How Moms Should Treat Their Legacy Daughters

[gee_ess]

With regard to the pain felt by the moms, I think they are most hurt that by getting cut, the chapter is saying the group doesn't like their daughters. That is truly the bottom line to all this emotion.

All of these women have been through MS. In my opinion, that is why they react so strongly. They know what goes on, they have heard the things that are discussed, they know the reasons for cuts, etc. So, to imagine their daughters as the main subject of those events, is hard to swallow. They remember doing it to others...

Like someone earlier said, no matter how hard you try, when someone decides your child is not good enough to make the team, or doesn't get a part in the play, or get dumped the day before the prom, it is human nature to think, "What?!"

All of the posturing and threats and negativity is a result of the sickening feeling they have that deep down, despite all of Perfect Patty's attributes, it still wasn't enough to make them want her.

I read the ADPi Facebook stuff - wow. I hate it that social networking can feed the fire of this type reaction. In the old days, these comments took place over the phone to select people or in some social settings. Hurt alums threatened to turn in pins, and withdraw financial support but it rarely happened. Women soothed their friends, and people eventually got over it. Technology is not helping!

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

All of these women have been through MS. In my opinion, that is why they react so strongly. They know what goes on, they have heard the things that are discussed, they know the reasons for cuts, etc. So, to imagine their daughters as the main subject of those events, is hard to swallow. They remember doing it to others...

Many NPC groups are transitioning to new membership selection procedures (including Sigma Kappa and apparently Tri Delta) to eliminate the drama and all-nighters of old MS, to give members who personally know PNMs and members who spoke to the PNM the most power in decisions on a PNM, and focus on the group's values. I can explain "MS 2.0" to any Sigma Kappa, and I assume other NPCs are following suit, if they are not already using these procedures.

There's not necessarily a "reason" why a woman gets released, it could just that the chapter liked X number of women more than a particular PNM. It's not a just a matter of "membership selection is private info to the collegians of the chapter", it can be that even the collegians don't know the "reason" if there was one!

[33girl]

Originally Posted by violetpretty

Many NPC groups are transitioning to new membership selection procedures (including Sigma Kappa and apparently Tri Delta) to eliminate the drama and all-nighters of old MS, to give members who personally know PNMs and members who spoke to the PNM the most power in decisions on a PNM, and focus on the group's values. I can explain "MS 2.0" to any Sigma Kappa, and I assume other NPCs are following suit, if they are not already using these procedures.

OK, I don't want to tread where I should not, but are we saying that only the girls who personally spoke to her get to have a say so? Even if there are other women in the chapter who know her? And/or her resume paper is weighted more heavily than her actual personality at rush?

I know we touched on this a long time ago where someone basically said that the rush chair made the decisions about who was kept and who was cut, and I can't imagine that going over well, particularly in a smaller chapter. I mean you know damn well how you voted and if you look around and see WTF looks on everyone's faces when the bid list is read, you know something is amiss.

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by 33girl

OK, I don't want to tread where I should not, but are we saying that only the girls who personally spoke to her get to have a say so? Even if there are other women in the chapter who know her? And/or her resume paper is weighted more heavily than her actual personality at rush?

I know we touched on this a long time ago where someone basically said that the rush chair made the decisions about who was kept and who was cut, and I can't imagine that going over well, particularly in a smaller chapter. I mean you know damn well how you voted and if you look around and see WTF looks on everyone's faces when the bid list is read, you know something is amiss.

No, women who know the member personally also get a say.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

With regard to the pain felt by the moms, I think they are most hurt that by getting cut, the chapter is saying the group doesn't like their daughters. That is truly the bottom line to all this emotion.

All of these women have been through MS. In my opinion, that is why they react so strongly. They know what goes on, they have heard the things that are discussed, they know the reasons for cuts, etc. So, to imagine their daughters as the main subject of those events, is hard to swallow. They remember doing it to others...

Like someone earlier said, no matter how hard you try, when someone decides your child is not good enough to make the team, or doesn't get a part in the play, or get dumped the day before the prom, it is human nature to think, "What?!"

All of the posturing and threats and negativity is a result of the sickening feeling they have that deep down, despite all of Perfect Patty's attributes, it still wasn't enough to make them want her.

I read the ADPi Facebook stuff - wow. I hate it that social networking can feed the fire of this type reaction. In the old days, these comments took place over the phone to select people or in some social settings. Hurt alums threatened to turn in pins, and withdraw financial support but it rarely happened. Women soothed their friends, and people eventually got over it. Technology is not helping!

I feel obligated to say that, this time, Alpha Delta Pi's feet were put to the fire - but this could have just as easily been any other GLO's. Yes, we do love legacies, and do try to pledge them - if they fit in.

Just as violetpretty stated, MS has changed radically since these women were actives - I found that out as an Advisor, and it shocked me. Shocked me with how more honest & equalizing it is! That was my first tip off that the more angry alumnae haven't been volunteering lately, nor have they been doing their math. If each alumna has just two daughters, that's twice as many legacies than when she rushed, and with the popularity of greeks on the rise, there are twice as many very worthy young women who should be given a chance, too.

I would explain it in a much easier fashion, but y'all will understand when I say that I cannot.

[33girl]

I just don't think anything will ever eliminate the drama that is inherent in MS. Which really isn't a bad thing. If we didn't care so passionately about who our sisters were, we'd be clubs.

[gee_ess]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I feel obligated to say that, this time, Alpha Delta Pi's feet were put to the fire - but this could have just as easily been any other GLO's. Yes, we do love legacies, and do try to pledge them - if they fit in.

Oh, I totally agree! So much about recruitment has changed that it has left everyone with their heads spinning a bit. Judging from the bits and pieces posted here, it sounds like some things may vary greatly from GLO to GLO with regard to MS. Techniques and procedures vary.

But no matter how you explain it to new members or old ones, it is confusing. And if you are saying you liked some members more than others, that is just a euphimism(sp). And these women know that. (not saying you can change it, nor should you. Just saying that is the root of the emotional upheaval)

Honestly, like so many other things in the world, it takes education, education, education. No one ever pays attention to the details of something until it pertains to their own lives - and recruitment is no different.

Our GLOs can do a lot to help themselves by focusing heavily on this aspect of recruitment with alumnae. Maybe they need to go into some of these more competitive regions and hold workshops or something. And, active chapters need to communicate each spring or summer with those alum groups that are primarily associated with that chapter. I do know that goes on at some chapters and helps.

Ahh, recruitment. Gotta love it!

[carnation]

Good ideas, gee_ess. I wish we could have alum seminars. The numbers have been head-spinning...for instance, what blondie_93 said about Phi Mu, ADPi, Zeta, and KD in the Southeast is so very true, as even chapters at small schools are seeing more legacies than they can take.

Recruitment is such a numbers game now. I don't see how it can ever change. But--no matter how people dress it up with new names, the PNMs are being judged, like they always have. Greek women know this and this is part of their hurt when their daughter is cut by their legacy sorority or by others--their daughter was judged and must have come up short somehow.

The upset moms are not unique to this time. My mother remembers it from the forties and if anyone has read Prudence Mackintosh's essays about Texas rush in the sixties, they probably remember the part about angry moms packing up their daughters after a bad rush and saying, "Come on, honey, you're transferring to SMU this minute, they have delayed rush." And I'm told that many women back then made sure that they'd been accepted to both schools in case they didn't like their results.

[violetpretty]

Originally Posted by honeychile

If each alumna has just two daughters, that's twice as many legacies than when she rushed, and with the popularity of greeks on the rise, there are twice as many very worthy young women who should be given a chance, too.

Way more than twice that! Not every member was a legacy going through. If, in a chapter of 50, 10 were legacies, and they each have 2 daughters, that is 100 legacies!

[ree-Xi]

Originally Posted by honeychile

I feel obligated to say that, this time, Alpha Delta Pi's feet were put to the fire - but this could have just as easily been any other GLO's. Yes, we do love legacies, and do try to pledge them - if they fit in.

I most definitely came across a few other named organizations, as well as discussions that did not name the sorority. I just want to make sure that no one thinks we are ripping on ADPis. I think that every organization with a legacy program is prone to this type of problem. Heck - it happens in little leagues and cheerleading squads, too - wherever a parent feels that their kid wasn't given enough of a chance (which translates into whenever a child isn't picked).

You're correct, HC, this shouldn't be in a public place. Or at least, within the confines of password-protected areas. Then again, hearing what's going on shows that there is a lot of education to be done on the alumnae level.

[FleurGirl]

Originally Posted by gee_ess

With regard to the pain felt by the moms, I think they are most hurt that by getting cut, the chapter is saying the group doesn't like their daughters. That is truly the bottom line to all this emotion.

This is the biggest thing to me. If the chapter doesn't fit her, why on earth would you want her there? If I were a mom, I'd much rather see my daughter find HER home. Would I love it if she were a Kappa? Of course. But I'd rather her be truly happy somewhere else than stuck in a chapter she doesn't love. At the end of the day, these moms need to figure out what's more important: having her daughter in her house, or having her daughter be happy?