college membership and you are looking for something that doesn't exist.

Originally Posted by Old_Row

I just don't know how you could be a big with such limited and negative experience. She would already have a big anyway. I don't believe alumna membership is anything like college membership and you are looking for something that doesn't exist.

You know, I honestly feel like there are options out there for every situation. I am trying to make the best of mine, and something even like the Pearl program or something would be something that I'm interested in and is a good alternative. No, I will never have a little that I pick, and also picks me from the incoming pledge class, and I won't have "fam nights" and she won't make me a paddle and I won't buy her her first set of letters. I know all of that. I came here looking for alternatives, or something close enough that could be a substitute or see if anyone had gone through the same thing. I had to leave my house because some people don't know how to handle power, or treat others, and I was tired of having people that were supposed to be my SISTERS make me feel like I meant NOTHING to any of them. It's not like I wanted to leave the one thing I'd always dreamed of doing, but at some point your dream has to die in order to save yourself. So I know I will never have that "normal" experience. But I also know that where there is a will, there is a way. I'm trying to think positively about all of this, and to find a way to at least share a special bond with one girl that I could maybe eventually call my little. I HAVE a big and I'm not closed down to adopting another big that I am actually AROUND. So maybe it'll be the same for some other girl.

Originally Posted by DeltaBetaBaby

Some orgs also have alums that "adopt" a woman in a colonizing chapter. Again, this isn't something that would happen right now, but if you get involved as an alumna, this may be an opportunity for you down the line.

I've been looking into that, too, and that sounds like it could be fun! I know there are opportunities out there, I just need to find them all

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by sarawoof

Eventually, I guess. So maybe not this year or next year but the year after that. I can't be the ONLY girl that transfers. You know what I mean? So I'd just adopt someone along the way. And if it didn't happen, then it didn't happen, but I couldn't say that I didn't try.

You're right.. You're not the only girl that transfers. However, you have a big sister, correct? Guess what - that other girl who transfers will also have a big already.

Please don't try too hard.. You could come off as desperate or weird. If you meet a girl who's a younger transfer, try to be her SISTER. That's probably what she's looking for.

Originally Posted by fascination

I didn't understand why OP would be expected to personally apologize to every chapter on campus until I Googled the lyrics. Vulgar is not a strong enough word, so now I understand why. (Even if you cleaned the lyrics up some, obviously other people knew knew how nasty the regular lyrics are.) Just because "someone" told you to rap this doesn't mean you have to. You could have and should have said no. I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson the hard way.

Honestly, I thought nothing of it. No one else did either. The girls in my house (around 200 of us), the event coordinators, and my mother never thought to take out the lyrics because everyone knows what they are. Honestly, it's not the worst song I've ever heard. It's not like everyone didn't have it on their iPod or hadn't heard it 100 times on the radio, and it was a COLLEGE event. I'm pretty sure that all those people that are legal to VOTE can hear a few cuss words. No one complained to my chapter, no one said anything about it. The president didn't even go to the event, and saw a video of it a couple of days later and realized that no one had told me that things needed to be bleeped out. The sorority that had won the pageant the year before won with a similar rap song called 143 and the lyrics say "girl I don't even care if you a lesbian, that just means we got some common interests." So no one thought mine would be a problem.

As someone who was never told rules or guidelines, and seeing that song win the year before, I really didn't feel that I and only I needed to apologize to everyone by myself. I was COMPLETELY willing to write a letter WITH the house in order to apologize to everyone explaining my situation, and that I was given no direction, and then signing it from both the president and myself.

My mother still saw nothing wrong with the song, nor did any of my peers. The president felt she would get in trouble for not directing me or offering me the help that was supposed to be given so that something like that could be avoided, and didn't want to get in trouble. So she wanted me to take all the blame. She threatened me, insulted me, and then encouraged others to shut me out.

Do I wish that I'd said no to the pageant? Of course.
Do I wish that I'd thought about the song a little more? Sure. I still saw nothing wrong with it in comparison to the year before's, but maybe I should've just told them I wouldn't do that song.
Did I face consequences for it? More than were absolutely necessary, and turned to the point of harassment, and girls telling me to kill myself because I didn't just take the blame and disgraced myself.

Let me tell you something, when you are 18, away from home, joining a new sorority, scared out of your mind that the PRESIDENT is mad at you, and she tells you that she will "personally ruin your reputation in the house and on campus" and then FOLLOWING THROUGH on that threat is NOT what I deserved and should NEVER happen to ANYONE. It's more frightening than the move out of your parents house was, or the fact that you are trying to make new friends and someone with power makes sure you can't. It was the worst thing I've ever been through, and I will not be told that I "should have known better" because from what had been shown as acceptable in the past, and what I was told by girls that had been to this event for four years already told me that it was fine. I did my research. It all checked out.

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

You're right.. You're not the only girl that transfers. However, you have a big sister, correct? Guess what - that other girl who transfers will also have a big already.

Please don't try too hard.. You could come off as desperate or weird. If you meet a girl who's a younger transfer, try to be her SISTER. That's probably what she's looking for.

As I've said before, I have a big and would be open to adopting a second one. So maybe some girl somewhere along the line would be willing to do the same thing. I'm not going to stalk some girl home and bring her "littles" gifts. But if something like that happened, where I met a girl who transferred and we wanted a big little relationship, then I feel that's fair to do. I'm not socially insufficient, I know how to handle myself. But it's not completely out of line to hope that might be possible in the future.

[33girl]

"Adopting" bigs or littles can get awfully dicey, unless the previous big or little in question was terminated from the sorority. The last thing you want to do is piss another whole chapter off.

If you choose to reinstate, you're an alumna now. You are not going to have a "little" as you knew it to be in collegiate life. THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. At some point you might be able to participate in the Pearl Sister program for new colonies that AGD has, but that's apples and oranges. You need to say "I'm upset that I never had a chance to take a little," deal with it, and move on. If you can't do that, you are never going to be able to enjoy life as an alumna, and you should probably just save the money and forget about reinstatement.

[adpiucf]

If you're that intent on having a little, look at campus organizations at your new school where you can have a mentor/mentee or big/little relationship. There are service organizations, pre-professional societies, etc. Bonus: lots of new friends. You've chosen to transfer to a new school, so make the best of it.